If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

Mum of 9 (19 down to 9 weeks). I'd approach with a discussion of why he did it, what he was hoping to get out of it etc, how it could affect what you think of him and how you trust him going forward Re punishment I'm not sure I would - I think I'd be more "right, you're 14, you've had your "experiment" and stupid behaviour episode. Now don't do it again" If he does it again then that then becomes a different matter.

Unfortunately, experimentation with drugs and alcohol - and let's not forget sex - is not uncommon at that age, even at 'good' schools and in 'naice' areas. If you haven't already, it would be a good idea during the month to have the sex and relationships talk - and not just one, keep talking - and provide condoms

I have very direct talks with my teenage sons about sex ( they nearly die of embarrassment). I tell them that the moment they cum inside a girl, they no longer have the choice of when they become a father. I want them to know that if they get a girl pregnant, it will be their life that’s messed up too, not just hers.

I think there are 2 things I would do
1. consequences
2. discussion about behaviour.

This.

We came down hard on on of ours 13 - when we were finally told they'd been stealing from school canteen as did the school. They'd been allowed to get way with it several times by staff and they weren't the only ones doing it.

We let them stew upstairs for a long time as we were unsure how to proceed - then made them write sorry letters refund his own money and removed tech including phone for weeks also had them sit with older sibling at break lunches - which at time was possible - removing them for a while for other's bad influence.

Also had several long talks on subject.

Got impression head of year - who been really angry at first - thought we were being really harsh but we felt as it wasn't a one off we needed to be - plus our teen tried lying to us first off when they weren't sure what we knew.

So removing tech and phone does seem appropriate - as we said it's a privilege to have. I think the other's who were also caught weren't punished as hard which I think they felt was unfair but we were reponsible for our teen so tried very hard to focus it on them and how we expected them to behave and we wanted to make it very clear we weren't happy with their choices and so far we've had nothing since.

@Notcontent

I have a 14 year old and she would never do anything like that - not because of my amazing parenting skills (which are sadly lacking) but because she is just not a “rule breaker”.

But, in my opinion, what is key here is not punishment so much but lots of discussion about the implications of risky behaviours for your DS’s future - the long-term implications of weed smoking etc.

The problem is, people are assuming I haven't had these conversations with him.

A lot.

So many times.

And he still went and did this.

@onlyreadingneverposting8

Mum of 9 (19 down to 9 weeks). I'd approach with a discussion of why he did it, what he was hoping to get out of it etc, how it could affect what you think of him and how you trust him going forward Re punishment I'm not sure I would - I think I'd be more "right, you're 14, you've had your "experiment" and stupid behaviour episode. Now don't do it again" If he does it again then that then becomes a different matter.

Thanks.

That is what I'm hoping.

I would suggest you express your disappointment and point out as already mentioned by others what the consequences of his actions might be. A kid I worked with years back fell off the roof of the school and landed on the spiked metal fencing below - thankfully his injuries were minor (assuming you consider being impaled minor....)

And maybe he could regain his phone privileges with a bit of community service with his partner in crime. Like litter picking in the grocery car park?

Have to admit I can't see mine leaving the house early in the morning without us knowing - though given younger two room windows open onto a lower roof I wouldn't be able to stop them if they ever decided to.

Though perhaps as there's a family history of this you're in a better postion to understand why he's doing this and what would have influenced you at that age to stop.

Mum to a 14 yo.

I'd take away the luxuries he likes the most. For mine, it's her Nintendo Switch and limit phone time. No Zoom meetings with friends.

I'd also force her to look up the dangers of weed and the current lockdown rules. She has an allowance so I'd reduce by a certain amount for every time she was up to no good.

I'm an authoritarian parent though . Depends on your personal style.

I had three nightmare teens - now all in their 30's and are adults with careers and families of their own. You need to find a punishment that they hate. One of mine was obsessed with his sport (still is) so that was easy as he needed us to take him, another never minded being grounded as he would just read (bookcase removed from bedroom for 5 days).

I have no idea how I would have kept them in during a lockdown (we also had sneaking out in the middle of the night)

You say you have had the discussions lots of times with him before this and I believe you. So now he has to see consequences - and you need to stick to them. He needs to pay the fine too, every penny. I would speak to his friend's parent too - even if they choose to handle it more leniently, they need to know you are taking it seriously.

because she is just not a "rule breaker"

Famous last words.

@OHolyTights

because she is just not a "rule breaker"

Famous last words.

My teen has been a normal teen, his neighbour two doors up and a rule follower to the point when he was little it was scary.

He went to Uni kicked over the traces big time and he was kicked out.

Only the weed would worry me.

@ZoeTurtle genuine curiosity, you would rather your 14 year old was out at 4am than smoked weed? (obviously if you HAD to choose one which nobody wants to).

Some teens aren't rule breakers ever - I wasn't but I had older sibling who went off the rails and I was really focused on getting to Univeristy doing well there and getting the hell away from home.

Though I wouldn't count my chickens even with my oldest as college for A-levels or later University could produce changes in their ambitions, behavior and outlooks.

What a little shit! Is he sorry? I genuinely dont know what I would do (I've got a 16, 14 and 10 year old). DH would lose his fucking mind if he was the one cautioned.

Sorry OP I know that's no help but you have my sympathies! Mine, especially the 16 year old, are a nearly hourly source of worry.

What is it with teenage boys and climbing on roofs?!

All sounds like pretty standard teenage behaviour to me. I'd just give him a good talking to and explain the dangers of it all. Being pulled in by the police has probably shaken him up a bit, to be honest.

