To think there's no point in offering to take the child so your partner can get more sleep if you take over 15 minutes to collect the child?

[TiredAndGrumpy85]

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am. DH offered last night that he would take DS in the morning so I could get more sleep. DH sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs so as not to disturb DH.

I phoned DH at 7:31 asking him to come up. He texts and says he's going to snooze for 5 minutes. I wasn't terribly happy about this but thought writing out a text back would just wake me up more. He's still not up 10 minutes later so I call him asking where he is and he huffily says he's getting dressed. Long story short, he doesn't actually get DS out of the room and downstairs until 7:47am, over 15 minutes after I rang him.

I am knackered but I couldn't get back to sleep after that long and gave up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep. DS is very noisy and active and I'm awake by that point having had to keep an eye of him for quarter of an hour.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't make these offers if he's going to take so long? I don't know why he won't sleep in pyjamas and wants to have the opportunity to snooze after having an undisturbed night's sleep being woken at 7:31am. I'd rather just get up with DS than lie there being pissed off about not getting back to sleep.

YABU: DH is reasonable. You can't expect someone to collect the child within 15 mins.
YANBU: DH is being unreasonable. He should have come straight up if he has made the offer for you to get extra sleep.

PS. I'm not looking for sleep training advice so please keep any thoughts to yourself on that topic!

YANBU, but as PP says, take him down.

I struggle with people who say that if they dont fall back asleep instantly that second they wont get back to sleep.

@Dopo he does work . He's a SAHD.

You wouldn't say that about a SAHM.

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@Dopo he does work . He's a SAHD.

You wouldn't say that about a SAHM.[/quote]
I would if they lay in bed after the working parent had been up all night, I'd say exactly the same if the sahm told their DH to go sleep on a spare bed as the sound of the baby monitor was disturbing their 8hr sleep and booze sessions.
I'm a sahm so not technically working, looking after the kids is my job through the day.
If I said to my dh if he was up all night settling a 2 year old, 'sorry just 5 more mins...' then eventually mobilised 15mins later after agreeing to take the toddler he'd think I was insane. Hardly hair that the working parent gets a crap bed, no sleep, still does nearly half the childcare etc while the sahd in this case, flops about.

@TiredAndGrumpy85

Just to clarify a few points:

• DH is happy that I'm still breastfeeding. He thinks it's good for DS. DH does feel grossed out touching my boobs, but we rarely seem to have sex anymore anyway 🤷‍♀️

• I sleep in the spare bed on the top floor as DS also sleeps on the top floor. It wouldn't make sense for us to swap beds unless DH is willing to try and settle DS in the night (see further below). DH is in our room on the middle floor. We do have a large house (although it's out in the crappy bit of our city and we're trying to move somewhere better so I'm not showing off) so phone calls/texts are needed rather than shouting.

• When DS was sleeping through the night (ie. 8pm-6:30am ish) I rejoined DH in our bed, but he complained about occasional noises from the monitor (eg DS rolling over) and me getting up at 6:30am ish when DS had woken, so asked me to carry on sleeping in the day bed. I don't know how long this is supposed to go on for.

• DH simultaneously says that he's happy to get up with DS in the morning because DH says he sleeps badly himself anyway, and is awake from 5am ish and unable to get back to sleep, WHILST ALSO refusing to get up at a set time (he has asked me just to call him as late as possible - if it were the other way around I'd just be up by say 7am every day), saying that he's going to have a 5 or 10 minute snooze after I ring him (and often falls back to sleep necessitating a further call and further wait) and just being a grumpy arse about getting up in the morning after he has OFFERED to get up with DS in the morning the night before. He complains about his lack of sleep but it seems to be at least his fault in part because he likes to stay up into the middle of the night drinking and watching telly.

