Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

You will be setting her an amazing example.

Of what exactly???

OP can keep saying "WELL I TURNED OUT FINE DIDN'T I?"

And to that I will answer: People who "turn out fine" don't generally consider leaving their child without a parent for long periods of time for no good reason.

I wouldn't say the op turned out fine at all if she can't see a problem with this.....

Well I'm not sure why you're asking as you seem to be decided.

I know a few people who went to boarding school/ forces children and it's a mixed bag. Certainly they are all very very independent. Some are emotionally damaged by it. Some not.

They were all older as well and parents together so had a home to go in hols etc.

Your DC is only 3. The dad is out of the picture. I think it's an awful idea.

But I don't think you're interested in what I suspect will be the majority view ie what on earth?

@Notsure2020 it is absolutely not the case that I can't be 'bothered' with her. Again, why are people under the impression that people in the army are moving every 5 minutes and away every week of the year.

I think maybe Mumsnet is not the best place to ask this question - there's a lot of anti boarding school sentiment here. For what it's worth, both OH and I went to boarding school for stability due to parents jobs and came out of it alright. I know a lot of forces kids go to boarding school for that reason, regardless of whether it's a single parent family or not. I definitely preferred it to moving from school to school over and over again and think I came out of it better than I would have if I'd spent my teens always being the new kid in school.

I think your main issue is more likely to be posting rather than deployment - a family member won't be able to move around the country or beyond with you - if you get posted to Germany for example.

@PlanDeRaccordement thank you this was my thought. I only mentioned childcare because options because that's what you have to think about.

OP you have posted this in the wrong place. Posting for traffic in AIBU was your mistake.

Most (not all) posters have no experience of military life and have sod all idea what they're on about.

I would look at military forums as they will give you a much clearer picture of what life would be like for your daughter and you.

And I do have experience of military life and parents in the armed forces. Its the last thing I'd want for my child but you crack on. I've no idea why you bothered posting this when you've already made up your mind.

@Notsure2020

I said she already had one parent who can't be bothered, her father. But you don't seem much better tbh when all you're interested in is how you can safely dump her off to someone else so you can chase your dreams.

Does this apply to any single mother who wants to pursue a career or just to those you disapprove of?

Perhaps all single mothers should forget their hopes and dreams and stick to part time working in shops so they can focus on nothing but their children.

Ok op how much of the year do you think you will be away from her? How many weeks a year do you think she'll be with your mom instead of you?
How old to go to boarding school? They get longer holidays but at a guess how many weeks a year do you think you will see her?

I don't doubt your mom will do a good job and will probably relish it having missed some of your childhood.

Was your Dad services too or was he always there for holidays from school?

@Remxhah126 I went to boarding school at 13 too, as I was sick of being the new kid in school and I loved boarding school so I don't see why it's such a sore subject on MN. Lots seemed to send their kids to private school? A lot of the kids at my boarding school didn't have parents with demanding jobs, quite often mums at home with younger children. It gives independence amongst other things - that can only be a good thing!

My DD would have been devastated at 6 if I had said I'd be going away for long periods of time. I wouldn't sign up until you get to know your child and see how it could affect her.

No it applies to single parents who want to leave their children for the majority of their lives to chase their dreams. We all have dreams but when you're the only parent in that child's life you might need to put it on hold until they are older and, oh I don't know, put your child first for now

I did 15 years in the regular army , more than half of these were as a single parent. It was tough ,the hours were long , and I often had to go on exercise and deployments at short notice.Myself and my children lived in quarters I wouldnt have dreamed of putting them into boarding school as I would have had no time with them at nights , leave ect , they enjoyed living in different countries and their resilience was amazing moving around meeting new friends and new schools every 3 years , I had an au pair or nanny during my working hours and it was important that they could meet my childrens need whilst I was working.My oldest 2 were 12 and 9 when I left the forces , my youngest were 3 and 1.I left because i went to give my 1 year old a hug one day and he didnt recognise me :( with my younger 2 I had the opportunity not to miss as much of them growing up,and I missed so much . If your daughters father is not on the scene sorry but ALL of her emotional needs fall on you op and I mean that nicely as someone who has lived this life you miss too much of your childrens lives and that is time you never get back x

Ok, can’t speak specifically for nursing, but...
A lot of military trades these days are deployed for 4-6 months every 3-5 years. You’d be ‘home’ for very long stretches, home being wherever you were posted to. Postings tend to be every 3-5 years, but that’s between jobs, not locations, so you could stay in the same place for most of your career if there were plenty of nursing jobs in the area. There’s also a few places where there are clusters of bases, such as Salisbury Plain, Lincolnshire etc. so you could stay in the same house and just commute a slightly different distance.

I don't think anyone is saying don't have a baby if you're in the military. Most military personnel who choose to have children I'd imagine are in two parent households, or were and then divorced after having kids so don't have a choice. Your situation is being a single mother and deciding to join up, so you get the benefit of looking at it beforehand and deciding if the benefits outweigh the risks. Only you could really know I suppose but it is worth listening to the reasons people are advocating against it while considering your reasons for doing it. Both are valid.

I think your main issue is more likely to be posting rather than deployment - a family member won't be able to move around the country or beyond with you - if you get posted to Germany for example.

