That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

NB in case the universe is listening: I do not want a helicopter

My kids get various help at various times. The deal is it is between me and them so none of them know what the others get. It probably works out about even but to be honest I've never actually added it up.

@BitterNTwisted- very similar situation within my DH's family. Without wanting to give details, similar self destructive and abusive behaviour of one sibling, never been employed for similar reasons. I'm sure this sibling has NPD. PIL have thrown huge amounts of money at this sibling over the years (millions in total) and always defend the behaviour to the hilt, say how marvellous the sibling is, etc. It has really spoiled inter-family relationships.
We stay out of it as much as possible. It is definitely v difficult and hurtful so I sympathise greatly and want to reassure you that it is natural to feel like this. I feel a couple of posters seem to think this all boils down to money which, it really doesn't. They obviously haven't been in this position.
It seems as if you have a good relationship with your parents still so I think it is worth speaking to them calmly and explain that this has upset you and that you don't feel they are helping the sibling by doing this.

I feel for all of you. Have been in the same situation, but with a sibling with special needs, which made it acceptable to me.

Is it possible your sibling is bi-polar? Tends to run, genetically, with alcholism.

Sibling asked the universe

Well it did pay in the form of your parents

What a hard situation. You all got 6 figures. Wow.

Also, your parents might be GRATEFUL to have someone else vindicate their silent views that this has to stop.

I spoke to my mother about something similar and her favouritism, as me and my other sibling were criticised for not doing things that the favourite never was. Her response was that I was jealous. Some parents are very disappointing.

debwong- yes the money has already been transferred.

These messages are calming, oddly enough, as well as helpful. I’m glad it is (mostly) as black and white to you as it is to me. Obviously this is my side of the story and I’m sure my sister’s would sound very different.

I will take note of all suggestions and approach my parents when the dust has settled.
My mother was very, very nervous about telling me. I think in the moment the act of saying ‘yes’ to my sister and seeing her excitement at getting this house felt great... and now they’re realising how unfair and potentially damaging it could be.

@BitterNTwisted ultimately I think you’re being unreasonable because you seem to have a happy life, you’re ‘sorted’ and successful in your way. Your sibling is not happy, or sorted, and probably never will be despite the amount of money thrown at him/her. You need to move on - it’s not your business.

Your parents have more money than sense to indulge this.

My parents have paid my 48yo brother’s rent for years, as he can’t or won’t work - depending on your level of cynicism about his MH issues. This means my dad is still working at 78 to afford this. There’s an argument that his MH issues aren’t his fault and they love him and don’t have much choice - but I won’t buy that when a 78yo is working for a single working age man to live in a 2 bedroom flat 🙄

Sorry - bit of a hijack there! I just wanted to say, it’s OK to be angry at parents for stupid decisions. A 6 figure sum to buy into a property for her, for stability, owning a share - maybe. Just giving £100K+? Utter stupidity.

My sibling is the same, albeit with much smaller sums. It's so galling to watch her being given everything because she doesn't want to work more hours than 20 a week (has no children, although nor do I), refuses to move out of the family home at nearly 30 because she (and, ultimately, my mum) say she 'can't afford' it, yet she spends thousands on clothes and holidays.

You have to just learn to be okay with it: if you raise it with your parents you'll just be painted as either after the inheritance or jealous, unfortunately. Be glad you're able to stand on your own two feet.

I think in the moment the act of saying ‘yes’ to my sister and seeing her excitement at getting this house felt great... and now they’re realising how unfair and potentially damaging it could be

That's why I said it could be worth approaching it from the angle of what happens when she keeps coming back for more - after all I don't imagine DS would appreciate the tap being turned off and her "needs" would probably just get more inventive

You didn't say if your DPs would be likely to then ask you to help them, but if so that could get very difficult

@Ifeelmuchlessfat In a nutshell - yup. My dh is very much of the same view. He has seen some outrageously spoiled behaviour by my sister over the years and seen my parents enable it, so it came as no surprise to him. Ridiculous that I didn’t see this coming, really.
But I know my parents love us and we have been astronomically lucky in terms of the inheritance, though I’d give it all back in a second to have my grandparents back.

