Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

@wannabesolider you may not have access to care options where you are deployed within the UK - you will not stay in one place for your career and will most likely move every two to three years, sometimes longer depending on the tour.

@movingonup20 yes I definitely have some investigating to do!

Yes my brother is indeed my back up should my mother be unable

@Dippysauceus that is not always the case and mobility isn't always like that, many personnel stay put for years and I am aware this doesn't always happen as I've lived in a places as a child. How do you think families with both parents in the forces make it happen? There are chances of co-location not happening, at one point my dad was based in Lincolnshire and my Mum Hampshire.

DD started boarding at age 11, so the start of secondary school. She tends to only come home on scheduled exeats, so roughly one weekend a month, and has half terms and (longer) school holidays at the usual times. She doesn’t generally come home more frequently as there are such lovely activities planned in the boarding house and she doesn’t want to miss out! When she comes home, and also during our FaceTimes, the time is quality. We actually talk and do stuff together.

@user1471539385 amazing! I'm so glad she loves it! Technology certainly helps when keeping in touch, being able to see someone's face and that

@wannabesolider my Ex is a medic in the military - he's also a single parent - those were his issues he faced.

Clearly you are going to do this regardless of what anyone tells you, so crack on with it.

If I decided to take a really well paid job in Dubai and farm my children out to relatives then boarding school everyone would deem make selfish. The fact that the job you are considering is in the forces doesn't make you any less selfish. You can have a successful career and set an example to your child without joining the forces.

I remember watching a news article a couple of years ago there was a married couple who were both in the forces and started a family. The child was farmed out to relatives and they barely spent any time together as a family, they were being applauded for their dedication to the country whereas I just thought why on earth did they have children when they will barely have any involvement in their lives.

@Dippysauceus I do appreciate these are experiences of a lot and I am grateful for your input, I only meant it's not always the case and many army jobs aren't as mobile as others.

I have not said at any point I am going to do it regardless, it is only an option I am exploring.

@GreekOddess again, I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone, but that doesn't mean it's the same for all. I haven't made any decision and will take much of the things mentioned in this thread on board when thinking about it, I won't ever know if it works for me and my family if I don't try. Taking a well paid job abroad is not remotely the same, I would spend most of the time at home. You don't spend all of your career on deployments. I also wouldn't sign on beyond the 4 years if it isn't working my daughter.

Got nothing against boarding schools to be honest, you tend to get a better education in them because there are less kids and the teacher can do more with you. Was the same in my primary school, tiny class so we were all way ahead of the nearest bigger primary school. When that school closed and we had to go to the bigger school, we got forced to redo a ton of work because they didn't believe we were that far ahead. No problem for me, redid it all quickly, but was pointless. Of course even with the benefit some kids just aren't smart so they don't learn quickly regardless or learn more. Knew some kids in private school who just weren't smart so they knew less than I did, also knew others who were smart and knew far more than me. It gives you a boost if you've got intelligence, does nothing if you haven't. People will be offended by that, but it is true. Being in private school might have given me a boost, but despite being smart I am also lazy so doubt it would have made much difference.

Anyway that's besides the point. Your plan has a few flaws really. You want to rely on family for childcare potentially. Nothing wrong with that, if they are willing. It won't harm your child, but it seems unfair on your family to expect them to do it. I wouldn't use my parents as regular childcare to be honest as they've done their child raising, they didn't ask for more of that. A nanny would be better, however if you're deployed during summer, you're going to need someone there 24/7 as I don't believe boarding schools will keep your child over summer. That's a big problem you've got. Plus if you get deployed somewhere else even in the UK far from your family, you can't use them then.

It's a lot to plan and a lot to think about. You've got time to do that, so speak to the army and see if they have answers for you. They've seen pretty much every situation I'd imagine, yours won't be special or unique. Just ask.

If you stay in one place you aren't entitled to the boarding school allowance... That's only for the people who move around (3 years max in a posting).

I've known many single parents in the Forces get au pairs. (Although the single dad struggled because the au pairs families didn't want them living with a single man...)

[quote wannabesolider]@Iamthewombat I was aware it might it happen, however I know the people giving me shit probably have zero experience of the forces! [/quote]
I am also a forces brat. I also went to boarding school. I was deeply, deeply unhappy but hid it from my parents because a) I knew how much it meant to my parents for me to have a private education - we weren’t at an income level where that could have happened without the BSA b) my school made it perfectly clear that there were two sorts of people, those who “thrived” and those who were substandard.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves I do know that, however if I am more mobile than I hoped then boarding school is an option.

@Longtalljosie I'm sorry you had a bad experience

@CakeRequired thank you for input, I would never expect my mother to do the childcare and have considered a nanny/au pair - just mum is an option as isn't unhappy about doing it. If she said she didn't want to do it (and she would) then I wouldn't expect it of her.

My mum went to boarding school and is "fine". In reality she's emotionally detached and we've all felt it. Never discussed it with her but she did once mention sarcastically that she was "dumped" by grandma.

I'm sure she would have had no problem leaving us for months at a time and expecting us to get on with it.

I think it's a terrible idea. The child only has one parent as it is, why would you want to spend so much time away from her?

Well you asked for opinions,I could not fathom your thinking,you say you enjoyed boarding school but did you?you seem quite cold about your dd's emotional needs and the impact all the lack of routine she is going to have in her life.something doesn't quite add up for me here.but your plans are certainly more garnered for you not your dd.

It's not just a question of boarding school, you could be deployed overseas for very long periods and be unavailable if your child needed you urgently.

Do you not like being a parent? I see the armed forces as an escape for people who aren't keen on their kids.

Can you post on an Army-related forum too? You might get some more people speaking from experience there and perhaps a more positive attitude (unless the thread has become more positive since the first thread)?

I’d do nursing but absolutely not join the army as a single parent. Your poor DD will feel abandoned and neglected, particularly if you put her in to boarding school at a young age so you can follow your career.

A horrible thing to do. She’ll grow up to resent it and probably not be at all close to you in adulthood.

If you’re really keen on the services then join as a reservist only.

I think our armed forces should be representative of our whole society, single mothers included.

Are people this awful to parents in other jobs?
My parents ran pubs. I moved 6 times before I was 11, went to 2 nurseries, 3 primary schools and 3 secondary schools. Boarding school would have been a nice stability to keep the same friends
Sure they were "home" but they were downstairs working in the pub 7am - 11pm so I had nannies
We often got 2 weeks notice of a move and we would move and I would start a new school on the same day

A friend of mine boarded from 11. They were only allowed to phone their parents twice a week. She loathed it and has never really forgiven her parents. Please don’t do this to your DD; even if she says she’s ok with it.

And an au pair can’t look after a young child unsupervised, they’re just for helping out round the house when accompanied by a parent.

A mad idea.

I've not read the full thread so sorry if its already been posted but military staff get paid something called the x factor, its additional pay for deployment and unsociable hours. You can choose to opt of of this payment and receive a reduced salary to negate your need for overseas postings. When both DH and I were in the RAF, I did this so I wouldn't have to go away. If you are set on a military career; the RAF is much more family friendly with each uk posting being for 5 years making it easier to settle etc.