Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[BiBabbles]

It is very much possible - but it's going to take work to step back and relearn yourself.

It's going to take accepting your reality shit happened that was out of your control that you should have been protected from, you've been let down, hurt and betrayed and then also accepting you're an adult now and have the opportunity and responsibility to teach yourself better. It may take some help - there are resources specifically for survivors of child abuse in and out of therapy, but you have your own role to play and you have to take it if things are going to get better.

I've given actions in my previous posts so I won't rehash it, but if you keep identifying with what happened and not who you could be beyond that... It's no good to be just another adult who betrays you or to let your partner be one too because you're so afraid of more rejection that you can't talk to him about resetting your physical relationship and how his language affects you. You both deserve better.

[Sinful8]

"By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc"

Is it possible from your history hes doing this because he thinks you like it?

Might just be a simple wrong end of the stick thing and simple conversation will sort it out.

[username888765]

There's always an option OP. You're now talking about the BDSM/Kink community seemingly to justify self harming behaviour. You could stop having harmful sex you don't enjoy. This conversation is just going around in circles. Whenever anyone suggests a strategy like therapy, you say you've already tried it and it doesn't work yet what you're doing doesn't work either.

You've been given links to self harming helplines and forums. DBT has been suggested, which is usually recommended for self harm. You can learn strategies to help you cope with your compulsions better. Learn assertiveness skills and better communication. Learn how to better recognise and assert boundaries. This all takes work, no one thinks it's going to be easy. But it's better than what you're doing now.

[Wheresmykimchi]

Leave your man, or at least stop having sex.

Ignore the whole community, they are not you. I don't agree with that community one bit, but they themselves would tell you you need to do it safely.

There is a whole community who thinks being blitzed on vodka at 10am is OK, that taking drugs, that self harming is, that starving yourself is, etc etc etc. Doesn't make it OK.

You need to stop engaging in harmful behaviour and for you that means stopping sex, for now, and get some help. Proper help.

[televino]

But you're not asking for strategies and things OP. You've asked specifically about the sex - in other words, how you can continue this self harm destructive sex and liking being abused but somehow "protect yourself" from it. You can't.

I don't know what I want to do, really. Ideally I'd like to not have any sexual damage or want bad things during sex, but that doesn't seem like an option so I'm kind of weighing up what I can do here. I know it probably seems much simpler from the outside but it's tricky when you're living it. Particularly as there's a whole community that does think wanting to be hurt during sex is OK. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with it, just saying it.

I've asked about the sex that's true but if anyone has any strategies that have worked for them so I don't need to ask about it, that would be very useful and appreciated.

[Wheresmykimchi]

But you're not asking for strategies and things OP. You've asked specifically about the sex - in other words, how you can continue this self harm destructive sex and liking being abused but somehow "protect yourself" from it. You can't.

[Vehivle]

Hey - just to say - in response to your original question of "is this healthy?" Honestly, I believe I am in a very wholesome (vanilla) loving relationship. During sex I have never been called a whore or slut or any names - even in jest. I 100% wouldnt find it funny or like it at all if he said anything like that during sex. And we dont do things that hurt me. We have "tried" things of course. Like all men I imagine, my husband watched porn as a teenager and so anal/doggy were things he was definitely up for trying. But after it was quickly established to be uncomfortable and painful for me (we didnt even get him in for the anal! Massive fail) he lost interest and never bothered asking me again because it excites him most when I am excited. If I'm not into it, he doesnt enjoy it. Which I think is how it should be. If a man is happy just getting his rocks off, whilst knowing it is uncomfortable for you - he strikes me as a sexually selfish man who doesnt deserve to have sex with you. And if he is actually knowingly cause you pain! That's a whole new level of low! When I've been hurt during sex accidentally- my partner instantly lost his boner because seeing me in pain was the complete opposite of a turn on for him. I also feel like that's normal.

I know some people do enjoy bdsm in sex and that can be loving too. I'm just saying from my experience- I'm very open about my sexual desires and preferences with my partner. I tell him my fantasies, how I like to be finished off and he goes out of his way to ensure I get a great experience every time and orgasm at the end. That brings him the most satisfaction - seeing me enjoy it. He would never enjoy something that caused me discomfort, let alone pain and he would never call me derogatory names to get turned on let alone spank me or hit me. And I think if I expressed a desire for that, he'd be very hesitant to do it lol! Essentially we are hugely vanilla people but I'm glad! Way before kids we did the whole blind folding, tying up, massage with oils stuff. But those were the young days! With kids now - cant be assed with all that stuff. Lazy spooning sex with cuddles before sleep is all I need these days.

[televino]

Thank you, @8obbingabout, I appreciate your kindness. 🖤
I'm trying to get my head around the idea that I'm supposed to enjoy it, as odd as that sounds.

[televino]

Learning strategies to intercept and divert the self harm compulsion OP. You seem to expect someone to swoop in and save you but that ain't going to happen, you need to save yourself.

I think this is an unfair assumption. I've been scrabbling tooth and nail for the past ten years with coping mechanisms, therapy, medication, self help books, distractions etc. It's not getting easier to cope. I understand if that makes me seem whingey or defeatist, which at this point I probably am, but it's taken me a lot of pain to get this worn down.

