Dh stopping maintenance

[savethegiblets]

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

Presumably there's a narrative and dss is explaining why he feels demotivated to work. Perhaps getting to the bottom of the reasons will find a great solution to his difficulties.
I suspect the reasons are that he would rather sit in his room smoking dope and gaming. Time to stop enabling that.

Ignore my last comment I got ages mixed up 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

Can the son live with you part time? If so then yes I think it's reasonable to stop.

@Doublefaced

Perhaps you should take your own advice @ILoveYou3000*

‘Ex gives some of the maintenance to bfs mum to pay for dsd since she’s not Living at home now’

From the OP. Ex being the Ex wife

Mortified for you. First rule of MN. Don’t preach unless you’re perfect*

No need to be mortified on my behalf. I'm not. I wasn't preaching, just suggesting and I made a mistake. You're right, I got that part wrong. I misread the initial post.

Regardless, perhaps OP's husband would provide money to his daughter's bf's mum were he to stop paying maintenance. As per the suggestion that he'd pay money directly to his daughter for her needs. It sounds like he fully intends to continue helping his children.

He should still pay until his son turns 21.

His son is 21.

‘
But Op does make the point that if her DH stops maintenance, he plans to give money directly to the DSD, so she (and presumably her bfs mum) will not miss out, they will just get it directly from the dad?’

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason.

It’s more than acceptable to divert a large percentage of existing maintenance to the DD who is at college. A regular supportive amount from a supportive father. But that’s not what is being proposed. He’ll throw them the odd crumb if they ask for it and if he decides to be generous.
It’s a depressingly common attitude. But men get away with it so it won’t ever change.
I am so grateful to be married to a decent man who continues to support his ‘adult’ kids because it’s the right thing to do.

Sounds like your DSS has the makings of a future cock-lodger 😂.

It doesn’t really matter why the DS isn’t working - he should at least be claiming benefits and pay some of that to his mum.

We know some graduates who finished last year and claimed jobseekers whilst looking for work, even though not from poor families - if nothing else it focused their minds for job hunting. They got work relatively quickly, not graduate level but at least something for the time being.

The DS can claim universal credit if he is not working. They will expect him to look for work, but he wont be left penniless and will need to start to learn to budget.
he wont be able to get the housing element, but similarly if she rents/claims they wont penalise her for having another adult in the home / look at his income in her claim.

@Blanca87

Sounds like your DSS has the makings of a future cock-lodger 😂.

Yep

No, he needs to continue helping out his DD.

My DD gets UC and ESA as she also receives PIP. She gives me the equivilent of the PIP amount for her contribution towards the rent and bills and food.

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason

Is this not what most parents do? I have borrowed money off my parents when I needed it at that age. They didn't give me a set regular amount, because I was an adult responsible for myself

@Doublefaced

‘ But Op does make the point that if her DH stops maintenance, he plans to give money directly to the DSD, so she (and presumably her bfs mum) will not miss out, they will just get it directly from the dad?’

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason.

It’s more than acceptable to divert a large percentage of existing maintenance to the DD who is at college. A regular supportive amount from a supportive father. But that’s not what is being proposed. He’ll throw them the odd crumb if they ask for it and if he decides to be generous.
It’s a depressingly common attitude. But men get away with it so it won’t ever change.
I am so grateful to be married to a decent man who continues to support his ‘adult’ kids because it’s the right thing to do.

Ffs where have you got “the odd crumb” from.

Yes you’ve got the only good man out there. All the others are shits. Yes we know

@CostaDelCovid

I agree. However, if they were still together and the 18yr old was still at home (rent free) then his income would be paying towards their DS's upkeep

But they aren't together. And with that also comes the fact that the dad doesn't really get a say in what happens in mum's home. If she is reluctant to push him to find work and fend for himself, he's supposed to just suck it up and pay maintenance until when? The son could still be there at 30 years old!

He's likely to want to live with the parent who makes it easiest for him to get away with doing nothing if he doesn't want to support himself.

What if Dad disagrees with how Mum is handling it and what she's letting him get away with? He just keeps paying regardless?

