If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

@LadyOfTheImprovisedBath

Have to admit I can't see mine leaving the house early in the morning without us knowing - though given younger two room windows open onto a lower roof I wouldn't be able to stop them if they ever decided to.

Though perhaps as there's a family history of this you're in a better postion to understand why he's doing this and what would have influenced you at that age to stop.

How would you know? If his bedroom is on the first floor (no, we don't have a choice) and he can literally open his window and step out, how would you know?

I have no spidey senses that wake me at 11.30pm to tell me one of my offspring has escaped out the window.

Just to re-read your message, you said you couldn't stop them?

Sorry I think I'm confused

I have adult DS, and the beer is a non issue.

The sneaking out at 4am, is a worry and probably due to peer pressure and the pandemic. I would discuss that with him in as adult a way possible.

The messing with trolley is minor and the police will deal with that, you could mention that him receiving a 'caution' ( regardless of whether that was the outcome or not)would result in that remaining on his file for a long time and require disclosure for certain jobs.

Weed, absolutely a big deal at any age for me and a gateway drug for many. I would voice and show my extreme disappointment that he could behave this way. I would then listen, really listen.

Depending on his reactions and personality, remorse and other relevant factors, I would then determine what punishment would be most effective.

Me!!! Still going through it! Ground and confiscate phone and also talk about consequences of smoking weed and police involvement. Hands up Im winging it!

@Skatastic

What a little shit! Is he sorry? I genuinely dont know what I would do (I've got a 16, 14 and 10 year old). DH would lose his fucking mind if he was the one cautioned.

Sorry OP I know that's no help but you have my sympathies! Mine, especially the 16 year old, are a nearly hourly source of worry.

Yes he is, thankfully.

Apparently he looked really bad when DH went to get him. Really had his tail between his legs.

I think the police thing really freaked him out.

quest1on
How did he get out at 4am?

You know you can’t imprison teens, right?

@Whythesadface

Tell him he will decide his own punishment, you want a list of 10 that he thinks are worthy of what he has done. You will choose from this list. You also want him to write you an apology for it. So instead of your ranting at him, he actually has to think about what he did

Hmmm this is interesting.

I haven't told him when he's getting his phone back. He 'guessed' 2 months. Which is a lot longer than I was going to do.

I wonder what he would come up with??

I think I will have a think about this one!

Omg they cautioned your husband and fined you? Wtf!!! Thats so stupid. I would want the fine repaid by ds.

Mine are 19 and 16. 19 been pretty mild, 16 year... oh my gawd😳

I would be having very stern words about safety. Especially regarding climbing the school roof. I think a long discussion. Poor you. Bloody kids

Sorry meant to say I have a 14 to DS. I can't imagine the worry

Mine are 11, 14 and 26 26 year old was a nightmare!
I would make him co tribute towards the fine either with money if he has any so half his pocket money towards the fine, or doing chores until you think its paid off, if you come down hard he probably won't listen and will just push back against what ever you say. I would give him a good talking to about his unsafe behaviour, you need to know he's safe at home in bed not sneeking around. Explain to him its a strange time but you still have rules and expectations, I would talk to him about the drinking and weed spell out the consequences, ive always told mine I dont expect them not to experiment but the need to make sure they are safe. I would maybe ban him from the xbox for a week and make him hand his phone in at bedtime. He's probably really bored with lockdown and missing his friends.
Good luck!

He should certainly be paying the fine. If he doesn't have any money then he can work the fine off with jobs for you and or neighbours - there are thing that can be done that are not forbidden like walking a dog.

I'm not a parent but I have taught a lot of teens, I agree with the, "I will always get you" line and also the "I can't stop you but..."

A talk through all the consequences eg what if there had been a fire and you think he is still inside? What does he think you would do?

No phone hits them where it hurts.

You could use cheap drug tests if you don’t want him using weed. You could link it to a reward. Ie clean drug tests mean more screen time or you could link it to his recent bad behaviour.

The drug tests are easy to use and cheap to buy. Weed can seriously screw teens up. I’d be a lot less concerned about an ‘adult’ using it.

