To think there's no point in offering to take the child so your partner can get more sleep if you take over 15 minutes to collect the child?

[TiredAndGrumpy85]

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am. DH offered last night that he would take DS in the morning so I could get more sleep. DH sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs so as not to disturb DH.

I phoned DH at 7:31 asking him to come up. He texts and says he's going to snooze for 5 minutes. I wasn't terribly happy about this but thought writing out a text back would just wake me up more. He's still not up 10 minutes later so I call him asking where he is and he huffily says he's getting dressed. Long story short, he doesn't actually get DS out of the room and downstairs until 7:47am, over 15 minutes after I rang him.

I am knackered but I couldn't get back to sleep after that long and gave up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep. DS is very noisy and active and I'm awake by that point having had to keep an eye of him for quarter of an hour.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't make these offers if he's going to take so long? I don't know why he won't sleep in pyjamas and wants to have the opportunity to snooze after having an undisturbed night's sleep being woken at 7:31am. I'd rather just get up with DS than lie there being pissed off about not getting back to sleep.

YABU: DH is reasonable. You can't expect someone to collect the child within 15 mins.
YANBU: DH is being unreasonable. He should have come straight up if he has made the offer for you to get extra sleep.

PS. I'm not looking for sleep training advice so please keep any thoughts to yourself on that topic!

There's lots of good advice on here.

I also agree that the 15 min lie in is the least of your problems.

I still breastfed my eldest at 2, but not at night though. She knew that after she had her teeth cleaned, and went down for the night, she was only given water to drink until the next morning.

She went through a fussy stage, where after sleeping though she started waking at night wanting breeding. At first I gave I in to her, but that only caused her to wake even more often, so my health visitor told me not to feed in the night, to only offer water. Took three nights that's all and she went from constantly waking to sleeping through again. I also moved her into her room as I was advised that my moving about in my sleep might be waking her and then her natural instinct was to feed.

On another note, I also know of a child who had UK had teeth removed because she was fed at night. Mum felt awful because it was breastmilk, you think it's okay, but it can still damage the teeth.

You really do need to knock nighttime feeding on the head. Not saying all breastfeeding, but the nighttime needs to stop for your sanity, My daughter naturally gave up about 2 1/2.

Ignore the awful breastfeeding shaming comments on here OP. It’s perfectly normal and natural for a 2 year old to feed through the night and to want to cosleep. For some reason modern society just doesn’t accept this. I guess it’s hard if you’ve not been there. I’d suggest joining the ‘Breastfeeding older babies and beyond’ Facebook group if you haven’t already - you’ll get lots of support there without the judgement.

As for DH however, I’m not surprised he is against sleep training when this set up works so well for him! I’d suggest swapping beds tonight - DH in with DS and you in the comfy bed alone. I guarantee he will get a better nights sleep with DS than you do. With you he knows he has the comfort of boobs on tap, my DS is the same although is a little older now and sleeps like a dream in his own bed. Thankfully those difficult nights were made easier for me by having a supportive husband who pulled his weight.

I wish you luck

Oh and if teeth are cleaned well before bed then breastmilk itself will not damage teeth, it’s only if there are food particles left over that it may cause cavities.

He's a selfish arse, but I wonder how much of the situation is of your own making...

@FeloniusGru
Actually that’s a sensible suggestion. No reason your oh can’t do 1 or 2 nights at least a week.

It's quite clear that those saying a 2yo doesn't need to be bf at night have never bf themselves or else only bf for a very short time. It is normal to still want to bf during the night - toddlers want to bf for a variety of reasons.

The problem is not the toddler exhibiting normal toddler behaviour, the problem is the adult man who is not doing his fair share.

OP, YANBU. However, you need to be in the more comfortable bed. He can go into the spare room, there is no way you should be in the uncomfortable bed when you get barely any sleep anyway.

Also, he needs to bloody get up to take the toddler so you can have some sleep. It is a pointless exercise if you have to micromanage him him getting up!! He needs to be setting his alarm for 7am and getting up without your input.

