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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calls me a whore during sex

287 replies

televino · 16/01/2021 13:29

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 16/01/2021 17:41

Exactly, whatever op likes and dislikes is her normal. And I agree it sounds like they’ve been copying porn and not finding it enjoyable (no surprise from me). Porn is worst teacher in how to do sex. It’s so damaging and misleading.

oakleaffy · 16/01/2021 17:42

@televino
It isn’t normal for men to be so disrespectful of you.
Very glad you are developing self awareness over this,
Most importantly
YOU know it Is Disrespectful!
If you were okay with him calling you these names, you’d not be asking
AIBU?

How would he like to be called a “Limp Dick!!” “Marshmallow!” - just the same level of disrespect.

Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 17:46

Is number 3 correct? Do you find pain sexually arousing?

I don't find pain sexually arousing in the context of the sensation. I find dominant men who are willing to cause me pain are (honestly) apathetic to my response attractive. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but I'd enjoy pain in a context but I wouldn't like it if it weren't attached to dominance I guess. I was reading on another thread something about a ""ravishing fantasy" so I think it might be something to do with that, but gone somewhat haywire.

And since people are commenting on the normal part, I don't mean to call anyone else's sexual preferences or habits abnormal. I guess I meant "is this healthy?" which is probably a different question.

OP posts:
Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 17:48

I find dominant men who are willing to cause me pain and* are (honestly) apathetic to my response attractive

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 16/01/2021 17:58

I'm not sure if someone has already said this, but it sounds like you don't feel that you deserve to enjoy sex, to be treated gently, to put your pleasure first.

You are accepting this debasement because you feel you don't deserve anything else.

This is a self esteem issue, OP.

Was your childhood trauma sexual?

I think you've got to find some specialist counselling. Try your local rape crisis centre. They can refer you to free counselling for sexual abuse that is historic. You don't have to have been raped either.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2021 17:58

I think it depends on how the preference has grown - yours seems to be so rooted in the trauma that you have received it is clearly not healthy or normal.

You have sex/pain/trauma/indifference all wrapped up in one big messy ball of string that I think will take some serious counselling and trauma therapy to unpick.

But what is clear is that what your DH is doing with the name calling and the pain during doggy sex just to keep him happy is further increasing the tanglement and needs to stop OP because it isnt healthy for you and will take you down a dark path.

Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 18:00

Was your childhood trauma sexual?

No, but (as you can guess) I had an abusive father, as well as an abusive mother. Hence the not having any family part. I was also sexually abused when I was 15-16, though I didn't see it as such because I had pursued it.

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 16/01/2021 18:02

Sounds like you’re a sub? Mumsnet is not the place to learn about it but it’s very common and is not ‘unhealthy’. Lots of couples play at being submissive and dominant during sex as part of a normal relationship. It has to be done with care and communication, there are lots of online resources.

WombatChocolate · 16/01/2021 18:05

Sounds like something out of 'Normal People' to me.

Personally, I can't imagine having a DH who would want to verbally or physically abuse me. I understand that some people like it and it is consensual, to the extent that being abused can ever be consensual. I'd imagine lots of people who have chosen this in the past, have their doubts about it, even when people say 'normal' is whatever you personally choose. Being debased might be a choice, but often people don't enjoy it....that's sort of the point. I'm personally not happy to say that is okay behaviour even if it's a choice as its harmful, as seen in this thread. Lots of people might think I'm narrow minded, but even when choice is involved about suffering pain, I think it's not actually the sign of making healthy choices to choose pain.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 18:06

@Franklyfrost

Sounds like you’re a sub? Mumsnet is not the place to learn about it but it’s very common and is not ‘unhealthy’. Lots of couples play at being submissive and dominant during sex as part of a normal relationship. It has to be done with care and communication, there are lots of online resources.
No, thats not what the OP is at all.

She has been sexually abused as a child and now admits she's finding it difficult to even gain pleasure from sex. She said she uses sex as a method of self harm, not for pleasure.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2021 18:08

My dear
Being called horrible names in a painful sexual position is horrible

Start to understand boundaries and why your might be weakened
Flowers

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/01/2021 18:12

@televino

I find dominant men who are willing to cause me pain and* are (honestly) apathetic to my response attractive
I’d agree that is not healthy. It’s probably a product of past trauma. Similar to how some women who were victims of DV from childhood to adulthood, often find they are fustratingly attracted to violent men. To wipe that away that you need therapy to get to what you are really attracted to.

Because your brain is lying to you, the attraction you think you feel is an attraction to what you know. It’s the whole “the devil you know is better than the one you don’t”. It’s based in fear, a fear of what if a different type of man is worse? With a dominant man who has no respect for my feelings, I at least know where I stand. There is no wondering about the basis of our relationship.... This is an unhealthy thought pattern and why it is so hard to break the cycle of abuse.

