Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[BiBabbles]

There are many different types of therapy, and it may be that you need time away from that if talking about it just dysregulates you. Personally, for childhood trauma, I'm a bit fan of Anna Runkle/The Crappy Childhood Fairy's work on learning reregulation outside of therapy. There are a lot of things we can do for ourselves, though it's easier if we have someone who will hold us accountable which good therapists can be.

Sexual response is complicated. Part of it biological - arousal non-condordance to stimuli, where there is a disconnect in how our body reacts and how we feel about it, can be a big issue. Part of it is our experience - through doing acts we learn to associate those things with responsiveness and orgasm. This part can be retrained, but it takes conscious effort not to fall back into old patterns of what we "should" and accepting it's going to take time to relearn ourselves and what pleasure means to us.

You're very worried about him leaving you because you won't do certain intimate acts. That's normal with the experiences you describe, but any decent partner would take your concerns seriously and allow you time to relearn yourself -- and it sounds to me he may need some time to relearn too if you're going to be compatible. Part of a long term sexual relationship if working through sexual issues and learning how to sexually compatible with each other through all the changes in life.

You deserve time to relearn your pleasure and a partner who will learn to be compatible with you, you don't want to be ten, twenty years from now still feeling that you've no clue about what you want and in fear of your partner leaving because of it, it'll just make those patterns harder to break from.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@televino

OP liking to be hurt does not mean it's acceptable, normal , healthy or that she doesn't need serious help.

This is true, but I just want to make it clear I don't want to hit or hurt anyone else in anyway. This is in sole response to myself, I'm not a danger to anybody else. x

I didn't say that OP.

I'm referring to people saying the hurting is OK because you think you like it.

It isn't

[televino]

I'm referring to people saying the hurting is OK because you think you like it.

I know don't worry, I'm just adding that as I don't want it to come across that way!

[Wheresmykimchi]

@Franklyfrost

She's a damaged and broken woman who thinks she needs to be abused by men. Take that damaging talk elsewhere.

[Wheresmykimchi]

OP I would say worrying about sex is the opposite of narcissistic

[Seasaltyhair]

OP if the trauma you suffered as a child was sexual abuse and he knows about it he is massively out of order. He absolutely should not be saying shit like that to you.

You don’t have to have sex at all. You really don’t. If you want a break from it - have a break.

You doing positions to appease him when you don’t like them will be another chip off your self esteem and worth. If missionary is all you like then that it. You and your body come first before his.

I wish I could give you a massive hug x

[mswales]

Hi OP, have you ever had any counselling from someone experienced in sexual abuse? It sounds from everything you've said that if you want to get to a point of enjoying healthy sex then you could really benefit from that kind of help. They are very well-placed to deal with the impact of all kinds of abuse on self-worth and sexuality.

[televino]

Hi OP, have you ever had any counselling from someone experienced in sexual abuse? It sounds from everything you've said that if you want to get to a point of enjoying healthy sex then you could really benefit from that kind of help. They are very well-placed to deal with the impact of all kinds of abuse on self-worth and sexuality.

I've dealt with counsellors experienced in sexual abuse, childhood trauma, depression & anxiety, autism, physical & abuse etc. But I've not managed to find anyone who specialises in all of these things and without one aspect you lose quite a lot of the bigger picture.

E.g. I went to a counsellor for therapy when I was 11ish for self harm, who said "that's just a teenage hormonal thing, you'll grow out of that with time". Which obviously wasn't correct. And similarly, I think counsellors are fantastic for people who don't know where their traumas or damage lays (or why they behave like they do) but when it comes to actual resolution with patients who know what the issues are it's less efficient - at least from personal experience.

So yes, I may look for a sexual abuse experienced counsellor, but I've had a few previously and it's not necessarily been more helpful, unfortunately.

I wish I could give you a massive hug x

Thank you, SeaSalty internet hug

OP I would say worrying about sex is the opposite of narcissistic

And yes, I think if I were a narcissist it would be a lot more along the lines of "I'm such a fantastic shag, bow down peasants"

[BendyLikeBeckham]

15 to 16 isn't that long ago if you are in your early 20s. You didn't seek it out and therefore consent to it. You were already damaged and were somehow punishing yourself, which you seem to be stuck doing even now.

Your relationship with sex is fucked up, to coin a phrase. You really do need to understand why and stopping the unhealthy habit of pleasing your DH when it is painful and degrading is the first step.

He also needs to get his head out of the porn induced fallacy that hurting and humiliating you when you don't like it is OK.

Start by telling him today that you don't like it and don't want to do it again. If he does it another time, then he really isn't the right partner for you right now.

[AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN]

I think if 100% depends on the people involved. I had an ex who was big into the dirty talk and I loved it at the time- he was confident, could sort of “pull it off” and it just worked. He was a tit in a lot of ways but a bit of sexualised filthy language worked in that context wasn’t a problem and worked for us.

However my husband has never been like that- just not his sexual style at all- so if he suddenly started doing that I wouldn’t like it because it’s just not how we communicate.

So it’s up to you really- doesn’t really matter if it’s normal. If you like it, crack on. If you don’t, tell him. You should be able to communicate with the person you’re sleeping with (and married to!)

[televino]

15 to 16 isn't that long ago if you are in your early 20s. You didn't seek it out and therefore consent to it. You were already damaged and were somehow punishing yourself, which you seem to be stuck doing even now.

About 5 years, but I guess I thought I would have healed a lot more during that time. If I could find something that was as good as self destruction then I could channel my compulsiveness into that, I've just not really found anything yet.

My parents have a lot to answer for hahaha (if this thread is anything to go by, go and give your daughters a cuddle if you have any!)

[televino]

and sons **, give everyone a cuddle haha

[TriflePudding]

I had an ex who was big into the dirty talk and I loved it at the time...He was a tit in a lot of ways...

I think this sentence is actually very illuminating! Men that get off on degrading women aren’t good men.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, 5 years is nothing! Trauma and ingrained feelings and behaviours can take a very long time to understand, deal with and recover from.

You already know it is unhealthy. That in itself is very healthy! Just take the first step to stop the harm. That is an act of self care that you totally deserve to make and have

[Wheresmykimchi]

@AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN

I think if 100% depends on the people involved. I had an ex who was big into the dirty talk and I loved it at the time- he was confident, could sort of “pull it off” and it just worked. He was a tit in a lot of ways but a bit of sexualised filthy language worked in that context wasn’t a problem and worked for us.

However my husband has never been like that- just not his sexual style at all- so if he suddenly started doing that I wouldn’t like it because it’s just not how we communicate.

So it’s up to you really- doesn’t really matter if it’s normal. If you like it, crack on. If you don’t, tell him. You should be able to communicate with the person you’re sleeping with (and married to!)

But OPs thought processes aren't healthy or normal so this doesn't work.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

Sorry you guys don't like my opinion, but I was not trying to upset you, OP.

I was only saying what I wish someone had told me when I was young and I thought pleasing my bf in bed was my duty and/or I'd be abandoned if there was no sex. I wish I'd seen it for what it was. That guy never loved me, because he wasn't capable of loving anyone, and I got sucked into his narcissism, becoming as much of a waste of space as he was, because my every thought was about pleasing him and not about making a contribution to the world.

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.
It's not gonna save the world. It's good exercise, that's about it.

[VallarMorghulis]

Hi OP, look into dialectical behaviour therapy. It's the only thing that helped with my DC's self-harm.

I'm not going to add to all the excellent advice you've had, I'd only be repeating what others have said. I hope you find peace OP

[Hotzenplotz]

I'm so sorry OP . He sounds horrendous.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@ProfessorSillyStuff

Sorry you guys don't like my opinion, but I was not trying to upset you, OP.

I was only saying what I wish someone had told me when I was young and I thought pleasing my bf in bed was my duty and/or I'd be abandoned if there was no sex. I wish I'd seen it for what it was. That guy never loved me, because he wasn't capable of loving anyone, and I got sucked into his narcissism, becoming as much of a waste of space as he was, because my every thought was about pleasing him and not about making a contribution to the world.

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.
It's not gonna save the world. It's good exercise, that's about it.

Right....I think OP thinks you were calling her a narcissist. That's how I read it.

[CaraDuneRedux]

profsillystuff - yes, I read it as you accusing OP of being a narcissist. If you were saying women are often socially pressured into people-pleasing narcissistic men that makes more sense.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

If he called me a whore it would be the last sex he had with me. Same if he asked for a position he knew hurt me.

[eightxmaspaws]

Er he’d be out the door if I was called that!
“You’re so beautiful’ is more like it!
No way is some man objectifying/sluttifying me. Who the duck does he think he is?

[eightxmaspaws]

And for heavens sake - if it hurts and you don’t like it being painful - shout ‘ow’ ‘too much/not that’ and he stops.
This isn’t complex. V simples

[BubblyBarbara]

Sex honestly is not necessary to a fulfilling life. Neither is having a boyfriend. Both are just distractions and mostly a waste of time.

Amen. I realised this a couple of years ago after my husband died and it wasn't actually that bad.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@eightxmaspaws

And for heavens sake - if it hurts and you don’t like it being painful - shout ‘ow’ ‘too much/not that’ and he stops.
This isn’t complex. V simples

It is.

Op is a self harmer

She tolerates if as she likes the pain. It's massively complex.