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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
TootDeLaFroot · 19/01/2021 19:27

I get it OP.

It's lonely, and there's no one there to give you a hug.
Single people have likely not even been touched by another person since last March. No kiss on the cheek, no hug. No-one there to eat with or have that bastard glass of wine with. No-one to watch Netflix with
Being literally on your own for almost a year is awful.

Don't let anyone try to tell you your loneliness isn't valid. Keep going, hopefully it's nearly over 💕

sortmylifeoutplease · 19/01/2021 19:32

@RichardMarxisinnocent

If I was single, I'd be doing some exercise, cooking nice things, having wine and social zooms, learning a new skill, long baths, doing those jobs never have time for such as sorting photos, watching some good films. Well yes I imagine you might do those things for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months and you might really enjoy them. But once you've been alone and isolated for 9 months, spending most of your time sitting in a small flat with no garden I'm pretty sure the novelty will have worn off a long time ago and you'll have given up doing all of those things because you have zero motivation and you'll be desperate to have a face to face conversation with another person who isn't a supermarket checkout person.

Just like people living alone who are currently longing for company, someone to chat to, a house full of people would likely enjoy it for a while then find it hugely overwhelming and want to be alone again.

Those who envy other people's lives at the moment, wouldn't actually want 9 month's worth of that life, it would be just as crap as their own lives.

Agree. I was trying to show the comparison as in there are unfortunately shit sides for all right now.
Kokosrieksts · 19/01/2021 19:34

What are they supposed to do, blank you out and not send anything? They are sharing their everyday best moments with you (as good as they get). I think you are overthinking this.

wingsandstrings · 19/01/2021 19:38

My single early 30s friend was furloughed from work and was sending pics of long walks in beautiful places and piles of books she was hoping to get through . . . . while I was working from home and home schooling and generally having the absolute worst time ever. I didn't think it was insensitive, she was just making the best of it. Your friends and family are too. Enjoy what is unique to your situation - being able to read, have time alone, develop a hobby etc etc

Gwenhwyfar · 19/01/2021 19:42

@wingsandstrings

My single early 30s friend was furloughed from work and was sending pics of long walks in beautiful places and piles of books she was hoping to get through . . . . while I was working from home and home schooling and generally having the absolute worst time ever. I didn't think it was insensitive, she was just making the best of it. Your friends and family are too. Enjoy what is unique to your situation - being able to read, have time alone, develop a hobby etc etc
OP hasn't said she's been furloughed though. She might be working from home, spending 23 hours out of 24 in the same small space.
Goshthatsmyneighbour · 19/01/2021 19:47

A real lack of empathy on here for you, OP. I am home schooling 3 kids with special needs and WFH yet I can appreciate how you are feeling. Yes, we are all experiencing this lockdown in different ways but the OP has posted on here for support and telling her not to feel a certain way is completely insensitive and unacceptable. It may be different for people with children but bugger off with the 'I'm not okay but you are'...

Narniacalling · 19/01/2021 19:54

@Icantrememebrtheartist
I think that’s one of the most breathtaking tone deaf comments I’ve heard.
For someone who is a mother you seriously lack empathy.
And I’m sure you’ll disagree with me, but just go and think about what you’ve said.

Yutes · 19/01/2021 20:15

Someone up thread posted

same storm. different boats

I can’t help think about my poor single neighbour, who is in her 80s, who had a good social life of friends and organised groups. And now she has not been able to enjoy any of that.

I do think parents have it hard. Children are hard work.
But you can’t help but feel a lot of people bleating on about this is harder
this is harder
It’s all hard.

As a sadly childless person, I am holding the fort as a key worker and run ragged while my colleagues are home schooling. Neither is east and neither is fair.

I think the OP is wrong that single people have been disproportionately affected, because no one has been untouched by restrictions.
But it can be a bit grating showing someone your family when all you want is some company and a bit of interaction over and above “oh! That’s a nice photo.” And oohing and ahhing at the right times.

Those with children forget what it feels like to be childfree or childless. And those without children forget that having children is all consuming.

