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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single Parent Joining The Army

432 replies

wannabesolider · 16/01/2021 23:52

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 17/01/2021 01:20

Single parents in the military are entitled to a house either on or very close to camp so that their DC can live with them.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:21

@NoOneOwnsTheRainbow

I feel like if you were a man considering joining the forces, you wouldn't be getting any of this shit. I mean, no one seems to be asking why the father can't step up. No one is thinking of all the tens of thousands of kids who go to boarding school. For all these posters know, you could meet someone at uni who wants nothing more than to be a stay at home parent for your daughter.

I used to work at a boarding school looking after the younger boarders (from 6 upwards). If she takes to it, she'll be fine. And (I can't put this nicely) if you've raised her to not be whiny, she'll probably take to it. Most of the children were okay after the first separation, but IMO it's not much worse than the separation of sending kids to a day school.

I did have one child who seemed fine when she arrived, then broke her arm in the first week, was off for half a term, and when she came back, she didn't take to boarding school at all, and she literally clung to the corridors crying her eyes out because she thought it would get her parents to come and pick her up. Unfortunately for her, they didn't want her home. It was very heartbreaking and difficult to deal with (I was her class teacher as well so I basically had her most of the time) because she was really not coping and we couldn't get that through to the parents. We ended up having to ask them to take her out of the school. I'm not sure what it was like when you were at school but nowadays, especially for primary boarders, it's a very nurturing environment.

I also went out with someone in the forces for a while (RAF), and it was largely a 9-5 job with occasional deployments. Postings were generally quite long so there was some stability. He had better hours than I did and much better weekend time off. If it's what you need in your life, go for it, because otherwise you'll spend your life feeling unfulfilled and that won't benefit your child at all.

Excellent idea,

Let's re-involve the father who is a stranger to the child while OP goes off to do whatever she likes, cause, girl power! What happens when the father decides he quite fancies working abroad, and the grandparents decide sack this we're off to live in France?

Or is it just OP who gets to do as she likes?

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:21

@thegcatsmother first thing I spotted was the recent change! Madness when the whole point of it is continuity of education Hmm

OP posts:
luminar · 17/01/2021 01:22

Seems like any single parent nurse would be pretty much selfish because they aren't there every bedtime and occasional deployment aside, it isn't much different.

Paints a very different picture to -

was no way possible with my DC. I was going away for 6 months at a time and was honestly heartbreaking I missed out on so much.

And

Besides you will do your basic 14 week soldier training, then go on to do your trade training, all the time you will not be at home, except for the odd weekend.

Do you actually know how long you will spend apart from your DD?

For the record I don't think single parent nurses are selfish at all, but the two sound like very different things if the post above is accurate.

Somethingkindaoooo · 17/01/2021 01:23

OP

Are you considering this for job stability, or because you genuinely want to join the forces?

I speak to a lot of people about their jobs, and many people with a Forces background tend to believe that the forces is the best for stability. I think ( not being goady) that forces families sometimes equate army housing with stability.

I'm not sure this is true, especially as you are training to be a nurse. Pretty good job stability there, and opportunities to move up, specialise etc.

How would deployment work practically, once your dd is in primary?
If you have to move away from your mum,does that mean your daughter needs to move away from friends in order to move in with her grandma?

I appreciate that moving around is the norm for you, but it seems like your dd could be yo yo'ing between your postings and your mum.

When you say you want stability for her, what kind? Financial? Friends and family?

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:24

@Nanny0gg I spent far less time with either of my parents than I would ensure that I spent with my daughter and any other future children. I wouldn't think twice about getting out if it was severely impacting my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:28

@NewMum2021x thank you for that, it's really helpful and good to know. I know about the training, basic and trade and that would be time away from her. There is lots to think about. People on here are acting as though I've gone sod DD and already enlisted, that isn't the case. It's something I'm considering and want to know if it's feasible that's all Smile

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:29

[quote wannabesolider]@Nanny0gg I spent far less time with either of my parents than I would ensure that I spent with my daughter and any other future children. I wouldn't think twice about getting out if it was severely impacting my daughter.[/quote]
But you have no idea how joining the forces will impact your daughter. None.

