Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

Marrying too young is surely the classic response to childhood attachment issues, is it not?

A person who grows up feeling inadequately attached, grabs hold of the first suggestion of 'family' and 'security' that presents itself.

So where are your friends you can hang out with?
You have a week and then it's back to school.

Other boarding school kids. Kids that move around with you with your unit so you've known them all your life. I was a boarding school child so I know how it worked. Is it really so different from my friends who own a house in France and one in London and spends all school holidays in France. Their children have friendship groups in both. I suppose that's more acceptable though because they're rich and bilingual...

Marrying too young is surely the classic response to childhood attachment issues, is it not?

Did you read the rest of my post? About the practicalities etc?

@buckingmad amazing what your husband is doing and your children will be proud ♥️

This is so selfish

Other boarding school kids. Kids that move around with you with your unit so you've known them all your life

You can't hang around with boarding school kids when you are back at your base.

If your parents aren't part of a unit, then you can't hang around with them because it's your parents who move, not the unit.

So it can be very lonely.

Yes, I read your post. People are driven by feelings and emotions, not only practicalities. That is very much my point.

People with attachment problems are likely to be very poor at articulating their feelings and emotions, so may be very keen to disguise those behind simple 'practicalities'.

I was a boarding school child so I know how it worked. Is it really so different from my friends who own a house in France and one in London and spends all school holidays in France

Depends if the parents keep moving every 3 years, so you come home to a new house in a new location, you don't know anyone and you have a week before it's back to school.

Is it any more selfish than a parent who works a 12 hour day? Where children are cared for by nannies or a childminder? They will barely see their child either.
Not all army jobs require personnel to be deployed and away for long periods of time. Yes during traing boarding maybe needed but many roles allow parents to work regular hours/days meaning only normal childcare is needed as the parent returns home after each working day.

The ignorance on this thread is not surprising as people believe being in the forces is only about war, being away from home months on end and dysfunctional families.

You can't hang around with boarding school kids when you are back at your base.

You misunderstood. Other children who attend boarding school and are home for the holidays.

If your parents aren't part of a unit, then you can't hang around with them because it's your parents who move, not the unit.

True but you still make friends easily and stay in touch with them because that is what army life is about. You're used to it and learn to make friends very quickly plus you still often get posted to future postings and come across them again.

I know all this because I was an army child for 18 years and then later joined myself.

Depends if the parents keep moving every 3 years, so you come home to a new house in a new location, you don't know anyone and you have a week before it's back to school.

But you do know people mostly and if you don't you'll soon find others in the same boat as you. Over 18 years I was never without friends and am still in touch with hundreds of them now. The only place that was ever really difficult was a posting into deepest rural Essex where the local kids hated the army kids and we were badly bullied, even then the kids on the camp stuck together so you still had friends outside of school.

I know we had words last night but do you not think that's.....sad? Very sad? Kids not knowing whether their parents will be home for Christmas? Is that supposed to save them disappointment in some way?

It is sad but it’s the only way to do it, unfortunately.

DS1 was recently deployed, his return date changed 4 times before he actually got home. It was a pain in the tits for us because DH was picking him up from Brize, and it was a week he was sitting exams, so we were hoping it wouldn’t clash, however had we’ve been telling a child that he was coming, then he wasn’t, then he was it would have been horrible for them.

The fact is aircraft get technical problems, weather happens and crew go over hours so it’s not predictable

Depends if the parents keep moving every 3 years, so you come home to a new house in a new location, you don't know anyone and you have a week before it's back to school.

I know. The insistence of how awful and difficult it must be from people who haven't lived it despite being told differently by others that have, is quite confusing.

Thank you @Wheresmykimchi

@wannabesolider I don't equate "all military personnel being shot at permanently" but I as I am sure you and others on this forum are aware their choice of occupation is not without risk.

As a single parent you have a duty to your daughter and to those who would be responsible for her in your absence to minimise that risk. Your daughter's potential kinship carers would also have to be assessed by social services. I do know of one instance where, 18 months after being orphaned, social services decided the relatives were no longer suitable and the child was placed in the care system.

Considering what would happen to your child if something happens to you is a major consideration in this instance of career choice.
I wish you and your daughter all the best in whatever you decide to do.

You misunderstood. Other children who attend boarding school and are home for the holidays

True - and you have just got to a new base, you might meet some of them, then you are off again back to school.

I can think of the 3 bases we lived at when I was at boarding school.

I can think of just a few friends I made who lived on the bases just long enough to get to know them before it was back to school.

It was lonely as anything.