PeggyHill · 19/01/2021 21:44

Tell me how to have that conversation. Please stop sending me photos of your children because it’s making me feel desperately lonely is not something you can really say to someone

I suppose it depends on how close you are, but if a friend or relative ssaid exactly this to me I would be very sympathetic and adapt to try to alleviate those feelings. But you would have to actually tell me, because otherwise I'd think we were having a normal 2 way conversation about life and updates - as someone up thread said, when you have young kids they takeover everything and you don't have much else to talk about. It certainly doesn't mean you can't respond! I like seeing updates of my close friend's and family, even if it's just a small thing like what they had for dinner. During lockdown there isn't much else going on.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2021 22:12

@Icantrememebrtheartist
I may sound insensitive but you can at least cuddle up on front of the telly with someone, even of it is Tellytubbies, share a meal even of it's waffles and beans, read a book out loud even if it's the Gruffalo, kiss your family good night, in person, every night. All of these things ate impossible for many single people right now. It may be boring but it definitely isn’t harder for you than it is for a lot of people.

LetMeBubble · 19/01/2021 23:31

SleepingStandingUp

That’s also tone deaf.

Both the OP and ICANTREMEMBER are both struggling.

One is struggling with lack of affection/socialising, and one is struggling with total mental overload.

I’m not sure which one sounds better. If it was up to me I would lump both categories together to fill each other’s void.

Glenorma · 19/01/2021 23:44

OP you’re very lucky and I’d kill to be you. You can watch tv, read, sleep, take a bath, chat on the phone - I can’t do any of that stuff. I’m not allowed to distract myself or entertain myself. I have to sit here bored to hell, reading out loud the same book, watching the same cartoon 3x in a row, building the same house of bricks and knocking it down, pushing the same train round the same track... day after week after month. It’s a living nightmare and I am being forced to live every second of this pandemic with no distractions. It’s exhausting. Most days I pass into blissful unconsciousness a few times but I always get woken up after five minutes with a cuddly toy smacked into my face. My record is falling asleep nine times in two hours. Be grateful that you have the freedom to take your mind elsewhere.

LizFlowers · 20/01/2021 02:27

Tell me how to have that conversation. Please stop sending me photos of your children because it’s making me feel desperately lonely is not something you can really say to someone

You don't have to say it, just stay off the social media for a while. There's no point in looking at things that makes you feel down. Or find a discussion forum on a topic that interests you.

All this will pass.

MouseholeCat · 20/01/2021 02:38

This thread typifies why I'm glad both glad I left the UK behind- nobody has any empathy, it's so dysfunctional.

One person's pain doesn't invalidate another's.

Ideasplease322 · 20/01/2021 06:52

@Glenorma

OP you’re very lucky and I’d kill to be you. You can watch tv, read, sleep, take a bath, chat on the phone - I can’t do any of that stuff. I’m not allowed to distract myself or entertain myself. I have to sit here bored to hell, reading out loud the same book, watching the same cartoon 3x in a row, building the same house of bricks and knocking it down, pushing the same train round the same track... day after week after month. It’s a living nightmare and I am being forced to live every second of this pandemic with no distractions. It’s exhausting. Most days I pass into blissful unconsciousness a few times but I always get woken up after five minutes with a cuddly toy smacked into my face. My record is falling asleep nine times in two hours. Be grateful that you have the freedom to take your mind elsewhere.
Really? I am so sorry you are finding this hard. But why do you think you have it worse than anyone else?

It’s just a different type of misery.

Yes we can all make sniffy comments - people chose to have children and now they are complaining about spending time with them, single people should count themselves lucky they have this time on their hands.

But the reality is everyone has their own struggles - you are exhausted because you won’t get a break away from your children, others are feeling incredibly isolated and lonely.

Again - amazed people can only see their own misery and can’t even to try and understand others

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 20/01/2021 07:28

Spot on Ideasplease322, the grass is always greener on the other side. I'd love some time alone, I'm either at work, looking after DS, or have DH, who I love dearly, but doesn't really understand why I like my own space.

