Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[televino]

You clearly are still using sex as a self harm behaviour when you are actively initiating a position that you know causes you pain or makes you feel uncomfortable.

I know, I just can't stop. I think I am at fault here.

Does he know that the position you don’t like hurts? And why are you initiating it? Do you feel you have to.

Yes, he knows it hurts and is uncomfortable. The position is doggy, I was going to skirt around it as the name is quite gross, but it's very physically uncomfortable for me. I think, yes, I do feel like I have to do it. Not by force from him, but because it seems like the right / loving thing to do.

[ForTheLoveOfCatFood]

It’s more normal = it’s not normal

[Quartz2208]

THis is so sad OP there to me is a disconnect between a lovely DH and how he treats you during sex.

I cant work out if it is an actual disconnect that you can communicate to him that you dont like or if it is a problem with him in general not being the lovely man.

I am sorry to say i suspect the latter - you shouldnt need to initiate it and he certainly knowing you are in pain shouldnt be saying yes.

I think you still have issues around sex and what you should be doing and he is feeding into that - it seems both of you see it as a way for him to get pleasure - what about YOU where are your needs in any of this. Your need to be treated with care and affection in sex and not as sex doll.

In many ways OP he is worse than the men you were with before as he is suppose to love you

[Thelnebriati]

I wonder how lovely he would be if you said 'no' to him about something he really cared about getting.

Its common for women who are in recovery to realise they are in a relationship with a man who isn't that lovely after all.

[WiseOwlRelaxing]

Well, that is an obvious turn off.

What a sick fucker he is.

I would call it a day with this man as the BEST case scenario is that he has some kind of madonna whore complex but if he's calling you a whore and a slut, then you are different pages.

Don't square up for this.

You can never meet anybody who will make love while you stay with this. I know that words ''make love'' are a bit cheezey but seriously I've dated some right losers who turned out to be weak/cowards/narcissist but none of them made me feel like a whore while we were actually having sex.

[partyatthepalace]

It would be fine if you both enjoyed it. It’s not fine if you don’t. Given the issues you have had OP I am slightly surprised that he would use this kind of language without a real discussion with you. However, it may just be a habit for him or whatever.

Anyway, it is not normal to do anything sexually you don’t want to, but in particular anything that could impact on your self esteem, and even more when you are in recovery.

So can you sit down with them and explain this is not something you are comfortable with and it will not help your recovery, so you need to find other things to do - you could make what you would like to do part of the discussion. In terms of the position that doesn’t work for you, either just say that too - or could it be adjusted so it did - eg if he didn’t penetrate as far?

[televino]

Are you getting support for your MH and trauma?

I've had therapy on and off since I was 11ish (which hasn't been especially helpful yet but I live in hope). I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications sometimes, but I'm off them now as I'd be depressed in lockdown either way and they cause some side effects.

Seeking support has not been especially effective, I'll be honest.

[MissBaskinIfYoureNasty]

Lovely men don't degrade their partners or encourage them to perform acts they're uncomfortable with you have set the bar so low.

[feelingsadtoday2021]

But it can be really painful please don't put yourself through this just to please him

I do understand I have been there

[DigitalChristmas]

@HowManyToes

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

This 100%

[Quartz2208]

Do you get any support from him. If it is something you think you should do that is a power inbalance in your relationship OP.

He shouldnt be calling you these names or saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable

[FippertyGibbett]

You need to have a conversation about what you are happy to do, and what you don’t want to do.
If he can’t accept your boundaries then he’s not the one for you.

[televino]

So can you sit down with them and explain this is not something you are comfortable with and it will not help your recovery, so you need to find other things to do - you could make what you would like to do part of the discussion. In terms of the position that doesn’t work for you, either just say that too - or could it be adjusted so it did - eg if he didn’t penetrate as far?

I don't know if I even know what I would like to do. I don't know why, I have no desire to have any kind of sexual satisfaction. Sounds pretty fucked when I say it like that, but it's true - if it were a case of "I want x but you won't give it to me" then I may have had an easier time of speaking to him about it, but there's nothing I want really.

[Tarantallegra]

It doesn't matter in the slightest whether this is normal or not. What matters is what you are comfortable with and what you enjoy. You deserve to be respected so you need to communicate how you feel about this, if he cares about you he should listen and respect your boundaries.

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

This sounds horrible OP.
Are you able to discuss it with him?

[partyatthepalace]

I just saw your update OP and if he knows this position hurts you then that is a total red flag - there is nothing loving about wanting to hurt someone during sex.