If you have an arrangement like this, the best thing is to have a baby monitor positioned so that the "on duty" parent can hear it. They then need to respond to it immediately. Waiting around to wake up etc isn't on, that's not part of the deal.

If he genuinely struggles to wake up (I do) he should sleep in the room with you.

I still breastfeed my 2yo overnight, I did his brother as well! Nothing terrible has happened.

It's not the question OP is asking. The situation would be the same if the child wasn't breastfeeding but was wakeful in some other way.

YANBU that DH took his sweet time.

But I'd suggest going back to your own bed, putting DS in his room and if DD wakes in the night DH can help settle him again.

Teamwork.

I cant believe how judgemental people are being about you feeding your two year old at night and co sleeping. People would be outraged if I were that judgemental about a mum bottle feeding her infant or sleeping in a separate room to the infant.
I am in a facebook group for breastfeeding older babies and I would say I am definitely in the minority for not still feeding in the night.
This family are obviously happy with extended breastfeeding/natural term weaning and co sleeping.
Op this would drive me crazy. Hopefully he will learn from his mistakes!

Why can't he have the 2 year old and you sleep in the bed alone for a good nights sleep?

God my exh was like this, only worse.

His idea of giving me a lie in was me get up too, look after Dd for an hour or so while he had a shower, breakfast, do anything he fancied around the house, and then only EVENTUALLY go out with Dd - expecting me to have got her ready - for a day / few hours out, which was then apparently my opportunity to sleep

He couldn’t understand that what he needed to do was get up with Dd by himself, get her ready, breakfastEd, play for a bit, etc, while I had a lie in - ie joined up sleep - and then I could get up a bit later, have an I disturbed shower etc with them, and be able to come out for the day too, refreshed from the lie in!

Your choice to continue breastfeeding a 2yr old during the night but broken sleep is a natural consequence of that so I think you’re being unreasonable and a bit of a martyr.

Why can't he have the 2 year old and you sleep in the bed alone for a good nights sleep?

Sounds like a plan to me. If you are doing the work of breastfeeding, then he can jolly well do the work of bringing the toddler to you.

I cant believe how judgemental people are being about you feeding your two year old at night and co sleeping.

3WildOnes
It's more about the OP complaining that it's clearly not working for her, not sleeping, exhausted and grumpy. And the poor child is not getting enough sleep either.

Yes people judge martyrs when the solution is more than obvious.

Just to clarify a few points:

• DH is happy that I'm still breastfeeding. He thinks it's good for DS. DH does feel grossed out touching my boobs, but we rarely seem to have sex anymore anyway 🤷‍♀️

• I sleep in the spare bed on the top floor as DS also sleeps on the top floor. It wouldn't make sense for us to swap beds unless DH is willing to try and settle DS in the night (see further below). DH is in our room on the middle floor. We do have a large house (although it's out in the crappy bit of our city and we're trying to move somewhere better so I'm not showing off) so phone calls/texts are needed rather than shouting.

• When DS was sleeping through the night (ie. 8pm-6:30am ish) I rejoined DH in our bed, but he complained about occasional noises from the monitor (eg DS rolling over) and me getting up at 6:30am ish when DS had woken, so asked me to carry on sleeping in the day bed. I don't know how long this is supposed to go on for.

• DH simultaneously says that he's happy to get up with DS in the morning because DH says he sleeps badly himself anyway, and is awake from 5am ish and unable to get back to sleep, WHILST ALSO refusing to get up at a set time (he has asked me just to call him as late as possible - if it were the other way around I'd just be up by say 7am every day), saying that he's going to have a 5 or 10 minute snooze after I ring him (and often falls back to sleep necessitating a further call and further wait) and just being a grumpy arse about getting up in the morning after he has OFFERED to get up with DS in the morning the night before. He complains about his lack of sleep but it seems to be at least his fault in part because he likes to stay up into the middle of the night drinking and watching telly.

