That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

Instead of your DP giving a ridiculous amount of money to a irresponsible adult, they should offer to pay for therapy. Money isn’t the answer to your sibling’s issues.

@BitterNTwisted

I really wish I could send this thread to my parents but I think it would floor them. In their minds they’re doing A Good Thing.

I think you need to find a way to tell them. As I said above, not doing so is actually enabling them, in a similar way that they are doing to your sister.

My Mum had a similar situation with her brother years ago OP. My uncle used emotional blackmail on my Grandparents to get a huge amount of money out of them, which they couldn’t really afford. Needless to say, my Uncle has now spent all of that money, and his share of inheritance when my grandparents died. He is now a sad, lonely man in his 60s, living off a tiny pension. Unfortunately, as you know, this money won’t help your sister in the long term. I understand your bitterness.

The one major question to your parents is - can they afford to be giving money away to this extent? I’d have a chat with them. Tell them about my Uncle and thousands of other people like him. Try and get them to see that they aren’t helping their daughter by giving her money. They are potentially making her future much worse. One day, there will be no more money for your sister to have and what will happen to her then?

Good luck OP

Yanbu to feel like that. I can sympathise as have a sibling who has behaved similar but lesser (and never had access to six figures!). Parents basically bought them a house which my db is now a few years later able to buy back from them as he has sorted his life out. However I only feel grateful that I haven't had the mental health/ addiction problems they have had and have been able to buy a house/ live a nice life off my own back. My parents have occasionally given me gifts which I'm extremely grateful for. My db is now on a good path thankfully.
You've had a very good inheritance amount so in the kindest possible way- I would move on and forget about it. Your parents can do what they like. It would be different if you were struggling financially- are you?

I agree that you need to talk with your parents & yes she was nervous telling you as it didn't sit quite right. You should be honest & say your feelings are hurt & you're concerned that they are financially disadvantaging themselves to enable her unstable lifestyle.

It would be better if this house was put in a trust for the grandchildren so she can't sell up on her next whim & ridiculous that they just transferred her the money.

I'd be really pissed off but am sure your parents are just trying to help. I'd go as far as to say they should retract the money & she should buy somewhere less 'dreamy' with her own money. If she hadn't frittered away her inheritance would she have been able to buy it herself?

I feel like because you've already had a six figure inheritance YIU don't really have much right to complain. It's more than many people can hope for. Just be greatful you're not a fuck up like your sibling.

I actually think the best approach here is to stay off the fairness of this £100K+ completely, and say to your parents - where does this end? Write off your thoughts on this £100K+. Now is the time to prevent the next car crash pay out

I agree with this. I think your parents actively need to hear some home truths. One being that their parenting of her has been poor, and that they have in fact massively enabled her dysfunction and addiction, possibly kicking the day your sister sobers up and has something in her life worth having into "never".

You seem really unusually hesitant to be the cause of any negative feeling in them. What's up with that? They're adults, aren't they?

I agree with PP to try to detach (and reduce contact; it's a bit worrying that you said your DC love your dysfunctional sister!) and remember that you have so many things worth having, and what you have you've earned and built yourself and know the worth of. Nothing worth having comes easy. And when you've never worked and built something yourself, you don't have the appreciation for it. You were able to value the inheritance you already received far more than your DSis, because you knew what it meant to have to earn your way.

@Enidblyton1

My Mum had a similar situation with her brother years ago OP. My uncle used emotional blackmail on my Grandparents to get a huge amount of money out of them, which they couldn’t really afford. Needless to say, my Uncle has now spent all of that money, and his share of inheritance when my grandparents died. He is now a sad, lonely man in his 60s, living off a tiny pension. Unfortunately, as you know, this money won’t help your sister in the long term. I understand your bitterness.

The one major question to your parents is - can they afford to be giving money away to this extent? I’d have a chat with them. Tell them about my Uncle and thousands of other people like him. Try and get them to see that they aren’t helping their daughter by giving her money. They are potentially making her future much worse. One day, there will be no more money for your sister to have and what will happen to her then?

Good luck OP

I like @Enidblyton1’s thoughts.

Perhaps when chatting to your parents you could discuss how giving her this money isn’t really helping her (as someone said above, it’s giving a drunk a drink). Instead, as parent’s they have to parent her (not enable her) and teach her how to live within her means. When you were children I’m sure they didn’t let you not eat your veges or not brush your teeth or stay up until midnight just because you cried etc. Perhaps framing it this way will remind them of a parent’s need to make good choices for their children (and to help them to learn to make them themselves) when their children aren’t.

Would they have expected you to all learn to go to bed at 7pm without them telling you and then enforcing it? No. So how do they expect DSis to live within her means when they don’t back it up?

I voted YABU, and see I'm in the minority! I just don't think its healthy to focus on 'getting your share', not saying your brothers behavior is excusable, just that its not good for mental health to be worrying about this kind of thing if you are assumedly comfortable and secure.

