Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

@ChablisandCrisps

I've not read the full thread so sorry if its already been posted but military staff get paid something called the x factor, its additional pay for deployment and unsociable hours. You can choose to opt of of this payment and receive a reduced salary to negate your need for overseas postings. When both DH and I were in the RAF, I did this so I wouldn't have to go away. If you are set on a military career; the RAF is much more family friendly with each uk posting being for 5 years making it easier to settle etc.

I have never, ever heard of the 'x factor' being optional. If you don't mind me asking, how long ago were you in the RAF?

@ChablisandCrisps

I've not read the full thread so sorry if its already been posted but military staff get paid something called the x factor, its additional pay for deployment and unsociable hours. You can choose to opt of of this payment and receive a reduced salary to negate your need for overseas postings. When both DH and I were in the RAF, I did this so I wouldn't have to go away. If you are set on a military career; the RAF is much more family friendly with each uk posting being for 5 years making it easier to settle etc.

The only thing I can think of is if you mean full time reserves. It is definitely not optional for the regulars, and I have never known it to be either.

Single mum here.

You do what's right for you and your child.

I had a live nanny until she was 10 and she now boards part time and loves it. She is 11.

I (used to) have to travel a lot for work and I wanted to stay in my career because it pays really well and I wanted to educate her privately for secondary school, buy a decent house etc

When you are a single parent you need to strike a balance, it's hard to do but I'm sure you will do a great job.

Oh and my DDs father has no involvement either

@VestaTilley I'm not going to rule out boarding school because some hate it. Others love it. If she really hates it, I wouldn't leave her there.

@jeaux90 thank you so much for that! I'm glad you make it work

@LizFlowers again, people seem determined to tar people in the armed forces as not wanting to be around their children. Of course I love my daughter and love being her mum, that does not mean I need to be here 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes every hour.

People can think what they like about serving parents.

Hi OP, just wanted to put in my 10p worth!

I have been single for the last 12 years with 3 children and an involved ex if you call every other weekend and no maintenance invovled. I have heard it all in that time. Single parents are very much considered the bottom of society's heap. Everyone has an opinion on us and rarely is it positive. Everyone believes that we are 'bad' and that any other kind of family is, without a shadow of a doubt 'better'. We absolutely should know our place and it's OK for other women to pull their husbands away from us in playgrounds or comment on the size of our houses or make comments about 'benefit scum' within our earshot. Whatever you do as a single parent, it will be wrong.

I'll give you some examples: work full time professionally or in a job with prospects? Your poor child is in wraparound care constantly, always the first to be dropped off and last to be picked up and why on earth did you have him if you didn't want to look after him? You work part-time? You're lazy and why should we, the tax payer, have to fund you so you can juggle your children and your job? You don't work? You're just scum on the non-existent 'single mum benefits' and your child will grow up without aspirations and repeat the cycle. The people who are telling you here that you shouldn't join the army are the same ones who will pull out their judgey pants when your child hits 18 and ask you why you didn't plan for the day they were going to leave if you are doing anything other than CEO level work and earning way, way, way above average wage. The same ones who will call you out on not sorting out a pension or stand with their hands on their hips when you have a disaster and ask why you didn't think about this and save some money.

I am what I call 'successful' at single parenting. And by that, I mean if you know me on a nodding basis in the school playground, I look like the proverbial swan but you won't know the level of frantic paddling that's going on underneath to make it work. I have a career. I earn good money. I also lost my parents and consquently am financially more secure than most in that my home is my own, have a new car on the driveway and can afford holidays. And believe me, the playground coven can't stand it. It absolutely kills them that a single mum lives in a nice house and goes out to work every day. The comments over the years are hilarious and depressing in equal measure. 'Darling, I would love to be a TA like you but I really can't, I have a husband' is one particularly memorable put down by a woman who knows full well I teach and equally knows full well I have management responsibilities. Another scrunched up her nose on my doorstep when she dropped her child off for a play date and said 'I suppose we're paying for you to live here?' (I have the audacity to live in a nice house in a nice area with a nice sea view). She expected an answer but not the 'no, it's my home, I own it outright, thanks' that she got.

