If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

17 and a 13 year old DS's here.

I would put the phone in a locked box for 2 days (I have one that has a timer lock on, experience has taught me they whine for their phone to send 'just one message' but this removes the whining as it literally doesn't open until timer done). Grounded (but as in lockdown won't be too difficult) fpr 5 days. And O would be making him do family stuff with us (films, walks etc) not only to keep an eye on them but to reconnect and actually have a laugh as it all gets so serious and miserable when they have been arseholes. Making them join you in normality allows the parent/child rather than the oppressor/oppressed interactions to come out a bit.

It is shite OP but remember 'this too shall pass'.

Maidofkent78 - I think your response is probably why the OP asked for parents of teens, or only those with experience to comment, you've got a 5 year old, you cannot possibly know what's normal for teenagers today and it's unhelpful to say you don't think something is right.

I've got a 16 year old, and a 13 year old, plus one still in primary, and I can definitely say that drinking, and experimenting with weed are relatively prevalent in the 16 year old's group of friends. Luckily he's always been focused on his fitness & sports, so the smoking (either tobacco or weed) doesn't interest him, but he has drunk at parties, and at home occasionally. You can't stop them trying stuff, but you can try to teach them the dangers, consequences and affect it may have on them and their friends and family.

I think a stern chat about sneaking out, an 'I'm really disappointed you choose to smoke weed, here's why' conversation and a discussion around what he'd see as a fitting punishment if he was in your shoes would be the route I'd take. If he's usually fairly compliant and reasonable then I think treating him as an ally in finding a solution might be the best way.

Smoking weed and drinking at 14, along with sneaking out at night during a pandemic to fuck about in a supermarket car park? No unsupervised phone access and not allowed out again until trust is rebuilt. Might want to have a think about directing him to better friendships too.

Oh they are hard work! I think it is good that the Police had him at the station though. That coupled with your punishments might scare him straight. Is the supermarket going to expect costs? Does he understand that he has broken COVID rules?

I had one a bit like this. I stopped ALL money so he couldn't buy anything, took his phone off him, he didn't leave the house except for school for two weeks and on friends came over. He knew the dangers of weed and mental health. He still continued to smoke weed (I am sure) but he soon packed it up. The problem is they think it is cool. With mine I think he thought that ordinary life and rules didn't apply to him. It was so so difficult until it wasn't (when he was 19).

What also really helped me was that a friend who's daughter was a bit older had done all sorts and came out the other side. As did my lovely boss' daughter. You are not alone and I am sure he will come good the other side

Definitely a discussion about drugs, consey, county lines, social effects of drugs, criminal record affecting job/travel prospects. I'd also be talking about the safety issues of you not knowing where he is. Then ask what he thinks his punishment should be.

Oh I also had the "so and so can", "so and so isn't being punished like this" and my response always was "Whatever their experience is, they are not you".

So his friend is not punished as much. So? You are his parent and you will do as you see fit.

Maybe tell him that he was probably on CCTV and if a passer by put an incident like that on social media it might make a difference to his work prospects?
Only on MN would a 14 yr olds future job prospects be affected by running about in a carpark 🤣🤣
I wonder what world some ppl live in 🙄

I’ve got 17 and 19 yo DS (and a 10 yo DD)

I’m probably not the best person to ask but I’d go mental. I’d be so disappointed, it would be grounding and no phone or internet from me.

Get on Amazon and buy him a book, he can sit with you in the living room until he grows up.

I wonder what world some ppl live in 🙄

Cheers

I've copied my reply to another similar thread. Ignore the big about "you're big now, I can't stop you..." as my boy is 17, but we have certainly been through it with him with smoking weed and police involvement:

I don't think punishments work at this age. Not sure they did for mine at any ages.
I'd just keep on talking to him. The breakthrough with my teenage son was when he'd done something bad and I was actually calm and resigned and said to him, "you are big now and you are basically able to do what you want. I can no longer make you do things but it is still my job to keep you safe and to talk to you about things".
It went in that I couldn't stop him and made him feel boundless and more insecure about not adhering to some of my boundaries.
It was almost like reverse psychology in a way.
Broken record, negotiating, natural consequence, talking and showing him you care will get you there in the end.
It's just hard going and you have my sympathy, OP.
The danger now is that if you punish him, the next time he makes a mistake where you really could help him, he won't confide in you for fear of punishment.
Honestly, it's been bloody hard with our boy, but we are getting somewhere now.

I would say you need time to think about it because actually it isn't the first time, it's just the first time he's been caught. You're really disappointed In him and shocked that he isn't the kid you thought he was. Take his phone and console (you can just take the controllers) and tell him that's an obvious first step.

Let him stew for a bit. And then follow @steppemum's advice. And also talk about county lines etc.

I have a drug dealing neighbour who sells to loads of kids. I wonder if they know that he has two kids but they were taken into care because of severe neglect and violence. Those are the sort of people he might be supporting.

We have a house rule of no phones after bedtime. I suggest you implement that too.

I’ve had similar and he got grounded for a month with no tech and had to clean up the dog poo without being asked every day for a week. That took 2 months as he kept not doing it and couldn’t make it to a week .

The hard bit is trying to keep open communication about it so you don’t turn into a pantomime bad guy. I was good cop to husband’s bad cop, which made things easier, so if you are a single parent, it will be very hard.

Sadly, the friend who was even more impulsive got expelled from school and shipped off to grandparents out of the county and I think that shocked him into growing up a bit. I wish they’d learned before that

I have teens, and you never think it will happen to you until it does!

