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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I had to cut short my weekly food shop and pick DC up from nursery because he wouldn't nap..

246 replies

Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 15:17

I work PT usually but I'm home for the foreseeable because my place of work is closed due to covid.

I do my weekly shops on a Monday now when my eldest (3) is at nursery until 4.30

1.15pm I get a call from the nursery asking me to pick DS up, I'm in the middle of Sainsbury's at that point half way through my shop and miles away.

They wanted me to collect him ASAP as he was refusing to nap with the rest of the children (they all nap in the afternoon) and because he didn't want to sleep he was having a meltdown and disrupting the others.

I had to pay for what shopping I had in the trolley, half of what I needed, and walk the 2+ miles from the shops to nursery to pick him up early with my baby in tow who I was going to put down for a nap at home after the shop.

AIBU to think this was a bit shit and they could have just taken him out of the sleep room and done an activity with him / played a video with one of the several staff members on? So the other children could nap interrupted.

Was it really necessary to have me pick him up early?

I've also been asked to pick him up at 2pm again tomorrow, because they don't want the same thing happening again.

It's a good job I am off work at the moment as there's no way I could make a habit of this, I'd get the sack.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
wildraisins · 18/01/2021 16:56

@Halfaweeklyshop
Sorry to hear that things have been difficult. My guess is that the nursery are struggling to cope with him and their solution is that they would like him to have a shorter day.

I can see that from both sides, however any decision has to be about what is in the best interests of your child, not just how much hard work it is for the nursery staff.

It's really important here to think about his experience, too. Is he in distress when he is at nursery? Do you think he likes nursery?

If there are issues then it's best to address them together with then nursery staff. If you just take him out and put him in a different nursery, as some have suggested, then he might have the same problems there, perhaps even worse if it is mainstream.

I guess the goal is to help him to settle and enjoy being wherever he is. That requires good communication between you and the staff, and also the nursery need to do their best to meet his individual needs, rather than giving up when they are finding his behaviour challenging.

rainywindows · 18/01/2021 17:01

Your nursery are being ridiculous

kalidasa · 18/01/2021 17:03

Crazy! DS1 dropped his nap really early and his nursery were obviously a bit fed up about it but they just got on with it and put him in with the children from the next class up during nap time. I remember them saying that there was one other little boy who did the same thing (and I think there were 1 or 2 children who did the reverse). They would definitely never have dreamed of calling me up to collect him just because he didn't want a nap!

Sethy38 · 18/01/2021 17:03

You do your entire weekly shop... and walk back with all the bags?

PandemicPalava · 18/01/2021 17:04

I used to frequently get called to pick up my daughter as she found tidy up time upsetting… I did it half a dozen times before I challenged them and just asked somebody to help her deal with the chaos and the noise which they did and then she was fine. As an ex childminder the nurseries approach seems insane!

elliejjtiny · 18/01/2021 17:04

I'm used to being asked to pick up my dc from school for various reasons like reflux or minor injuries in the playground. I don't know if it's different in a private childcare setting though.

wildraisins · 18/01/2021 17:05

@rainywindows

Your nursery are being ridiculous
Perhaps... although this is an ASD child who does have meltdowns and some challenging/ self-harming behaviours... so not a NT child who just isn't settling.

It sounds quite complex and perhaps they felt that his meltdown had got so extreme that he just wasn't going to be able to calm down in the nursery environment and needed to go home.

However, they need to work with OP to find a solution - whether it be that he has shorter days (that may be easier for him to cope with) or some kind of plan for when he has these meltdowns or ideally to prevent them getting to that point in the first place.

You would expect a specialist nursery provision for SEN children to be able to do this as standard, though, so they might well be rubbish!

MissyB1 · 18/01/2021 17:06

Ok I’m going to offer an alternative version of events (there are always two sides to a story anyway).
Maybe he was tired and not coping well that morning. He needed a nap but was overtired and wound himself up in a meltdown. He was unable to calm down and was extremely distressed and distressing other children. For his own sake staff felt he was better off going home? They knew you weren’t at work so it’s reasonable to ask you to pick him up.

As for picking him up earlier tomorrow that may well be the staff’s opinion that he’s not coping with a full day at the moment.
I work in Early Years sometimes (it is rare though) we have to tell parents their child can’t manage all day.
Try to think of this as being about the best interests of your child at the time.
I’m not saying this is how it all happened- obviously I wasn’t there! I’m just saying it’s worth looking at this from a different perspective.

makingmammaries · 18/01/2021 17:07

My experience from having a kid with ASD is that quite a lot of supposedly specialist settings are indeed too lazy to deal with them, and parents get guilt-tripped massively. As a PP has said, being hard to contact is an art. A thick skin is also a must.

Sethy38 · 18/01/2021 17:07

@MissyB1

Ok I’m going to offer an alternative version of events (there are always two sides to a story anyway). Maybe he was tired and not coping well that morning. He needed a nap but was overtired and wound himself up in a meltdown. He was unable to calm down and was extremely distressed and distressing other children. For his own sake staff felt he was better off going home? They knew you weren’t at work so it’s reasonable to ask you to pick him up.

As for picking him up earlier tomorrow that may well be the staff’s opinion that he’s not coping with a full day at the moment.
I work in Early Years sometimes (it is rare though) we have to tell parents their child can’t manage all day.
Try to think of this as being about the best interests of your child at the time.
I’m not saying this is how it all happened- obviously I wasn’t there! I’m just saying it’s worth looking at this from a different perspective.

But if they was the case, why they heck didn’t articulate that to the OP?
Takingontheflab · 18/01/2021 17:08

Honestly OP this is batshit. Gut feeling? They dislike your son and they cannot cope with him, and are not set up for SEN as they claim.

