If you've had a teen and it wasn't plain sailing, please come this way. How would you punish this?

[TeenagePITA]

Just say you had a 14 year old who's generally a lovely, funny, intelligent kid. Doing well at school, apart from the occasional minor offence that warrants the odd 10 minutes at break time.

Has keen healthy hobbies.

But you get a call at 4am, he's down the police station with his best friend. Caught in a supermarket carpark being a dick with trollies. Clearly both had snuck out.

Police hand phone straight to parent -I.e he didn't get the chance to delete anything, phone is regularly checked by parent.

Due to not having the chance to delete anything, it transpires he's been smoking weed. Drinking the odd beer AND climbed on top of a school roof during an escapade.

AND this is the the first time.

So hypothetically speaking and asking for a friend 🙄

How long would you ground for? How long would he lose his phone for? Etc etc

Best friend is known to always get very very minimal punishments.

So that skews this child's parents way of thinking, example him being grounded until he's 36 suddenly seems too extreme.

Please parents of teens who have been through similar.
I really don't want judgement from parents of 2 year olds who have no idea.
I had no idea when he was 2.

I would probably ground him for a couple of weeks and maybe limit the amount of time on phone, Xbox etc. I would also talk through the consequences of his actions.

The most important thing I did with my teens was make sure that they always knew if they got themselves in any sticky situations that they could call me. This meant that if they were in a group who were starting to behave in a way that they didn’t think was right they could call me and I would come and get them. I have even made excuses for them why they have suddenly needed to come home to save them saying to their friends ‘I don’t want to do this’. I find with teenagers a lot of them get sucked into doing things they don’t want to and they need an adult to step in and remove them from the peer pressure.

Good luck, parenting teens is hard work 💐

Firstly, you need to find out how he's sneaking out and stop that from happening. Otherwise, grounding him is pointless if he's still able to sneak out.

Find out who the other two were and inform their parents. He will hate that.

No phone, Xbox etc for a month.
1 week for sneaking out
1 week for being caught by the police
2 weeks for breaking lockdown.

Good luck.

@PenguinIce

I would probably ground him for a couple of weeks and maybe limit the amount of time on phone, Xbox etc. I would also talk through the consequences of his actions.

The most important thing I did with my teens was make sure that they always knew if they got themselves in any sticky situations that they could call me. This meant that if they were in a group who were starting to behave in a way that they didn’t think was right they could call me and I would come and get them. I have even made excuses for them why they have suddenly needed to come home to save them saying to their friends ‘I don’t want to do this’. I find with teenagers a lot of them get sucked into doing things they don’t want to and they need an adult to step in and remove them from the peer pressure.

Good luck, parenting teens is hard work 💐

this is so important.

I will ALWAYS come and get you if you feel unsafe or want an opt out.

You can ALWAYS use me as an excuse/blame me to get out of doing something you can't do. I don't mind appearing as the bad guy.

and the long term message - you can always come home, there will always be a place here if you need it.

I think this is so important for them.

You've never smelled the weed on him? Or the alcohol? And you don't know if he leaves the house in the middle of the night? It sounds as though you're not keeping a close enough eye on him, tbh. I'd ground him for at least a month and take away all devices.

@SummerBlondey

You've never smelled the weed on him? Or the alcohol? And you don't know if he leaves the house in the middle of the night? It sounds as though you're not keeping a close enough eye on him, tbh. I'd ground him for at least a month and take away all devices.

When I am asleep upstairs, no I don't know that he's crept out of his bedroom window. But I did suspect it. No I haven't smelt weed on him but he did tell me that he has tried it once before.

Have you got teenagers?

@Cuntitinthebin

Firstly, you need to find out how he's sneaking out and stop that from happening. Otherwise, grounding him is pointless if he's still able to sneak out.

Find out who the other two were and inform their parents. He will hate that.

No phone, Xbox etc for a month.
1 week for sneaking out
1 week for being caught by the police
2 weeks for breaking lockdown.

Good luck.

He sneaks out his window (ground floor) I could lock it but it would be a fire hazard. And to be honest he could easily leave out the front door if he really wanted to.

I used to escape regularly at his age, my parents were clueless. I found out today that my dad did at that age to, so clearly it's in the genes. 🙄🙄

My point is, I don't think I can physically stop him.

The idea of the thread is to get guidance on how to punish the behaviour.

Sorry I'm reading and replying.

The fact that some of you are saying "ground for a couple of weeks and reduce time in on Xbox etc and talk through consequences" and so on, has really reassured me.

