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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single Parent Joining The Army

432 replies

wannabesolider · 16/01/2021 23:52

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:46

@HmmSureJan thank you for that, this is exactly it!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 00:47

Oh she would love it! No, op, you loved it. She's 3. You have no idea yet how she will be when she's 6 and you're leaving for months (because at 6, 6 months is FOREVER!) and then your sending her to boarding school and she's not even got your Mom there. And if you're deployed for 6 months every 3 years and the rest of the time you'd be working like a civilian job, why would you put her in boarding school?

I think like the pp who had lived this life has said, she should be coming with you.

She's got one parent who CBA and the one who loves her is happy to send her away for the same of a few months every few years.

opinionatedfreak · 17/01/2021 00:47

What frequency of deployment are they suggesting to you?

My friend is a military nurse (RN) she has moved 3 times in the 5 years I've known her to different NHS hospitals and gone abroad on short deployments from those hospitals.

I don't know if the army works differently.... anyway moving around like that would make using your family as childcare really hard unless they want to move too. I do know that the forces try to be family friendly so it may be that they will be able to restrict your mobility while in the UK to make family provided care work.

There are definitely single parents serving in the forces so you must be able to make it work.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:48

@themental why do people think that if you join the army you are leaving your children. Joining the armed forces doesn't mean your children will never see you or that you won't be there at bed time, bloody hell.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 00:51

I feel like if you were a man considering joining the forces, you wouldn't be getting any of this shit he would of he was the sole parent on the child's life

I mean, no one seems to be asking why the father can't step up. Op has made it clear he's not interested. It's a bit pointless telling op to make him so so she can leave a child with him when said child has no relationship with him.

For all these posters know, you could meet someone at uni who wants nothing more than to be a stay at home parent for your daughter. But op isn't taking about the possibility of meeting someone who could parent her child whilst she's away, it's a bit silly to say ooh maybe find yourself a nice boyfriend whom look after her. Plus mn potty over introducing step parents too soon. If op came on and said I've been with my bf for less than 3 years, I'm off to join the army, aibu to think he's fine to have her whilst I'm away, she'd be taken to shreds!!

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:51

@SleepingStandingUp 1. Deployment won't start when she is 6, it would be training.

  1. I don't see what your aversion to boarding school is, that isn't what I based my post on. I was asking if it was feasible.
  1. Do you actually have any idea of the forces lifestyle?
OP posts:
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:53

@SleepingStandingUp even if I did find a man, it would no way no how be an option to leave my daughter's in his care so soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:54

@opinionatedfreak I can only see on army forum boards so far, but from what I've seen it varies and could be as little as once every three years. I would however be speaking to recruitment asking these questions before I actually make any decision.

OP posts:
Musicalmistress · 17/01/2021 00:56

[quote wannabesolider]@themental it is absolutely nothing like foster care, foster care is provided by strangers.[/quote]
No it's not, children are often fostered within their own families.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 00:56
  1. Am the details I've connected on on forces life are what you've supplied. You've said you'd be deployed only for a few months every few years. That's what I've commented on. That on that basis why wouldn't you keep her with you and use a Nanny?
  1. I don't see why people are so keen to send their kids away when they're able to look after them themselves. Private Day school I get, Boarding unless you can't provide a stable Honegger, not. YOU are saying you'd only be away a few months every few years ago why boarding school?
If I've misunderstood and you'll be away more with being relocated away from your Mom where she'd be living, then I still think you should be taking her with you. As the pp who had lived experience of this has said.
  1. Fair enough but the "she's 3, I know she'll love this when she's X years" is still if not even more meaningless. You do not know at 3 how she'll cope with being away from you for protracted periods or going to bs. Now it might be that you take a"well she'll learn to cope" approach which is your choice, but don't act like your know she'll be thrilled with you leaving and sending her away.
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 00:56

All about you, OP.

No.

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2021 00:57

I know sod all about the army or being a single parent, but this is an interesting thread and I think you’ve had an unfair kicking on here.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 00:57

[quote wannabesolider]@SleepingStandingUp even if I did find a man, it would no way no how be an option to leave my daughter's in his care so soon.[/quote]
Tbf it wasn't me suggesting you should.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 00:57

@NoOneOwnsTheRainbow

I feel like if you were a man considering joining the forces, you wouldn't be getting any of this shit. I mean, no one seems to be asking why the father can't step up. No one is thinking of all the tens of thousands of kids who go to boarding school. For all these posters know, you could meet someone at uni who wants nothing more than to be a stay at home parent for your daughter.

I used to work at a boarding school looking after the younger boarders (from 6 upwards). If she takes to it, she'll be fine. And (I can't put this nicely) if you've raised her to not be whiny, she'll probably take to it. Most of the children were okay after the first separation, but IMO it's not much worse than the separation of sending kids to a day school.

