If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

The police can for 14year olds. They prob won’t because dad turned up but I have known similar situations - including where parents collect that have led to referrals.

@Lemmeout

Do you given a caution or read your rights?

I thought it was the same thing?

Sorry it doesn't sound like he was cautioned then?

How would you know?
If his bedroom is on the first floor (no, we don't have a choice) and he can literally open his window and step out, how would you know?

I have no spidey senses that wake me at 11.30pm to tell me one of my offspring has escaped out the window.

We're disordered light sleeps - often up late and early and people wandering around I tend to hear and check on and send back to bed - DH has insomnia often wanders around at night or sleeps downstairs.

Layout - roof is at front of house huge risk neigbours many shift workers would see and say something. Plus security lights that would trigger which would risk altering us as our bedroom is at the front.

House layout - only really one room we wouldn't hear and then getting back in would be issue - we'd hear any doors and getting back up on the roof to get in vai window would be hard and moving anything to stand on instantly noticable and there isn't really anything to drag to do that. Plus as we have indoor cats they all love so they tend to not think of leaving windows open and ajar.

Youngest window doesn't open quietly and she's in the room next door so we'd hear that one not least as cats insist our bedroom door is open to landing at night.

Plus there are four other people in the house - all of who would say something if one was out and they noticed.

But mainly don't think it's occured to any of them yet - when the get up they've gone for their phones kept downstairs at night and the gaming compter downstairs and invariable get sent back to bed till a decent hour. At the moment their friends aren't roaming around those hours either.

So while I'm sure it's conforting to belive I'm hopeless naive and my teens must be slipping out - it's really unlikley though if they did choose to start stopping them would be hard.

As your window is downstairs have you not thought of a cheap window window alarm so you'd at least stand a chance of being aware?

The weed would worry me.
I know people think oh it's just a bit of weed but actually it can be very damaging for undeveloped brains.
I'd be restricting his access to money for the foreseeable future, no cash whatsoever, can only purchase things through you until he earns your trust back.
I'd be turning his room upside down checking for a stash.
I'd also be getting him to do some research on weed and it's effects.

Sneaking out- I'd be expressing disappointment with and asking him what he thinks should be his punishment.

The odd bear and the climbing the roof etc isn't as concerning for me.

Reminds me of my youth so I'm a terrible judge
FWIW, and totally anecdotally, my mother rarely punished, but always talked things through. I still consider "what would mum think of this?" as a conscience ruler. My friend who had Uber-strict parents is still living at home, unemployed, still smoking weed.

So while I'm sure it's conforting to belive I'm hopeless naive and my teens must be slipping out - it's really unlikley though if they did choose to start stopping them would be hard.

What a bizzare you thing to say.
I couldn't give a hoot if your child escaped or not.
Please don't flatter yourself in thinking I would find comfort in assuming your child escapes too.

@TeenagePITA

Just to re-read your message, you said you couldn't stop them?

Sorry I think I'm confused

Sorry just saw this second comment.

I think there is a difference if they think the can sneak out and you'll not know and when they don't care you know.

If they ever reach point they don't care what we think then stopping any of our children would be impossible.

However if they care and think they can sneak out and not get caught - well in our house this is unlikley - and window alarm might increase being caught risk in your house and be a useful deterrent.

@TeenagePITA

So while I'm sure it's conforting to belive I'm hopeless naive and my teens must be slipping out - it's really unlikley though if they did choose to start stopping them would be hard.

What a bizzare you thing to say.
I couldn't give a hoot if your child escaped or not.
Please don't flatter yourself in thinking I would find comfort in assuming your child escapes too.

that was in reponse to your comments to me and x-post frankly I don't know why I'm bothering so I'll stop posting.

My son was an absolute fucking nightmare for four years. He’s 16 now and has stopped smoking fags and weed but still drinks alcohol occasionally. He was kicked out of school in Year 10 for fighting. We had the police round on a few occasions.

I took his phone, iPad, television, Xbox etc. I stopped his pocket money, grounded him, basically you name it I did it. At times I thought I’d end up having a breakdown because I was so worried and stressed.

Anyway, I came to realise he didn’t care about losing his stuff, so it was pointless taking it away.

It took a long time to get my son back but what worked was talking and not shouting. Shouting made things worse. I told him I would always love him, always be there for him and that I knew he was basically a good kid but that he was desperately unhappy. I told him he could tell me anything and I wouldn’t be angry. Basically I became his safe place. Over time he matured and started making better decisions, but importantly he made those decisions and I didn’t browbeat him into it.

Unfortunately he now tells me everything, whether I want to know or not. There are some things that I don’t want to hear, particularly to do with sex but there you go. He trusts me and that means he can come to me with anything and I don’t judge or shout. We discuss stuff obviously but he needs to learn how to make sensible decisions, rather than me issuing orders.

I wouldn’t punish him but obviously that’s up to you to decide. It’s bloody hard knowing what to do but it really depends on your overall relationship with him. Do you think he’d talk to you about why he’s doing this stuff?

www.amazon.co.uk/NRS-Healthcare-Magnetic-Window-Alarm/dp/B00A8L1WG2/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=Door+and+Window+Alarm&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1610993151&sr=8-4

Booze & weed cost money: what can you do to reduce access to funds, at least know you aren't funding bad habits.