Anyway, that's years of frustration let out there! My point is, you need to live your life for you and your child and like any parent, make the best decisions you can in any given moment. All our children will judge us, single or not, and as my children are now in their teens, I can tell you that they totally understand that my preocupation with work was always to ensure that the money kept coming in so that their lives were as comfortable as possible. They don't seem to resent me in anyway and are grateful for the opportunities they have had. My eldest child has a good friend brought up by a single mum who has worked for years on minimum wage and he can see the difference in their lifestyles and levels of security. And despite the fact that I feel I am never really here for them, I am there for them more than minimum wage mum is for her son which is a reflection on the levels she is having to go to to make ends meet in today's society and I feel quite desperate when I think of the situation of some single mums today. It is not wrong to want to have your own life and career and to make a success of those. In fact, it is the right thing to do for your long term prospects and I would urge you to fight for what you think will make you happy long term because your feelings, your life, matters too. It is particularly important that you plan long term if there is any prospect that you may be single long term. Ignore the naysayers because frankly, you'll never get it right for them. Hope it all works out well for you.

@VestaTilley aBaNdOnED aNd nEgLecTeD

I am sick of this sentiment that all military children feel abandoned by their parents! We're you one? Probably not. I never felt abandoned, only proud. I appreciate not everyone is the same. I am not close my dad, that has nothing nothing with his military career more his behaviour, I am close to my mum who was also serving.

@shesyourlobster this is a current thing, it’s Flexible Service. You can’t do it permanently but can for I think two years IOT to be protected from deployment and take a lower salary.

[quote wannabesolider]@LizFlowers again, people seem determined to tar people in the armed forces as not wanting to be around their children. Of course I love my daughter and love being her mum, that does not mean I need to be here 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes every hour.

People can think what they like about serving parents.[/quote]
I understand that, wannabesoldier, but imagine being in another country for months on end; you'd have no choice about it. That would be difficult for both of you.

Anyway it's a long way off, you haven't even trained to be a nurse yet and anything can happen between now and then.

[quote wannabesolider]@Wheresmykimchi so by that logic, that suggests to forces personnel should have children at all [/quote]
Did I say that?

Did I say anything LIKE that?

I said I find it very sad that the kids won't know whether their parent is coming home for Christmas.

Nothing like that at all. I see you, and other posters who have joined you, are very defensive. It appears only those with knowledge of the military can offer any opinions - my last post wasn't even an opinion, just a feeling, but those are also rated too now!

My husband comes from a family who were brought up this way. Sent off to board as soon as was feasible.

This has caused issues with how my MIL has connected with her children and affected their childhood and has resulted in my DH and SIL suffering badly with their mental health and having real issues with anxiety and separation.

Why did you have your daughter if you didn't want her around op?

Personally I wouldn't (unless the other parent was actively involved in their life - not necessarily living together) - however a nanny seems like a sensible way to go if you do

I did grow up in the forces (I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it the same if I'd been in one place for 6 years and then ended up moving every 18 months - whereas for me moving every other year was my normal
I wouldn't want to do boarding school for my kids at a young age - I know my parents decided that by the time I got to 13 the choice was either leave or boarding school so I had stability over by GCSEs - DH's father was also RAF and he moved when he was half way through his GCSEs and DH thinks that really screwed him up (however the majority of it he really enjoyed and I had had the posting lasted a year longer he'd have not had that feeling)

Single parent military mum here.

Not read the full thread as quite honestly some of the views I did read are so way off the reality and a little upsetting to read for me, but every one is of course entitled to their view and you have asked for them so fair enough, anyway....

I would definitely explore options within the RAF. They were in the Times top 50 employers for women. They have very progressive flexible working/flexible service options. Many would be extremely surprised how family focussed they are and how you can actually provide stability for children in using them.

I took a years maternity for each of my two children. 6 months full pay. 3 months SMP and three months additional unpaid. Used KIT days during the 3 months. So had a very positive experience there.

For context I have in the last 10 years spent 8 months of that away deployed in 2, 4 months stints. There have of course been a few courses and training as well but these are generally a few weeks at a time and very easy to plan around and in our experience is not an issue.

It really all depends on what trade or branch you pick, so research is key. It's not equal across trades, some will be a lot more stable than others. The very best way to do this is to talk to a single parent actually doing it now i would say, perhaps ask the AFCO if this is an option.

Finally me and my children have of course had the down sides of military life, but quite simply of it was the horror story some seem to think it is, I wouldn't do it - I would leave :)

@Watchingbehindmyhands but the logistics are very tricky, people are just being honest. It's not even the same as a job with long hours, it's unpredictable and you really do have to flex your life around the military. Last year for example, soldiers on notice were told on Christmas Eve that they would be helping with testing over Christmas. If you live hours away from family as that's where you are based, it's hard to navigate. They don't make allowances for people with dependents, they try, but the reality is that isn't always possible, and any trade can be shafted. It's not a job that's overly compatible with family life unless sacrifices are made, let alone for anyone (man or woman) on their own.