You were so right to say you can’t trust your feelings. You definitely need therapy to untangle all this and let the real you shine. To start though, anything you know you do not like- the name calling while having sex, doing doggy style, just talk with your partner and have him stop those and anything else you do not like. If he’s a good partner, he will stop willingly and not guilt trip you or whine or pressure you.

And don’t feel like a failure. Everyone needs help in some area of their life at some point. You’re in good company.

CaraDuneRedux · 16/01/2021 18:13

@Franklyfrost

Sounds like you’re a sub? Mumsnet is not the place to learn about it but it’s very common and is not ‘unhealthy’. Lots of couples play at being submissive and dominant during sex as part of a normal relationship. It has to be done with care and communication, there are lots of online resources.
No it bloody doesn't!

OP is clearly upset and disturbed by what's going on.

She has a history of past sexual abuse and trauma, a history of self-harm, and is autistic, with difficulty setting boundaries. She describes her own acquiescence in painful sex as being a form of self harm.

That's a million miles from simply being a sub in a consensual BDSM relationship.

Franklyfrost · 16/01/2021 18:14

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter
*Franklyfrost
Sounds like you’re a sub? Mumsnet is not the place to learn about it but it’s very common and is not ‘unhealthy’. Lots of couples play at being submissive and dominant during sex as part of a normal relationship. It has to be done with care and communication, there are lots of online resources.
No, thats not what the OP is at all.

She has been sexually abused as a child and now admits she's finding it difficult to even gain pleasure from sex. She said she uses sex as a method of self harm, not for pleasure. *

Sorry, that’s my second post. In my first post I was clear that op may have experienced trauma and self harm and is sexually aroused by pain. These three things should be untangled with a therapist and the op is obviously not ready for a sub-dom relationship right now. I should have reiterated it in my second post which was a reply to the op’s reply to me Smile

Franklyfrost · 16/01/2021 18:15

@CaraDuneRedux

See above! Sorry Smile

Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 18:20

You were so right to say you can’t trust your feelings. You definitely need therapy to untangle all this and let the real you shine. To start though, anything you know you do not like- the name calling while having sex, doing doggy style, just talk with your partner and have him stop those and anything else you do not like. If he’s a good partner, he will stop willingly and not guilt trip you or whine or pressure you.

I don't know if I will like or want to do anything though. And that brings out quite a lot more issues in itself. I guess (honestly) I'm a bit worn out by constantly seeking therapy, it's been like this for nearly a decade and I guess it's kind of easier to just accept I can't fix this and try to work around it.

I know that sounds defeatist, and I will try looking into getting more support, but it's been such a long time of it not working (or being actively harmful in a few cases).

OP posts:
Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 18:23

Just a bit shattered really

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 16/01/2021 18:33

you like pain during sex

I didn't get that from op at all.

I got that she finds doggy painful but feels compelled to do it to please a partner.

Sandals19 · 16/01/2021 18:37

Sorry, I've just seen that op has tried to answer that.

C0NNIE · 16/01/2021 18:48

I don't know if I will like or want to do anything though

Do you mean that if you had a free choice you would not have any kind of sex at all? Are you only having sex with your partner because you feel you have to to keep him ?

ProfessorSillyStuff · 16/01/2021 18:49

@BubblyBarbara spot on

Op, all this sounds incredibly draining. If you don't like sex, don't have sex and your partner left you because of it then he never loved you anyway.

He slapped you without asking your consent first? Not worth your time of day. Abuser.

You have so much to give to the world, there are people needing the unique talent and gifts which only you possess. Worrying so much about sex is verging on narcissism. Just stop worrying what to do about boyfriends and sex and learn to enjoy being single and love yourself. You'll probably feel better straight away.

I think you should try to put all this behind you, find a meaningful contribution you can make to the world and focus on that. It would be the "healthy" thing to do IMHO!

Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 18:50

Do you mean that if you had a free choice you would not have any kind of sex at all? Are you only having sex with your partner because you feel you have to to keep him ?

I'm not sure, maybe not. I have very little response to vanilla sex, so if that was the only healthy option then potentially I wouldn't have sex again. I don't think he would leave if I didn't have sex with him, but he would be within his rights to and I'd prefer to keep that from happening where possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 18:51

Worrying so much about sex is verging on narcissism.

???

OP posts:
CaraDuneRedux · 16/01/2021 19:04

@televino

Worrying so much about sex is verging on narcissism.

???

Telvino ignore that comment - it's idiotic.
Original poster
televino · 16/01/2021 19:05

Telvino ignore that comment - it's idiotic.

People love to throw that word around and it's quite upsetting, honestly.

OP posts:
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