@SusannahSophia

My point of view is coming from that of an ex wife. My middle DS is 21, just finished his HND in the middle of 2020 and has been applying for numerous jobs. He also has ASD. He lives full time with me, my exH stopped EOWs when he turned 18. He also stopped maintenance at that time. So I’m fully supporting our DS while he tries to find work. I’m in a low paid job, my ExH earns 7x as much as I do.

With your own adult children, do people really kick them out at 20/21 to make their own way in the world? If they aren’t managing that very well? It feels like my exH has abandoned all responsibility for our DS and left me to shoulder that.

My other 2 DSes are 23 and 18, one lives in another city with work and the other is at university. ExH has escaped having to fund them through uni, as the loan is based on my earnings. He seems to have escaped an awful lot.

My parents booted me out at 16! They were born during the war and back when they were teens, you were considered an adult at like 13/14! I had to go live in a homeless hostel, accept food parcels and often go days without food. All whilst they were having my older brother & his gf and baby living with them rent free and having their meals made for them. My parents even jetted off across the Atlantic on holiday whilst I was stuck in that hell hole but I'm going off on a tangent now! In answer to your question, yes some definitely DO!

@Doublefaced

‘ But Op does make the point that if her DH stops maintenance, he plans to give money directly to the DSD, so she (and presumably her bfs mum) will not miss out, they will just get it directly from the dad?’

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason.

It’s more than acceptable to divert a large percentage of existing maintenance to the DD who is at college. A regular supportive amount from a supportive father. But that’s not what is being proposed. He’ll throw them the odd crumb if they ask for it and if he decides to be generous.
It’s a depressingly common attitude. But men get away with it so it won’t ever change.
I am so grateful to be married to a decent man who continues to support his ‘adult’ kids because it’s the right thing to do.

No mention of mums attitude and lack of contribution for dd. Funny that.

@Doublefaced

‘ But Op does make the point that if her DH stops maintenance, he plans to give money directly to the DSD, so she (and presumably her bfs mum) will not miss out, they will just get it directly from the dad?’

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason.

It’s more than acceptable to divert a large percentage of existing maintenance to the DD who is at college. A regular supportive amount from a supportive father. But that’s not what is being proposed. He’ll throw them the odd crumb if they ask for it and if he decides to be generous.
It’s a depressingly common attitude. But men get away with it so it won’t ever change.
I am so grateful to be married to a decent man who continues to support his ‘adult’ kids because it’s the right thing to do.

My parents gave me money when I needed it. This wasn’t about giving me crumbs. It was about giving me what I needed and not leaving me short (they were overseas and struggled to see how much I needed).

Giving money when you need it can actually be very generous. I still think, from my experience, that it’s better to know how much you will get. But that’s a very different issue

CostadelCovid

You are very strong and positive and, I'm sure, could give a lot of tips to young people on how to be resilient and effective.

@PurelyRidiculous

He’s proposing giving them money ‘when they need it’ Presumably on his terms and if he thinks it’s for a ‘deserving’ reason

Is this not what most parents do? I have borrowed money off my parents when I needed it at that age. They didn't give me a set regular amount, because I was an adult responsible for myself

She’s a STUDENT

No mention of mums attitude and lack of contribution for dd. Funny that.’

Who do you think will be supporting DD 100% when daddy pulls the plug? She’s a STUDENT.

@Doublefaced

No mention of mums attitude and lack of contribution for dd. Funny that.’

Who do you think will be supporting DD 100% when daddy pulls the plug? She’s a STUDENT.

She lives with someone else and works too. What makes you think mum contributes?

‘Yes you’ve got the only good man out there. All the others are shits. Yes we know’

There are lots of good men out there. Their wives tend not to post on MN to validate their decisions to stop fulfilling their financial obligations to their kids the day they turn 18.

@Doublefaced

‘Yes you’ve got the only good man out there. All the others are shits. Yes we know’

There are lots of good men out there. Their wives tend not to post on MN to validate their decisions to stop fulfilling their financial obligations to their kids the day they turn 18.

Or not as the case may be here.

@Diverseopinions

CostadelCovid

You are very strong and positive and, I'm sure, could give a lot of tips to young people on how to be resilient and effective.

Wow thank you. The words have struck a chord with me - I've never thought of it like that. I'm at a career crossroads at present (can't continue in my pre-parenting career as now a lone parent) so perhaps you might be onto something there.... Thank you xxx