We really need to be more understanding of each others problems, its not a competition you know!

Porridgeoat · 20/01/2021 07:32

I love seeing what my friends and relatives kids have been up to. I’m really glad when I see they are doing nice things as I know they have found it hard in different way to me

Whatatune · 20/01/2021 07:33

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

Spot on Ideasplease322, the grass is always greener on the other side. I'd love some time alone, I'm either at work, looking after DS, or have DH, who I love dearly, but doesn't really understand why I like my own space.

We really need to be more understanding of each others problems, its not a competition you know!

I agree, there's always someone worse off than you. Even if I think I have worse problems than someone, when they complain about their problems I listen and give sympathy. Them having a problem doesn't invalidate my probl and there's plenty of sympathy to go around.

I feel sympathy for childless people, childfree people and parents, nearly everyone is struggling in some way at the moment and yet we should count ourselves lucky, we are all so much luckier than some others even if it doesn't feel like it.

Longtalljosie · 20/01/2021 08:28

@katrinbaker I really hope this ridiculous thread doesn’t put you off Mumsnet altogether. There are plenty of people without children on here and with you as isolated as you are I’d hate for you to lose this as a source of companionship. You’re very welcome here - some threads just go a bit weird and I think some mums do have an odd idea of single life. But then as a single person I probably underestimated how tough parenting was. Anyway. I’d also just say if your name really is Katrin Baker (and it’s not a film character I’ve not heard of) I’d probably name change. Flowers

stackemhigh · 20/01/2021 08:35

@soughsigh

Everyone feels like it's impacted them the most. I would say childless people who can WFH definitely have it the easiest 😂.

I second what @Gwenhwyfar said. What is wrong with people on this thread?!

sociallydistained · 20/01/2021 08:39

Having children in this is relentless! I do not, I am a nanny and I worked a few weeks in first lockdown before I was furloughed (because I work for 2 families and we didn’t want to mix) and I couldn’t be more greatful to be on my own! I went back in June and am working through this work down homeschooling the schoolchildren and trying to keep a very outdoorsy toddler entertained and it is hard work.... my hats off to the parents working whilst doing all this too!

Enjoy your peace and quiet. I sure did!

VinylDetective · 20/01/2021 08:42

@Glenorma

OP you’re very lucky and I’d kill to be you. You can watch tv, read, sleep, take a bath, chat on the phone - I can’t do any of that stuff. I’m not allowed to distract myself or entertain myself. I have to sit here bored to hell, reading out loud the same book, watching the same cartoon 3x in a row, building the same house of bricks and knocking it down, pushing the same train round the same track... day after week after month. It’s a living nightmare and I am being forced to live every second of this pandemic with no distractions. It’s exhausting. Most days I pass into blissful unconsciousness a few times but I always get woken up after five minutes with a cuddly toy smacked into my face. My record is falling asleep nine times in two hours. Be grateful that you have the freedom to take your mind elsewhere.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Buy new books, watch different cartoons/films, go for a walk and puddle jump, just do different things. Your kids must be as bored as you are. And surely they go to bed long before you do? At which point you can read or take a bath.

The thing is that everyone one here is looking only at the positives in one another’s situation and determinedly ignoring the down side. It’s not a rose garden for anyone.

soughsigh · 20/01/2021 08:46

@stackemhigh my point is that no one is having a good time at the moment and everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. We are all in this together and comparing your situation to someone else's is only going to cause you heartache.

Glenorma · 20/01/2021 09:00

It’s just a different type of misery
I don’t see how it’s a misery basically having an extended holiday and doing all your hobbies all the time. I live for 9pm when I get a couple of hours of that freedom. If I had no kids I’d be doing all sorts of fun stuff. My life was WAY better before kids. If I’d known I wouldn’t be able to send them to childcare I wouldn’t have had them.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2021 09:02

I don’t see how it’s a misery basically having an extended holiday and doing all your hobbies all the time.

Have you deliberately ignored all the posters telling you how horrible it is being alone all the time? You might love it. That doesn’t mean everyone will.