But it’s a different culture in the Forces. Your unit at a posting becomes a surrogate family. You celebrate holidays together. Close friendships are developed. Several lone parents had deployment care plans where their child would simply move two houses down in the base housing area to live with Sgt so and so and her child who was a school friend of their child. It’s a lot more close knit than you realise. I spent a few months on Ascension Island when we were upgrading some satellite communication system. The entire island is owned by RAF and has a small airfield with some US military as well. But everyone who lives there is U.K. or US military...from the island clinic to the post office to the grocery shop. There are also contractors from St Helena as well on the island. And the community all supported each other as various personnel took turns going to hot spots in Africa.

Unless you’ve actually lived elbow to elbow in that environment, you can’t really comment on it.

@wewillmeetagain original 😬

Why not answer the question instead of rolling your emoji eyes? What is op setting an amazing example of?

Have a child then dump them on the grandparents to follow your own dreams?

A single mum gaining the qualifications to become a nurse and going on to work as a nurse is an amazing example and a fantastic achievement (I'm a single mum myself with a career, my DDs spent a lot of time after school with grandma- I'm not against that- but they had me every night to put them to bed). I'm just not convinced on the part where she leaves her six year old to join the army...

Why not do it when the child is older?

How long is the return of service for the bursary? Have you discussed this with the Army nursing recruitment bods what they can offer you as a single parent? Worth having the discussion with them and making sure of the facts before you apply. Prior planning prevents etc.

You won't get an altogether reasonable response on here having mentioned boarding school, (and the Forces). I'm a military brat, wife, sister, and aunt, so I can see your reasoning. The age of cheap boarding fees is long gone...the Forces will only pay up to a limit and you pay the rest. The rates currently are just under £6k per term for junior, and £8k per term for senior, both boarding. The only instances in which day fees are met are foreign postings such as SHAPE etc.

@SleepingStandingUp from reading Army boards, nurses aren't deployed as often - could be once every 3 years for 6 months with r&r in between and for the most part it will be a job at home in a hospital just as an NHS job. I didn't mean to sound me, me, me. I mentioned the childcare provisions as obviously they need to be there while your away - same as if you work in any job that sends you away (albeit, not as long as 6 months but could actually be more often). I estimate I'd see most of the year (aside from when at school), during holidays etc. I know it's not the same but technology makes it easier to stay in touch virtually too.

Oh she would love it!

Both of my parents were in the forces, my father was away more often. Even before boarding school we stayed with various family members during the holidays for weeks (rather rather paid for childcare) and we loved it!

If it came to light in the 4 years of service that you initially sign up for that it wasn't for us and impacted her I would leave.

I'm ex army. Not as a single parent though. It's doable and I knew some that did it. I don't think it's as bad as some here seem to think. American military personnel do it as a matter of course and no one judges,

You'd need cast iron child care arrangements though and my concern would be that you'd be focussing more on the practicalities around being a parent with such high external commitments to meet, rather than your daughter and actually enjoying her and being a parent to her and she'd know that I think. On the other hand you'd get amazing postings and she'd have great experiences living abroad. I lived many years as a child in Cyprus and Germany and have great memories of that. I do think people who haven't lived a forces life are often fearful of the idea of it and what they perceive as lack as stability when actually it's not like that because you have the backbone of the military and it's infrastructure backing you up. I think being a forces child and then a soldier myself has shaped me into a strong, resilient, flexible person who is not afraid to try new things and places. I miss the moving around and getting to know new people and places.

I think your main issue is more likely to be posting rather than deployment - a family member won't be able to move around the country or beyond with you

But it’s a different culture in the Forces. Your unit at a posting becomes a surrogate family. You celebrate holidays together. Close friendships are developed.

I think pp meant OPs Mom, who would be looking after ops daughter not that op would be lonely

@thegcatsmother 4 years as far as I can see. Of course I will be having conversations with recruitment prior to making any final decision.

I know the fee limit as it was already around when I went to school, I was given a strict budget when I was choosing my school

I feel like if you were a man considering joining the forces, you wouldn't be getting any of this shit. I mean, no one seems to be asking why the father can't step up. No one is thinking of all the tens of thousands of kids who go to boarding school. For all these posters know, you could meet someone at uni who wants nothing more than to be a stay at home parent for your daughter.

I used to work at a boarding school looking after the younger boarders (from 6 upwards). If she takes to it, she'll be fine. And (I can't put this nicely) if you've raised her to not be whiny, she'll probably take to it. Most of the children were okay after the first separation, but IMO it's not much worse than the separation of sending kids to a day school.

I did have one child who seemed fine when she arrived, then broke her arm in the first week, was off for half a term, and when she came back, she didn't take to boarding school at all, and she literally clung to the corridors crying her eyes out because she thought it would get her parents to come and pick her up. Unfortunately for her, they didn't want her home. It was very heartbreaking and difficult to deal with (I was her class teacher as well so I basically had her most of the time) because she was really not coping and we couldn't get that through to the parents. We ended up having to ask them to take her out of the school. I'm not sure what it was like when you were at school but nowadays, especially for primary boarders, it's a very nurturing environment.

I also went out with someone in the forces for a while (RAF), and it was largely a 9-5 job with occasional deployments. Postings were generally quite long so there was some stability. He had better hours than I did and much better weekend time off. If it's what you need in your life, go for it, because otherwise you'll spend your life feeling unfulfilled and that won't benefit your child at all.