Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

OP I think you and your husband need to talk about it, he's clearly acting out his fantasies which in a safe and consenting environment would be absolutely okay.

But the things he's doing and saying to you haven't been consented to, and although sometimes we go along with things in the heat of the moment without having a full on discussion and formal consent, when it happens consistently it needs to be discussed. If he's into degradation or rough kinky sex, he needs to be open with you about it and make sure you're okay with it, especially considering he knows your relationship with sex.

He will not leave you for voicing your worries, he won't think ill of you for wanting to discuss the sex you're having. If anything, he may feel embarassed that he's gone so far without considering you.

I highly doubt that beneath his kinks he really wants to hurt you, it sounds as though he's got carried away and due to your past you're willing to go along with it. I don't mean to assume but just from the way you've spoken about it it seems as though you do it because you think it's wrong not to, or to say no.

If you both wish to continue having sex like this, make it safe. Sort a safeword, discuss your kinks, discuss your limits. You can even make it so you only have rough sex when YOU feel like it, as it's your body that will end up aching.

Remember sex doesn't have to be a huge deal, interests in sex are no different than hobbies. Telling my husband I don't want to be choked one day is no different than telling him he can't play xbox because we have to go out.

Your husband sounds as though he's not abusive in other ways and I hope that is the case as he'll want to hear what you have to say. If he doesn't want to hear it, he needs educating and you may want to consider speaking to a professional or someone impartial to get some advice on how both of you can be safe and happy.

You deserve to be looked after, and if sex will continue to be a coping mechanism for you, it can be used in a safe way. It can still be an outlet.

@televino

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

He doesn't push it at all, he will only agree to that sexual position if I initiate it but it's almost always painful / uncomfortable.

Why do you initiate it?

You say about the porn but...

Does he make you feel loved ? Safe? Secure?

Yes, excluding the sexual situations where there is confusion / miscommunication on both sides it seems, he makes me feel very safe and secure. I don't think he's a bad guy and I don't think he's doing anything wrong necessarily, I just don't know how normal this is.

I really don't know where the cut off point between normal sex and abusive or harmful sex is. I'm sensitive to him calling me names / slapping me / doing painful sexual positions as I am concerned it's going to lead me back down the path of accepting and wanting very violent sex. So I'm not trying to say by any means "is this abuse" but I'm trying to know where the line is between normal and harmful as it often gets diluted in my mind (not in a sexually abusive context though, I'm not a danger to anyone other than myself! Just want to mention that).

Why do you initiate it?

Because it makes him happy and I guess I don't really care about being hurt.

Basically anything you like is ok. Anything you don’t like is not ok.
There isn’t really a “normal” or “not normal” because different people like different things. Some people may like the position you find uncomfortable., others may like dirty talk during sex. But just because others do, doesn’t mean you have to.
The point is that you need to actively find out what you like and do not like and then communicate that to your partner. Also this can change over time, so don’t ever feel as if once you say you like something you can’t ever change your mind. An example for me was when I was breastfeeding, I no longer liked to have my beasts felt up during sex. It was nice and I liked it before, and I did again once I stopped nursing. But for those years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, my breasts were a no touch zone. A loving partner will respect this because he or she will want you to enjoy sex.

@televino

Why do you initiate it?

Because it makes him happy and I guess I don't really care about being hurt.

You matter too. If you don't like it and it hurts you then don't initiate it.

Basically anything you like is ok. Anything you don’t like is not ok.

But if I like being punched or burned or cut during sex I imagine (?) this would not be normal / okay. So yes, I imagine in a normal vanilla context with good mental health that would make sense but I'm unfortunately not there yet, I just need a bit more specific guidance than that I think. I know it's odd and I wish I had the natural boundary but I don't, and a lot of trauma being piled on has changed my natural responses to things.

Please please talk to him OP because you need to tell him all of this because anything that might take you down that path needs to stop.

As does doing anything to make him happy at the expense of you.

If he loves you he will understand.

The cut off is between consensual pleasure (with sex there is only this everyone has different wants and desires) and pushing past that point. If you are sensitive and you dont like it it falls into harmful.

And I think for you anything that can cause you to go down that path is harmful so I think it needs to stop. So you need to tell him.

Unless that is normal in which case, I would probably participate in it and I can stop considering it self harm.

I really don't know where the cut off point between normal sex and abusive or harmful sex is.

Perhaps it's your use of the word "normal" which is part of the problem because this immediately frames the issue in terms of other people rather than you personally.

You are the one that matters in this.

Your easiest guide is "is this making me uncomfortable/ leaving me in pain/ making me unhappy?" If the answer to any of hte above is yes, it is abusive or harmful for you. What someone else might feel about the act in question is completely irrelevant.

Let me repeat that - you are the one that matters. You matter. You are worthwhile, you deserve sex that makes you happy, that gives you pleasure, that makes you feel loved and valued.

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Also regarding the name calling, again if you're both into it then it's fine, but if you don't like it then tell him.