• I'd be quite happy to do sleep training to wean DS from night feeds, but I think the sensible thing to do would be for DH to go to DS if he wakes up in the night for a week or whatever until DS starts settling himself back to sleep. I know DS associates me with milk and will struggle to understand why I'm suddenly refusing. We did this the other way around recently where DS had become reliant on DH soothing him to sleep at 8pm, so I took over for a week, said I couldn't do what DH was doing to get him to sleep and now he just falls asleep on his own at bedtime. However DH doesn't want to help in the middle of the night because it would mean he would probably have to stop his heavy drinking for a week (he doesn't drink every night but drinks heavily on the nights he does). I also hold down a nearly full-time job and DH has happily admitted I still do 40% of the child care despite this, whilst DH doesn't work, so I just wanted to throw that in there before people start accusing me of being lazy and expecting DH to do all the middle of the night sleep training.

• I'm hoping that even if we do nothing, DS will go back to waking up at 6:30am soon rather than 4am. This seems to be a temporary blip where he won't settle without a boob in his mouth.

• Our dentist has said not to worry about breastfeeding during the night. She said it's not ideal but is fine.

• I've tried to suggest getting a Gro Clock but DH said we shouldn't because what if DS felt sick during the night but didn't feel he should ask us to come up. I think he's worrying too much personally, but if he wants to carry on like this he could at least let me catch up on sleep.

• I have never been able to nap in the afternoon no matter how hard I try. I will just fall asleep in the evening on the sofa if I am tired, and DH will make passive aggressive comments about me ruining our evening time. He makes passive aggressive comments if I try to go to bed before 11pm too. We have had massive rows about this - he still does it though especially after he's had a drink. We have had massive rows about him taking to long when he's agreed to collect DS in the morning on many occasions - he still does it and suggests I'm unreasonable because he just wanted a 5 minute snooze.

It sounds like your DH is refusing to help but also refusing to let you try anything which might improve DS’s sleep (Eg: gro clock, stopping breastfeeding, sleep training).

What are DH’s good points? From what you’ve said he doesn’t help with a fair share of childcare, doesn’t work (so assuredly doesn’t bring in any income?), drinks too heavily, is controlling about when you can nap/ go to bed etc but won’t help with night wakings so you get more sleep, is controlling about which methods to use with DS even though he isn’t having to do the parenting, doesn’t keep the promises to help that he makes ... what are you actually getting from him??

Honestly, it sounds like things would be easier without him. At least then you could go to bed when you like and follow your instincts around things to try with DS. What is he actually bringing to the relationship?

So to clarify:
DH doesn’t work and won’t get up in the middle of the night because he wants to drink
He won’t let you sleep in the regular bed with baby monitor because it disturbs him ahead of his busy day of doing nothing
Despite you being the only one with a job, you do 40% of the child care.
If you fall asleep because you’re knackered, he gets arsy
On the day he agrees to you having a lie in, He screws it up

Please tell us his good points.

Cross post with @BillyIsMyBunny billy is my cat 😂

@FippertyGibbett

Take the baby down and leave it with him.

Yes!

@TiredAndGrumpy85

Take the baby down and leave it with him.

After walking down and back up a flight of stairs I don't think there is much hope of me getting back to sleep.

But, really, that's no ones actual fault

But, really, that's no ones actual fault

No but him taking ages to come up after agreeing to give me extra sleep is his fault IMO.

Please tell us his good points.

I'm struggling to think of them today.

To be fair, he is a good patient Dad whilst looking after DS and can be a lovely husband, but can also be incredibly selfish and blind to it (hence me posting here to check that he is being unreasonable, and that I am not the unreasonable one as he thinks).

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer
She wasn't complaining about her child waking her up she was complaining about her husband saying he would help and then being unhelpful.
It would be similar to me going on a thread of a mum to a 6 week old baby who was upset because her baby was struggling with formula and possible cmpa allergy, saying 'baby doesnt need formula, try reacting.' It would be rude and I wouldnt say it because I'm not a dick.
People are implying she is a martyr because she co sleeps and breastfeeds on demand/responsively. It might not be what you would choose (or I) but doing what she feels is right for her child/family doesnt make her a martyr.

He does sound very controlling OP.

My ex was similar and would be quite controlling about when I went to bed and NEVER got up with our son.

Now I’m single I can go go bed whenever I like. 9pm bedtime is a lovely treat to myself and nobody can tell me otherwise 😊