I did have one child who seemed fine when she arrived, then broke her arm in the first week, was off for half a term, and when she came back, she didn't take to boarding school at all, and she literally clung to the corridors crying her eyes out because she thought it would get her parents to come and pick her up. Unfortunately for her, they didn't want her home. It was very heartbreaking and difficult to deal with (I was her class teacher as well so I basically had her most of the time) because she was really not coping and we couldn't get that through to the parents. We ended up having to ask them to take her out of the school. I'm not sure what it was like when you were at school but nowadays, especially for primary boarders, it's a very nurturing environment.

I also went out with someone in the forces for a while (RAF), and it was largely a 9-5 job with occasional deployments. Postings were generally quite long so there was some stability. He had better hours than I did and much better weekend time off. If it's what you need in your life, go for it, because otherwise you'll spend your life feeling unfulfilled and that won't benefit your child at all.

Here we go again with the made up misogny.

If a single father parent was palming his kid off with strangers to go and join the army, of course he would get pelted.

Dodithedog · 17/01/2021 00:57

Sorry but I think yabu to consider this , especially while your child is young.

Your child needs a consistent parent who she knows will always be there for her day and night. Emotionally, she needs you.

If you can’t be happy without joiningbthe forces, take her with you, at least until she’s old enough to express an informed opinion. Don’t leave a young child without either parent for long stretches ( anything more than a couple of nights is long for a child).

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:58

@NoOneOwnsTheRainbow thank you for that! If she really didn't take to boarding school, I would know before coming to the 4 year service mark so wouldn't sign on and would pull her straight out, she will always be my priority. I just think that this could be good for us both and not awful like a lot of people think, I've experienced it first hand and I won't ever know if I don't try. It doesn't have to be permanent!

OP posts:
Chalkcheese · 17/01/2021 00:59

If you were a single dad I don't think there would be this reaction. (Assuming you aren't?) I know a few people who were raised by single dads and basically they lived between boarding school/nanny/grandparents and their dad was more distant and earning money. Among the posher people I know it's not uncommon for them to have boarded, done military service etc, and basically just spent a lot of time apart from their parents. Sorry I hope that makes sense!

Me personally if I had a nursing degree I would work local, and enjoy my child's earlier years, but that's me. I just think you need to do what's right for you AND your daughter so just keep seeing how she's dealing with things as they are and go from there.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 00:59

@Iamthewombat I was aware it might it happen, however I know the people giving me shit probably have zero experience of the forces! Grin

OP posts:
mimi0708 · 17/01/2021 01:00

When you have a child, it's no longer just about you but you also have to consider what's best for your daughter. Kids need their parents.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:01

@Chalkcheese thank you, that is the plan Smile I won't jump head first in to the armed forces without thinking about the impact on her. I would think the vast majority of her early years would be close to home, I won't know this until I speak to the people in the AFCO

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 01:02

I’m sure it’s not impossible, but it is unusual and could be more work to make it work. I’d be talking to the recruitment offices of all the forces - and ask them to put you in touch with mothers in the forces who can talk to you. Then you can decide whether to go for this or another branch of nursing.

I hope you can take the rather hysterical reactions your post has generated. It seems there are quite a few people who don’t understand that army nurses are not front line soldiers and they do in fact go to work and come home like everyone else. Put it down to Covid mania and ignore. Good luck!

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 01:02

@mimi0708 I am aware it isn't just about me Hmm

Just because I don't want mollycoddle my daughter it doesn't mean I won't put her first of be there for her.

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SoulofanAggron · 17/01/2021 01:03

This reply has been deleted

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SheilaWilcox · 17/01/2021 01:03

It does seem quite an unusual choice for a single parent, but I guess you can make anything work if you want it bad enough.

Some questions you might want to ponder...

Aren't you quite old to be joining up? What are the age limits?

What is the appeal of army nursing as opposed to NHS? Is it the benefits/lifestyle, or something else?

Do you enjoy motherhood? Would you consider having your DD adopted?

If deployed somewhere dangerous, are you increasing the chance of your child growing up without any parent?

Nothing against boarding school, the school my DD goes to has boarders as well as day girls and they all seem to love it.

themental · 17/01/2021 01:03

why do people think that if you join the army you are leaving your children. Joining the armed forces doesn't mean your children will never see you or that you won't be there at bed time, bloody hell.

You keep claiming everybody thinks it's for 52 weeks of the year etc but I don't think anyone is under that impression.

I would say exactly the same to any single parent who chose to leave their young (under 12) child for six months at a time.

My youngest is six and I wouldn't even leave her with her (every other weekend) dad. Not for six months. It's not about the army or everyone thinking the army is 52 weeks! I was an engineer when my oldest was 6 and everyone was off to the UAE on 12 month contacts to earn the big bucks. Did I think to myself "I wish I could do that"? Absolutely. But I didn't actually do it, because as a single parent my young children come before my dreams.

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