• I'd be quite happy to do sleep training to wean DS from night feeds, but I think the sensible thing to do would be for DH to go to DS if he wakes up in the night for a week or whatever until DS starts settling himself back to sleep. I know DS associates me with milk and will struggle to understand why I'm suddenly refusing. We did this the other way around recently where DS had become reliant on DH soothing him to sleep at 8pm, so I took over for a week, said I couldn't do what DH was doing to get him to sleep and now he just falls asleep on his own at bedtime. However DH doesn't want to help in the middle of the night because it would mean he would probably have to stop his heavy drinking for a week (he doesn't drink every night but drinks heavily on the nights he does). I also hold down a nearly full-time job and DH has happily admitted I still do 40% of the child care despite this, whilst DH doesn't work, so I just wanted to throw that in there before people start accusing me of being lazy and expecting DH to do all the middle of the night sleep training.

• I'm hoping that even if we do nothing, DS will go back to waking up at 6:30am soon rather than 4am. This seems to be a temporary blip where he won't settle without a boob in his mouth.

• Our dentist has said not to worry about breastfeeding during the night. She said it's not ideal but is fine.

• I've tried to suggest getting a Gro Clock but DH said we shouldn't because what if DS felt sick during the night but didn't feel he should ask us to come up. I think he's worrying too much personally, but if he wants to carry on like this he could at least let me catch up on sleep.

• I have never been able to nap in the afternoon no matter how hard I try. I will just fall asleep in the evening on the sofa if I am tired, and DH will make passive aggressive comments about me ruining our evening time. He makes passive aggressive comments if I try to go to bed before 11pm too. We have had massive rows about this - he still does it though especially after he's had a drink. We have had massive rows about him taking to long when he's agreed to collect DS in the morning on many occasions - he still does it and suggests I'm unreasonable because he just wanted a 5 minute snooze.

And look at this... This isn't a sahd, it's a person made redundant given a new role they don't take seriously. Doesn't get up. Doesn't want to settle toddler as he gets shit faced sometimes through the week.

Poor him. Not a sahd a sah cock lodger

What's he bringing to your relationship? He's lazy, drunk and controlling.

Your husband is a dick. You say you're looking at moving? And so you should. Alone. You're already a single parent.

Wow. Please tell me you aren't planning to have another child with this man. You deserve a gold medal for putting up with this shit. But you really shouldn't be putting up with it. So many things wrong here. I echo the posters saying stop buying him alcohol. Go back to your own bed and tell him to f*ck off upstairs if he is woken by the monitor. Breastfeeding isn't serving your needs. You need to grow a will of your own and follow through.

It’s not unreasonable to bf a 2yo. People saying that have obviously never bf a child. But he’s approaching the age when he can understand you explaining there’s no milk at night. I did that myself because I was so tired - when my son woke up wanting milk I said no it’s all gone and just cuddled him and let him hold my boobs. I still breastfed during the day until he was 3. 2 is old enough to safely cosleep if that’s something you want to try, it might get you a bit more sleep. Or if you’re going cold turkey on the breast milk it might work better if someone with no boobs (i.e. DH) settles him at night and you sleep downstairs.

Oh I’ve just read that DH is an alcoholic. Scratch what I said about DH looking after him at night. Just leave and divorce him. You and your DC don‘t need that sort of problem in your lives.

My DH does this, its incredibly annoying. However, I do try and put myself in his shoes, and I also find it hard to wake up straight away if there is not a child there waking you up. So if that was the only issue, maybe you could cut him some slack. But it's not. No reason at all he can't set an alarm, or get up in the night if you are the one working.
Assuming you want to stay with him... I would night wean, we did it at 15m with my eldest by daddy going in for every wake up and he was sleeping through fine after 2 nights. Try white noise on your phone to help you get back to sleep.
Also if it helps, I found there was such a huge jump between 2 and 2.5. My second was born when eldest was 2 and by a couple of months in I was happy for him to go up and down the stairs alone to get things/see daddy.

Your DH has a problem with alcohol. He's choosing drinking over parenting his child. He sounds incredibly selfish. Is he sober enough to safely look after your ds in the morning? The alcohol is probably the reason he can't wake up. Does he only drink at night?