I'm in a similar situation as you, my parents helped me get on the property ladder with quite a substantial deposit, but other than that I'm self sufficient and just getting on with life. My sibling on the other hand has substance abuse issues and is being constantly supported by my parents. While I do often suggest that giving them money to piss up the wall isn't ideal, its still not any of my business how they chose to spend their money. They also equate gifts with love, and they don't know what else they can do. Personally I'd actually rather my parents spent all their money now and left us with nothing to inherit, because I think my sibling may well end up dead if they come into a large sum of money, although I appreciate that probably not the case with your brother.

The think that really made me :O about the post is that your brother Ex knows he is a violent drunk but is forcing him to have 50/50 custody!

I think sending this thread to your parents isn't a bad idea OP, it might floor them but it will show them different opinions. They're responding to this situation in the only way they know how.

They think by throwing money at the situation will fix the problem. They are avoiding the real situation & that is your sister has a mental health & addiction problem. The best thing they can do is to take her to the GP & show them the footage of her extreme behaviour. It sounds like she's having some kind of substance induced breakdown.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar That’s so interesting because, actually, growing up we were pretty much allowed to do what we wanted.
The only hard and fast rules I can really remember were writing thank you letters and not running with a lolly in your mouth.
Brushing teeth, washing hair, bedtimes, homework - were kind of left to us and if insisted upon then it was very easy to get our own way by - as you said - crying or kicking up enough of a fuss.
My grandmother (who I adored) was very, very strict with my Mum growing up, and I think it turned my mum rather hippy-ish and laissez-faire when it came to her own parenting. We were showered with love but also allowed to draw on walls, buy every pet under the sun, you name it. It was chaotic but fun.

I and my other sibling are proof that a child not forced to brush their teeth or do homework will willingly take it upon themselves to do these things (I did very well at school, for eg) but I suppose you also run the risk of creating the opposite - the child who thinks the rules don’t apply to them....

It looks like I've made some assumptions on gender there, but still think its strange that a partner with evidence of being assulted and who left a physically abusive relationship wants their kids to have 50/50.

@LivingDeadGirlUK It’s my suspicion that he’s waiting for her to either run out of money or screw up her life completely (although he doesn’t know about this house yet) and then he will swoop in for full custody.
There is a very sad backstory that I won’t go into but I can understand why he doesn’t want his children to grow up without their mother. And I know it’s easy for me to say but she wouldn’t harm the children, but she just wouldn’t - and he agrees. I’ve spent far more time worrying that she’ll hurt herself.

Ive had something of this with both my siblings.!
It is very hurtful, whether 1K or 100K
I would definitely tell parents that they should buy the house, & let her live in it. She will end up selling it & blowing the money. Then be back for more. The house should ultimately be left split btwn the 3 siblings in probate.
They will have provided a home for her & her DC, "& made her happy"
This has to stop, what will they do next time? Mortgage their home ? (maybe already have?)
What happens if they need a live in carer in later years? They can not keep handing out good money after bad

We have an incredibly similar situation in DP’s family, although with slightly smaller sums of money - tens rather than hundreds of thousands. One sibling has essentially spent 45 years doing exactly what they like and expecting other people to sort everything out, while constantly levelling accusations at parents and siblings that they’ve never lifted a finger to help. They claim to be the least loved sibling and that the others have had far more financial help when they are the only one who has actually needed help beyond uni age, and they have probably had ten times the amount spent on them than the others. Any money they’re given disappears on luxuries or daft ideas - including expensive rental properties, like the OP’s sister - and then they’re back asking for their rent to be paid, or for money for groceries. The difference is that the parents are very aware of the potential unfairness and have done everything they can to get the sibling into a position where they can support themselves, but the bottom line is that they can’t watch their grandchildren being made homeless, so sibling has them over a barrel. The other siblings are financially comfortable and have made it clear that they will not hold the situation against their parents, that they would rather any inheritance was placed in trust to keep a roof over their sibling’s head - although they’ve asked for it to be done without a lump sum being handed over - and they have also helped sibling financially on multiple occasions. No one is happy with it, but we’ve all made a peace of sorts with it. We know that in this situation, more money doesn’t equal more love, but it’s been managed as sensitively as possible by the parents. The wider family are also finally aware of the situation after a bust-up when sibling did a woe is me post on Facebook, accusing her immediate family of leaving her to struggle, about 2 days after DP and I had bailed her out to the tune of several thousand pounds, lost due to her not bothering to fill a form in.

Bipolar and personality disorder have both been suspected by various people involved with the sibling, but no diagnosis.

[quote BitterNTwisted]@LivingDeadGirlUK It’s my suspicion that he’s waiting for her to either run out of money or screw up her life completely (although he doesn’t know about this house yet) and then he will swoop in for full custody.
There is a very sad backstory that I won’t go into but I can understand why he doesn’t want his children to grow up without their mother. And I know it’s easy for me to say but she wouldn’t harm the children, but she just wouldn’t - and he agrees. I’ve spent far more time worrying that she’ll hurt herself.[/quote]
Yes of course, I'm jumping to conclusions . I know its difficult, my parents have spent tens of thousands on things like my siblings bills, retrieving the kids toys they have pawned, paying rent arrears. Its all such a waste. I know they think so too, and will sometimes send us some money for 'treats' etc because it is their way of showing affection.

