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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single Parent Joining The Army

432 replies

wannabesolider · 16/01/2021 23:52

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

OP posts:
buckingmad · 17/01/2021 15:24

@shesyourlobster I don’t know if it’s different for officers but my OH (an officer) has definitely mentioned to me before that X factor can be taken away.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 15:25

That is completely different.

How so?

VinterKvinna · 17/01/2021 15:25

[quote wannabesolider]@Backbee I am definitely considering the reserves.[/quote]
and you still have not said "why do you want to join the army?"

Changednamesorry · 17/01/2021 15:26

I'm a single mum and my oldest is 9. His father's not around either.

I read him your post and he said "What? She's only thinking about herself what about her kid?if you don't want a kid don't have one"

Now. I'm not saying he's correct. Obviously he's 9 years old and doesn't understand all the financial stuff, the opportunity all that. But your daughter will be 9 one day and do you want to risk her thinking that way?

I think it's a crazy idea, and also possibly your own childhood has normalised this. But it's not normal at all, even less so as a single parent without any involvement from the other parent.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 15:28

@LastRoloIsMine

That is completely different.

How so?

A marriage breaking down and working daft hours to keep the child in the same school as home and having to use childcare is different to actively planning to join the forces, a choice benefiting only OP, and the child living between mother, brother, OP and boarding school. Yes , as whatever you worked at you might get hit by a bus on the way home but OP is actively choosing a career that has a higher chance of her being sent away, injured, killed, PTSD, and one which requires her full metal and physical energy.

I think the two situations are quite different , but that's just me.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 15:29

But I did write quite a fair message to OP above which hopefully doesn't get lost and I get chinned for my above sentiments.

buckingmad · 17/01/2021 15:33

@Wheresmykimchi do you know how many serving personnel (from all 3 forces) died in service in 2019?

The answer is 66. Cancer made up 32%. Deaths due to hostile action were...0.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 15:39

Wheresmy

My job had its risks I worked in a MH facility and suffered various injuries. Not all forces roles are front line you do know that dont you?

My choice as far as my DC were concerned didnt benefit them at the time. They didn't see the reasons why I wasn't around to care for them. Now they are older they understand and are proud and grateful for my hard work.

As I said earlier my friend joined the navy when her son was 5 yo. He is a happy bright well adjusted boy and even at 12 he is aware that had his mum stayed in the city of his birth he would never have had the opportunities he has. Yes he misses his mum but they make up for lost time when she is on leave or back on land doing a 9-5 role.

He enjoys sailing, surfing, has a fantastic education lots of good friends who are forces kids all of which would not have come so easily had they stayed in Bradford with his mum on benefits and in a low paid thankless job.

ChablisandCrisps · 17/01/2021 15:41

It most certainly is an option within the RAF, I opted out 3 years ago and from that point did not get deployed. DH is about to do the same as I am retraining for something else so will need him around more. I'll get him to check tomorrow if you can opt out at the point of recruitment or if there is a timescale you need to serve before doing it OP.

MiconiumHappens · 17/01/2021 15:44

Googling flexible service will give loads of detail and some good case studies too.

Single Parent Joining The Army
chomalungma · 17/01/2021 15:46

I don’t really have any sensible advice about your plans however I just wanted to add that your daughter won’t be scarred for life by you being in the army and her being in boarding school. You know this as it’s how you were brought up and I know this as it’s how I was brought up

She might be scarred for life.
She might not.

No one can say what will happen - they can just bring their experiences.

Some people thrive in boarding school. Some people hate it.
Some people hate it but don't admit to their parents they hate it because they know that would upset their parents so they put their best face on. My dad still does not know the full extent of what boarding school was like for me and I think it would really upset him if he knew. In fact, no one who cares about me really knows the full extent.

So it's great that so many people have said they enjoy boarding school - and that they think their children enjoy it as well. There are also many others who have said that they, or their loved ones, hated it.

So no one can say what will or won't happen to any child at boarding school.

LizFlowers · 17/01/2021 15:49

I don't understand the desire to joined the armed forces.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 15:52

I dont understand the desire to be an accountant does that mean people shouldn't?

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 15:52

@Changednamesorry I actually think it's been pretty clear I have been thinking about my daughter and the possible, not certain implications, it will have on her. But each to their own.

