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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

291 replies

meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 16:16

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 18/01/2021 19:24

@Inthemuckheap

I voted YABU because wtf are you doing 'chatting' over text? Pick up the phone ffs.
This. You are in a serious romantic relationship, why are you texting each other?

By the way, isn’t he misusing “Baby Daddy” anyway? I thought that was a term that a woman used for a man who got her pregnant then was either dumped or left her- not a term for a man who took on another man’s child.

WorryBadger · 18/01/2021 19:24

It's not so much what he said that would bother me, it's more the fact that he thinks he can speak to you like that and you'll accept it. If you're with someone you cherish, you don't "risk" the rel'p by swearing at them and insulting them. In that moment he was prepared to upset you and risk losing you.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 19:25

He isn't American and doesn't have any American family members / friends, so I've not idea where he has got this from. He's obviously picked this up from somewhere, he's well aware it's a derogatory comment or he wouldn't have said it in the context that he did.

I don't even want to contact him to be honest, I'm too upset and angry.

OP posts:
Userengage · 18/01/2021 19:26

I’m pretty sure that if you stay with him there will be more of his twaddle and if/when you dump him, he’ll go nuclear on his insults.

Very interested to hear how old he is as he sounds like my friend’s teenage son when he’s online gaming.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 19:28

He's 27.

OP posts:
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 18/01/2021 19:28

How old is he? To be using phrases like "chatting shit" and "babydaddy" he sounds like a 16yr old wannabe rudeboy. I bet he refers to thinks being "sick" as well.

CheetasOnFajitas · 18/01/2021 19:29

Are you actually seeing him in person these days anyway i.e. are you in a support bubble? I know you have a child but 2 years is kind of crunch time anyway for move in together or split up isn’t it? Unless you don’t want it ever to get more serious anyway.

sonjadog · 18/01/2021 19:31

I wouldn´t be with someone who spoke to me like that. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

MustBeTheWine · 18/01/2021 19:32

If my DP ever said those things to me (I have 2 DC from a previous relationship) I honestly don't think I'd be able to move past that and forgive him. You know now what he's like when he looses his temper, that for me is very big red flag!

Jellington · 18/01/2021 19:35

Woah! That is a very unkind and spiteful thing to say.

SunshineCake · 18/01/2021 19:47

Baby daddy is such a horrible phrase. It would be over for me and hound be for you.

Reinventinganna · 18/01/2021 19:52

Well done for pulling him up on it and not accepting it @meganwildrose whatever you are doing in therapy regarding your father is definitely working. No one should treat you like this.

I also really like that you said that you wouldn’t let anyone talk to your Dd like this. You are a good role model for your dd.

He said it for a reason. Don’t back down. Don’t accept that in a relationship.

Dh can be a grumpy arse but we have never spoken to each other like this.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 18/01/2021 19:53

In anger people are disinhibited,the veneer slips as psychologically all your emotion is channeling into anger. don’t take time to edit or polish the verbal content. It all falls out

MzHz · 18/01/2021 19:57

Damn!

Too damned right I’d never forgive him for that, the misogyny is dripping from his words.

Find yourself a decent man. There are lots out there. The only way to find them is to never settle for shit like this.

You’re young. You can do this. Never sell yourself short.

(((Hug)))

MzHz · 18/01/2021 19:59

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show themselves

The first fuck off was your first clue.

End this today, now, and forever

OwlLovesTea · 18/01/2021 20:00

Ooh sounds like he looks down on women who have had children. He thought he had control. Thought he was doing you a favour dating you.

I know u were having a row when he said that but he got personal instead of sticking to the matter in hand.

HexWitch · 18/01/2021 20:11

@Inthemuckheap

I voted YABU because wtf are you doing 'chatting' over text? Pick up the phone ffs.
It's not always possible to chat on the phone so that's just weird. Most couples text each other if they're busy and can't properly engage with a phone call.
bobbojobbo · 18/01/2021 20:12

That's not even what the term means.

And no, I wouldn't.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 20:13

We all get angry and frustrated at times, but I've never made personal insults against someone that have nothing to do with the conversation.

It took me telling him his behaviour was abusive (as well as in the past) and that's when he apologised and said he was frustrated. It took me pointing it out to get an apology, the first time he replied with a laughing emoji face.

OP posts:
MzHz · 18/01/2021 20:14

He is showing you who he is.

Bin him now. You know what he is

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 18/01/2021 20:15

You now have the true measure of the man and his deeply misogynistic views

pelosi · 18/01/2021 20:16

You are worth ore than this pillock. He has told you to fuck off before? Why are you putting up with this?

Idefinatelyhavefriends · 18/01/2021 20:19

Yes that's terrible. Not only would I be horrified that he clearly has a view that you are somehow lucky that he's been good to you and your daughter, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who lashes out verbally during arguments. I couldn't live like that.

Nochristmasbreak · 18/01/2021 20:35

The laughing emoji is so disrespectful.

How dare he be so rude to you, then laugh at you.

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 20:37

@meganwildrose

We all get angry and frustrated at times, but I've never made personal insults against someone that have nothing to do with the conversation.

It took me telling him his behaviour was abusive (as well as in the past) and that's when he apologised and said he was frustrated. It took me pointing it out to get an apology, the first time he replied with a laughing emoji face.

Yeh mine used to do that .

A🤣 or a whatever.