That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

Can you approach conversations with your parents from the perspective of how damaging this is for your sibling? By never letting sibling 'fail' and by bailing them out they are inadvertently teaching sibling not to take responsibility/make changes. When your parents are no longer here and your sibling will still be an aggressive alcoholic and it will have become even more entrenched and harder to change. Since they will (at that point) have no one to rescue them they will be in very dire straits....

I’m taking on board what you’re saying about the violence. I know it is wrong. Sibling is a sister - she’s tiny and the head-butting was a failed attempt BUT I hear what you’re saying.
The husband was absolutely right to leave when he did (he is still very much there for the children). I’m also angry that she threw away her marriage to a good man. I think I’m just angry through and through!!!

To the poster above who mentioned her never ‘failing’ - that’s exactly it. She hasn’t had to sacrifice anything to get this house. She hasn’t saved or worked for a penny of it, it’s all been gifted/inherited.
She literally asks the universe and it provides!

runs into garden and asks the universe for a non-pandemic-priced dachshund

‘sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.

• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes’.

This made me laugh. Sorry.

I think that I'd be asking your parents to put 2/3rds of the money that your sibling has asked for into a trust fund for your siblings kids as they will never inherit anything from their mother due to her destructive spending habits.

You should suggest to your parents that they buy the property and maintain ownership themselves so that your sibling can’t later sell the property and waste the money. If your mum wants peace of mind this is what they should do - if they are going to give this money anyway

Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.

That's not 'blackmail', that's evidence.

As far as the unequal treatment, unfortunately there's really not much you can do about it. Your parent's money, their decision. But the inequality in treatment really pisses me off. My siblings and I were very lucky in that our parents were scrupulously careful to treat us all equally, not always in the same way but each according to our needs.

But you can certainly inform them that after your DSis has pissed though her money then pissed through theirs, they can't look to you to fund their elder care needs and years. And that they'll need to have DSis move home to care for them.

AcrossthePond55 - you’re absolutely right. It is evidence, not blackmail. I didn’t mean to belittle the serious nature of this.
I think I’ve been conditioned to think of it this way because the whole family knows about the video and it’s essentially not being addressed at all, except as explanation as to how her ex has gotten all the demands he wanted in the divorce.

I'm not surprised!
With wealthy parents who easily hand out huge sums of money, many people wouldn't bother working. If her only talent is with social media presentation, then really why would she bother - oth she may get sponsors if her SM does really well.

But awful for you, OP - just keep thinking that you'll be rewarded in other ways 'by the universe'.

I am a parent, and I can understand this to a certain extent.

Your parents have 3 children, of whom one is mentally unstable and barely able to look after themselves. It is irrelevant to your parents whether or not any of their children are 'nice' people or not or whether they save money or not, they are their children.

Which of those children are they going to give the lion's share of support to?

exactly tempest - the only realistic comromise for the parents is to buy the property and let the sibling live there / rent it (no doubt at minimal rent).

Hi OP, a similar though less extreme thing happened in my family. Be very careful because when your parents are frail and need care in the future, I would bet your sibling won't be seen for dust - and who is going to help your parents then?

Oh gosh, OP - my parents each had a feckless sibling like this whom my grandparents seemed to pamper and want to support well into their 60s and 70s (long life expectancy in our family!).

It seems the more useless a person is, the more they manipulate parents to support/help them - usually the personality of the sibling is highly narcissistic and occasionally sociapathic. My dad's brother even contested his dad's final will as he'd been left out (having had his house already bought by his dad and being told all his life it was instead of an 'inheritance' - legal system allowed it and he got even more! Your parents need to make sure there is some small provision in their will so your sibling can't contest it on the basis of being 'cut out'. I wish this was a joke, but it's the legal system!)

You have my sympathies, OP - in the end it is your parents' choice, but do speak to them to see if there is any additional coercive control being placed upon them by your sibling - it is often a part of these kinds of relationships.

and OP! So tough to see.

I wonder, does she have a personality disorder? The recklessness, violence, spending, lack of planning all sounds similar to somebody I know with EUPD.

You are most definitely NBU but I can understand how this is a real slap in the face for you.

I think some of the pps have made some good suggestions about how to protect this money. Perhaps you should raise that with your parents?

The one who needs it most, Haffiana :(

I get it too, when I’m not bitter with sibling rivalry.

Both my parents have had times in their lives when I feel I’ve stepped up for them - I’ve supported my mum through serious illness, going to appointments with her and picking her up from hospital, and when my father had a terrible fall I spent the day scrubbing blood and urine off their kitchen floor so they wouldn’t have to return from hospital to a house in tatters. I don’t want a medal. And I suppose at the end of the day I know they ‘like’ me and youngest sibling more (dare I say maybe even love?) so I know I have the better lot in life.

Thanks for everyone’s perspective and messages. It’s hugely helpful.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest, but we live in an incredibly unfair, unreasonable world, with people who are emotionally infantile. That's the only way you can rationialise it, and move on. I'd be tempted to certainly lessen contact with your parents, having explained wjy.

I always thought the story of the Prodigal Son was outrageous.

Over the years I’ve realised that parents will always dance around the most needy child, whatever their age. However unjust it is, it’s a fact. We all declare we won’t do the same with our dcs, but we all will do - trying to even up outcomes, doing more childcare for one, bailing out another...

The only thing I would suggest, OP, is ensuring that your sibling doesn’t take all your parents’ money. My sibling proposed that my parents should divide their money 6 ways: five of them (sil, bil + dcs) and one of me. I was early 20s at the time...I think my dm would have agreed but my df told them not to be ridiculous!

I will definitely be going through everyone’s suggestions. You’re all lovely.

And yes to the poster who suggested a personality disorder. Sadly not sure we’ll ever get to the bottom of it.

Will your parents expect you and your other sibling to start helping her out financially?

Been there sadly myself
The only thing you can do is walk away. Cut contact or you’ll find yourself arguing and begging for the same treatment which you won’t get then it’ll eat you up and destroy you.

You shouldn’t even have to ask your parents should have given everyone the same if they haven’t offered them you know where you stand.
I have spoken to my relations who did this to me for years. Had to just go no contact or their toxicity and engineered situations and narcissistic tendencies would have destroyed me

One of my siblings has had all my dm’s savings and pension lump sum.
She also is still paying a bank loan on a property that I know, she doesn’t, they have already sold.
When dm dies we will have to repay this loan before anyone inherits anything.
All siblings are set to inherit equally.
The worst thing is my dm needs work doing on her home but has no money left to do it.
I’m past being annoyed now OP, getting cross changes nothing and just makes your own life stressful.

Remember your parents are enabling your sibling and one day they won’t be there to catch her.

My prediction, FourDecadea, is that she will end up finding a rich, probably older man to support her going forward. She is the life and soul of the party and very beautiful... though I think time and baggage is catching up on all of us.

I would say YANBU if your concern was that your parents were giving away money that they can't afford to, but it is your parent's money and they are free to do what they want with it, so YABU to resent that she is being given money that you aren't, or to be angry that it will affect any inheritance you hope to get from your parents.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people on here seem to feel they are entitled to inherit money when their parents die.

You say that there are three of you siblings. Just interested to know if you have discussed this with the other one. Do they feel the same as you?

You have been very fortunate to inherit a large sum of money. Your sibling sounds like they have mental health issues, you are very lucky that you don't. Enjoy your good fortune, nothing good will come of dwelling on this.

For what it is worth I think your parents would be better spending their money on some therapy for your sibling but that isn't my decision or yours.