OP posts:
HmmSureJan · 17/01/2021 15:53

@LizFlowers

I don't understand the desire to joined the armed forces.
Grin so what do you do then? Maybe we should all do that?
Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 15:54

@LizFlowers I don't understand your desire to berate me on something that is different to your desires.

But here we are.

OP posts:
Subordinatethatclause · 17/01/2021 15:56

I think you've made your mind up already OP. You loved it but know it wasn't conventional. You seem to be looking for people to agree with you.

LizFlowers · 17/01/2021 16:01

@LastRoloIsMine

I dont understand the desire to be an accountant does that mean people shouldn't?
No :-). I too don't understand the desire to be an accountant but each to their own I suppose and many people qualify as accountants to have a business qualification, not to actually work as one.

Military life, uniforms, drill, rigid discipline and being sent to fight in a war which you may consider wrong is something else though.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 16:12

Military life, uniforms, drill, rigid discipline and being sent to fight in a war which you may consider wrong is something else though.

Not all roles involve being sent to war!
The regimental nature for many suits them. Its not all scrubbing the bogs with a toothbrush ya know Wink

My dad loved the comradeship the most. The bigger family and support army life offered him. The opportunities for him and his family were also a bonus. Doing training/excersise was just part of the job.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 17/01/2021 16:16

It's a good job done people have the desire for Forces life. Otherwise...

  • the Covid testing programme would have got off the ground
  • the vaccination programme... They've take over logistics for that
-that dam that nearly burst... They sorted that
  • Ebola... The field hospitals in Africa
  • RAF intercepting planes and escorting planes
  • the Navy and the anti drug patrols
  • the UN peacekeepers.

And that's just recent stuff

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 16:18

@LastRoloIsMine

Wheresmy

My job had its risks I worked in a MH facility and suffered various injuries. Not all forces roles are front line you do know that dont you?

My choice as far as my DC were concerned didnt benefit them at the time. They didn't see the reasons why I wasn't around to care for them. Now they are older they understand and are proud and grateful for my hard work.

As I said earlier my friend joined the navy when her son was 5 yo. He is a happy bright well adjusted boy and even at 12 he is aware that had his mum stayed in the city of his birth he would never have had the opportunities he has. Yes he misses his mum but they make up for lost time when she is on leave or back on land doing a 9-5 role.

He enjoys sailing, surfing, has a fantastic education lots of good friends who are forces kids all of which would not have come so easily had they stayed in Bradford with his mum on benefits and in a low paid thankless job.

Let's not pick up hard working parents with one hand and put down mums on benefits who work in low paid jobs, Rolo. Especially the snobbery about friends and education.
HmmSureJan · 17/01/2021 16:24

Military life, uniforms, drill, rigid discipline and being sent to fight in a war which you may consider wrong is something else though.

I've never been so physically fit and mentally alert as I was in the army. I've never laughed so much before or since with friends who are in the same boat as you and totally get the ups and downs. I went sailing and got sailing quals. I went adventure training - climbing, sailing, abseiling out of helicopters. I got my driving licence, I learned to speak German, travelled, competed in and watched huge sports events. Made life long friends, went to fabulous balls in beautiful ball dresses, camping, weapons skills, multiple outdoor pursuits and more.

It wasn't all a bed of roses but enough to make it more than worthwhile was.

LastRoloIsMine · 17/01/2021 16:25

Let's not pick up hard working parents with one hand and put down mums on benefits who work in low paid jobs, Rolo. Especially the snobbery about friends and education.

Hang on I never did that!!

I was explaining how by choosing militarily life my fiend was able to provide her son with some fantastic opportunities and a better lway of life because she could. His education is better in private school thats not snobbery thats fact. She was a low paid single mum on benefits before she joined. She was depressed and struggling. Since joining she is a changed woman. She deserves to be happy.

You just hate the thought of a forces child doing well and being happy so much so you are basically making things up about my post.
You have an agenda that much is clear.

Backbee · 17/01/2021 16:31

Threads like this make me so sad. Your poor daughter.

Poor daughter for having an ambitious mum who wants to be able to secure a stable career and has asked for advice and is weighing up a lot of options? I would say sounds like a fab mum to me personally.

Original poster
wannabesolider · 17/01/2021 16:36

@Backbee thank you 🥺

It seems alot of people are very black and white about the forces, it's this and that and that's it.

OP posts:
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