So you have my sympathies op.

If he is usually a good kid, and you have been blessed to now I would start with a discussion around WHY he went out like he did, who came up with the idea - how did he think it would end.

I would ask him how long he has been smoking weed, how is funding it, and where does he get it from. All this needs to be done in a matter of fact, conversational way so you can get to the bottom of what has happened.

If it is peer pressure, loneliness, boredom etc. If he is hanging out with others and feeling like he has to do those things.

We would then move on to what happens when you smoke too much weed, here you can ask him directly (he will know, as they all know from the drugs talks) does he want to end up being a drop out or ending his career before it has even begun with a criminal record.
I would talk about prison life and what it is like to be locked up, and that he is now responsible for himself, if he is charged it is now on him, he is too old to be bailed out by you.

I would reaffirm your confidence in him, his achievements and abilities and say it would be shame if he threw it all away.

I would put boundaries in place for meeting friends during the day,
I would set up a movement alarm system downstairs so he does not go out in the middle of the night again, just to help him make the right decisions and then you will know if he is going out again. I would speak to the friends parents and ask them their take on this.

I would be cutting his allowance and access to cash for a while to prevent him from buying drugs. He is only 14, so you can and should be taking steps to protect him without coming down to hard. Hard balance.

Depends a lot on your parenting style and your son. My DM had similar problems with my DBro. Being really strict never worked for my DBro, he always did what he wanted. If your son is otherwise mature apart from the pissing about with the trolleys gave a serious conversation with him about how behaviour such as this could have an impact on his future. The beer and weed isn’t the end of the world IMO, but if he silly enough to be picked up by the police at the supermarket he is probably silly enough to get caught with a joint which could be more serious.

I would add we have always had no phones in the bedroom or any gadgets of any kind after bedtime (an hour before actually, so the dc cna relax without the blue light). Take his phone and tech to bed with you.

He won't be able to arrange stuff without it.

I'd punish him through talking to him like an adult, explain the dangers of weed with a teenagers mind.
He is having a blipp rebellion.
I wouldn't ban phone or friend yet but I'd make him do chores with a curfew.

Also I would find out what the police said to him. If they're read his texts about smoking weed and buying booze, did he tell them where he got them from? The police are scary when you're 14 but grassing up dealer is potentially much more scary.

I agree with removing cash so he can't buy weed but also make sure that you (and he) are aware of the county lines grooming process so he doesn't end up in a park somewhere in another county being jumped for a big amount of cash or drugs (which he will then 'owe' them for and have to keep working for them with no exit. I know I am being ridiculous and it's just a bit of weed but I have seen this scenario more than once irl with 15 year olds.

You can't take him to a juvenile detention centre at the moment, but you could show it to him online, it is a grim and scary place, and if he carries on with this kind of behaviour then his chances of ending up in one, and all the implications of that on his life are increased. It only takes one mistake - someone falls through the roof and dies for instance, before this 'harmless' silly behaviour takes an altogether different tone and outcome. Smoking pot is all well and good until one of them steps in front of car etc. It is not always the behaviour itself, but what can happen as a result.

If you can keep the tone light, but factual - and remind him shit happens to good kids of the time. All of the time.

15 yr old DS. When he was 14 Went out for walk in summer lockdown, supposedly with one friend but was with others and arranged to smoke weed in field. Was caught out - badly arranged plans and another mum smelling a rat!

We had a big talk about peer pressure, choosing the right friends and also drugs in general - where are they coming from (dealers, gangs etc and being known to them), where it can lead to in life etc. I know he will experiment but feel 14 is young and perhaps have no idea of social and mental
Consequences which would give informed choice .

He was grounded and no phone for a week.

So far, so good but lockdown and we’ve got years to go yet!!!

just to echo others,
we have a no phones in bedrooms overnight rule.
I finally relaxed it when they were about 15, but only if they could prove they were sensible with it.

All phones plugged in downstairs. Dd2 (13) started coming down and taking hers after we had gone to bed, so now it is in dh study.

Hard to meet up with someone if you can't contact them.

And he hasn't gone of the rails. He has done something stupid, probably once, and getting picked up by police was probably scary.

Conversations about the effects of drink /drugs along the lines of making good decisions (eg climbing on a roof when you are under the inlfuence) drink/drugs removes your inhibitions and that is why they are dangerous etc, rather than Drugs are Wrong, which gets nowhere with a teen.

This happened to my daughter - she was staying with a friend in the village, aged 15-16 I think. Caught in the garage toilets with weed, late at night. Both taken to the police station. Friends mother came in to take her daughter home, I was asleep and did not hear the phone so they were unable to question her without me, and she spent the rest of the night there. No charge as there was nothing actually on her person, but got a stern talking to. She was furious with me for not responding but I’m afraid I was very unsympathetic and told her it served her right. Not grounded as I was a single parent working shifts, so not enforceable, but a very frank discussion on what would have happened if she’d been charged

@HerMammy

The police lifted him for carrying on with trolleys? I assume you live in a low crime area 🙄 He sounds very typical of his age, a few harsh words about sneaking out and grounded for the week. MN will have him a crack addict my easter though.

No the police 'lifted him' () because there's a frigging pandemic. They shouldn't be out, there was 4 of them. Him and his best friends got caught, two ran away.

I will answer all the other questions soon, I can't read through them just yet as I'm at work.

But I've scrolled down quickly and there doesn't appear to be the judgement that I feared so thank you in advance!

Will be back on my lunch break.