Pull him out asap.

saraclara · 18/01/2021 17:08

I've spent a career lifetime working with children like your son (albeit a tad older). And this is absolutely ridiculous.
The key to working with such children is empathy, flexibility, and treating them as individuals, not part of the 'group' dynamic.

It always amazed me how tolerant my pupils were of there being different rules for different children. Mainstream kids wouldn't be able to cope with that at all! Nor should they, to be fair.

But the expectations of this nursery are entirely against what works for their SEN pupils, so I'd be questioning how much else of what they do is counter-productive.

Pugdogmom · 18/01/2021 17:08

This sounds like a lazy nursery that want peace and quiet when the children are napping. However all my kids and grandkids grew out of naps before 2. They would be getting stern words if they couldn't cope with a child that doesn't nap, and especially one that is allegedly for children with ASN.

warriorwomanx · 18/01/2021 17:09

That's so odd! When DS was in nursery, a while back, the only time I was asked to collect him is if his temperature was over 38 or something. Even if he was under the weather, they'd call me to let me know but not to pick him up.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 18/01/2021 17:10

Well my oldest didn't nap from a couple of weeks old so I'd have been screwed if the nursery had taken that view at that age.

On a serious note, it won't be the first time and it won't be the last time there is a non napper - they really should have contingency plans and if they don't they aren't worth you having your child there.

Noshowlomo · 18/01/2021 17:13

I wouldn't be happy with this. My son once had a meltdown when he was around 1 as he was over tired and she asked us to get him but I understand that as he was going mental and there were other kids there but since he has napped fine, and if he didn't nap that would be fine too as there is other stuff for him to do if others nap.

I am prepared for him to not be napping at 3 though.

Arobase · 18/01/2021 17:16

I find it impossible to believe that all the 3, 4 and 5 year olds they look after obediently go to sleep at 3 p.m. I'd suggest you tell them that circumstances have changed and no, you can't pick your child up at 2 or indeed any other time before the normal time unless he is ill or there's an emergency. You don't have to give detailed reasons. It would also be worth asking for a discussion about why they can't cope with one child who doesn't want to sleep on cue, as it can't be an unusual situation.

bloodyhairy · 18/01/2021 17:18

That's batshit, OP. Truly.
Thanks

ChalkDinosaur · 18/01/2021 17:19

Bizarre. My DD hasn't napped at all since turning 2 (well, very occasionally in the car) and hasn't ever regularly napped at nursery. I know some kids do but nursery shouldn't be expecting all 3 year olds to have a daily nap, surely?

AliceMcK · 18/01/2021 17:20

The nursery has a problem. If anything the nursery’s I’ve dealt with start to discourage naps by this age. And they certainly should not be getting you to pick him up to suit their needs. Would they do that if it wasn’t free hours and you were paying? I’d be making a complaint, in writing so it’s on record.

Topseyt · 18/01/2021 17:24

I remember your other thread when they were being dicks about letting him drink his squash.

This latest thing is just batshit! Lots of children have ditched daytime naps by the time they are three. Mine all had. I find it hard to believe that non-napping three year olds are beyond their experience and capabilities. My betting is that the staff wanted their coffee break in peace, which is not acceptable.

I wouldn’t be collecting him at 2 tomorrow. Tell them that he will be with them for the usual hours, which have been paid for. You have to be somewhere at that point. Have your phone on silent —or out of range— and ignore them.

I’d also be going to them with a list of the issues you have had with them, along with today’s issue about napping. I’d tell them that I was disappointed with this performance an would have to consider moving him to a different childcare arrangement if they couldn’t pull their socks up and stop behaving like dicks.

notalwaysalondoner · 18/01/2021 17:30

It’s their job to deal with children for the hours they are in nursery, including nap refusals and meltdowns. I can’t believe they asked you to pick him up! Next time you take him in I’d ask to speak to the senior member of staff involved and remind them of this. It can’t be the first time this happened and won’t be the last. Parents should only have to pick up in real emergencies not just if a child is being a bit difficult.

diamondsr4u · 18/01/2021 17:31

How a nursery expects all children to nap at the same time is just crazy!!! When my child was at nursery, the children that didn't nap would do some other activity whilst the rest of the children napped.

Just to piss the nursery off, I would lie and make excuses as to why I won't and can't pick him up, he's there for those hours, they need to do something else' with him if he isn't napping.
What are the 5 year olds doing? There's no way they are napping, nor would the 4 year olds

tiredybear · 18/01/2021 17:31

That's utterly ridiculous.

I work in a nursery (4m-6yrs) and nap time is always chaotic. There is always one (or 3, or 5) who decide they don't want to nap at a certain time, or who wake up after only 20mins. Yes, it makes it tricky with staffing and not disrupting other kids, but that's OUR problem to manage, not the child or the parents.

I remember your previous posts and think you should have a meeting with the manager and try to find out what the real issue here is.

Original poster
Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 17:32

@Sethy38

You do your entire weekly shop... and walk back with all the bags?
Yes, I have a double pram with a large basket underneath so 3/4 of the heavier/bulky items go in there.

I then tie two of those big reusable shopping bags onto the wide handlebar that you use to steer the pram.

It sounds a bit bonkers but It works and needs must.

As an aside this is the first time they've ever called me and asked me to collect him early. I'm confused as to why, given that this is the case, they've concluded that he needs to come home tomorrow early too.

I'm going to ask to speak to the nursery manager privately tomorrow, my first question will be "why didn't you separate him from the others if he didn't want to sleep / was having a meltdown"

OP posts:
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