If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

My mum installed something similar to these when my granddad used to wander at night. The ones we had were really loud!

As a previous wayward teen it would have stopped me!

www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/health-aids-personal-care/dementia-memory-aids/movement-monitors/magnetic-door-window-open-alarm-pack-of-3?gclid=CjwKCAiAgJWABhArEiwAmNVTB79xqDmSK3rtBIG7ySzSazFzGnRv7q5oo_SZmj9-kQuFPWpGP9ARIRoCgOUQAvD_BwE

When our eldest pushed her luck, the most effective punishment we found was taking her bedroom door off. That way, she could have zero privacy and it tortured her far more than grounding ever did.

And it made sure that I knew exactly what she was up to.

I'd have to sort that window lock out, though, OP. Going off out the house at 4am isn't on.

I can't remember whether I read an article or watched a TV program on the subjec,t but they asked the teenager to explain why they felt their parents were angry/let down by their behaviour, asked them to outline what could have happened and then, crucially, asked them what punishment they would deem appropriate. Most teens were actually harder on themselves than their parents would have been. Obviously if they did select a really useless punishment, then you would impose one of your choosing instead.

@PanamaPattie

I'm confused or I've missed it- why was your husband "cautioned"? He isn't the offender?

I thought when the police said "you have the right to remain silent" etc was being cautioned.

I've since learned that this is not the case.

You can get WiFi motion detectors for the windows too. I have the hive ones on some of my windows and my external doors. I guess CCTV would be good too.

Weed and beer at 14 seems age appropriate?! I am so out of touch, because not in my book it's not. Granted I've only a 5 year old so won't comment on the original post in terms of how to deal with the punishment but this statement just seems wrong to me.

It's age appropriate in the context that it's what 14 year olds get up to behind their parents backs, it's not saying it's okay. If the post was about an 8 year old or 10 year old no one would be saying it's age appropriate.

We all thought our 5 year old angels wouldn’t touch weed.
Of course its not “appropriate” at 14, its not exactly appropriate at any age but 14 year olds have a habit of pushing boundaries and experimenting.
Lots of parents have selective or short memories.. especially on mn

@ItsJustARide

We all thought our 5 year old angels wouldn’t touch weed. Of course its not “appropriate” at 14, its not exactly appropriate at any age but 14 year olds have a habit of pushing boundaries and experimenting. Lots of parents have selective or short memories.. especially on mn

Exactly. Weed and beer may be inappropriate at 14 but they will do it. They will also generally outgrow it.

I have a 14yo and a 13yo. I’d be ropable if one of them did this and so, so disappointed. I refuse to minimise 14 yos drinking and smoking weed. They’re not 16, they’re 14! In my family we have two people whose severe mental illness was possibly triggered by weed, or at the very least left them dealing with both mental illness and substance abuse at the same time.

I’m not big on punishments that don’t relate to the crime. I’d be getting him to repay the fine either by selling something or working it off doing jobs around the house. And I’d cut off his access to money given he is spending it inappropriately. No technology overnight is also helpful as it stops them having conversations with friends at 2am that could lead to temptation of sneaking out. My kids put their laptops, iPads, phones etc on the charger in the living room every night when they go to bed. Use a locked box if you have to.

It’s contentious but I do have Life360 for my kids. It was a condition of getting their phones which we pay for. DH and I are also on it so they can see where we are too. I try to use it sparingly, for instance if they aren’t home when I expected them to be. It saves a flurry of texts. It also tells me if their phone has run out of battery which is helpful and prevents a series of calls and texts asking why they’re ignoring me! We also have a Ring doorbell that picks up anyone walking through the front garden. We didn’t get it to track the teenagers but it is a handy bonus!

So far my 13yo DS is quite young and isn’t getting up to anything. DD 14 occasionally does something silly or undesirable so then we rein in her freedom a a bit until we feel confident she can be trusted again.

One other suggestion. I’m in Australia and we are on summer holidays right now. We found that in the evenings we were all doing our separate thing on our various devices. So one night we made everyone put them away and played board games. We assumed the kids would hate it but they loved it and wanted to do it every night. I feel like my connection especially with my 14yo has really improved recently and I’m sure that time spent having fun together has helped.

