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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

291 replies

meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 16:16

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 18/01/2021 21:13

I think you are doing the right thing. He explodes and over-reacts when he is angry or feels threatened. It’s unlikely to ever change and when things get really tough this is how you can expect he’s going to handle it.

Lucy830 · 18/01/2021 21:23

He sounds like the teenage boys that hang around the shops and shout things at people when they walk past.

Very immature and makes him sound thick. He will just become worse in time.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 18/01/2021 22:04

Just a reminder - less for the OP, and more for the strange people encouraging her to just put up with this, presumably because having A Man is the most important thing, and their own standards are incredibly low ...

People in relationships are meant to like each other.

kungfupannda · 18/01/2021 22:38

I would have dumped him over the ‘chatting shit’ comment. I used to work in the criminal justice system, and there was a good couple of years when every defendant under the age of 25 responded to any question or allegation with ‘he/she/they/it is chatting shit’, whether or not it helped their case. It was like some sort of reflex. It drove me insane. I might once have lost my professional cool and yelled ‘well he isn’t, is he? He isn’t chatting shit since you’ve just admitted you did it so why are you now saying he’s chatting shit? Why? Why?’

Seriously, it’s such a petulant, meaningless, whiny complaint. I couldn’t have any respect for anyone who used it.

kungfupannda · 18/01/2021 22:39

Also, your other info makes it clear that he is exactly that kind of whiny twat. Walk away and don’t look back.

Yohoheaveho · 18/01/2021 23:01

He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message
he doesnt sound like someone you want in your life over the long term:(
and he appears to be escalating
out of interest how does he react if you shoot right back with 'no you fuck off' ?

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:02

@TheOneLeggedJockey

Just a reminder - less for the OP, and more for the strange people encouraging her to just put up with this, presumably because having A Man is the most important thing, and their own standards are incredibly low ...

People in relationships are meant to like each other.

👏👏👏
FenellaVelour · 18/01/2021 23:05

@20CMB21

I can't get past the "baby daddy" and "chatting shit" - not to mention this all happening by text. It makes him sound like a particularly unappealing 16 yr old. I'd give him the heave-ho for that reason alone.
Yeah it’s very teenage and immature. As I’m not an immature teenager (and I assume OP is also not), that’d be it for me.
jimmyjammy001 · 18/01/2021 23:14

He obviously doesn't want to play the role of step dad in your family and going on days out and he sees himself as this in the relationship you have, I would just ignore him and if do ever speak to him tell him not to date women with children in future if he doesn't want to lead that future lifestyle.

Goldieloxx · 18/01/2021 23:24

Wouldn't forgive any adult for using the phase baby daddy anyway, what a turn off

partyatthepalace · 18/01/2021 23:49

It’s a shitty thing to sat.

If he’s been around for 2 years and is otherwise good, I wouldn’t kick him out for it necessarily - but he’d need to put some spade work in.

It is a red flag

borntohula · 18/01/2021 23:51

Yeah I'd forgive it, I've said some terrible things while angry.

MsDogLady · 18/01/2021 23:53

You should have cut him loose the first time he told you to fuck off or shut up.

The BabyDaddy remark demonstrates his belief that you and DD are Less Than. And of course the Chatting Shit and You’re a Joke comments are also belittling and demeaning. He wanted to humiliate you.

I would never expose my daughter to such a contemptuous, abusive man.

Yohoheaveho · 18/01/2021 23:54

At the very least I would make extensive notes on everything he says and does and review it at monthly intervals🤔
or you could save yourself the hassle and just not bother to get back to him.....😶

partyatthepalace · 18/01/2021 23:54

.... I just read the rest of your posts

As this isn’t a one off, and has escalated, he is just pushing your boundaries. It will get worse. Rational adults do not regularly tell their partners to fuck off.

I think he needs to go. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

Dopo · 19/01/2021 00:08

Arguing on text is never going to go well.
If you were saying he was a crap person and your daughter hated him etc and that was his reply then I'd say it was in context not a terrible response. If you were just saying something tedious like you were annoyed with him leaving his plates in the study and that was his response then it's obviously hugely problematic.

Sounds like when you argue he gets hugely defensive, tells you to fuck off etc. Not everyone has the skills of a therapist when they argue, doesn't necessarily make them terrible people, just what or how they're used to dealing with conflict.
Depends entirely if he sees an issue and wants to fix things and improve. If not and he sees you as some woman seeking replacement dad for your child, then leave.

Coyoacan · 19/01/2021 00:57

My boundaries are skewed because of my own aggressive father, I am trying to deal with this through counselling

That is great. Maybe you could complement your counselling with the freedom programme.

WhenPidgeonsCry · 19/01/2021 01:29

Yeah, I'm sure people will say "he apologised, it's just a bit of swearing, it was a fight" or whatever, but I've never dated anyone who speaks like that, and I never would.

SkiingIsHeaven · 19/01/2021 02:19

What a bell end.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 19/01/2021 02:37

Dump him

echt · 19/01/2021 02:42

He should have been dumped the first time he told you to fuck off.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2021 02:46

The way he speaks to you is absolutely degrading and derogatory and demonstrates a deep disrespect of you and women in general. This isn't a good man and not one you need in your life or your daughter's life.

Sinful8 · 19/01/2021 02:53

I think the fact we're only getting the tail end of that argument and specific insult means there something you're not wanting people to know as it owill change thie view

PerveenMistry · 19/01/2021 03:29

Have some self-respect and cut contact, ffs.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2021 03:35

He sounds disgusting, tbh, and very much unworthy of a relationship with a perfectly nice normal woman. Please don't waste any more of your time.