Sad thing is our parents won't be here forever and your sibling is going to be in a really bad position then with no life skills, job history, and an alcohol problem.

@kungfupannda Such similar situations! Including the daft ideas - websites commissioned for businesses that never took off, ‘resources’ for projects that no-one was interested in. At one point she was going to purchase horses but luckily that seems to have been a passing fancy.

I will make peace with it, as your family has had to. Every time I think it’s over there’s always more though.
Youngest sibling and I are not supposed to know about this btw, but mum clearly felt too guilty and blurted it out to youngest.
Sister actually told mum to tell us if we asked that she paid for the house by herself. Ha.

Our relative did buy horses...

[quote BitterNTwisted]**@FollowYourOwnNorthStar* That’s so interesting because, actually, growing up we were* pretty much allowed to do what we wanted.
The only hard and fast rules I can really remember were writing thank you letters and not running with a lolly in your mouth.
Brushing teeth, washing hair, bedtimes, homework - were kind of left to us and if insisted upon then it was very easy to get our own way by - as you said - crying or kicking up enough of a fuss.
My grandmother (who I adored) was very, very strict with my Mum growing up, and I think it turned my mum rather hippy-ish and laissez-faire when it came to her own parenting. We were showered with love but also allowed to draw on walls, buy every pet under the sun, you name it. It was chaotic but fun.

I and my other sibling are proof that a child not forced to brush their teeth or do homework will willingly take it upon themselves to do these things (I did very well at school, for eg) but I suppose you also run the risk of creating the opposite - the child who thinks the rules don’t apply to them....[/quote]
This explains a lot, and makes me change my last post. I was trying to draw an easy example for them, but actually, they have always not set standards and boundaries or taught expected behaviour, so I can see that they won’t start now.

I would go to the other approach of this handout is enabling her bad behaviour. If she was a heroin addict, would they buy her heroin if she asked? Of course not. If she was an alcoholic, would they buy her alcohol? If she was a diabetic would they buy her sugar, if they could see it was bad for her? Then why are they giving her money, when what she needs is to be taught (parented!) how to live on the money she has or earn more.

Perhaps ask what do they see happening? Do they think she will suddenly learn the lesson - like they expected you all to learn to go to bed or stop drawing on walls? They have decades of proof that this way of parenting wasn’t effective with your sister. It’s not going to suddenly start working. So what is their Plan?

Perhaps gently asking them these questions and making them say the uncomfortable answers out loud will make them realise they are trying to throw money at a problem/person for whom money is not the answer. Whereas if you just let it lie, they got to stop thinking at “oh we have done a nice thing and our DD is delighted with us. We have made her happy, which is rare, but we have now done it and so all is right with the world.”

Your sibling actually conforms to the exact description of the entitled sibling in the book "Surrounded by Psychopaths" by Thomas Erikson. There was one resistant sibling there too who wasn't taken in by the manipulation and lies of the entitled sibling. The parents ended up losing all their money in the end, as did the other two siblings, as the entitled brother spent it all. It took years.

The resistant sibling ended up cutting off the rest of the family and was seen as being unfair, but was the only one who didn't end up with nothing.

Your parent are bloody stupid in enabling this and have probably helped create the monster by spoiling your sister throughout her childhood. She doesn't really have to work or be careful with his spending, because her present approach is working really well for her.

Therapy won't work if its a personality disorder - unlike bipolar or psychotic episodes, it can't be treated. What is likely to happen is that when the money supply from your family dries up, the sibling will move on to other sources and bleed them dry too. All you can do is protect yourself when the inevitable pleas for money come in, possibly including from a sibling or parent who has been left with nothing.

What would help is, as suggested above, buying a house in trust for the sibling (if the parents must give more money).

To be honest, its surprising that the grandparents didn't set up a family trust for all of you, to prevent this sort of thing happening and because its much more tax efficient.

it's a tough one, but tbh i think I'd just wait until the dust has settled a bit and explain to your parents how it feels like a kick in the teeth. Or you could be a bit mean and when they need you to step up for them, point them at the sibling (before then stepping up for them)

For those wondering what will happen when the OP’s parents pass away and/or run out of money, I was reminded of another thread from mid-2020:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3957264-WIBU-to-say-no-to-bailing-BIL-out

@LifeAdvice

I'd be asking them what is their plan for the idiot sibling once they have died? As neither you nor your other sibling will help them. Idiot sibling will lose all their money and end up homeless, thanks to their pandering.

It's a harsh lesson they have to learn, but best they learn it now. They've cocked up in their parenting of one child, they need to fix that mess before it's too late.

Yanbu to be hurt by your siblings behaviour. Yabu if you think it's any of your business what your parents do with their money.