This is exactly the direction I've been going in so far (although grounding was more like a month, given that its cost us money and he needs to earn it back).

My children would not do this (no I don’t have teenagers) 🤣 I do remember doing this in a much less safe area and just think thank goodness nothing bad happened because I ran into my older brothers not someone more threatening. I think how you manage it depends on your DS. Can you talk to him openly or is he not really a talker. I’d say how you feel as a result and ask his thoughts and give him information on risks involved. I’d also limit something and say I wanted him to use the extra time he has to do something constructive (so potentially no gaming if that’s his thing and he can read or do something more creative or help you with something). I’d try and keep it calm and measured if he’s generally not making trouble. I would say bars on the window but that’s because I grew up with a much higher crime rate so on balance bars were more protective than anything else. From what you’ve said they’re not warranted.

Cost money? Was he fined?

Not at the teen stage yet OP, but when I was a teen the knowledge I had disappointed my parents and changed their opinion of me via my behaviour crucified me.

Mum to DS’ 16 & 15 (plus DD 11) here. A very very long and incredibly dull conversation about drugs, crime and consequences. Basically hours of going over the same ground. Then drill into him what becoming an addict means in your 20’s and 30’s and 40’s if you reach that age. Show pictures, use real life examples. Literally bore the arse off him by going on and on about it.
I would keep his future spending money i.e. not give it to him, but save it for him so he doesn’t get the use of it immediately, but he doesn’t get to buy stuff with it for a good bit. I would take his key off him but let him keep his phone / internet, proving he proves every single day he’s done his school work.

@Xmasgrump

Cost money? Was he fined?

No. We were! Covid fine.

They actually cautioned my husband when he went in. "You have the right to remain silent..." wtf.
We still can't figure out why he was cautioned?

I have 3 teenagers and I’d do what @steppemum and @PenguinIce said.

I’d be most worried about them being on the school roof - kids have fallen off or fallen through school roofs. Just a few examples -

www.wakefieldexpress.co.uk/news/warning-after-boy-seriously-injured-school-roof-29324

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-36575053

www.lincolnshirelive.co.uk/news/local-news/bourne-boy-falls-roof-building-4210724

www.portsmouth.co.uk/education/teenager-seriously-hurt-after-falling-15ft-roof-swanmore-college-2944974

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/boy-suffers-fractured-skull-after-12627116

The police will come down on this like a ton of bricks because as well as the risk of falling, teens often set schools on fire.

IME the police were VERY good with a teen who was going off the rails a bit and keeping bad company. They sat down and had a hard talk about the harsh realities of life. “ We know you are a good kid from a good family and you think you are tough but you have no idea and this is what it’s like so make better choices “ kind of thing.

Ok - I would then “sell” his Xbox/PS4 in order to pay for the fine. (I wouldn’t actually sell them, but remove them from him until he has paid back the fine).

@C0NNIE

I have 3 teenagers and I’d do what *@steppemum and @PenguinIce* said.

I’d be most worried about them being on the school roof - kids have fallen off or fallen through school roofs. Just a few examples -

www.wakefieldexpress.co.uk/news/warning-after-boy-seriously-injured-school-roof-29324

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-36575053

www.lincolnshirelive.co.uk/news/local-news/bourne-boy-falls-roof-building-4210724

www.portsmouth.co.uk/education/teenager-seriously-hurt-after-falling-15ft-roof-swanmore-college-2944974

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/boy-suffers-fractured-skull-after-12627116

The police will come down on this like a ton of bricks because as well as the risk of falling, teens often set schools on fire.

IME the police were VERY good with a teen who was going off the rails a bit and keeping bad company. They sat down and had a hard talk about the harsh realities of life. “ We know you are a good kid from a good family and you think you are tough but you have no idea and this is what it’s like so make better choices “ kind of thing.

Yes my main concern was him failing.

I said to him about how few ambulances were available, and how I didn't want to be wiping his butt while he's in a wheel chair for the rest of his life because he's paralysed from the neck down.

The police won't come down hard on him because they don't know about it.

I found out after I read a discussion about it in social media.

I would hesitate to remove his phone as I think it's very important for young people to speak to their friends at the moment.

That said, if you take it off him at night then there's less chance of a repeat.
Definitely agree with others about a frank discussion in a calm way, using the disappointment angle.

Please know that you are not judged for this, it is his actions. I know it's hard not to feel judged but this is as much about him growing up as it is about you releasing him into the world from your protection. Sometimes more good and learning comes from an experience like this than if it never happened at all.

