Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

@televino

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Honestly, I think missionary requires less of me being actively involved (in the context of being wet) whereas doggy style feels a lot more tight and painful. I think the angle feels weird as well, for some reason.

Your body is telling you not to do this position. You are forcing yourself to keep doing it. It's not going to get any better, it's not going to hurt less by doing that.

Regardless of your background a man who not only continues to have sex when he knows it hurts you but can keep doing it, is not a healthy man for you.

@CaraDuneRedux

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

As I pointed out upthread it's not uncommon for women with retroverted uteruses to find it painful - I do.

OP has also said that she has a history of being abuse anally, so it could be any "from behind" position is just too traumatising for her mentally.

Many women I know simply don't like it because they find it dehumanising to be "taken from behind" with no eye contact.

Whatever the reason, it's fine not to like a particular sexual act for any reason whatsoever. Nor do women need "fixing" or need to "push past their mental issues" if they don't like a particular act even if 99.9 recurring percent of the female population loves it (and I'm always very wary of claims like that).

Never said it wasn't ok to not like a position

Goodness me.

@Wheresmykimchi
Basically anything you like is ok. Anything you don’t like is not ok.

And you replied that this is dangerous. Why? Isn’t sex supposed to be something we like? And if a partner is doing something we don’t like, it is not ok, right?

Why does your partner have no support network?
It’s like the blind leading the blind.

Neither of us have any family, and everything is in lockdown right now so I don't have any friends anymore (I had some a few years back but they were all mentally ill like me and their behaviour was bad for me). He has some casual friends from work, but nothing serious. Yes, I think we are two confused & complicated people trying to make it work.

Have you tried lube at all? As if you're not getting wet, most positions I would imagine wouldn't be great. Have you done and counseling or therapy together? That might help get on the same page regarding your history and how he can help with your recovery from harmful behavior

We have both tried lube, it doesn't improve much and I find I get quite a lot more UTIs even after taking necessary precautions (like peeing and showering after sex). We've done independent counselling but nothing together, can't find much in our local area that looks good that isn't expensive. Probably also have some internal stigmatisation about the type of people who go to sex counselling and I don't want to make myself feel more like a failure - I would never think this about someone else though, just myself.

But if I like being punched or burned or cut during sex I imagine (?) this would not be normal

I’ve never met a man or woman or heard of one that likes to be punched or cut during sex. I have known a few who like hot wax dribbled on them, but that’s not serious burning.

Normal is a wide spectrum and not really relevant to each individual. There is no rule as to what you “should” be doing during sex. For example, doggy style is liked by many but it causes you pain and discomfort, so you do not like it, so it should not be normal for you.

I’ve never met a man or woman or heard of one that likes to be punched or cut during sex. I have known a few who like hot wax dribbled on them, but that’s not serious burning.

Here I am. This is kind of what I mean though, what I have a sexual response to is not lined up with "normal" (which I use to mean safe, emotionally stable , loving sex) so I can't trust my own feelings in this context.

Honestly I could weep reading some of these replies, women’s boundaries have been so pushed and eroded and twisted that they think being called a whore and slut is the basis of a healthy sexual experience.

Being humiliated, being degraded, and/or being hurt during sex is not normal, and I’m sick of this push to make ladies think it’s acceptable by people saying it’s normal, it isn’t normal it’s abusive however you try and dress it up.

Ask yourself why women are being conditioned to find this kind of treatment acceptable.

@CaraDuneRedux

I'm also very wary of prude shaming too - usually goes along with a fuck tonne of internalised misogyny, a desperate needy effort to prove oneself a cool girl, and a shit load of victim blaming. Just stop!

What counts as normal does not matter.

All that matters is OP is forcing herself to do stuff/acquiesce in stuff she finds distressing, but for various psychological reasons finds it hard to say no to.

She does not need to be prude shamed into continuing to force herself to do stuff she doesn't want to do. She does not need to be reinforced in any mistaken view that she ought to be doing this stuff because apparently "other women love it."

She needs help building and maintaining healthy boundaries for her own sex life - not yours, not the majority of women's - her sex life.

Good post. My feeling is that OP has in the past simply dissociated while having sex. She’s never really let herself explore what feels good to her. Her partner may be in similar straits. My best advice is do not copy what you might have seen in porn. Porn is damaging and portrays really bad, uncomfortable sex.

Any man calling me a whore during sex would be out of the door with his trousers thrown after him. It’s beyond cringe, and so ‘faux sexy’.
“Oh yeah she’s really up for it, let’s me call her all sorts..” 🤮

A sure sign of internalised misogyny and sex moves learnt from porn culture. I feel so sorry for young girls today that they are growing into their sexuality thinking this is all they are worth.

In the gentlest way, OP, you need to find a well trained counsellor, someone who has experience of your issues and can help you find what YOU would like from sex, rather than just being a passive acceptor of whatever is ‘done TO you’.
Please protect your body, it needs to last you a life time. Causing you pain now could result in so many issues further down the line...

Alcoholics like drinking. Drug users like drugs. Abusers like punching people.

OP liking to be hurt does not mean it's acceptable, normal , healthy or that she doesn't need serious help.

As far as I can see you don’t enjoy sex at all for reasons of past trauma so you are tying yourself in knots trying to distinguish between “normal sex” (there’s no such thing) and bad damaging sex.

A PP mentioned the OMGyes website and another mentioned techniques that sex counsellors use (eg no penetration just stroking) and I do think that’s where you can best learn a little about your own pleasure. It won’t be easy, and it might be that you never do actually enjoy sex but it’s worth a try either alone or together to learn more about female pleasures from a feminist perspective.

OP liking to be hurt does not mean it's acceptable, normal , healthy or that she doesn't need serious help.

