HERE ARE ALL THE OP'S POSTS SO FAR, SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE MISSED SOME OF THEM
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...
I think he is a bit hesitant to mention it to her, I have said to him tell her you will pay a couple of months so she is not suddenly unable to pay a bill or something, She must know this day would come but I do feel a bit bad, if we were rich I’d probably say just keep paying, even another year, but we are so so skint right now. I lost my job last year during lockdown, and my dh lost all overtime (£1000+ a month). Otherwise I wouldn’t bother about it cos I get on well with his ex most of the time.
DS is 21 and unemployed, dd is 18 and at college.
@HugeAckmansWife he would not be coming to live with us unless he had a job and started paying us digs. I worked FT in a restaurant when I was 19, and yes it is bloody hard to find work, I remember well, I’m only 30! He worked for a few weeks then chucked it. SAMe with college. His mum let him lie in bed all day so dh started phoning him early, taking him out on jobs with him to motivate him to get up, showered etc but he just has no passion or drive. His sister is the opposite, she has her whole life mapped out, when she wants something she makes it happen lol.
@ZoeTurtle he had one though! He had found one and he got fed up and chucked it! Dh got him an interview with his work (electricity company) brilliant starting wage and he just wasn’t interested and didn’t go. I got him an interview at a chip shop before Covid, good hours, we offered to let him live with us cos it was closer to us. Wasn’t interested. I was emailing the boss all afternoon saying my dss would be great at this etc I was so embarrassed when I had to email back and say he wasn’t interested.
Btw it sounds like I don’t like my dss, I do I love them both, I am only 9 years older than my dss so most of the time we are more like mates, but he refers to me as his step mum and gets me cards on mother’s day etc so sometimes the relationship probably gets a bit blurred but I do try my best with him. He’s always welcome here, I’ve told both of them that. Several times.
@Doublefaced we are in Scotland so no uni fees, just travel and lunches, books etc.
@Doublefaced sorry, and when lives with her bf and his mum. Ex gives some of the maintenance to bfs mum to pay for dsd since she’s not Living at home now
@Doublefaced the son dh and I have is disabled so will probably never leave home sadly. Btw if dss phoned today and asked to come stay I absolutely would say yes, they both have a bedroom here, and tbh they are brilliant with their little brother and he adores them which makes me love them even more. I just don’t want dss to waste his life, I sometimes I feel like I did that, I dropped out of uni when I was pregnant and I regret it sometimes, despite being happy now, I know I could have done better and dss is a clever guy.
@Doublefaced dsd has a job and receives money from us and her mum, she’s fine she’s doing grand.
@connie I asked him to come live with us and found that wee job for him but his mum
Didn’t think it was a good idea and he just kinda agreed so that was the end of that.
@combatbarbieno it’s hasn’t, it has been the same for years, when our son was born dh didn’t reduce it, it’s a private arrangement dh and his ex came to so that the ex got all the money and not the dss taking some of it.
@JanewaysBun we offered to put him on our car insurance, same as dsd is, but he never bothered to get his provisional licence. He’s just not bothered. He has found a gf recently and she seems more
Driven so hopefully she is what he needs to boost him a bit and get his finger out!
@CorianderBee I went to uni at 17 and got pregnant at 18, I had an abortion and didn’t go back to uni, went to college a year later to get my HND then started working. Met my husband at work, I was 22 he was 41, we had our ds then got married. And I occasionally regret dropping out of uni but I didn’t sit around, I went to college which suited me better.
@MaudHatter I wouldn’t need to be prepared to do anything.. .. he is an adult.