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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I had to cut short my weekly food shop and pick DC up from nursery because he wouldn't nap..

246 replies

Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 15:17

I work PT usually but I'm home for the foreseeable because my place of work is closed due to covid.

I do my weekly shops on a Monday now when my eldest (3) is at nursery until 4.30

1.15pm I get a call from the nursery asking me to pick DS up, I'm in the middle of Sainsbury's at that point half way through my shop and miles away.

They wanted me to collect him ASAP as he was refusing to nap with the rest of the children (they all nap in the afternoon) and because he didn't want to sleep he was having a meltdown and disrupting the others.

I had to pay for what shopping I had in the trolley, half of what I needed, and walk the 2+ miles from the shops to nursery to pick him up early with my baby in tow who I was going to put down for a nap at home after the shop.

AIBU to think this was a bit shit and they could have just taken him out of the sleep room and done an activity with him / played a video with one of the several staff members on? So the other children could nap interrupted.

Was it really necessary to have me pick him up early?

I've also been asked to pick him up at 2pm again tomorrow, because they don't want the same thing happening again.

It's a good job I am off work at the moment as there's no way I could make a habit of this, I'd get the sack.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
wildraisins · 18/01/2021 16:32

Does your DS often have tantrums generally or have other difficulties that the nursery might be struggling with for some reason?

It does sound like they are trying to get him out early, that indicates there is something there that they are finding difficult in some way.

If this is the case it's rubbish of them not to just talk to you about it and try to find a solution - especially as they are advertising themselves a special needs nursery.

I feel like whatever the reasons for it, it doesn't make the nursery look good!

Original poster
Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 16:33

@Wheresmykimchi

Ridiculous.

However -

Do you really walk 2 miles with a baby and do a full food shop?

missespointofthread

Ha, yes unfortunately I have to Grin

I don't drive and neither the supermarket nor nursery are on my door step.

The supermarket is closer to home than the nursery is, but because she called me mid shop I ended up traipsing 2 miles to the nursery with my shopping and baby in tow.

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 18/01/2021 16:34

What the hell? What do they think they are being paid for?!

BrutusMcDogface · 18/01/2021 16:34

It is absolutely bat shit, indeed!

FoofOfTheWalkingDead · 18/01/2021 16:35

I always felt for the nursery staff when DS stopped napping at 18 months since that is the time they would take a break or do their paperwork. BUT, I was at work and they were being paid to take care of him until 6pm, so they did.

I was also using the gov't funded hours for 2 full days. This shouldn't make any difference.

MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2021 16:38

You absolutely need to speak with a manager to sort this out. I can just about accept that if he was having a meltdown today perhaps they felt ill equipped to deal with it- does this often happen whilst at nursery? Many ASD children do save their meltdown ps for home.

They must find a way to entertain him quietly during nap time. Unless there are a tiny number of children there they must have other non Nappers.

When he does stay until 4 how is he when he leaves? I imagine it is a tiring day for him.

BooBahBoo · 18/01/2021 16:40

Also, OP, I agree with PPs suggestions of trying to find another nursery.

A sibling of mine has autism (low functioning) and unfortunately, even though a lot of places say they are set up for kids with SEN/SN, they aren't. My mum has had to really campaign hard for many measures to be put in place as he was becoming incredibly distressed (and she isn't a 'Karen' type, either. It was just ridiculous).

If they can't handle a 3 year old child's meltdowns, then they aren't fit for the job of minding any children, nevermind one with SN. The set up isn't adequate, their skills seem completely lacking and the management is non existent.

There will be another place out there that is much more suitable for your son. I know it might take some time to find it, and a fight to get a place, but please do not let these people think that you are in the wrong. You aren't- they're just utterly shit.

HoppingOnSteppingStones · 18/01/2021 16:42

My 2 Yr old doesn't nap
I would have just said ds doesn't nap.
But if u want me to pick him up I will however I'm currently shopping half way through and I'll be x amount of time.

CleverCatty · 18/01/2021 16:42

strange that he's 3 and is expected to nap at nursery still?

DNephew is 2.5 and they're just trying to wean him off his day time nap - him keeping them awake or waking his parents up at midnight is the final straw LOL.

CleverCatty · 18/01/2021 16:43

@BooBahBoo

Also, OP, I agree with PPs suggestions of trying to find another nursery.

A sibling of mine has autism (low functioning) and unfortunately, even though a lot of places say they are set up for kids with SEN/SN, they aren't. My mum has had to really campaign hard for many measures to be put in place as he was becoming incredibly distressed (and she isn't a 'Karen' type, either. It was just ridiculous).

If they can't handle a 3 year old child's meltdowns, then they aren't fit for the job of minding any children, nevermind one with SN. The set up isn't adequate, their skills seem completely lacking and the management is non existent.

There will be another place out there that is much more suitable for your son. I know it might take some time to find it, and a fight to get a place, but please do not let these people think that you are in the wrong. You aren't- they're just utterly shit.

Agreed with all this here - do they put the kids down for a nap to make life easier for themselves? Not on at all.
Original poster
Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 16:43

Does your DS often have tantrums generally or have other difficulties that the nursery might be struggling with for some reason?

He does yes, they've witnessed a fair amount of these meltdowns usually in the morning when I take him in because he doesn't cope well with the morning "up and out"

He has been there since July 2020 now and whilst he masked alot in the early days, they've now experienced the range of challenges we deal with at home on a daily basis.

He's not aggressive to other children there but is prone to self harming behaviour when overwhelmed (he hits his head on the floor and throws himself down)

I was completely transparent from day one and told them what to expect and how we handle these behaviours, I was reassured they can cope with it as the N.M has alot of experience in dealing with SN children.

