That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

You can suggest it, but I can’t imagine that someone who has head butted their husband is going to meekly say, “yes mum - that’s a great idea that I make the purchase jointly in your name too.”

When she comes to buy the property, she’s going to asked to account for the money. Your parents will need to sign a declaration that the money is entirely a gift and they have no interest in the property. I suggest they steel themselves and refuse to do that. Although, she’ll probably just say, “fuck you then”, not buy - and refuse to hand it back.

I actually think the best approach here is to stay off the fairness of this £100K+ completely, and say to your parents - where does this end? Write off your thoughts on this £100K+. Now is the time to prevent the next car crash pay out 😕

OP this is so common. In my case one of my brothers has been in receipt of hundreds of thousands of pounds after fuck up after fuck up as well as being given a house. I know there is some money coming my way and my other DBs way when my mum dies but nowhere near the sums he's burnt through and we'll have to pay inheritance tax on whatever we get as well, which other brother has avoided. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have a good life I've earnt myself and my mum has no control over me because I'm not dependent on her. It is bloody frustrating though.

My sister and her husband have been living out of my mum's bank account for years. Everybody knows it. They would deny it of course. They post loads of bullshit success on social media but it's all lies.

I think the important thing is to remember that it's not your money, it's your parents', and they can do whatever they want with it. Your sibling is clearly a bit of a car crash with money and life choices. Keep your distance and try not to let it get to you. And thank your lucky stars that you're not like that. It must be miserable.

@Cocomarine
That’s what’s so galling. I know for a fact that when sis started making noises about loving this house my mum sat her down (well, on facetime as she’s abroad) and told her in no uncertain terms that THERE WAS NO MORE MONEY.
My mother relayed this conversation to me. Said she’d explained there was no more and my sister had to live within her means and that was that.

And now today I hear this...

To those who suggested they have money to throw around - not to this extent they don’t. They are lucky that their house (purchased 50 odd yrs ago) has grown hugely in equity, so they have that to fall back on, plus pensions. But this money will have been savings. I can’t believe they agreed to it.

With regards to going no contact, I can’t risk losing my relationship with her children, nor my kids’ relationship with her (they adore her).

OP - I could have written almost every bit of this post. This is the situation in my family. My sibling has no concept of money, is bi-polar/has a PD and, despite having a profession which should guarantee a stable and high income, cannot hold down any job because of the conflict they get into with other people. They are also very good looking and constantly have a grand scheme which they then mess up leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. It is never their fault.
Me and my other sibling have to support my parents through all the trauma and stress that my sibling’s lifestyle choices/MH bring. They constantly subsidise my sibling with very large sums of money which they simply can’t afford which means I have to ‘treat’ them with holidays etc that they would otherwise miss out on. They are also at the sibling’s beck and call for assistance with every aspect of their life leaving little over for us.
What I hate most is my helplessness to change this as the sibling cannot see what they are doing.
Like you I know my parents like/love me more than my sibling who drained everything out of them (and often blames them for all the problems because of their childhood).
There is genuinely nothing you can do except be glad that your siblings life is not yours. On a practical level if your parents could buy the flat for your sibling that would address one issue but, in my situation that would lead my sibling to feel resentful as they would soon want to move etc etc.

@AmandaHoldensLips (great name!)
You’re absolutely right. And I do count my blessings. Just trying to process this latest bombshell of information that my family never fails to provide

Quite honestly I would cut out grabby sibling from my life and parents too. When they asked why I would tell them you are fed up.of being treated lower than sibling.

@Fififerry1
Like you I know my parents like/love me more than my sibling who drained everything out of them (and often blames them for all the problems because of their childhood).

All this with bells on. Maybe our siblings should hook up

Sibling sounds like an absolutely textbook abusive narcissist

Parents probably guilt tripped by them

YANBU to feel upset that the parents have done this as they aren't treating all children fairly, and in a way it's a reward for the siblings narcissistic manipulative behavior

They do have it to throw around though - they’ve just proved that 🤷🏻‍♀️
With the amount of equity gained after 50 years and pensions and having at least £100K in savings... that’s a huge amount of money.

They need to address that the harsh truth is that their parenting of her is poor. They know that throwing money at the problem is their only tactic - and keep doing it even though it doesn’t work. They need to own that and address it, or there is no way this will really be the last pay out.

If the cash your parents are giving to your sibling is from them rather than an inheritance then isn’t there a limit on the amount of cash parents can give their children tax free per year? I could be completely wrong but isn’t is something like £3k? How old are your parents are they likely to need care in the near future? Could this passing of money be considered deprivation of assets?

Same in my family, without the benefit of the inheritance. DM supports not just feckless DSis, but her useless crooked, possibly gambling addict DH. They have racehorses, shop only in premium supermarkets, other animals, blah, blah. They are not expected to live within their means, which I am, and expect to. Dsis kisses up to and flatters mother no end, which although civil and pleasant, I don't. And DM likes to feel needed

When I read your description of dsis I immediately thought of Bi-polar or similar.

I have said to DM that I don't care if she spends every last penny, and there is no inheritance for me or her only DGC, if she spent it on enjoying herself, beer and skittles or whatever, but it is unfair to treat us differently. The adjustment is meant to be going in the will at some point. Will never happen, but I've said my piece

Good question @GarlicSoup, and I don’t know the answer.

