To think there's no point in offering to take the child so your partner can get more sleep if you take over 15 minutes to collect the child?

[TiredAndGrumpy85]

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am. DH offered last night that he would take DS in the morning so I could get more sleep. DH sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs so as not to disturb DH.

I phoned DH at 7:31 asking him to come up. He texts and says he's going to snooze for 5 minutes. I wasn't terribly happy about this but thought writing out a text back would just wake me up more. He's still not up 10 minutes later so I call him asking where he is and he huffily says he's getting dressed. Long story short, he doesn't actually get DS out of the room and downstairs until 7:47am, over 15 minutes after I rang him.

I am knackered but I couldn't get back to sleep after that long and gave up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep. DS is very noisy and active and I'm awake by that point having had to keep an eye of him for quarter of an hour.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't make these offers if he's going to take so long? I don't know why he won't sleep in pyjamas and wants to have the opportunity to snooze after having an undisturbed night's sleep being woken at 7:31am. I'd rather just get up with DS than lie there being pissed off about not getting back to sleep.

YABU: DH is reasonable. You can't expect someone to collect the child within 15 mins.
YANBU: DH is being unreasonable. He should have come straight up if he has made the offer for you to get extra sleep.

PS. I'm not looking for sleep training advice so please keep any thoughts to yourself on that topic!

Do you want to stay married to him?
What was his behaviour like before DS was born?

To put it bluntly, what you and DS need (a comfortable and uninterrupted night's sleep) should be more important than what your DH wants.

DH seems to be getting his own way an awful lot here - deciding who sleeps where, deciding whether or not sleep training should happen, getting up when he feels like it.

My DH gets up with the baby but first he must go to the toilet for 5mins, then faff around putting his dressing gown on, getting his phone etc. Meanwhile the baby is crying louder and louder and waking the toddler up. She’s then so loud that I don’t get anymore sleep. It drives me insane!!!

Whilst he does sound selfish and somewhat controlling I also think that you are partly to blame for the situation. It sounds like you are being a martyr and just going along with everything he says, you need to be assertive and challenge his selfish behaviour whereas as the moment you are enabling him.

If you are working and he is not it doesn’t make any sense that he is getting a full nights sleep so why aren’t you being more assertive in trying to change this? If you went back to sleeping in your own room with a monitor then it would be easier to kick him out of bed to deal with his fair share of night/ early morning wakings. Equally, why are you picking up 40% of the childcare whilst working? Take a step back and don’t always rush to DS when it is his turn, push DH into doing his share. As for not going to bed before 11pm and letting him stay up drinking, why aren’t you challenging that? Point out if he did more of the night waking you’d be less tired and might stay up later but for as long as he leaves it all to you of course you’re going to get an early night.

He’s never going to change as long as you play the martyr and enable him to get everything his own way. Stop standing for his selfish behaviour and start standing up for yourself instead.

I don't understand. You were knackered because you were awake with your child. However you couldn't sleep because you were awake for an extra 15 minutes. Just stay in bed next time or go and have an afternoon nap,
Yea he should have got up and taken your child straight away (or maximum of 5 minutes) but you should have stayed in bed.
Presumably getting up just means you're both snappy and irrarated with each other.

Wow OP, where to start. You both sound so disconnected.

So firstly if you choose to continue to BF through the night then you can't moan at DH not getting up through the night, it is pointless both of you being up through night.

He should be up at the time he agreed, irrespective of him working or not.

If he's not working is it through disability.?? If not and he is drinking heavily, he needs to stop or get help to stop. Being hungover is not a get out of jail for parenting.

He does not decide where you sleep, you do.
He does not decide if you sleep train if you are doing all the wake ups, you do
He does not decide if you breastfeed

What does he do if he doesn't work? Why doesn't he work?

You have my sympathy OP. Some people don't sleep easily, even if they are very tired/sleep deprived and people who don't have this problem (probably your dh and some of the pp) just don't understand. Not everyone can nap in the afternoon or go back to sleep when fully awake.

Unfortunately it sounds like your dh is one of those people who can't wake easily, which is not a good combination for dealing non sleeping kids.

What does he do if he doesn't work? Why doesn't he work?

He takes care of DS on the 4 days I work. I take care of him in the evening those days and on the other days of the week.

He is a SAHD, mainly because he was made redundant and couldn't find another job. He is good with DS though to be fair when he has him.

@TiredAndGrumpy85

What does he do if he doesn't work? Why doesn't he work?

He takes care of DS on the 4 days I work. I take care of him in the evening those days and on the other days of the week.

He is a SAHD, mainly because he was made redundant and couldn't find another job. He is good with DS though to be fair when he has him.

Childcare in the evenings and the days you don’t work should be 50/50 or you are getting no time to yourself. Whilst you’re looking after DS on your 3 days ‘off’ what is he doing?

Your DH has an awful lot of opinions on what you should do re DS’ sleep/nighttime habits for someone who gets to sleep through the night alone in a comfortable bed.

