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Original poster

Dh stopping maintenance

323 replies

savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:27

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

OP posts:
timelord92 · 17/01/2021 13:13

Caring carer

"If he goes back into full time education your DH will have to support him though."

Not at the age of 21 he doesn't. He will have to fund it himself by getting a job. If I suddenly decided to go back to college or uni now at the age of 36 I wouldn't expect my mum and dad to have to pay it for me.

bobbojobbo · 17/01/2021 16:20

you just realised that? But when you asked the question he was living with his mother...I doubt you would have forgotten he had moved when you were writing it....

Original poster
savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 16:26

I totally forgot he had went down to stay with his gf, my husband just reminded me yesterday, don’t know what’s so hard to get about that @bobbojobbo

OP posts:
bobbojobbo · 17/01/2021 16:30

You're so invested that you posted here about the maintenance for this young man, but you completely forgot he hasn't lived in the home the maintenance is going to for months? Yeah, alright Hmm

Original poster
Savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 16:37

@bobbojobbo funnily enough it’s not the only thing going on in my life so take your wee sarcastic comments and shove them up your arse.

OP posts:
bobbojobbo · 17/01/2021 16:41

Nice. Namechange fail by the way. Hmm

Original poster
Savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 16:42

Sorry guys name changed for another post I’m on and changed it back with a capital S sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
Savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 16:43

Yeah i realised that sincere apologies that I got a letter wrong

OP posts:
Doublefaced · 17/01/2021 17:08

Grin Epic name change fail and epic fact changing. Can’t wait to see your cheer leaders defend this. So funny Grin

Original poster
savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 17:18

Love playing spot the ex wife on here Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
savethegiblets · 17/01/2021 17:20

And I wouldn’t call one wrong letter an “epic” fail 😂😂

OP posts:
PoppiesinOctober · 17/01/2021 17:23

@savethegiblets

Love playing spot the ex wife on here Grin
Hahaha. I wonder 🤔🤔
iolaus · 17/01/2021 17:29

To me maintenance is payable for the length that child benefit would be payable (ignoring the pay cap for child benefit)

Bollss · 17/01/2021 17:39

@Doublefaced

Grin Epic name change fail and epic fact changing. Can’t wait to see your cheer leaders defend this. So funny Grin
Coming from someone who invented their own story? How can you say anything?
IdaMaeMan · 17/01/2021 20:53

@Doublefaced is clearly a bitter ex 😂😂

GabsAlot · 17/01/2021 22:29

definitely then if neither child is at home what was he thinking-he should have stopped months ago

FortniteBoysMum · 17/01/2021 22:42

According to cms once the child leaves full time education at 18 or starts uni then maintenance stops. So his within his rights to do so. Reality is his 21 year old is not working because dad is still paying his bills. The 18 year old may need support at uni but that would be going to her not the ex wife. So yes I personally think his correct to stop payments but should let her know his doing so.

FortniteBoysMum · 17/01/2021 22:47

Sorry I saw the uni part and thought she was at uni. This is more complicated with her at college as technically he should be paying for her but then if she does not live at home he wouldn't need to as she's not living in the house the money would go to. Defs discuss first and maybe suggest a support arrangement for the ds with her. The eldest should go get a job if he needs money his 21 and can't sit around home for ever.

bobbojobbo · 17/01/2021 22:50

NRP's usually have never paid anything like half of what it actually costs to raise their children.
Women on here talking about cutting it off overnight at 16/18 or anything else is not funny, its disgusting. You're not only normalising NRP's (lets face it, men) getting away with not paying properly for their children, you're encouraging them to stop entirely the second they think they can get away with it.

IdaMaeMan · 17/01/2021 23:35

@bobbojobbo who said anything about cutting it off overnight at 16?? Confused give up lol

Daffy2020 · 17/01/2021 23:46

Perfectly reasonable. Also kids are of age he shouldn’t have to help them out much now either.

FrackOffMrBubbles · 17/01/2021 23:49

Epic name change fail??? One letter? 😂 Hardly epic.

DecemberSun · 18/01/2021 07:10

@FrackOffMrBubbles

Epic name change fail??? One letter? 😂 Hardly epic.
Bit daft to point it out. Says a lot about the person who did so.
Noconceptofnormal · 18/01/2021 07:42

I disagree.

The DD is 18 right, and at university? So she should be supported until finishing FT education.

The DS sounds like a layabout and needs to be supported by BOTH parents to get on his feet (though bearing in mind it is a pandemic).

I think the support needs to continue for 6 months for the son, with both parents giving him fair warning to get a job and pay his way or move out. But your husband needs to help his son with that process.

The daughter should be supported until she finishes uni, sorry.

HugeAckmansWife · 18/01/2021 07:43

Please don't use the "bitter ex wife line". Its like using Hitler in an argument-- completely undermines any valid point you may have by making you look spiteful and mean. A pp makes a very good point about NRP's rarely covering 50% of a child's costs so if you were to continue paying after you legally have to, maybe it would even. things up a bit. This is not about a bitter ex getting free money - I bloody hate that. RPs who have done and funded the vast majority of parenting have a right to feel pissed of about it, no matter how many years from the split. That doesn't make them bitter, which implies a misplaced grudge about something from long ago.

However, that aside, I think there are two ways to approach this. You are quite scathing about the mum's efforts of lack thereof to get the son motivated and usefully employed, despite admitting yourself that you and your DH have also failed on that score. So how about, as a pp said, all 4 of you sitting down as adults and working out what the plan is - you could reasonably say that CMS is for children and he is no longer one, but he needs a roof and food. If the issue is genuine fecklessness, then he gets X notice to sort himself out, or at the very least make him aware he is now responsible for claiming UC or whatever, some of which will need to be turned over to whoever is providing the roof and food. he gets no treats etc paid for unless he is contributing in some way. But if that is all happening while he is living with the mum still then your Dh should still be contributing to that. After X point, if he is still loafing about and genuinely isn't due to the pandemic or other issues, then I think its reasonable to tell the ex that you will not be continuing to help fund that. OR he comes and lives with you, as you said upthread, he would only be doing that if he was working and contributing. So tell the mum, CMS stops in X months / weeks but he can then come and live with you. If either of them refuse that option then it is her choice to continue to support her adult child without help.

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