Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

I personally think, OP, that enjoying rough sex is only healthy when you feel good about yourself and it’s a sort of role-play.

In your situation, where you’re at risk of using sex as a form of self harm, I’d advise that you learn to become comfortable with the sort of sex that is all about treating you well, first. Sex that feels loving. Anything demeaning- be that names, smacking, positions you don’t like, is not ok. Sounds like this sort of sex might be a new concept to your DH as well. Maybe try and learn this together.

Once you are okay with ‘non kinky’ sex, you can brach back out to the slapping etc if it’s something you still think you’d enjoy at that point.

@BiBabbles
Very insightful post.

I wouldnt be too worried about the names but surely he realises it causes pain and therefore would not do this to someone he loves

From reading this I feel sad. I was like you and was sexually abused when I was young and became a toy for harmful men because my worth was so low, CBT helped me massively. Self destruction is not good.

I would take sex off the table for now completely and slowly build up with it, start with even just massage, foreplay and build up over time. I think both you and your partner need to communicate fully and I think therapy with you and both of you together will help. If you both can’t do that healthily then you need to leave the relationship and work on yourself.

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, you don’t enjoy it. He needs to stop doing it!

@televino

It sounds like you both "do sex" in a way that you feel you are expected to (through porn etc), rather than exploring your sexuality for yourself.

Check out some stuff on tantric sex.

Its kindof a fun way to explore, very focussed on connection and sensation rather than "traditional sex".

why do you continue to use a positiona that hurts you? Tell him it hurts and refuse .

There’s not much help out there for autistic children,never mind autistic adults ..
Autism causes communication difficulties,as you know ,and it can cause confusion within the person as well..not having a strong personality,can mean you adapt to the person you like ,and their likes and dislikes can become yours ...which can feel confusing,when like you say ,you are having sex in a position he likes ,but which causes you pain..which it sounds like that might have happened with your sex life.
Some people don’t like sex
That’s ok ,you don’t have to have sex.
There a lot of books on Amazon about autism,in women ..
and lots have chapters on looking after our sexual health,and mental health
You can look through the chapters before you buy ,to see if you think it will help.
It’s easy to get fixed ideas with autism ,that are hard to change .
I know a number of people with autism and sex just does not feature highly in their needs or wants ...
I wonder if it is worth finding a counsellor who has a lot of experience with autism in women..might be like a needle in a haystack ..but you might get lucky ..
But I think youve got stuck mentally..and you need some help to unstick..some help to figure you out and what your wants and needs are ..I suspect you are just having sex because he wants it ,and even when you initiate it ,it’s because you feel you should ,not because you want to ,but because you feel you have to ,as you think he’s a right to sex ,and if not he may leave .
I would suggest you should stop having sex for now and start to work out what makes you happy ,and what you want out of life ...
Good luck xx

A woman can only be a feminist if she obeys your checklist of acceptable things in sex?

A feminist is never okay with being called a wh**e!

I know there are different generations of us but this transcends that IMO and if your values are part time, are they really values?

There’s another thread on here about filthy men using creepy sex dolls. People aren’t just saying “oh well it’s okay if it’s in their private time”. If they are disturbed in the bedroom, they are disturbed full stop, and feminism isn’t a part time endeavour either surely?

There is no yes or no to this question OP.

If you don’t enjoy it, tell him and out an end to it.

Personally that’s what I’m into so I see it as YABU; but that’s not taking into account your history.
YANBU if it effects you negatively.

Not normal op. Sending hugs to you x

I think I probably give out mixed messages by consenting to the painful position for his satisfaction.

I was wondering that myself. Saying it's painful/uncomfortable but then initiating it (I know you do it because you want to please) is s bit confusing. He might not understand you doing it to please in spite of it being painful. I doubt many guys would do things to please sexually that are painful for them, so maybe he thinks it couldn't be actually painful or is mostly lot or something along those lines.

He never slapped youvduring sex again after you said you didn't like it so that seems to suggests he is not purposefully trampling over your preferences.

Just stop initiating doggy and see what he does. If he ever tries to do it, reiterate it's painful for you and leave if at that. If he accepts that then good. If not, that's s different story.

There are other positions besides the missionary you mentioned and foggy. Spoons can be really nice. Maybe you on top etc.

Re the namd calling, as above - tell him you don't like it, it's not your thing and see if he stops.

The one previous partner and his behaviour sound like he's been influenced by porn (slapping, name calling etc). If you tell.him you don't enjoy it and he stops like with the slapping, then great. If not ... You'll have to reconsider everything.