It’s also concerning that you say it’s your fault. It is not. You are doing your best to manage life, so please know that.

Are you getting some support for your recovery? If not, can you sort some quickly?

And tell your partner that you are going to stop doing things that don’t work for you right now. You may decide as you recover that it’s time to move on from him.

[NotSure94]

The painful sex is not on, and name calling if you're not into it us not on. Dirty talk in the bedroom isn't necessary a bad thing but you both have to be into it.

[SparklePiggy]

Sex isnt about what's normal, it really doesn't apply. It's about what you enjoy doing with a partner (or multiple partners!).

You're allowed to like something with one person that you don't like with your husband. You're allowed to change your mind/stop enjoying something at any time.

Don't fixate on what other people do or don't do. Consider how something makes you feel, if it makes you feel badly then don't do it.

[televino]

Do you get any support from him. If it is something you think you should do that is a power inbalance in your relationship OP.

He is incredibly affectionate, takes care of me in a lot of ways and genuinely seems very in love with me. I'm autistic so I struggle with some tasks, which he picks up the brunt of quite often and I usually feel like his top priority.

He's not great with serious conversations though, he usually has a few usual responses (e.g. "I'm sorry to hear that", "how can I help?") being the two main ones which makes it hard to communicate my feelings as the conversation doesn't seem to go anywhere. He is nice though, I know it sounds the opposite from this specific issue but he is lovely.

[WiseOwlRelaxing]

@Thelnebriati

I wonder how lovely he would be if you said 'no' to him about something he really cared about getting.

Its common for women who are in recovery to realise they are in a relationship with a man who isn't that lovely after all.

This is so true. I escaped from an abusive man and the next few boyfriends I had were a bit iffy. They were all slight improvements on their predecessor but still.

BF 1 was hyper sensitive and used to get offended so easily and would tell me what he thought I thought so I had to defend myself against not only what I actually thought but what he thought I thought.

I walked away when I saw this pattern

BF2 after my abusive ex, he was so spiritual, blah blah blah, into kabalah and what not and he told me I was as free as I wanted to be. God the bullshit. He just used me as a girlfriend with no accountability whatsoever. He wanted me there for HIM but he was not there for me, but because he was so softly spoken and in to eastern philosophies and religions I didn't see it immediately. He wasn't an obvious player.

I walked away when I saw it.

BF3, I only ended up with him because I thought he was a bit of a bad boy. i was wrong. His biker jacket didn't make him a player. He turned out to respect me, to have sisters who were single parents and he held the loser fathers responsible and had so much admiration for his sisters. he had really good boundaries. But he never did anybody any harm. Take no shit and do no harm, it was natural as breathing to him. Covid has put a wedge between us but it takes a while to retrain yourself to get turned off by low self-esteem.

[SparklePiggy]

@televino

So can you sit down with them and explain this is not something you are comfortable with and it will not help your recovery, so you need to find other things to do - you could make what you would like to do part of the discussion. In terms of the position that doesn’t work for you, either just say that too - or could it be adjusted so it did - eg if he didn’t penetrate as far?

I don't know if I even know what I would like to do. I don't know why, I have no desire to have any kind of sexual satisfaction. Sounds pretty fucked when I say it like that, but it's true - if it were a case of "I want x but you won't give it to me" then I may have had an easier time of speaking to him about it, but there's nothing I want really.

Would you like to feel close/intimate with him? Would you like to feel secure and loved? Would you like to feel emotionally and physically connected?

[televino]

Are you getting some support for your recovery? If not, can you sort some quickly?

I was in counselling / therapy for a while (years in fact) but it's not been efficient in supporting self harm. Usually they just recommend the same methods that you read online, which are fine sometimes, but I've never felt therapy addressed the root of the problem. I don't even really know the complete root of the problem.

[partyatthepalace]

Cross posting again!

The thought about saying what you might want was just an extra point if relevant.

The main point is to tell him you won’t keep doing things you don’t enjoy.

But OP I notice again you are critical of yourself. It isn’t ‘fucked’ not to be interested in sex for a while, it’s very common.

I really do think you should sort out some counselling - you have made such great strides, you want to keep moving forward.

[Quartz2208]

Have you told him you dont like it though - is he particularly experienced or is he doing it because he thinks he should

[WiseOwlRelaxing]

@televino tell him ''the way you talk to me when we have sex is a turn off. It is disrespectful to women and to me. Therefore it turns me off and makes it hard for me to want to have sex with you''.

Then see how he responds.