If you are interested in night weaning google the Jay Gordon weaning method. It's designed for co sleeping so you can do it alone. I used it for both my girls around 22/23 months. It takes a few weeks but really works.

Can you child proof your bedroom so that when Ds wakes up he can get out of bed and play while you dose until your DH gets upstairs?

He is completely unreasonable. Who the fuck asks for five more minutes to snooze when their wife has been awake all night? He's an arse.

@Glenorma

Oh I’ve just read that DH is an alcoholic. Scratch what I said about DH looking after him at night. Just leave and divorce him. You and your DC don‘t need that sort of problem in your lives.

I've missed this. Where did it say that?

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@Dopo he does work . He's a SAHD.

You wouldn't say that about a SAHM.[/quote]
He's not actually doing that very much though!!!

*@Dopo he does work . He's a SAHD.

You wouldn't say that about a SAHM.*

How many SAHM get away with not doing the night feeds?

This is all wrong. You're the working parent. You should be in your bed getting a decent sleep and he should be getting up with DS, bring to you for a feed if needed and settling him back to bed and getting up with him in the morning. You can switch one night a week to give him a decent nights sleep when you're off work. Then childcare on your 3 days off should be split 5050. He does 4 days childcare, you do three, but then you also do 4 days work and he does 3 days of nothing.

You're doing far more than your fair share and he begrudges having to do anything despite not doing anything else to contribute.

I say again - you need to go back to your own bed (with a baby monitor). If he doesn't like it, he can go to the spare room.

...and your bedtime should be whenever you choose. You're an adult - he doesn't get to tell you what time to go to bed!

Oh hell no!!

He wont let you in the marital bed as the baby monitor disturbs his sleep, yet he doesnt work!!

Sorry, but stop playing the martyr, grow some balls and sort this shit out because right now you're not a married couple working as a team. He's your lodger.

Go back to your bed, with the monitor. Tell him you're trying to cut down the night feeds so he needs to settle ds first and that doing this will benefit the whole family in the long run.

I bf till dd was almost 2, and when it stopped DH did all the night waking (every 2 hours) as I still was very much mummy=milk AND he worked a 40 hour week whilst I was a sahm but he did it because we are a team and this was a phase dd went through that needed more from him. He is 50% her parent too after all.

Sorry, but your problem is you're being a doormat.

@SpnBaby1967

Oh hell no!!

He wont let you in the marital bed as the baby monitor disturbs his sleep, yet he doesnt work!!

Sorry, but stop playing the martyr, grow some balls and sort this shit out because right now you're not a married couple working as a team. He's your lodger.

Go back to your bed, with the monitor. Tell him you're trying to cut down the night feeds so he needs to settle ds first and that doing this will benefit the whole family in the long run.

I bf till dd was almost 2, and when it stopped DH did all the night waking (every 2 hours) as I still was very much mummy=milk AND he worked a 40 hour week whilst I was a sahm but he did it because we are a team and this was a phase dd went through that needed more from him. He is 50% her parent too after all.

Sorry, but your problem is you're being a doormat.

This

This drove me so mad when dd was smaller. Even just taking a full five minutes used to make so angry. It seemed irrational but you are so exhausted and sacrificing so much of your body and comfort and self, and those extr five minutes are enough for your body to just fully wake up (because you are having to be hyper alert for babies safety sake until dh takes over ) then you don’t even get the sleep you so desperately need once he’s finally come up anywsy.

We had to end up discussing it vecauu it as I was just losing my mind. He didn’t see the big deal and felt since he was getting up to give me a ‘break’... it was unreasonable to be losing my shit after a few minutes while he stretched or whatever.

I made it clearer how much those few minutes actually cost me (just a few minutes of him faffing around cost me the oppertunity to actually get back to sleep. Therefore making me exhausted, unwell and borderline crazy) and things did change. If that helps.