I disagree with the posters calling this abuse considering

I agree that's abuse if you're in pain and he's calling you vile names

Leave him he's no good for you you deserve much better

Sending hugs 🤗

@PlanDeRaccordement

Basically anything you like is ok. Anything you don’t like is not ok. There isn’t really a “normal” or “not normal” because different people like different things. Some people may like the position you find uncomfortable., others may like dirty talk during sex. But just because others do, doesn’t mean you have to. The point is that you need to actively find out what you like and do not like and then communicate that to your partner. Also this can change over time, so don’t ever feel as if once you say you like something you can’t ever change your mind. An example for me was when I was breastfeeding, I no longer liked to have my beasts felt up during sex. It was nice and I liked it before, and I did again once I stopped nursing. But for those years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, my breasts were a no touch zone. A loving partner will respect this because he or she will want you to enjoy sex.

That first line is dangerous , @PlanDeRaccordement. Read the OPs posts.

@televino

Unless that is normal in which case, I would probably participate in it and I can stop considering it self harm.

But you would get no pleasure from it and only cause you harm so not that isnt normal and you should participate it in.

I agree you cant frame it as normal because there isnt one.

What is clear though is that all of this is dangerous to you. His name calling isnt helping you so it should stop. It is self harm for you. As is I think doing things just to make him happy.

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Honestly, I think missionary requires less of me being actively involved (in the context of being wet) whereas doggy style feels a lot more tight and painful. I think the angle feels weird as well, for some reason.

@cherrypie111

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Also regarding the name calling, again if you're both into it then it's fine, but if you don't like it then tell him.

I disagree with the posters calling this abuse considering

It's almost self abuse. OP you really do deserve better than to take part willingly in things that you don't like.

@Neolara

From reading this thread, clearly lots of people think it's ok for a man to call their partner a whore or slut during sex.

However, given the words whore and slut are usually used to try to humiliate and degrade women, I'm wondering why people are ok with this?

Of course it's ok for men to call their partner names their partner is into.

What kind of prude mentality is this.

Some women like to be spanked, some women like to be whipped, some women like rape fantasy. As long as both are into it of course it's 'normal' and fine for them to do.

But you would get no pleasure from it and only cause you harm so not that isnt normal and you should participate it in.

I do get pleasure from violence but it would need to be severe, hence concern surrounding mild aggression (like I'm having with my DH). Not in the context of "this is a pleasurable sensation" but I guess akin to release like other forms of self harm. I don't know, hard to explain and it must sound mad to those who might not have first hand experience.

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

As I pointed out upthread it's not uncommon for women with retroverted uteruses to find it painful - I do.

OP has also said that she has a history of being abuse anally, so it could be any "from behind" position is just too traumatising for her mentally.

Many women I know simply don't like it because they find it dehumanising to be "taken from behind" with no eye contact.

Whatever the reason, it's fine not to like a particular sexual act for any reason whatsoever. Nor do women need "fixing" or need to "push past their mental issues" if they don't like a particular act even if 99.9 recurring percent of the female population loves it (and I'm always very wary of claims like that).

Op you can't be having safe and consenting unsafe sex. Severe kinks that involve cutting, burning, hitting, etc can only be done safely if you're okay, and you aren't. Can you contact your GP and ask for MH support?

The rule of kink is it has to be safe, sane and consensual. The sex you're having isn't any of those.

You can safely use sex and hard kinks as a coping mechanism for trauma, I do that. But it has to be on a healthy basis. Does your DH even know that you continue to see sex as a coping mechanism?

@televino

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Honestly, I think missionary requires less of me being actively involved (in the context of being wet) whereas doggy style feels a lot more tight and painful. I think the angle feels weird as well, for some reason.

This is common. I have found the same problem doggy is a much deeper position (not surprised a lot of men like it).

You are not a doll or there to please a man ONLY. It all sounds so unhealthy.

You are a human being. It’s not normal that you wouldn’t speak out during sex and say “your hurting me” or “can we change position”.

Why does your partner have no support network?

I’m not sure you sound ANY good for each other.

It’s like the blind leading the blind.

@televino

Is there a reason doggy style is painful for you? As it's a very typical position and I'm wondering if there is a reason it hurts.

Honestly, I think missionary requires less of me being actively involved (in the context of being wet) whereas doggy style feels a lot more tight and painful. I think the angle feels weird as well, for some reason.

Have you tried lube at all?

As if you're not getting wet, most positions I would imagine wouldn't be great.

Have you done and counseling or therapy together? That might help get on the same page regarding your history and how he can help with your recovery from harmful behavior

Whatever the reason, it's fine not to like a particular sexual act for any reason whatsoever. Nor do women need "fixing" or need to "push past their mental issues" if they don't like a particular act even if 99.9 recurring percent of the female population loves it (and I'm always very wary of claims like that)

Absolutely!

It doesn't matter about "normal" because that's just not anything real. What is important is not accepting something that makes you uncomfortable in an intimate relationship.

You deserve to draw lines.

I'm also very wary of prude shaming too - usually goes along with a fuck tonne of internalised misogyny, a desperate needy effort to prove oneself a cool girl, and a shit load of victim blaming. Just stop!

What counts as normal does not matter.

All that matters is OP is forcing herself to do stuff/acquiesce in stuff she finds distressing, but for various psychological reasons finds it hard to say no to.

She does not need to be prude shamed into continuing to force herself to do stuff she doesn't want to do. She does not need to be reinforced in any mistaken view that she ought to be doing this stuff because apparently "other women love it."

She needs help building and maintaining healthy boundaries for her own sex life - not yours, not the majority of women's - her sex life.