That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

IrmaFayLear thank goodness for your dad!!!
It’s incredible how some people can make things seem so reasonable and fair when it’s the complete opposite.

You’re probably right op but would you really want to be her?

My in laws gave my sil £400k to buy a house & bought her a car. We once borrowed £300 when we were on the bones of our arse & had to pay it back the next month.

Pil explain it by saying they worry more about her as she has had a chaotic lifestyle in the past where as we are married & settled with kids and have been for a while.

But it meant sil was able to buy a massive house that's too big for her, and we live in the first house we bought together which we are starting to outgrow (and looking to move from). We wont get £400k off them but when the time comes and pil passes away their assets will still be split 50/50

I understand why you are upset.

Have a look at the Dvae Ramsey videos on YouTube, the ones when a fmaklh meme bear is asking to borrow money. He talks about ways to say no, and how it’s like ‘giving a drunk a drink’. I know you aren’t the one lending the money, but I don’t think your sister is going to stop anytime soon. And this might be a way to raise the conversation with your parents and to protect them from giving out more money (can they afford to do this?)

There is no way to make it fair (as you’ve said your parents can’t/won’t give you and your sibling the same amount, nor that you need it), but I know it’s not about that. You need to find a way to live with it - I think people are right about going lower contact with your sibling, so it’s not rubbed in your face all the time, but I also think you need to find a way to Tell your parents how you feel, otherwise it will fester inside you. It doesn’t have to be a big emotional thing, but perhaps saying “I know you gave/lent money to DSis as she equates love and money, but have you thought about how I and other sibling feel - we feel less loved or like our achievements matter less, as DSis buys them with your money, whilst we work for them?” Say you don’t want money, you just want them to 5ink about how giving money to your DSis makes others feel, not just DSis.

And/or you could point out that giving money to DSis is like giving a drunk a drink. She has had two 6-figure gifts within 4 years. You all know (although they may not want to admit it yet) that there will be another request in 2-3 years time. She is getting used to spending money (and not earning it) and will need more. It might come as a request to pay school fees, or invest in her new business that will definitely make millions etc. What do they plan to say then? If they say yes, are they planning on bankrolling DSis forever? What about their costs of living?

These questions don’t need an answer (now), but you will hopefully have started them thinking and being prepared to head it off next time. As when the next request comes (and let’s face it, it’s coming - you said she only had 1/4 of the inheritance left) If your parents give money again, you will feel even worse.

It's not helping your sibling who needs advice and not endless bailouts.

but it is up to your parents what they do with their cash.

It's not up to your parents to be unfair and unkind.

Or dish out all the family money on one person. Hell, parents got theirs.

OP, the one blessing of this sorry tale is that stoner sis won't die of drink now she's turned to the erb. But your parents are addict enablers, and those people aren't adults or nice to other people - even their own children.

Breathe in, accept, and life will get a whole lot better.

DSis isn't the only one with something wrong with her. I'm so sorry for you.

I think that once the dust is settled you and perhaps your other sibling could have a conversation with your parents about how this makes you feel. You can explain that it isn't the money but the idea that your sibling is the favoured child and that all you have done to set up a stable life for your families is dismissed by the help given to your sister. You could also ask your parents to consider a "hotchpot" clause in their wills. This works by all sums given during their lifetimes are added to the value of their estates and that larger figure is divided equally between you. Life time gifts are then treated as payments on account of this equal share so children who received less during the parents lifetime receive more of the estate. Obviously if all of your parents funds are used on end of life care it won't work but at least it would show you and your sensible sibling that you are equally valued by your parents.

I have this dynamic in my world and was told “the squeaky wheel gets the most attention”. I utterly resent the endless squeak of their wheel frankly.

You shouldn’t even have to ask your parents should have given everyone the same if they haven’t offered them you know where you stand.

Why should they though? I understand parents spending roughly the same on Christmas presents etc. when their offspring are children, but once they are independent adults there is no obligation to give or spend money on them at all.

Gosh is your sibling also my sibling?!
Myself and my sibling inherited a large sum. While I used mine to reduce the mortgage they blew theirs on holidays with their friends (paid for by sibling), new shoes, handbags, city breaks. I mean the list goes on.
The difference in my situation was that when the money ran out and my parents gave into the demands for yet more cash, they gave it to both of us equally. This was despite me objecting and pointing out the facts. I still got another large sum of money, which should have been for my parents retirement, but they couldn’t bare to say no to SS (spoilt sibling) and also couldn’t bare to treat us differently...
... unfortunately sibling blew the whole lot on a flashy new car so it’s only a matter time before they go back again begging for more. As will yours.

*family member - massive typo in my first line above!

I don’t want to upset them without them being able to make it better, if that makes sense? (parents wouldn’t sleep if they knew how unhappy myself and other sibling are about this)

Would it help to approach it as you being worried that she'll clean them out - something which sounds entirely possible if she uses "the childrens' needs" as an excuse?