*mostly not

A feminist is never okay with being called a whore

I agree, it's very difficult to conflate the two. A man calling a woman a whore is saying you are dirty, disgusting and one of the lowest, most vulnerable and abused female members of society. And he's saying it just because you are willing to have and enjoy sex. Sounds pretty anti feminist to me.

In general you need (and k don't think you're alone in this ; I know I had similar feelings when I was younger) to get out if the mindset that sex is for you to please & impress.

It's not, it's for both of you to enjoy.

If you like feeling submissive during sex sometimes like many women seem to; there are ways of doing that without anything being painful.

A sure sign of internalised misogyny and sex moves learnt from porn culture.

Oh absolutely. It's a young woman's thing (NAYW) - and sadly many of them just don't have the intellectual curiosity to wonder why women who came of age BEFORE porn was everywhere don't usually feel the same need to be slapped, spat at, choked or called a whore in bed.

A feminist is never okay with being called a whe!
I know there are different generations of us but this transcends that IMO and if your values are part time, are they really values?

It’s not that values are part time, it is the fact that there is context. Some feminists like hearing dirty talk when having sex. They get pleasure from being called a whore or slut while having sex with their partner. And who are you to dictate and shame them about what they like? Who are you to judge them as “not feminist” because they don’t pass your value purity test. You start drawing up a list of things a “pure feminist” can and cannot enjoy in the bedroom and where does it end? Sally comes along as says, you can’t be a feminist if you are okay with being blindfolded....on the list it goes. It’s just ridiculous. Women’s liberation and feminism is about liberating every woman to demand and get what she wants, not what you think she should want. What you think is palatable and pure. There is no sense over-turning a patriarchy if we are just going to replace it with a matriarchy of prudes who require “no profanity” in the bedroom.

A feminist is never okay with being called a whore

I'm a rabid feminist, and I actually can't say for sure that that that is true. I don't like dirty talk or being called names at all, buf j can't say that a woman who does, during sex, cannot be a feminist.

White in that context doesn't usually mean a woman who takes momey for sex, it usually means a woman whomis promiscuous. And both sexes are capable of having sexual fantasies and arousal about women (and men for that matter) being promiscuous. It's obvious one of the weird little things that features in our varied, and sometimes perverse, sexuality.

So if a woman has that sexual fantasy, about herself or others and has it with s partner purely during sex ...
Can she really not be a feminist in her life in general? Seems like she could be to me.

And don’t trot out the old trope that the only women who like dirty talk during sex are the poor dears who have been brainwashed by the patriarchy and need to be rescued from their own folly.

@Lorw

From reading this I feel sad. I was like you and was sexually abused when I was young and became a toy for harmful men because my worth was so low, CBT helped me massively. Self destruction is not good.

I would take sex off the table for now completely and slowly build up with it, start with even just massage, foreplay and build up over time. I think both you and your partner need to communicate fully and I think therapy with you and both of you together will help. If you both can’t do that healthily then you need to leave the relationship and work on yourself.

This is very good advice from someone, who understands and has been abused. Thank you Lowr

Please stop abusing yourself.

In any case, thus is obviously a slight derail .. op doesn't like and isn't turned on by being called names like that during sex ... so she should make that clear to her and he should stop. It sounds (hopefully) like he would.

It also sounds like he's been brainwashed by porn, has had little relationship sexual and needs to wise up about what's normal and what most women enjoy.

Hello op.

If you don’t like doggy or being called names then tell your partner and they should stop doing it. It’s that simple.

The other stuff is less simple but I’m gonna say that:

1. you have trauma from your past
2. you have a history of self harm
3. you like pain during sex
4. you’d benefit from counselling

Is number 3 correct? Do you find pain sexually arousing?

I feel like your dumping the four things together in your actions and your thoughts. There’s a difference between being aroused by pain during sex and using sex to self harm. You can have a loving relationship with consensual and safe use of pain for sexual pleasure. It takes good communication between the partners (which you seem to be struggling with) so I’m not advising you to go straight into experimenting with pain play during sex. But it might be worth considering that liking pain during sex is a fairly standard kink.

I think he is doing what he likes best. Maybe he thinks you like it too ,as you are bringing this position about .Lots of people enjoy different things in Sex .No rights or wrongs here .But you must tell him if you are not comfortable .If he still carries on then obv dump him ,if not then you will both have a happier and more comfortable Sex Life!

Feminism doesn't mean 'liberating every woman to demand and get what she wants'. How bizarre. I've never heard that before.
Anyway, no.

Most feminists look at a societal context to everything affecting women's lives - so we don't pretend there hasn't been a massive pornification of modern culture since 2000 ish - and much of that porn demonstrates violence acts against woman.

*little relationship sexual experience