I have a 14yo and a 13yo. I’d be ropable if one of them did this and so, so disappointed. I refuse to minimise 14 yos drinking and smoking weed. They’re not 16, they’re 14!

At 16 I would still be equally as shocked and the consequences would be the exact same in my house. 16 is still too young and that behaviour would not be acceptable!!

I attend youth conferences for young people and drug use is a constant issue. They never cease to be shocked when they're told the implications for getting into America if they have a criminal record

I would take away the phone/tablet/Xbox/anything that is fun. Only allow minimum tech for homeschooling, which will now happen where I am in the house, i.e. not in his bedroom.
Grounded for a fortnight
I would also be having a chat with the other boys parents, a strong talk about what it means to break the law at his age.

I have a 14 year old and an 18 year old. 18 year old is an absolute stalwart for never breaking the law, 14 year old is more daring and has been caught stealing with a friend last year.
I took away everything for a month.

I would also closely monitor any friendships. I'm not saying this applies to you, but in my area, gangs recruit young teens by getting them to do silly things and buying them stuff so they owe favours to the gang

I thought when the police said "you have the right to remain silent" etc was being cautioned.

It does, but it is different to 'a caution'.

Your husband was 'read his rights' as in cautioned that anything he said could be used etc etc.

A police caution AKA a caution or simple caution is given as an alternative to court if you have admitted guilt. The son could be given a caution but not the parent.

OP

Can ds sleep upstairs? Either temporarily or long term?

@sashh

I thought when the police said "you have the right to remain silent" etc was being cautioned.

It does, but it is different to 'a caution'.

Your husband was 'read his rights' as in cautioned that anything he said could be used etc etc.

A police caution AKA a caution or simple caution is given as an alternative to court if you have admitted guilt. The son could be given a caution but not the parent.

OP

Can ds sleep upstairs? Either temporarily or long term?

Oh I understand, thank you.

He can't sleep upstairs because middle DS has ADHD and very troubling behaviour.
He walks out the house whenever he pleases and I'm thang close to calling social services for advise.
There's no way he could have the downstairs room and even easier access to escaping. (I've seriously got my work cut out with him).
And in the other upstairs room is 2yo DS and me,
2YO can't go down stairs because the other two are so bloody noisy they would wake him, the bathroom and shower would wake him, then I would be upstairs and he would be downstairs and him crying in the night would likely wake everyone else.

We have considered this many times because eldest DS doesn't actually want to be downstairs. So we have considered several angels but none seem to fit without causing another issue.

But ultimately, even if he were upstairs, if he wanted to escape, he still could.

I did at that age! (But I wasn't smoking, drinking or climbing on bloody roofs or destroying supermarket car parks!)

I remember also, my younger brother was constantly in trouble as a teen. I don't remember how often it happened, but the police would ring my father to come and pick him up. I thing the point at which things turned around, was when my father in sheer exasperation told the police he wasn't going to come and collect, that they could do what they like with him. The police told him they couldn't do that, so my mother asked them to bring him home.
At the door, my father wouldn't look at him, told them to take him away, my brother was crying, my mother talked to him all night. I don't know what was said, but after that things got better. He has sons of his own now, owns his house and is a responsible adult.
Teenagers change and do grow up, there is hope

@scubadub

I have a 14yo and a 13yo. I’d be ropable if one of them did this and so, so disappointed. I refuse to minimise 14 yos drinking and smoking weed. They’re not 16, they’re 14!

At 16 I would still be equally as shocked and the consequences would be the exact same in my house. 16 is still too young and that behaviour would not be acceptable!!

I don't think anyone is minimizing at all.

What they are saying is that it is not unusual for parents to discover that 14 year olds are experimenting with stuff they shouldn't - drink weed and sex.

The issue is really - how do you respond in a way that stops it, rather than that pushes it underground.
I have a friend who did loads of stuff unknown to her mum. Looking back, a lot of it was very risky behaviour. (she was having sex at 13) Her parents didn't know. Why? Because they would have gone ballistic and locked her down forever, and would not have in anyway understood anything about being a teen. There were no conversations in their house about drink, drugs or sex. They were taboo.