I don't know how you put up with that to be honest. And by that, I mean your husband. I bet he's supportive of you breastfeeding as it gives him the excuse that he can't feed your toddler so it makes sense for him to be in the nice comfy bed by himself, sleeping off the booze whilst you are in the shitty bed up and down with toddler all night. He certainly knows when he's onto a good thing, doesn't he?
He needs a strong kick up the arse and telling to pull his socks up.

@TiredAndGrumpy85 I'm in a similar situation and it PISSES me off so much I cannot even describe it!!

Also there’s really no reason to live like this just to continue BFing. I extended nursed all of mine and by 2 they can understand that after their teeth are brushed and they’ve gone to bed there’s no more milk til morning. As they associated me with milk I would have my DH offer them a cup of water and then they’d sleep with him the rest of the night if they woke up wanting some comfort.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

I cant believe how judgemental people are being about you feeding your two year old at night and co sleeping.

3WildOnes
It's more about the OP complaining that it's clearly not working for her, not sleeping, exhausted and grumpy. And the poor child is not getting enough sleep either.

Yes people judge martyrs when the solution is more than obvious.

Everything that she said.

You need to be careful that by being a SAHD your DH is going to be seen as the main carer (despite his regular heavy drinking, strong opinions on what you do while he sleeps, weird paranoia about Gro Clocks etc.) If you broke up he might keep the house and DS, while you'd have to move out and pay him maintenance.

He sounds controlling and utterly selfish. Can't believe he's a SATP but makes you sleep in a shitty day bed so you don't disturb his sleep!

*SAHP even!

He's a dick.

As an aside, if anyone has any tips on how to stop feeding a willful toddler (over 3 yrs old in my case) at night it's be much appreciated. 🤔

He sounds horrible, apart from everything else he can't 'dictate' what time you go to bed because he doesn't want his evenings 'spoilt' - are you meant to entertain him whilst he drinks excessively in addition to supporting him financially and not disturbing his sleep . I hope you go to bed very early tonight to make up for your disturbed evening.

The night feeds need to stop, DS needs to sleep in his own bed and you need to get back in your own bed also. DH needs to pull his finger out and support you in this.

When DS was sleeping through the night (ie. 8pm-6:30am ish) I rejoined DH in our bed, but he complained about occasional noises from the monitor (eg DS rolling over) and me getting up at 6:30am ish when DS had woken, so asked me to carry on sleeping in the day bed. I don't know how long this is supposed to go on for

Tell him it isn't going on any longer. You are back in your bed tonight, plus monitor. If he doesn't like it, he can sleep upstairs in the Ikea bed.

I'd be quite happy to do sleep training to wean DS from night feeds, but I think the sensible thing to do would be for DH to go to DS if he wakes up in the night for a week or whatever until DS starts settling himself back to sleep. I know DS associates me with milk and will struggle to understand why I'm suddenly refusing. We did this the other way around recently where DS had become reliant on DH soothing him to sleep at 8pm, so I took over for a week, said I couldn't do what DH was doing to get him to sleep and now he just falls asleep on his own at bedtime. However DH doesn't want to help in the middle of the night because it would mean he would probably have to stop his heavy drinking for a week (he doesn't drink every night but drinks heavily on the nights he does). I also hold down a nearly full-time job and DH has happily admitted I still do 40% of the child care despite this, whilst DH doesn't work

Fuck that. You're paying for his drink, I assume? Tell him to man up and parent his child, and stop buying alcohol.

I've tried to suggest getting a Gro Clock but DH said we shouldn't because what if DS felt sick during the night but didn't feel he should ask us to come up

Again, fuck that. If he's old enough to understand a Gro Clock, he's old enough to understand he can call you if he doesn't feel well.

Overall, your husband is coming over as a massive cocklodger. He needs to know that if he doesn't start pulling his weight immediately he'll lose his meal ticket.

You both sound very unhappy. I think you need to think about how you would like things to change, talk about it with him and put a plan in motion. This doesn’t sound like a happy life.

He's massively unreasonable but you know that op. He should of course get up at a reasonable time and take your little one to let you catch up on sleep. Especially when you've been up several hours. Especially when he's not working and you are. But I think you know that. The problem is probably that you don't think he'll change.

@TiredAndGrumpy85

What does he do if he doesn't work? Why doesn't he work?

He takes care of DS on the 4 days I work. I take care of him in the evening those days and on the other days of the week.

He is a SAHD, mainly because he was made redundant and couldn't find another job. He is good with DS though to be fair when he has him.

This is ridiculous.

He's unhappy with you in your own marital bed because ds makes some sounds and it disrupts him. Yet he doesbt have to get up for work, but also doesn't want to get up for his ds, won't let you lie in, gets angry with you if you're tired.

So he's a bit like an au pair?
Gets free accommodation, fed, has to do some basic childcare.

When my husband worked out of home I did the nights and settling, he'd be presented with a baby at the weekends in the morning to look after while I caught up.

Yours is way too comfortable.