You have what other people tell you they think, and what happened to you, but it isn't about you or them.

BlameItOnTheWhisky · 17/01/2021 01:33

Surely as a ‘military brat’ yourself, you will have contact with people with experience of this, thigh family. friends etc, rather than ask on here. I suppose that wouldn’t be quite so controversial and wouldn’t get you half as much attention though...Hmm

Fallox · 17/01/2021 01:33

My brother is a military nurse and has had multiple changes of accomodation. He has obviously served abroad but had that situation of being sent up north when his family were down south, and multiple spells in places like Cyprus and Germany.

I think it might entail more disruption than you think

BlameItOnTheWhisky · 17/01/2021 01:34

through not thigh.

covilha · 17/01/2021 01:35

If something happens to you, what will happen to her?

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:35

@Somethingkindaoooo both, I wanted to join up at 17, however I wasn't fit enough and had some temporary health issues and it just never happened.

All those things you've asked are things I need think about, research more. One thing I'm worried about would be location and postings prior to boarding school, I do live in a huge military area - close base's include Tidworth, Odiham and Aldershot so if I could get local to here without a posting prior to boarding that would be huge. There is lots to think about it, look into and it is by no means a definite choice. Contrary to what people think I haven't just decided I'm enlisting, it is currently a consideration that I am wondering if it is feasible.

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:36

@covilha oh here we go, another that equates to all military personnel being shot at permanently.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:37

[quote wannabesolider]@covilha oh here we go, another that equates to all military personnel being shot at permanently.[/quote]
Great consideration for something happening to you there. Soldiers do die, not always through being shot at. Or have PTSD, or are injured, or aren't there when their child needs them.

For someone wanting advice, you are very aggressive to the many making valid points OP.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:37

@BlameItOnTheWhisky I didn't want attention, both of parents are supportive but I am yet to reach out to anyone from my background, given I've not spoken to then for 10+ years.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:38

@BlameItOnTheWhisky

Surely as a ‘military brat’ yourself, you will have contact with people with experience of this, thigh family. friends etc, rather than ask on here. I suppose that wouldn’t be quite so controversial and wouldn’t get you half as much attention though...Hmm
Quite.
Fallox · 17/01/2021 01:38

Its difficult to get much information out of any of the forces about what it looks like. Brother and lots of the people he served with were given lots of misleading info about what their service would look like (most of it was just overly optimistic, some was out right lies) so I wouldn't recommend using the recruitment side as a reliable source of info.

The same about military forums. The military obviously breeds a sense of family etc, and people are obviously very defensive about their choices.
If you ask in military forums you are unlikely to get people aknowledging if what they are doing isnt right for their child

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:38

@Wheresmykimchi something could happen to me no matter what I do? Shouldn't all parents have these considerations anyway?

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 17/01/2021 01:39

Do you believe you can provide a stable life for your dd, without the Army?

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:40

[quote wannabesolider]@Wheresmykimchi something could happen to me no matter what I do? Shouldn't all parents have these considerations anyway?[/quote]
There is a difference between could and making choices that make that more likely, OP.

I don't believe you have the brain power and intelligence to be a nurse yet are that obtuse.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:41

@Fallox I do have concerns it won't look like the information I already have.

From my personal experience, my mother never went away on deployment, ever, in her 19 years of service. My dad however, volunteered.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:41

[quote wannabesolider]@Wheresmykimchi something could happen to me no matter what I do? Shouldn't all parents have these considerations anyway?[/quote]
Interesting that you talk about parent considerations but you don't seem to be considering the welfare of your daughter a great deal at all. Your posts are all aimed around you.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:42

@Wheresmykimchi whatever you say. However, there is no need to assume my level of intelligence.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:43

[quote wannabesolider]@Wheresmykimchi whatever you say. However, there is no need to assume my level of intelligence.[/quote]
I'm assuming your level of intelligence is good, given that you are training to be a nurse.

That's why I can't understand why you are being so blinkered, obtuse and aggressively defensive in perfectly reasonable questions/opinions...that you asked for.