I’d also give him his phone back but I’d put some parental restrictions on it. If it’s an apple phone I would have find my phone set up with parental controls so that you ‘could’ if you wanted track him. It’s up to him to earn back your trust. You can agree not to read emails and invade his privacy in other ways but being able to track him would perhaps make him think twice. Its a fitting punishment for sneaking out.

It’s not great what he has done but it’s not the end of the world either. I’d emphasize the fact he has to earn back your trust but I wouldn’t do a super heavy punishment. Letters of apology and a short sharp punishment (no screens for a week) and then drug tests and phone restrictions.

Removing his phone long term is too much. You can’t cut him off from all his friends. That would be too much. He’s messed up but you want to make sure he can see a way to make it up.

The whole thing with putting time frames on punishments is that all it teaches them is that they need to see it through the time frame and all is forgotten. So a week without the phone...and then what??

He needs to understand that you need to see that he knows he has done wrong, he needs to show that he is sorry and you need to be able to gushed whether he is being genuine. I wouldn't put a time frame on it, I would tell him that the phone is gone for now...and depending on his behaviour over the next steps will be decided. Keep him on his toes. No sitting in his room, being with the family is important at times like these. I would essentially keep him near me...in a subtle way. Talk talk talk!!!!

I asked my teen he said:
Depends on the child if he is good then punish him as he won’t like it and it will make him think twice.

He made the distinction between a one off and the fact that there are loads of things ‘so he is actually being a stupid dick’ because if he was going to do some of that no way would you go on roofs and sneak out or get the attention of staff in a car park.

He said long term talking is the way forward but it’s hard to change behaviour. He said sanctions work on most. Not him ironically

I pretty much agree. The broken trust from the sneaking out / roof walking is the biggie for me. That’s what I would focus on. The waste of police time, the stupidity and the unfairness to you as a family. Time does some tech to solve that one maybe?

The booze and drugs depends whether it’s a small amount shared or a regular thing.

Give him an excuse to be able to blow out his peer group. He needs to be able to say - yeah for no my Kim will kill me...

I just thought to add that I knew of two boys at school who died messing around. One was on the handlebars of a bike, he was 12. Another fell of a roof, he was 16.

As you have been fined he needs to repay you someway. Pocket money, chores, selling something.

Raising teens is so hard. My friend's brother was horrendous as a teen and was being used as a fence at 14. Their mother frogged marched him to the police station and they locked him up overnight. It does sound extreme but she was scared stiff he would get in even more with the gang. He became a copper!

I agree that always being there as you are is so important.

It is however, good news that he was mortified when your DH went to pick him up. Your sweet boy is still there.

It's good that he's contrite. I'm sure the police was scary. Your husband now has a caution which will show up on a DBS check. Is your son aware of that?

I'd also hope he thinks about how great the friends are who legged it and let him and the other kid take the rap.

Your dh didn’t accept a caution? Bizarre

You might also get follow up from social services - it will only be an in case call but make him aware of that too.

Sometimes we feel like we can’t get things back once kids have gone to far but you often can. We have had our share of moments but are largely back my comfort zone - it’s a bit bigger than it started.

The police probably put the shits up him.
Beer non issue, where is he getting it though.
Weed, big issue, remind him not to be donkey/sheep whatever analogy you chose. Peer pressure probably features, who has the money? Distance him from the source of possible. If it’s him, stop the money for now.
Sneaking out is completely unsafe. This is what I would focus most on.
I hope he listens. What I found is that nothing changes immediately, give him time to show he is committed to what you tell him is expected.
Cut him some (not too much slack, it’s a shit time and he’s probably desperate for a buzz of seeing his friends.

The police are not going to phone social services because two teens where playing in trolleys of a super market car park .

@Clymene

It's good that he's contrite. I'm sure the police was scary. Your husband now has a caution which will show up on a DBS check. Is your son aware of that?

I'd also hope he thinks about how great the friends are who legged it and let him and the other kid take the rap.

I think the OP means 'caution' in the sense of the reading of your rights, as opposed to a formal police caution, which is a different kettle of fish and would not be given to her DH in these circumstances.

Do you given a caution or read your rights?

Doesn’t read like your dh was given a caution But in fact read his rights.