@TeenagePITA at 14 i was definitely out getting drunk on cheap cider on a friday night. and at 15 i do remember sneaking out at 2am to hang out with a much older bloke i worked with multiple times. Wasnt a smoker so didnt try weed, but i would say its pretty "normal" stuff. And as PPs have said, he was messing in a trolley and not breaking into someones house etc. But the sneaking out would be my main concern, for his safety. I think I would have to show him some missing people or random GBH cases online to let him know this is a real thing.

Also, my son has a tracing locator app on his phone so i know where he is and you can set up an "alert me" function if their phone goes out of a boundary line (so say your street) between certain times. May be worth looking at.

@C0NNIE

Unfortunately, experimentation with drugs and alcohol - and let's not forget sex - is not uncommon at that age, even at 'good' schools and in 'naice' areas. If you haven't already, it would be a good idea during the month to have the sex and relationships talk - and not just one, keep talking - and provide condoms

I have very direct talks with my teenage sons about sex ( they nearly die of embarrassment). I tell them that the moment they cum inside a girl, they no longer have the choice of when they become a father. I want them to know that if they get a girl pregnant, it will be their life that’s messed up too, not just hers.

yes.

and I have had lots of talks about

1. girls who tell you they are on the pill and they aren't
2. consent and the effect alcohol and druhs has on your abnility to make choices
3. sex=baby don't forget it, make sure you don;t end up as a father before you are ready
4. condoms only have a 60% success rate in the first year of use as teensare notoriously bad at using them properly. Look round your class that = 12 of you pregnant or a father if you are all having sex and just using condoms.

Tell him he will decide his own punishment, you want a list of 10 that he thinks are worthy of what he has done.
You will choose from this list.
You also want him to write you an apology for it.
So instead of your ranting at him, he actually has to think about what he did

Effective talk about consequences is so much more important than punishment.

That he is extremely lucky not to be charged with possession.
Go through the long term implications of police involvement. Don’t rant or exaggerate but be calm and factual about long term references, DBS checks, visa applications, Uni.

I talked to my weed smoking teen about the drug supply lines and if you are ‘the demand’ you are responsible for the gang structure that distributes weed, including shooting, stabbing etc.

‘Behave like a responsible citizen, I will respect you as such. Behave like a delinquent, ditto. Phone / x box gone for a week, do this again and I will sell them and you will be in so much trouble you will seriously regret it!”

“Sell them and give the money to a gang exit project “

Parent of a 17 year old boy, fairly well versed in dealing with these kinds of japes..
Some good advice so far, and I’m another that approaches over food or a brew, and leaving until later if things go west.

I find empathy goes a really long way, showing that you understand it’s all very tempting especially when there’s nothing else going on etc. Weed can be a problem from 14 years onwards in my experience (we live in an affluent rural area, really makes no difference where you are and those parents of 5 year olds saying 14 years is young to be smoking weed are in for a rude awakening in future...)

Peer pressure can be extremely strong at 14, I sat with mine and was honest about my own experimentation with weed at 16 but I also showed him studies on how much stronger it is these days and how detrimental it is to a developing brain etc. I always find honesty and openness is the best policy when dealing with teens and trying to foster a relationship where they are able to tell you things without ramification rather than hide what they’re up to. I’ve always told him the chances are I’ll find out what he’s up to one way or another, so its best coming from him. Theres a lot of helpful resources online for teens and parents around drugs too.

As for a punishment, perhaps the shock of being carted to the police station is enough for the trolley incident. For smoking weed I probably wouldn’t punish, it’s going to happen and the more you make things taboo the more they want to do it. But for sneaking out I’d be slapping a full tech ban for a few days and sternly explaining the consequences of you not knowing where he is in the middle of the night.

Good luck and breeeeaattthhh..

Drinking I wouldn't be overly concerned about but I would remind him that he is 14 and he really shouldn't. And if he is, to let you know and always ring for a lift home etc. They're gonna drink, but it's important they do it safely.

Regarding weed, I'd be quite annoyed about that and I'd tell him some harsh truths of people I used to work with and what drug use did to them. I'd also discuss peer pressure. I'm not against weed but I am for anyone under 18. It's one thing trying it when at uni... another when they're barely out of being a child.

I wouldn't be impressed at the roof climbing either and would remind him that if convinced or breaking an entry, his career goals might go poof quicker than he thinks. I'd also remind him of how people do die through falling off, or through, roofs.

Ultimately, he needs to choose better mates. Kids who are brought up a bit more responsible and have some maturity to them. This kid sounds like bad news and I can see them moving onto harder drugs when they hit the 17 mark. He needs to steer clear.

I would point out the potential future harm from police involvement and how it can affect future careers etc.

Can you offer any ways to see his friends which are safer?

I think as adults we forget that the children are missing out on their social lives too. Especially now school is closed.

Good luck. No judgement

As for the punishment. Teenagers are clever.

Taking phones = not being able to contact
Cutting off WiFi = bored and annoying kids who often have internet on their phone

I would opt for something that helps you! When you've helped me organise the garage / 3 hours of chores etc you may have your Xbox controller back.

Oh wow! Mine aren’t that old yet so I can’t advise from that perspective, but I wanted to say that I WAS that teen😳😳😳 My parents dispaired and for sure thought I was going to end up in the gutter. I didn’t! I grew out of it and now have a respectable job, a home, a family etc.

Don’t alienate your child. Keep talking to them and keep listening to them. Do enforce consequences, I think if my parents had been a bit more ruthless (taking away privileges) I probably would have come to my senses sooner.

Good luck!