I would talk to your parents. First thing I would say is whilst you think it's wrong to buy the property for sibling to begin with as they chose to spend theirs recklessly....if they really feel the need to purchase this property it should be in the name of your parents. Firstly this stops sibling selling the property to spend the cash and asking for it again. But also means it can be split in years to come between all siblings. I would then say they would be able to add conditions to sibling living in property like getting a job and paying rent so to speak. Once the amount paid for the purchase of the property has been paid in rent they could then transfer the property over to sibling who would have paid for it. Kind of like a mortgage without interest. Only no option for sibling to sell it until the full amount is paid off. Odds are if they buy sibling this property in 6 months time when they are skint and want to blow some money they sell it to start all this again and then go asking for more. As for siblings ex maybe the kids are better off with them if it's a more stable environment.

You've had a six figure sum. I don't know why your complaining about what somebody else is getting

Because the sister also got a six-figure sum, pissed it away and now is taking money off their parents, that might come from remortgaging their house or anything, and is treating one sibling very differently to the others.

@tempester28

You should suggest to your parents that they buy the property and maintain ownership themselves so that your sibling can’t later sell the property and waste the money. If your mum wants peace of mind this is what they should do - if they are going to give this money anyway

Agree with this route.

I’ve never brought up the spending on my brother with my parents because he is (a) the golden child - well was, not so sure now! and (b) I’m very low contact for a host of other reasons.

If I did, it would be never be from the perspective of fairness, and why am I not getting the same. It would completely be from the angle of - what happens when the money runs out? My issue isn’t that he gets “more” it’s that he is bleeding them dry, dad working nearly into his 80s, to fund a bigger flat than he needs. Sounds like your parents can afford to throw their money away though, if they’d got a 6 figure sum lying around 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would still be very angry with them.

Your parents are enabling your sister to continue along the same destructive path and what proof have they that she is going to keep any property she purchases? If she is as reckless as she sounds she may well sell it and continue with her current lifestyle. You say she still has some inheritance left - they would be better to sit her down and tell her she has to rely on that, and nothing more, and encourage her to look at other, more affordable, options. Otherwise, once she needs the "universe to provide" again what do you think will happen?

Unfortunately, other than point this out to your parents I don't think there is anything you can do - but I would be very unhappy if my parents did this. I suspect that when the time comes for your parents to be helped in future years your sister will not be the one putting her hand up!

You didn't say if your DPs would be likely to then ask you to help them, but if so that could get very difficult.

No, it won’t come to that, financially at least. I’ve always told my mother that she can come and live with us (presuming my father goes first) and my youngest sibling is the apple of her eye, both would do anything for each other.
Typing this out makes me realise how lucky we are and actually very sad for my middle sister who so clearly doesn’t feel a part of it all.

To the poster who asked if she’d ever had therapy or could be diagnosed as bi-polar... my mother gave her money for this years ago and - you guessed it - she spent it elsewhere.

@tempester28 I agree on the property and said similar - but it sounds like that horse already bolted and they stupidly just handed over the cash 🙄

I suppose at the end of the day I know they ‘like’ me and youngest sibling more (dare I say maybe even love?) so I know I have the better lot in life

This is probably the crux of your parents' behaviour. They feel guilty for finding your DSis more difficult/less lovable and are trying to compensate.

I feel for you, OP. The same happens in my family (for different reasons) and it is hard not to find it hurtful. I have had to make a conscious decision not to be upset by it, or to resent DM or the favoured sibling - for my own benefit, so that I don't get lost in the resentment.

I think you should talk to your parents but don't focus on the equity between siblings. Instead, focus on how they are enabling your DSis' self-destructive behaviour and potentially harming her.

You've received a large inheritance, and now you're grabbing at your parents money?
Also have (had) grabby sibling - NC with him, was low contact with parents. I am successful with a mortgage free home, he is still in a shitty council house and few of his children have any contact with him. So the constant handouts did him lots of good.
Your parents' money is theirs to use as they wish.

@Cocomarine
@tempester28 I agree on the property and said similar - but it sounds like that horse already bolted and they stupidly just handed over the cash 🙄

I may suggest this gently anyway. The money has been transferred but I don’t think the house purchased yet.

I do see why you are concerned. Nevertheless, your parents are adults and need to be free to decide for themselves unless they are vulnerable and open to be defrauded by your sister. This doesn't seem to be the case. Say your piece if you must then bow out. It's out of your hands.

I think you should talk to your parents but don't focus on the equity between siblings. Instead, focus on how they are enabling your DSis' self-destructive behaviour and potentially harming her.

Good advice, thank you. And to all posters who said similar