For that matter what happens if she does, and your DPs are left in a difficult position? Would they expect you to use your own inheritance to bail them out? Because I know what my own answer to that would be

As a parent I'd want to help my child through difficult times but what your parents are doing has the opposite affect.
They are enabling your siblings narcissistic, toxic behaviour by funding her destructive lifestyle.

I'd tackle it from a different angle and encourage your parents to safeguard their money. They should buy the house in their name & not your siblings name so she can't sell or remortgage the house to buy drugs. Tell your parents that as they will be funding her for sometime, they need to ensure that their cash is protected. They can still look after her but on their terms, this way the house can't be sold or repossessed etc. Remind them that there isn't an endless pot of cash so if the house is in their name, your sibling will always have a home.

It would be a far better use of resources to pay for rehab but it won't work if she doesn't admit to a problem.

Can your parents afford to give these lump sums?

I certainly wouldn't be looking after them in their old age in your situation if they're giving one sibling hundreds of thousands and nothing to the other two of you!

I think this is surprisingly common in families. My sibling and I are also treated very differently; parents paid her credit card off a few years ago and have been paying her a monthly standing order (hundreds of pounds) for the past 18 months. She is in her 30s with a professional job, a small, affordable mortgage and a lump of cash in the bank, yet they seem to perceive that she can't manage and continue giving her handouts. She continues to take them, whilst speaking very proudly about how independent she is and how much she's achieved on her own I think often parents just want their kids to be ok, and try to help however they can. Even if sometimes their approach isn't actually helping in the long run.

Your sister sounds like a very difficult person and no one would blame you for cutting contact, but it is your parents who have treated you badly, not her.

They chose to give money to one child over the other two without discussion. This has obviously upset you (I don't blame you, I'd be really hurt too).

My advice would be to raise it with them. Ask why they have favoured your sister and tell them how it has made you feel. Yes you might upset them but they have acted in a hurtful way without considering your feelings...

Left to fester this could cause even more hard feelings in the future.

Alternatively, let it go. Not for your sister's sake but for your own.

Unfortunately, as evidenced above, its really common in families...

It might be worth positioning it with your parents in terms of sibling being an addict and possible underlying MH issues and so for sibling to be happy, they need support and help for that. Show them tough love is needed sometimes for the greater good /to break the cycle and really help the person. They are currently feeding the addiction and behaviour to the detriment of their DGC and you and your sibling.

Maybe prompt them to seek advice from a charity in terms of how best to deal with sibling?

This might be too harsh, but maybe point out they won't be able to support forever, and whos going to pick up the pieces then? You, your other sibling?

You've had a six figure sum. I don't know why your complaining about what somebody else is getting.

I think you do need to talk to your parents about how unfair it is and how it's not doing your sibling any favours in the long run. Who will they come to when your parents have passed?

Maybe now is not the right time, while you're still hurting so badly from it, but maybe you and your other sibling can approach them when the dust has settled a bit.

My family is the same with the baby, the marriage was in trouble and they declared they'd pay half the house in cash for him so he could have his own place as a single man if he needed. I've been saving as a lone parent and renting, just can't afford the mortgage alone and had nothing offered. They are now saving the money for him as a just in case. I just don't really make an effort anymore tbh, it's not that I'm expecting the help but I also don't think it should be offered to one sibling alone.
I think in families although everyone always says there isn't favourites, some families really really do have them, just don't like to acknowledge that

You need to let this go, I think. The only way I can have peace with this situation is to say "I don't want a penny of my parents' money, I just want them to have the life/care they need.

By doing that, it doesn't matter what happens to any (meagre) assets they have. They are more important than their assets.

I can see where you’re coming from OP and I’d be very unhappy too.

I know this lot of money has already gone and you feel uncomfortable about raising it with your parents, but I think you need to have an honest conversation with them. I would be asking if they have enough to fund their retirement having given money away, and what will happen when your sister squanders this lot of money and asks for more? Will they give it to her? Probably. What do they expect her to do with the money? Are they happy to see the money they’ve worked hard for/the family money so ridiculously squandered (e.g. renting place after place at the same time and beyond her means). Do they really think this is fair on them? Or on you and your other sibling?

I would say how resentful this is making you of your sister. I generally find children angling for an inheritance distasteful, but given the circumstances I would want to know if the inheritances will be evened out in the will. I would offer to support them in standing up to her if they feel unable.

Your sister is very lucky to have two weeks custody a month given that she is a violent domestic abuser. I wonder if a father would get so much if the genders were reversed. I also think that someone who will hit an adult would hit a child if their buttons are pushed (for want of a better phrase). What will happen when the kids are teenagers and push boundaries?

Frankly I would struggle to be around her.

I think the idea of your parents buying the house in their name instead is a really good one, but it sounds like maybe they have already handed over the cash?

You've had a six figure sum. I don't know why your complaining about what somebody else is getting.

This is what I was worried it would look like if I went to my parents, which is why I’m asking here. But it’s not just about “somebody else” though, is it? It’s my sister who is living a lifestyle beyond her means without working for it.

If I decided tomorrow that I really wanted a helicopter and had one bought for me by our parents, would my sibling not have reason to complain?