Luckily we had a dog. But then that was crap as it was back to boarding school so that was hard.

True but you still make friends easily and stay in touch with them because that is what army life is about. You're used to it and learn to make friends very quickly plus you still often get posted to future postings and come across them again

Some people can. There are also those who can't.

It suits some personalities. It didn't suit mine.

I know that it's affected my life massively.

The ignorance on this thread is not surprising as people believe being in the forces is only about war, being away from home months on end and dysfunctional families.

I know. The insistence of how awful and difficult it must be from people who haven't lived it despite being told differently by others that have, is quite confusing.

Sorry I pasted and copied the wrong paragraph on my last post.

I know. The insistence of how awful and difficult it must be from people who haven't lived it despite being told differently by others that have, is quite confusing

Well I have lived it.

I know that it fucked me up.

@chomalungma I'm sorry to hear that, genuinely. I'm not saying it was always ideal but I know for me I got far more out of that life than I gave and had wi detail opportunities I might never otherwise have had. I actually sometimes worry that my own children will not be flexible enough as they've lived in the same home and gone to the same schools their whole lives. I know for me it gave me a strength and spirit of adventure that I am grateful for but again I am sorry that it did not suit you.

I would investigate what the expected working pattern is - I believe that most army medics do at least half the year in the nhs often based in Birmingham, or at specific rehab facilities etc. I would not dismiss the idea but would think that you need a plan a and b, ideally your parents or siblings would be willing to be your DD's primary carer when you are deployed, boarding school isn't an option until older. Non military families won't get this so expect lots of very dismissive comments, I would try to speak to others who have followed this path as a single parent.

wonderful opportunities.

Ps my dd is in the forces, officer training and I've already offered to help with childcare when the time comes (they are young)

[quote wannabesolider]@Whereisthechicken I would handle it yes, even so I would not pull it unless I absolutely had to. Ever.

As for countdowns till I come home I would never ever give a certain date. I have a friend who's husband is in the RAF and he was due back the 18th December but they never told or promised their little boy that daddy would be back for Christmas and I would take the same stance.[/quote]
That sounds bizarre. You wouldn't tell your child how long you'll be away for? What you are suggesting would leave a child to wake each morning and get their hopes up that that's the day their parent returns home, waiting all day and then going to sleep devastated that they didn't.

Another friend's husband has just gone away for nine months. They have two children under eight and gave them a countdown the very first day because counting down is what gets you through. Seeing one less day on the calendar or one less sweet in the jar is literally what keeps you going.

Also, you said you wouldn't pull the childcare card unless you really had to which suggests you already can't commit 100% which means someone will have to cover for you. It's not fair on the other person to pick up your slack on an exercise/deployment. It's fine in a normal job but not when you're spending more nights out of bed away from loved ones because someone can't sort out childcare.

I'm not sure you get the implications of raising a child in the army. During my kid's 7 years of life, my husband has missed christmas, birthdays, school plays, sports days, first steps, first words, first days at school, days out, parents evenings, bad days, good days, the days where my son is crying for what seems like all day saying "daddy" over and over because he misses him so much, emergency hospital trips etc the list goes on. It's hard enough with one parent missing out on this but my children cope because they have another parent, me, that does turn up and supports them through the emotions. You're prepared to put your child through it with noone.

Not military, but mum to a teen at boarding school. DD loves it. We FaceTime daily, she has excellent academics, she is able to access an artistic programme that she would never be able to outside her school, and the social side is fantastic. Boarding does seem to be marmite, in that some of the girls in her year have left because they found it really hard, but for DD and most of her friends they are living the dream! She misses it terribly during lockdown. Also, she and I are really close, so don’t let people tell you it damages your relationship. If the relationship was strong in the first place you will be fine. Be ready to ditch it if it doesn’t suit your DD, but certainly don’t rule it out just because people on here (with no experience of boarding) think it makes you a bad mum!

@Whereisthechicken sorry I didn't word that very well, I mean I wouldn't give a specific date return especially around a holiday like Christmas.

I would pull the childcare card if I absolutely had to, for example my mum just happened to be in hospital or something. It's largely unlikely that I will need to pull said card. I won't be one pulling it at every opportunity as I imagine some do.

Given I was a military child, I am perfectly aware of the possible implications, I was one for 18 years.

@user1471539385 thank you for your insight into how your dd loves boarding school, shows not all kids hate it! How old was she when she started can I ask?

Oh yes, absolutely prepared to ditch it, I will never put it before her but I won't know if I don't try and don't want to rule it out