Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

[meganwildrose]

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

@isitsummertimeyet

stuff gets said in the heat of an argument, but if you ran from relationships whenever this happened then everyone would be single forever.

people argue, hell me and the wife argue but still love each other, doesnt mean he has some sublime hatred for single mums.

hes appoligized and messaged twice after, either cut him loose or accept the appoligy, Ive seen many of the women on here saying LTB to every single post they type, men hating types, they will end up dying lonely with there cats.

I would run from any relationship where my partner said "fuck off, you're a joke" or anything similarly offensive, even if it was in the heat of an argument. And guess what? I'm not single forever! I just have a husband who doesn't lose his temper and lash out like a child.

@Whatwouldyourmamado

@ladyinparis I have just given you a mental round of applause

Thank you, I was really expecting a flogging to be honest! So it’s nice to hear that it was helpful. And also readable- I was sure it made no sense haha! Thank you!

Rant or not it is so refreshing to read something that makes perfect sense, written to eloquently and that oozes calmness.

Thanks, it means a lot. It’s hard to put things like that out there but if it’s helps someone then I will, so it’s nice to have a nice reply I appreciate it a lot I was expecting a massive flaming!

I hope you and your fiance have a long and loving relationship.

Thank you again- were getting married in Tunisia on 14th February 😍 valentines day! Very excited! He’s the most amazing man, I’m so lucky!

I have also had abusive relationships in the past and made to feel worthless etc.. my now husband is the opposite of all those men and is so loving and gentle but we have rows and i have used unpleasant words when my anxiety has got the better of me but he is so understanding and kind that we work through it.

Yours sounds like mine! Understanding what I went through etc, I wish you both the same- a long happy relationship!! You deserve it

Really? Do most of you posters really act in such a manner that you don't ever speak in anger or say things you later regret?

Others have dealt with this so I just want to address one aspect. What do you mean by regret? Do you mean regret the effect it's had on me, or regret the effect on the person my comments were directed at? I have occasionally said something I've regretted because it has hurt the other person. I feel sorry for them, and wish I hadn't upset them. Generally it's been something I believed, but that was best left unsaid.

However, what you'll often find is people regret something because it has a negative impact on them. It's revealed a side of themselves they would prefer was hidden, or it's threatened a relationship that benefits them. The regret is entirely self-centred.

Ive seen many of the women on here saying LTB to every single post they type, men hating types, they will end up dying lonely with there cats.

I think the OP should leave this man. For the last two years I've been in a relationship with a wonderful, amazing man. We've never spoken to each other in anger. I want the OP to leave him not because I hate men, but because I expect better of them. Living alone with cats isn't a threat, or a problem. It's preferable to being with a shitty man, though arguably less good than being with a lovely man.

You're not a prize to be fought over. We can take you or leave you, depending on whether you measure up.

I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone that uses the term babydaddy. He sounds like a child.

Really? Do most of you posters really act in such a manner that you don't ever speak in anger or say things you later regret

Of course we do, but if we are being honest with ourselves the problem is not saying things that you don't mean, is it? Quite the opposite. And being angry when you said it doesn't mitigate it in anyway.

@meganwildrose

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message.

He has never insulted me with name calling in this way before though.

This is worse than calling you a name.

will get aggressive with his words this is not acceptable, and you deserve much much better

Hes shown his true colours. Better now than later when you're further invested

You say:

"I am the type to try and diffuse a situation or walk away and calm down. I hate aggression of any kind as my own father was very aggressive, shouty, swore a lot."

This is exactly where this relationship ends up. You've been together 2 years and admit he's already told you to shut up, sworn at you and now called you names both in person and over text. He's escalating. I imagine he starts the arguments as well. I've been married 20 years and I can't recall a time when either of us have sworn at the other. We've had disagreements but never got spiteful and nasty.

When you hear about people ending up in situations that mimic the ones they grew up with this is how it starts. You don't see the initial red flags because to you the behaviour has been normalised. You only use the very worst things you saw and heard as a yardstick to measure against.

You gut is steering you right. You deserve better and so does your child. Remember how you felt hearing your dad swear at your mum. Don't do that to either of you.

He sounds like one of those middle class white teens who hang around bus stops with their hands stuck down the front of their low slung tracksuit bottoms pretending to be gangsters. "Chatting shit"? "Baby daddy"?