This is true, but I just want to make it clear I don't want to hit or hurt anyone else in anyway. This is in sole response to myself, I'm not a danger to anybody else. x

@honeylulu

This is so horrible. I may be narrow minded but derogatory name calling someone you love during sex seems so horrible. I dont mean all dirty talk (which isn't my thing my I get why some people like to vocalise their enthusiasm) but "slut" and "whore" are slang words for promiscuous and prostitute. I really don't understand why a man would say that to his wife unless he was a woman hater/misogynist . Those terms are expressions of disgust for "loose" women. Sadly some men do have the madonna/whore thing going on. They want to "have" you but if you "let" them then you're no better than a prostitute. Why would a man want to convey that to a woman he's supposed to love?

I think you need to speak up and say No. My theory is of it does not sit ok with you then it is not ok Other people's norms are irrelevant. You are not beneath or unworthy remember that.

what I have a sexual response to is not lined up with "normal" (which I use to mean safe, emotionally stable , loving sex) so I can't trust my own feelings in this context.

I would highly encourage you to seek professional sex counselling as you cannot trust your feelings. Because when you say “normal” as in “safe, emotionally stable, loving sex” that means something different to everyone who has sex and for me it is too narrow a description of the many types of good sex that are normal for me.

Of course it's ok for men to call their partner names their partner is into.

It’s “ok” in the context of their private relationship. But no woman who was okay with being called a slag/wh*e/bch/fl**r etc during sex can make any argument to being a feminist and they would have no time off me.

I think someone on here has already mentioned EMDR. I’d second that.

I don’t like doggy style. It used to cause me pain, it turned out I had a massive polyp on my cervix, I had it removed. Now doggy does not hurt , I just don’t like it. Judging by the amount of it in porn a lot of men love it.

I don't know if I even know what I would like to do. I don't know why, I have no desire to have any kind of sexual satisfaction. Sounds pretty fucked when I say it like that, but it's true.

I've also used sex as a method of sex harm and had a time period that could be described like this. It's a not uncommon response.

It reads to me that you've tried not having sex and then feeling you should have sex. The best recommendation I can give, which others have made, is to essentially restart your physical relationship and go slow enough that you can process what you like and you don't, what keeps you present and what pushes your thoughts away, which preferences change and practice communicating this in a way that suits you.

It's pretty common with self-harm habits to rush into the sex part, but for this you kinda want to picture all the steps we see in dating that work up to that - I grew up with the baseball metaphor of bases (though what each base represents depends on the telling), but you can also just make your own lists - what low intimacy things would you like to focus on trying, then medium, then high to what sex acts do you want to try - and learn how to be honest about what's working and what's not, what keeps your attention and what leads your mind to distract itself. As times go on, you may find during the day you feel like particular types or levels of intimacy, it's something you have to observe.

A good partner will be on board for this, and for hearing what you find out. Personally, from what I've read, you can probably already say that you dislike the name-calling - it's no surprise and not uncommon for that to lead to more negative thoughts which can make sense more undesirable. It may take a long time to get that third party feel out (I'm reminded of the bit from Atwood's The Robber Bride being one's own voyeur), but starting to be present and communicating it can help.

OP liking to be hurt does not mean it's acceptable, normal , healthy or that she doesn't need serious help.

I think it depends on the degree of being hurt imho. Some people like to have their nipples pinched during sex. Others like the hot wax. Some men like a bit of their hair pulled or having their back scratched with nails. Some women like a little spanking. These things are so common in sex that I would not call them unacceptable or unhealthy or that OP “needs help” if she truly likes these kinds of minor hurts.

But as she says, she can’t trust her feelings. She’s not sure if she really likes what she thinks she likes. That’s why she needs some help to peel back all the layers of past trauma and conditioning and get down to the true her and find out what she likes.

@themental

I mean... it's normal between two consenting adults, but that goes for everything about sex I think.

If he enjoys it and you enjoy it then it's not hurting anyone... but it sounds like the things he is doing you aren't enjoying. So you need to be vocal about that and tell him that you don't like it and would rather he stops.

If he stops after you've been vocal - fine.

If he doesn't then yes you have a problem and this is NOT normal. That's sexual abuse.

I'm really sorry for your past troubles OP and I hope you find some healing

This.

Goodluck op

@BubblyBarbara
But no woman who was okay with being called a slag/whe/bch/fl*r etc during sex can make any argument to being a feminist and they would have no time off me.

That’s really judgemental and reductionist of you. A woman can only be a feminist if she obeys your checklist of acceptable things in sex? What if I said no woman who was okay with being on bottom can make any argument to being a feminist. Only women on top are actual feminists.

@televino

do you tell him that position is painful, as if he’s unaware then you can hardly blame him.

I have told him it's a painful position, yes.

Sorry if I’ve missed this. What does your husband say what is his response/action? Once you have told him it hurts?

Has he sought help? Because there’s no point only you just going. You both need to seek help.

If someone does or says something you don't like and you don't tell them, they will carry on as they clearly like doing/saying it.

If you tell them and they still do it, they're an asshole and it needs addressing.

@BubblyBarbara

Of course it's ok for men to call their partner names their partner is into.

It’s “ok” in the context of their private relationship. But no woman who was okay with being called a slag/wh*e/bch/fl**r etc during sex can make any argument to being a feminist and they would have no time off me.

Why? Because you’re a feminist and you don’t like it? I like this and I am most certainly a feminist. I have a safe, loving and healthy relationship- it doesn’t mean I let him walk all over me and outside the bedroom he would say ‘I wear the pants’. I don’t enjoy this kind of sex just because society tells me I should because I’m female.

I am practising my fundamental sexual freedom. Being submissive does not mean I am being oppressed FGS 😂