My brother had the potential to do similar. My parents did a huge amount of open talking and debating and listening and showing him the consequences etc etc etc. That was much more effective, and he has said, that when he left home, the fact that my parents were there and would always have a bed for him made the difference between him doing/not doing some very risky things.

I know from my own kids that 13/14 is the hardest age. They do actually begin to grow up after that, but this is the lowest point, in terms of responsibility and behaviour. Coming down like a ton of bricks rarely works, unless you have the open two way conversations that go with it. Which doesn't mean that you can't /don't have consequences, but rather that teaching is as important, and so is listening.

When my stepdaughter came to live with us (now 15, then 13) she told me that she used to do things like this at her mums. She frequently climbed out of her bedroom window and went walkabout at night, met friends to drink etc. Punishments there had led to retaliations, violence on both sides, generally shit.

I was horrified, but in the quite extreme circumstances of her arrival, clearly wasn't prepared to punish what had gone before! Had no idea how to prevent history repeat itself, having NO parenting experience, so was winging it entirely.

I approached it, entirely bricking myself, by explaining I wouldn't tolerate lying in our house, and her dad and I would always be 100% honest with her. Her creeping out and lying to us about her actions would mean that she wasn't being truthful with us, so she'd be breaking the hard and fast rule that we have. It's not a big thing to ask, and plays on the need for respect that is such a big deal for teens (which is fair enough)!

She pushed the boundaries a couple of times (older boyfriend that she lied about) and clearly, instinct tells you that something is going on
In that instance. I sat her down and said 'right, what's going on?' The 'telling the truth' line was great, as I was able to say 'the one thing I have asked of you is that you're honest with me, and you haven't been. It shows that you have no respect for me, when I've always treated you with the respect you've asked for'.

She unwaveringly thought she was an adult and should be treated like one due to her upbringing to that point, so we found treating her (in her eyes) entirely as an equal, with mutual respect, instead of traditional punishments creating a basis for good behaviour was the best way. But I do appreciate our situation is probably not the norm!

I have a friend who did loads of stuff unknown to her mum. Looking back, a lot of it was very risky behaviour. (she was having sex at 13) Her parents didn't know. Why? Because they would have gone ballistic and locked her down forever, and would not have in anyway understood anything about being a teen. There were no conversations in their house about drink, drugs or sex. They were taboo.

That sounds like my upbringing, with the addition that anything that was found out would be broadcast to anyone and everyone.

I wasn't allowed out of the house after dark until I was 16+

My default became to just not tell my parents anything. But this meant I didn't have backup and I couldn't call for help if I needed it.

@maidofkent78 don't worry I have teens it is defo not age appropriate!

[quote MrsDiplo]@TeenagePITA at 14 i was definitely out getting drunk on cheap cider on a friday night. and at 15 i do remember sneaking out at 2am to hang out with a much older bloke i worked with multiple times. Wasnt a smoker so didnt try weed, but i would say its pretty "normal" stuff. And as PPs have said, he was messing in a trolley and not breaking into someones house etc. But the sneaking out would be my main concern, for his safety. I think I would have to show him some missing people or random GBH cases online to let him know this is a real thing.

Also, my son has a tracing locator app on his phone so i know where he is and you can set up an "alert me" function if their phone goes out of a boundary line (so say your street) between certain times. May be worth looking at.

[/quote]

What app is that?

@EndingSoon what operating system are you using? There’s a few. You’ve got the “find my iPhone” app on IOS, but you can set up parental controls etc too. On Android there’s the Google’s family link app (which will let you set screen time limits, block apps, let you track their location etc and you can even “lock” their phone if you don’t want them on it). There’s a few other apps in the app stores on both operating systems too, but I’d say those two were best for location tracking etc

I’m not the poster you originally asked btw sorry, just use the family link and iPhone ones for my own DC!

I have tweens but I’ve already cottoned on to the fact my two are going to seriously push the boundaries it’s just in their nature.
I had a boyfriend when I was 14 and I escaped in the night cycled 3miles to his house and then back before my parents woke up
I agree all the stuff about having an open conversation, punishments I think just cause them to be secretive.