The reserves is a great option, best of both worlds.

@Nancylovesthecock yeah because that's it I don't want her around

@Backbee I am definitely considering the reserves.

Threads like this make me so sad. Your poor daughter.

[quote wannabesolider]@Whereisthechicken sorry I didn't word that very well, I mean I wouldn't give a specific date return especially around a holiday like Christmas.

I would pull the childcare card if I absolutely had to, for example my mum just happened to be in hospital or something. It's largely unlikely that I will need to pull said card. I won't be one pulling it at every opportunity as I imagine some do.

Given I was a military child, I am perfectly aware of the possible implications, I was one for 18 years.[/quote]
But OP.. I'm donning my tin hat here...

Do you think that your own view having been a military child might be colouring your view just a little bit ...as you quite possibly fairly think our non military views don't?

You might have enjoyed boarding school,and thrived. I was being serious about your intelligence, ignoring your outbursts you write well and have got into nursing which is no easy task.

But your child may well not cope with boarding school, or being with your mother, or brother, or with you being away . That's the reality. And that seems to be one you are too defensive to hear. Shutting down anyone who says anything like that with us being know it all whiny mums who don't think people in the forces should have kids doesn't help.

There are lots of posts on here from people with DH or DP who comes home.from forces. Great.

But you are a single parent. And for what it's worth I'm sorry life hasn't worked out the way it should and dad isn't around. But as a single mum you have to make tough choices. Equating the forces to 'well it's the same as any other job' it isn't.

Im not much older than you. I've been stubborn and headstrong. I've made bad choices and good ones. I'm human, I'm more than someone who disagrees with you on a forum.

Ultimately you will do what you want. But I think to make the right decision, you need to evaluate all sides, not just the ones that agree with you.

Hi OP

I don’t really have any sensible advice about your plans however I just wanted to add that your daughter won’t be scarred for life by you being in the army and her being in boarding school. You know this as it’s how you were brought up and I know this as it’s how I was brought up.

It will probably outrage a lot of commenters on here but I was sent to boarding school at the age of 10 😄 I did not feel abandoned, I did not feel as if my parents didn’t care, and I did not develop a cold distance towards them. I always understood why I was at boarding school - which, for the record, I bloody loved!

My mum and I have the strongest bond and most wonderful relationship, I got a cracking education and came very close to joining the forces myself as a result of the upbringing I had.

So yeah. Not much by way of advice but I guess I understand that people who weren’t brought up in the forces won’t understand what it’s like and I just wanted to show a smidge of solidarity with you.

I'd say you would need a live in nanny.

Sorry OP but you sound as if it's a given that you will be accepted into the Army, with no problem. I know several experienced, fit, exemplary nurses who have been rejected by the forces recently.
Just because a post is advertised as a priority for recruitment, does not mean that they take all comers and you have to get through the nurse training first.

I dont understand this.

The OP has made it clear that if boarding doesn't work for her DD then she won't go.
Simply because her DD may not like it does that mean she shouldn't try?

When my marriage broke down I had no option but to work 60 hours a week as with 4 DC I needed the income to survive. I used all kinds of childcare in order to facitate it. I know that for 2 years I barely saw my DC however that hard work and sacrifice meant that we stayed in the family home, same schools, we didn't have to live in poverty and I now have a role that pays well and is less hours and I love my job so am a happy mum.

Forces life can and does accommodate children and it is not always a disaster.
OP you have the chance of a career and you are clearly thinking of your DD when making this choice despite what some say.

Good luck

@LastRoloIsMine

I dont understand this.

The OP has made it clear that if boarding doesn't work for her DD then she won't go.
Simply because her DD may not like it does that mean she shouldn't try?

When my marriage broke down I had no option but to work 60 hours a week as with 4 DC I needed the income to survive. I used all kinds of childcare in order to facitate it. I know that for 2 years I barely saw my DC however that hard work and sacrifice meant that we stayed in the family home, same schools, we didn't have to live in poverty and I now have a role that pays well and is less hours and I love my job so am a happy mum.

Forces life can and does accommodate children and it is not always a disaster.
OP you have the chance of a career and you are clearly thinking of your DD when making this choice despite what some say.

Good luck

That is completely different.