You've had lots and lots of advice on here, so perhaps you could re read and look into implementing some of it.

I have and will, and am genuinely grateful to those who have provided advice. Truly. I will work on implementing what I can.
But please don't assume that I'm oblivious to the fact I need to do this for myself, I've been trying to do it for a long time.

[8obbingabout]

Hi OP

You have clearly been through a traumatic time and I'm sorry for this.

Please know that Sex should be enjoyable for both people involved. If he is doing/saying something during sex that you do not enjoy or feel pain then you need to tell him or he will not know.

If he truly loves and respects you he will not want to do/say anything to you that hurt you or did not want.

[username888765]

Learning strategies to intercept and divert the self harm compulsion OP. You seem to expect someone to swoop in and save you but that ain't going to happen, you need to save yourself.

Therapists and specialists can only do so much, they can't cure you so to speak. The path to recovery and healing is slow and hard work and it's work only you can do.

If you don't learn how to assert yourself, then you're going to continue to have your boundaries trampled.

If you don't learn strategies to deal with the impulse to self harm then you are going to continue to self harm.

You've had lots and lots of advice on here, so perhaps you could re read and look into implementing some of it.

[televino]

And for heavens sake - if it hurts and you don’t like it being painful - shout ‘ow’ ‘too much/not that’ and he stops.
This isn’t complex. V simples

If I had the capacity to stop it then I would, but I always need something on the backburner when it comes to self harm. I'm not sure what you advise?

[Wheresmykimchi]

@eightxmaspaws

And for heavens sake - if it hurts and you don’t like it being painful - shout ‘ow’ ‘too much/not that’ and he stops.
This isn’t complex. V simples

It is.

Op is a self harmer

She tolerates if as she likes the pain. It's massively complex.

[BubblyBarbara]

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.

Amen. I realised this a couple of years ago after my husband died and it wasn't actually that bad.

[eightxmaspaws]

And for heavens sake - if it hurts and you don’t like it being painful - shout ‘ow’ ‘too much/not that’ and he stops.
This isn’t complex. V simples

[eightxmaspaws]

Er he’d be out the door if I was called that!
“You’re so beautiful’ is more like it!
No way is some man objectifying/sluttifying me. Who the duck does he think he is?

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

If he called me a whore it would be the last sex he had with me. Same if he asked for a position he knew hurt me.

[CaraDuneRedux]

profsillystuff - yes, I read it as you accusing OP of being a narcissist. If you were saying women are often socially pressured into people-pleasing narcissistic men that makes more sense.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@ProfessorSillyStuff

Sorry you guys don't like my opinion, but I was not trying to upset you, OP.

I was only saying what I wish someone had told me when I was young and I thought pleasing my bf in bed was my duty and/or I'd be abandoned if there was no sex. I wish I'd seen it for what it was. That guy never loved me, because he wasn't capable of loving anyone, and I got sucked into his narcissism, becoming as much of a waste of space as he was, because my every thought was about pleasing him and not about making a contribution to the world.

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.
It's not gonna save the world. It's good exercise, that's about it.

Right....I think OP thinks you were calling her a narcissist. That's how I read it.

[Hotzenplotz]

I'm so sorry OP . He sounds horrendous.

[VallarMorghulis]

Hi OP, look into dialectical behaviour therapy. It's the only thing that helped with my DC's self-harm.

I'm not going to add to all the excellent advice you've had, I'd only be repeating what others have said. I hope you find peace OP

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

Sorry you guys don't like my opinion, but I was not trying to upset you, OP.

I was only saying what I wish someone had told me when I was young and I thought pleasing my bf in bed was my duty and/or I'd be abandoned if there was no sex. I wish I'd seen it for what it was. That guy never loved me, because he wasn't capable of loving anyone, and I got sucked into his narcissism, becoming as much of a waste of space as he was, because my every thought was about pleasing him and not about making a contribution to the world.

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.
It's not gonna save the world. It's good exercise, that's about it.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN

I think if 100% depends on the people involved. I had an ex who was big into the dirty talk and I loved it at the time- he was confident, could sort of “pull it off” and it just worked. He was a tit in a lot of ways but a bit of sexualised filthy language worked in that context wasn’t a problem and worked for us.

However my husband has never been like that- just not his sexual style at all- so if he suddenly started doing that I wouldn’t like it because it’s just not how we communicate.

So it’s up to you really- doesn’t really matter if it’s normal. If you like it, crack on. If you don’t, tell him. You should be able to communicate with the person you’re sleeping with (and married to!)

But OPs thought processes aren't healthy or normal so this doesn't work.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, 5 years is nothing! Trauma and ingrained feelings and behaviours can take a very long time to understand, deal with and recover from.

You already know it is unhealthy. That in itself is very healthy! Just take the first step to stop the harm. That is an act of self care that you totally deserve to make and have

[TriflePudding]

I had an ex who was big into the dirty talk and I loved it at the time...He was a tit in a lot of ways...

I think this sentence is actually very illuminating! Men that get off on degrading women aren’t good men.