At 14 Teenagers a teenagers are hard.
It's hard to take gadgets off them during lockdown as they need contact with friends to help each other through pandemic.
Get him to do loads off jobs around the hi house to keep him occupied jobs he wouldn't normally do like if you have a garage or shed to tidy. Hoovering washing all floors, washing windows have a job every day to school reopens and if he doesn't do the jobs take the phone.

I would tell him he isn't allowed to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and make sure all door and windows were locked so he couldn't.

Other than that, nothing really. It was just teen pranks, most get up to things at that age (mine did, so did I!).

I don't understand the colleration between an item being removed and misbehaviour, so I don't give 'consequences' or punishments. I don't think 'consequences' or punishments will make him not do it again, he'll just be more secretive if he wanted to. I don't find 'consequences' or punishments effective, I find them damaging. What he did was out of order, but there will be factors to take into consideration and pyschological reasons as to why he did what he did, and you should go through those with a fine tooth pick and get him the appropriate help unique for your child, instead of coming to mumsnet or something similar to take advice from strangers who don't know your teen well.

We had a summer of this when youngest DS was 15. Just all of a sudden. Threefold approach by us:

1. Sensible conversation about why and feelings (when everyone was calm)
2. Kept him so effing busy with boxing, looking for PT job, football team that he was too knackered to go and get into much trouble
3. Drew up a consequences chart where we looked at different levels of freedoms and privileges and agreed with him what level he “deserved” It was like a ladder and he knew further misdemeanours would result in moving down a rung of the ladder, in other words he knew what the consequences would be.

I appreciate that no 2, is totally out of the question right now.

One book that really helped me was www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-twenty-first-century/dp/1788163826?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I wish you luck, and want to reassure you that his 14 years so far are a good guide to how he’ll turn out in the end.

My son is 13 so is a bit younger but I would be absolutely livid at this. Not the behaviour messing around with trolleys, but the time! The odd beer wouldn’t concern me hugely as I think they will experiment at that age but the weed would really concern me. I think talking about it is as important as any punishment. I would confiscate phone and ground but I think time scale would depend on if he was remorseful and genuinely seemed to understand why it’s not ok

Get Bark installed on his phone.
Install Life 360 and then App lock. Lock the Life 360 app so you can see where he is.

At night, lock the door and hide your handbag with keys in it.
I have learnt with my DS, (he is in year 10 now) that prevention is the key. He will always make wrong choices and I don't want it to come back for me to deal with. I told school when he started year 7 to watch him like a hawk.
We have boundaries.. Age appropriate gaming, has to hand over his phone at bedtime etc. I am not spying by using Bark. I am watching over a very immature boy

Forgot to add. Indoor climbing was a saviour for us. He loves it and it's totally exhausting ! Win win

I have a 14 yo and would be so shocked if he did anything like this. I feel for you OP. I told DS about this post and he was also shocked a 14 yo would do this At the moment this type of thing seems far from his radar or that if his friend (touch wood). In fact he barely goes out in the day and has never been out in the dark with friends other than for Halloween (obviously lockdown has played a part in their ability to go out anyway). They tend to connect on Xbox or insta.

My DS thinks your DS should pay the covid fine. I agree (or at least half - as it is a ‘first offence’) either he should pay it by you reducing his pocket money over a period and/or by doing jobs to work it off. I would be having some serious conversations about, why, who, the risks etc (as I am sure you are). Hopefully the fine, the police and you and his dad being upset will be enough to stop him doing it again. Removing devices is tricky right now but I would be sorely tempted, especially if the friends he is in touch with are the ones who encouraged and took place in the outing. I would say I am happy for him to blame you as a reason to say no to similar future suggestions from them.

As for those saying drinking and smoking weed is normal at this age, it really isn’t for all 14 yos.

I don't have a teen yet. But I was smoking weed and fags and drinking alcohol at that age.
I wonder if getting picked up by the police is enough to put fear of god into him? I think it probably will knock his confidence for now.

Active listening could work. Set a timer for five minutes. He can say whatever he likes in that time. At the end you have to summarise what you heard. Then he has to do the same for you. No interruptions. He has to say what he thinks you are trying to say/thinking. Then you can both have a chance to question the other about their opinions. Finish with two minutes again each. Very structured but if you really have to listen to what each other says without lining up the next thing that you want to say, you really have more of a chance of hearing what is really going on.

@Frozenintime

Get Bark installed on his phone. Install Life 360 and then App lock. Lock the Life 360 app so you can see where he is. At night, lock the door and hide your handbag with keys in it. I have learnt with my DS, (he is in year 10 now) that prevention is the key. He will always make wrong choices and I don't want it to come back for me to deal with. I told school when he started year 7 to watch him like a hawk. We have boundaries.. Age appropriate gaming, has to hand over his phone at bedtime etc. I am not spying by using Bark. I am watching over a very immature boy

I have Life360 for his younger brother, so I know where he is to get him in for dinner. I always hoped I wouldn't need it for eldest DS, but I guess I do.

What is Bark?

I don't think Life360 would work on his phone because he doesn't have 4G.

I'm confused or I've missed it- why was your husband "cautioned"? He isn't the offender?

He definitely needs to pay the fine then. Either from his own savings if he has any or write up a list of chores and their reasonable financial cost and he has to work it off while he's grounded.