That my sibling keeps being given more money?

[BitterNTwisted]

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

Backstory:

• I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
• We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
• Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
• Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
• Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
• Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
• My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
• Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
• Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
• Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
• They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

@Fififerry1

OP - I could have written almost every bit of this post. This is the situation in my family. My sibling has no concept of money, is bi-polar/has a PD and, despite having a profession which should guarantee a stable and high income, cannot hold down any job because of the conflict they get into with other people. They are also very good looking and constantly have a grand scheme which they then mess up leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. It is never their fault. Me and my other sibling have to support my parents through all the trauma and stress that my sibling’s lifestyle choices/MH bring. They constantly subsidise my sibling with very large sums of money which they simply can’t afford which means I have to ‘treat’ them with holidays etc that they would otherwise miss out on. They are also at the sibling’s beck and call for assistance with every aspect of their life leaving little over for us. What I hate most is my helplessness to change this as the sibling cannot see what they are doing. Like you I know my parents like/love me more than my sibling who drained everything out of them (and often blames them for all the problems because of their childhood). There is genuinely nothing you can do except be glad that your siblings life is not yours. On a practical level if your parents could buy the flat for your sibling that would address one issue but, in my situation that would lead my sibling to feel resentful as they would soon want to move etc etc.

That is absolutely nuts! No way should you pay for luxuries e.g. holidays in these circs.

Horrible situation OP, my sympathies.

No way to know whether this is the case in an online forum of course, but a personality disorder can't be caused or prevented by parenting choices (within normal ranges - some evidence that abuse can cause PD but not relevant here). So please don't get sucked into blaming/judging your parents for failing to parent her properly. PDs are successful strategies for people who have them precisely because most socially responsive people accommodate them to some extent.

My cousin has borderline personality disorder diagnosed after a string of crises and lots of parental bailouts. He will never really understand what damage he's done. If your sis has something like this, there will never be any reasoning with her and the only possible thing will be to help your parents protect themselves from her. Which they can do while still loving her, incidentally.

@OneMoreForExtra This is very insightful, thank you.

@OneMoreForExtra

Horrible situation OP, my sympathies.

No way to know whether this is the case in an online forum of course, but a personality disorder can't be caused or prevented by parenting choices (within normal ranges - some evidence that abuse can cause PD but not relevant here). So please don't get sucked into blaming/judging your parents for failing to parent her properly. PDs are successful strategies for people who have them precisely because most socially responsive people accommodate them to some extent.

My cousin has borderline personality disorder diagnosed after a string of crises and lots of parental bailouts. He will never really understand what damage he's done. If your sis has something like this, there will never be any reasoning with her and the only possible thing will be to help your parents protect themselves from her. Which they can do while still loving her, incidentally.

That could be the case, but I think the alcohol abuse to be honest is more likely the problem here. Alcohol abuse can create everything that the sibling has done. The childhood they all had, with very little rules, very chaotic but fun as the op put it, can lead as she said to a person who thinks the rules don't apply to them as mum and dad never made them do anything. Alcohol fuels that belief. Now you've got a big problem on your hands, someone who has been taught they can do what they want with no consequences, and alcohol making them 10 times worse.

Fixing it though will require a lot of therapy.

@OneMoreForExtra it is an excellent point that the parenting is not to blame for a personality disorder (if that is what is happening here).

However, not learning by this ripe old age and with extensive experience that just throwing money at someone is poor parenting. Choosing to give over one hundred thousand pounds to an adult child like this as simply a cash transfer is - well, it’s lunacy. That money could have bought a flat in the parents’ name to give the adult child and their children some stability.

So no, they’re not to blame for the underlying pathology, but they are to blame for pissing away a fortune in a way that isn’t even going to help their child. That’s the real shame of it... I think OP wouldn’t care at all about a sibling getting more money than them, if it would actually benefit that sibling 😕

I mentioned EUPD (which is BPD) further down the thread. The reason I suggested it is that the person I know with it is now successfully medicated and has had therapy and is vastly improved.

I really think it's worth mentioning to your parents as there can be a successful outcome with treatment. It's a real shame the money has already transferred as they could have made seeing a psychiatrist part of the agreement.

Thank you @whitehat - I remember reading that post then lost sight of it. I will look up EUPD and see if there’s any way of broaching the subject.
This could have been handled so differently - as you suggested with therapy as part of the deal, or as someone mentioned up-thread - putting the money into a trust for the children.
The saga continues. I have felt sad all day but know this can’t continue, I have to move on whether I accept it or not.

I think it's also worth mentioning that these poor behaviours are because the person with BPD is suffering - they are coping mechanisms.

That said, it doesn't make their behaviour any less difficult to deal with. However, I do know that it's very difficult for parents and I wonder if your parents are coping by using money to keep her happy, because there's nothing worse than a person with BPD screaming at you in a rage because of a perceived slight about how you have failed them/are a useless parent/are a terrible person etc etc. It's utterly bewildering and very upsetting for parents who have always tried to do the right thing for their children.

YANBU.

Hopefully your parents will be able to make things equal for you at some later stage. Unfairness like this causes resentment :(