I'm in a handful of support groups for parents of autistic children and it doesn't seem that DS' behaviours are out of the ordinary for ASD children his age with a limited ability to communicate.

OP posts:
CottonSock · 18/01/2021 16:44

I remember your posts about the drinks and the late drop offs. Time for a new nursery

Whywonttheyhelpme · 18/01/2021 16:46

You have choices here.
A) Find a new nursery
B) Speak to the manager again. Tell her it is unacceptable and they should be able to manage the situation. If she does not back down, ask to see their complaints procedure and follow up with a formal complaint.

OverTheRainbow88 · 18/01/2021 16:47

I would call nursery now and explain that you will not be collecting him early tomorrow as you are working from home and that they will need to entertain him whilst the others sleep.

DappledThings · 18/01/2021 16:47

I remember your other thread and I still think they are being ridiculous about needing him to be in for a certain time. I don't think you are U for wanting flexible start times (DD is 3 and she arrives anywhere between 7 and 8.30 depending on when she wakes up) and they are definitely being U calling you to collect him

Nap flexibility needs to work both ways. DS was still napping till nearly 4. They used to send him back from the pre-school room back to the previous room to join the younger nappers. DD has just turned 3 and dropped her nap around her birthday so now they don't put her down and were happy to reduce the length of her nap for a month or so prior to that.

Jangle33 · 18/01/2021 16:47

Is it a specific nursery for kids with special needs only or do they just specialise in it? I’m just surprised they took him pre diagnosis. They also don’t sound very good and/or experienced in dealing with what sound like v low level issues. I’d find another - it’s not normal to need to be posting on a public forum like this so much!

TableFlowerss · 18/01/2021 16:48

That’s mental! I’d look for another childcare provider

LizFlowers · 18/01/2021 16:48

How ridiculous, as if children nap to order. They sleep when they need to sleep, you can't force it!

Try to find another nursery - one that is more child friendly.

Windinmyhair · 18/01/2021 16:49

His behaviour isn't out of the ordinary
Forcing any child to nap when they don't want to is highly likely to result in a meltdown. ASD or otherwise.

They are batshit for asking you to pick him up. I would go back to them and say something along the lines of

"X had a meltdown yesterday because he was being asked to sleep when he didn't want to and didn't have a need to nap. I understand the meltdown was disturbing for the other children, but it shouldn't have got to that stage. If he doesn't need to nap he shouldn't be forced to nap, rather engaged in some other quiet activity, or put with any of the other children who don't nap. If he gets to the stage of a meltdown you need to do (Whatever tactics work) to manage it at nursery"

Original poster
Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 16:49

I agree with those of you who suggest I should find an alternative nursery.

I had high hopes for this place as the first two we made enquiries to didn't seem suitable to his needs.

SEN nurseries aren't easy to come by here so I thought we'd struck gold, so to speak. I was really impressed initially.

To answer PP, DS is usually cheerful when I collect him. He's always excited to see me and more often than not he's had a good day.

We have a communication book that the staff fill in and send home with him on the days he's in and it's usually always positive.

I've been picked up on a few things such as how they want me to remove his dummy (that he relies heavily on to self sooth) but I've stuck to my guns on the smaller issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfaweeklyshop · 18/01/2021 16:52

@Jangle33

Is it a specific nursery for kids with special needs only or do they just specialise in it? I’m just surprised they took him pre diagnosis. They also don’t sound very good and/or experienced in dealing with what sound like v low level issues. I’d find another - it’s not normal to need to be posting on a public forum like this so much!
They are advertised as a nursery for children with disabilities, I wasn't aware they took NT children until a few months ago as they took on the sibling of an (autistic) child who currently attends.

They've also said they'd be happy to take on my DD even though she doesn't appear to have any special needs, she's only 1 at the moment.

So whilst they market themselves as a SEN setting they do take NT children.

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 18/01/2021 16:52

I understand the late drop offs though (although didn't read the other thread). Continuity and routine are useful for children with ASD and it makes it easier for nursery to have a less erratic day with people arriving at the same time.

That said, if you are late, you are late and you shouldn't be admonished for that.

Have you tried pecs communication symbols to help him with the "up and about" part of the day?

BungleandGeorge · 18/01/2021 16:54

From what you’ve said I would be looking for a new nursery too. I understand your son may be more extreme than a lot of children but refusing to nap, tantrums, making parents run late, being fussy about food and drink is very normal for any 3 year old and they should be used to coping with it. My child was often late to circle time due to other drop offs and didn’t nap past 2 or 21/2. I’m sure it was inconvenient for the staff but they were always very gracious about it..

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 18/01/2021 16:55

How bizarre. None of my children would nap at 3yrs and would have been pretty upset to be made to try. I’m also a bit confused why they can’t seem to manage your DS. Do they have any specialist training OP? I would expect a nursery for disabled children to have a designated calm down space with nice sensory toys that an adult could take a child and help them get regulated again. I wouldn’t expect you to have to regularly pick up your child up early. It’s not what would happen at a special needs school.

Bananabuddy3 · 18/01/2021 16:55

No. Absolutely not. 10 years working in a nursery here.

3 year olds would have a nap if they needed / wanted them. Sounds like they just wanted peace and quiet and he was getting in the way. They cannot do that - if they want you to pick up early because he’s not sleeping, they refund you.

I never once called a parent due to a meltdown apart from a couple of extremes. One was a settling in session, and one was because it became clear that actually the child was in pain and couldn’t communicate what was wrong (extremely constipated it turns out) and even then, it was more a curtesy (I’m not sure they’re coping, somethings not right, I’m not saying you must pick them up but you need to know what’s going on)

That is not a valid reason at all - it’s laziness. Polite but firm is needed here OP.