When My DS was taken off a roof (preCovid) I went down to the station and started telling him off, he (backed into a corner metaphorically) started answering back.

I roared don't you fucking dare answer me back, you are chatting shit and you know it.

On the way home I took his phone and said you are losing this for a week if I am allowed to talk to you without you rolling your eyes, i.e basically if you listen to me failing that it will be a month.

He chose the week, the one thing that came out of it was that he now tells me exactly where he is going and the mantra in our house has become, if you don't come home it gives the police a good place to start.

He does smoke weed occasionally but is too tight to buy it too often, when he is going out for a "smoke" there are signs (not so furtive phone-calls) I just say I will have some crisps and stuff ready for the munchies when you get back. He rolls his eyes.

I heard him tell a friend the other day, no she doesn't mind as long as I don't rip the arse out of it, other friend must have said you are lucky, because he replied, nah mate, not the same if you Mum doesn't mind.

I do mind, but I am not telling him that.

I'm the lose morals relaxed weak-imposed-will parent.
So keep that in mind.
I'm like that because they can't make good decisions without making some bad ones... the 2 go together.

That said, DC know if they ever got arrested I'd leave them in jail 3 days so that they would do absolutely anything to avoid going back. I'm not truly soft.

I would focus on the harms done. This is what adults have to do when they make bad decisions - make amends.
Covid fine: he has to pay.
Stress: taking away the Xbox time gets his attention but does it make amends -- not really.

Any moment, each and every one, which involves stress to the parents like paying the fine or appealing the fine or talking to the police -- he needs to be part of that. He has to face up to the consequences.

I'd be on his case like a rash "WHY did you think that was reasonable?" conversations. Because I'm trying to Help them develop the skills to make better decisions (future better behaviour is ultimate goal, right?) so that he would know in his own head that he deserved to have a better life, that this set of outcomes is not what HE Wants. That will help him make better decisions in future (I hope).

Talk to him. Gauge the rest by how you feel he actually has taken on board the severity of what has happened eg his parents being fined for his choices and behaviours. He needs to understand what he did was wrong and why- does he?

They do grow out of the roof stage., bloody hard whilst you are waiting though.

Every time he went out at that stage, I would shout after him have fun, but remember you are not coming to live back here if you have life changing injuries.

I wasn't judging you, by the way. I used to sneak out as a teenager too. My parents have never mentioned it so I think they've no clue.

Also, I gave guidance on how to punish him. Remove all devices.

Make him pay back the fine.

Oh and re the Covid fine, how much was it, ?

Smallish amount he pays it, large amount you pay it or make him go 50/50 but make sure that he knows there is no spare money until the bank account recovers, even if there is no real impact I would infer that there was.

Yes, teen t-shirt owner here.

Conversations - that's listening to why and how he feels as well as talking; be firm but avoid shouting - and consequences are necessary, as is a change in the sleeping and keyholder arrangements. That ground floor window is too much of a temptation, especially when friends can easily come a'knockin and you are upstairs. What you also don't want is things being passed to him through the window to use or for safe keeping. Even if you have to swap, he needs to be upstairs.

Being grounded won't have as much of an impact because of lockdown but I would be saying until after Feb Half Term, together with no phone, no internet use except for schoolwork and make sure he can't get around that, no gaming, no treats and a daily list of chores. I would also want to know who the two runners off were and inform their parents.

Unfortunately, experimentation with drugs and alcohol - and let's not forget sex - is not uncommon at that age, even at 'good' schools and in 'naice' areas. If you haven't already, it would be a good idea during the month to have the sex and relationships talk - and not just one, keep talking - and provide condoms.

He doesn't sound like a lost cause - if there is such a thing - but you do need to act decisively, IMO. I would be extremely concerned about him being out at 4am at 14, lockdown or not - not only because of the breach of trust and anti-social behaviour but also because of vulnerability to so much.

@Cuntitinthebin

I wasn't judging you, by the way. I used to sneak out as a teenager too. My parents have never mentioned it so I think they've no clue.

Also, I gave guidance on how to punish him. Remove all devices.

Make him pay back the fine.

Oh no I didn't think you were. I appreciate the advice.

To the above person who sent all those links - thank you.

He's currently doing science revision. After that, he's spending half an hour writing a short caption about each of those reports.

I have a 14 year old and she would never do anything like that - not because of my amazing parenting skills (which are sadly lacking) but because she is just not a “rule breaker”.

But, in my opinion, what is key here is not punishment so much but lots of discussion about the implications of risky behaviours for your DS’s future - the long-term implications of weed smoking etc.