If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

I was the teenager caught trying weed. My DF dragged me around my bedroom by my hair, kicking me and nearly broke my nose. I was then locked inside my room with my window nailed shut and not allowed to go to school. Eventually I ended up in care and he was charged with assault. Ironically I can't help looking back thinking I probably deserved it.

With my teens who sneaked out or pushed other boundaries I did what many others have suggested and had calm discussions with them about their actions, consequences, implications for their future and confiscated phones etc.
I do love the idea of getting the child to write an apology and think of their own punishments. I'd write a list too, it would be interesting to see what punishment they chose and from who's list

What were you doing at that age? What were you caught doing? What were your punishments?

Was he actually in trouble with the police or just got picked up and returned home?

Agree it needs to be in your style of existing parenting.

I was going to ask if your eldest has ADHD cause my troublesome teen did have and my god what a nightmare time we had. No amount of talking by us, police, drugs action people, school guidance etc had any effect. Punishments had no lasting effects due to his impulsivity even though we battled through for years and were not too proud to ask for any help that was available ( very limited). Unfortunately we experienced way worse behaviour over the teen years than you have seen with your eldest thus far and could only mitigate the worst of the consequences for him. As an adult although he has grown out of the behaviour he is still suffering some of the consequences of his bad decision making while he was younger.
Could he have ADHD or does he see you having to parent his sibling differently as they do have ADHD and thinks f..k it.

OP - you very explicitly asked for parents who had been through similar to respond. I see the usual 'my child would never do that' squad have completely ignored your request and responded.

Well I have been through this and a lot worse.

IME, the punishment should be what you and your partner can go through with. Don't do something you can't follow through with, or you're not on the same page about. Avoid doing anything that is going to be ballache to implement that you'll abandon.

I'd probably just try and talk to him ... about the danger he put himself in and how heartbroken you'd be if something happened to him.

Ipsywithmycynicaleye: Ironically I can't help looking back thinking I probably deserved it.
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You definitely did not deserve to be put in care and your father should not have assaulted you.
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Bubbles1st Tue 19-Jan-21 11:29:35
What were you doing at that age? What were you caught doing? What were your punishments?
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Staying out late, running away from home, mixing with unsuitable men. I ended up being 'put away' for two years.