If they've given the money there's not much you can do. I'm sure they feel stressed about the situation, though I think it's very foolish of them. If she has the attitude that "asking the universe" will provide everything for her then they're just playing into her delusion. Plus she's never going to learn if they keep funding her.

I wouldn't be surprised to hear if later she has to sell the place to fund her lifestyle. Maybe ask your parents what they'll do if she does something like that and how much they're going to keep giving her?

I wouldn’t go no contact with your parents, that will only hurt you and your children.

It’s so hard isn’t OP. I’m in a similar situation, I recently said something to my Dad about it and I’m so glad I did (even though nothing has changed). My siblings have been getting at least 1-2 a month from my Dad for years. I’ve never had anything. When I went to Uni I literally lived off noodles and struggled to pay rent. My half sister goes 10 years later and eats steak every night, and flies first class on holidays.

You know what though. I decided to let it go. I’m so proud of myself for doing everything on my own- I know my parents are proud of me too. I have a wonderful house, amazing DH and DD and that’s all I need. Also, although their behaviour is pretty annoying I do love my siblings. I know the value of money and hard work, I’m not sure that they ever will.

I also know what not to do as a parent!

I would say though, talk to them- send a text or do it over zoom if that makes you more comfortable. I would actually position it as coming from a place of worry about their future- if your sister is that careless they need to protect their investment. Ask them to get legal advice about becoming tenants in common with her, or putting their part into a trust.

Even if we are grown up you never stop being your parents child, and those feelings don’t go away- so please know it’s completely valid to feel hurt by this.

I know for a fact that when sis started making noises about loving this house my mum sat her down (well, on facetime as she’s abroad) and told her in no uncertain terms that THERE WAS NO MORE MONEY

So what changed? Unless, as mentioned, DS really did find a better story?

Glad to hear your DPs are unlikely to come to you for any shortfall, though given the above change of mind I wouldn't rely on that, but let's just hope it's not got to the point of them remortgaging the house (especially if they need care one day)

Overall, though, it's thoroughly depressing to read how common this is ... how these people live with themselves beats the hell out of me

Thank you @Toddlerandtwinstobe.
And good luck with those twins-to-be!

Team up with your third sibling and both of you also ask for an additional 6 figures or that your tear away sibling is disinherited.

They need to address that the harsh truth is that their parenting of her is poor. They know that throwing money at the problem is their only tactic - and keep doing it even though it doesn’t work. They need to own that and address it, or there is no way this will really be the last pay out

Wise words right there

And yes, GarlicSoup, you're correct about lifetime gifts and and deprivation of assets

@Puzzledandpissedoff
I agree, it’s awful to see how commonplace this type of situation is. I’m taking great comfort and inspiration in the posters who’ve held their heads high and moved on, though. And those who were brave enough to say something, no matter the outcome.

@LouiseTrees It’ll never happen but I’m enjoying the fantasy of this Sunday lunch conversation

I think I that you are being unreasonable. I am in a similar situation with my sister and she has been helped out a lot by my mother. She doesn't have any children, thankfully. She has made poor decisions and not worked, including living abroad, buying a house in France and abandoning it. However, she also clearly has a number of issues and is on her own. I believe that her issues are the cause of her poor decision making. Our parents don't have to treat us equally. If the roles were reversed, they would no doubt be supporting me. The only issue that I have is whether their attempts to help her are misguided. Perhaps you could look at it in terms of outcomes. They are trying to create level outcomes. It would be different if she had no issues. They are also, most likely, protecting/providing a home for their grandchildren. My advice would be to be grateful for your uncomplicated life. Don't go down the route of interpreting this as favouritism. It's your parent's money and not yours and it probably makes them feel less helpless/worried to be able to help her and their grandchildren out.

I really wish I could send this thread to my parents but I think it would floor them. In their minds they’re doing A Good Thing.

OP, taking a step back, I think it’s really good your mother was nervous abit telling you. It shows she already knows there as something a bit wrong about it (whether it wasn’t fair to you and your other sibling, or whether she has started to think through the practical implications of now not having that money as savings). Either way, DON’T rush to ‘make it ok’ and say it’s fine. I know you ‘don’t want her to have sleepless nights over it’, but she actually should. By making it ok for your Mum, you are enabling her the same way she is enabling your sister.

I’m not saying go in all the blazing, but I would use this as a starting point t I raise it later. ‘Why were you nervous to raise it Mum? Because you knew something was wrong with it..... And you still did it. Why do you feel you have to pay out whenever DSis asks? Don’t you think the money would be better in your savings, as look what DSis has done with money todate?’

@Hugoslavia I don’t begrudge what the children are getting out of this. I’d rather they had a proper home than being moved from rental to rental every few months. You may have just suggested the route to my accepting this (not that I have a choice): that it’s for the children, not her. Lord knows the kids haven’t done anything wrong.

Although.... she still could have bought a house within her means. There are plenty where she lives with pools, gardens etc (very remote area, lots for your $). She wanted this one because it’s absolutely dream-worthy.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar great advice. Thank you.