I could not go out with someone who spoke like that. Is he 15?

I have been with my husband for 20 years and in that time we have said and done some horrible things to each other. But we communicated, listened and adapted. Yes - it was shit what he said, but he also apologised. If this is the first time hes said something like this then i would just put it down to the heat of the moment. You would be absolutely right though to put boundaries in place.

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though.

Just seen this... So its escalating? This is a red flag. It may be time to reconsider this relationship.

@LiJo2015 if you rtft you will see that it was neither the heat of the moment nor the first time he’s said something like this.

Also, he only apologised after the op called him out for being abusive. Initially he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour and sent her a laughing emoji.

Cross post. I see you spotted it now.

@VenusClapTrap

I normally scroll through to see if OP replied more info but missed it initially. Thanks for heads up though.

I'd rather be on my own than spoken to like that . In fact , I am and it's great !

End up dying lonely with their cats
so what you're doing here is warning her that if she doesn't behave properly she won't get a man?
You think the worst possible outcome for a woman is living alone without a man and having pets that she enjoys?
I live alone and it's bliss🌞🌞🌞
I don't have pets because I'm not a pet person, but if I did like pets I'm sure that having them would only deepen my bliss🌞🌞🌞

Why do people keep saying it was “said in the heat of the moment”? Surely it’s a very important point that it wasn’t “said” it was put in a text.

He thought it, wrote it out and hit send. He had ample opportunities to check himself and think for a moment whether what he was saying was appropriate.

I was just reading through the thread thinking exactly this. This wasn’t the heat of the moment. The OP said she wanted to end the conversation. He then thought of what he wanted to say, typed it out and hit send.

No, OP, personally I don’t think I could stay with someone who said that to me. I think it betrays a disrespectful attitude both to you and your daughter.

@Itsokthanks

I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone that uses the term babydaddy. He sounds like a child.

Ultimately he does sound like a complete tool, like you really scraped the barrel to get this one😕

hes appoligized and messaged twice after, either cut him loose or accept the appoligy, Ive seen many of the women on here saying LTB to every single post they type, men hating types, they will end up dying lonely with there cats.

Lots of women (and men) have standards of how they would like to be treated in a relationship. The alternatives to being in a relationship where you are treated badly are: a) being single or b) being in a relationship where you are treated well. Both of those seem like preferable options to me.

On its own, in a jokey context, baby daddy is not too bad. Like I can say joking to my husband: oh come here baby daddy (I never have come to think of it). But "go find another baby daddy" implies he thinks you are - to be nice - irresponsible and just mindlessly breed about. Both of which you are not! Then he also calls you a joke. That is what he thinks of you. Make a decision based on what he has told you he thinks of you

The reason I posted is because I don't feel like I know what the boundaries of 'normal' are. I know 'normal' is a spectrum and subjective too.

This isn't a one off occasion, he has probably told me to fuck off or shut up at least a dozen times in our 2 year relationship. This is both over text messaging and to my face. He also says things like 'you’ve just lost the best thing that would ever happen to you' 'you'll never meet another man who loves you like I do', which I know are text book abuser phrases.

For an example scenario, about a year ago I went to his place for the weekend. When I got there it was a complete state and he said he had to spend the whole day tidying, ironing and cleaning. I said I didn't want to spend the day watching (and helping) him clean etc, that our weekends should be spent going out and doing fun things and why, when he knows I am coming over, didn't he sort this during the week? To which point he told me to 'fuck off then' and as I only work part time I wouldn't understand the stress of a full time job and he didn't want to tidy and clean after a days work as he's too tired. He then went into a complete mood and it took hours for me to get him to calm down and stop ignoring me / being in a mood with me.

If a man told me to fuck off or shut up it would be the last thing he ever said to me. He would never see me again. Those are words you only use towards somebody if you have contempt for them - in a loving relationship you would never hear them spoken.

It does sound like you’re better off without him.
You should’ve left him then when he told you to fuck off instead of pandering to him, what a shit weekend you must’ve had.

Ask yourself if you’re relieved to never have to deal with his moods and telling you to fuck off again. Not when you’re angry, but when you are calm.

Just bin him
↪️🗑️
please

He’s told you what he really thinks of you.

Generally, he sounds completely awful and you should definitely get rid of him.

In the interests of full disclosure, I am happily married but would really like a cat.