To think there's no point in offering to take the child so your partner can get more sleep if you take over 15 minutes to collect the child?

[TiredAndGrumpy85]

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am. DH offered last night that he would take DS in the morning so I could get more sleep. DH sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs so as not to disturb DH.

I phoned DH at 7:31 asking him to come up. He texts and says he's going to snooze for 5 minutes. I wasn't terribly happy about this but thought writing out a text back would just wake me up more. He's still not up 10 minutes later so I call him asking where he is and he huffily says he's getting dressed. Long story short, he doesn't actually get DS out of the room and downstairs until 7:47am, over 15 minutes after I rang him.

I am knackered but I couldn't get back to sleep after that long and gave up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep. DS is very noisy and active and I'm awake by that point having had to keep an eye of him for quarter of an hour.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't make these offers if he's going to take so long? I don't know why he won't sleep in pyjamas and wants to have the opportunity to snooze after having an undisturbed night's sleep being woken at 7:31am. I'd rather just get up with DS than lie there being pissed off about not getting back to sleep.

YABU: DH is reasonable. You can't expect someone to collect the child within 15 mins.
YANBU: DH is being unreasonable. He should have come straight up if he has made the offer for you to get extra sleep.

PS. I'm not looking for sleep training advice so please keep any thoughts to yourself on that topic!

Does he resent the loss of the bed? Is he on the sofa and pissed off that he's relegated to sofa sleep while you're upstairs.

He's in our bed, I'm in the less comfortable IKEA day bed in the spare room.

What a very odd setup. Why's he sleeping downstairs? And why is your 2 year old breastfeeding for hours in the middle of the night? He's not a baby anymore.

Seems like there's a lot you could be doing to stop this being an issue in the first place.

Why are you in the less comfortable bed? Go back to your own bed.

I'd be annoyed. He needs to come straight up, get DS and take him down, even if they get back into bed. Plus it is 7.30, not the middle of the night. I need to stay semi asleep to have any chance of going back to sleep.

Ex used to do sort of similar. Middle of the night feed, it was me, Id have prepped the bottle, left whatever I'd need in the exact right place and the moment baby stirred I'd be up, sorted him out and back in bed in 20 mins with ex none the wiser. His turn, DS would stir, I'd wake, have to wake ex, he'd groan for a couple of mins, fanny about finding a robe or slippers or whatever, crash about downstairs turning lights on, baby is now properly awake. Ex would be cross, not quiet, short with DS and by the time the whole performance was over we'd all have been awake for an hour. In the end I did all the night feeds but got both lie ins.
OP you need to address this with him not at 7am or whatever but at a sense time when the issue isn't actually happening and get him to agree to be a bit quicker. That said, I do think you're being a touch martyrsish with the being unable to get back to sleep if you've had that bad a night.

My DH absolutely cannot wake up quickly its just the way he is. Could you have an afternoon nap while DH takes the toddler out for a walk?

Well yes if he offers he should do it promptly

If it was a baby in a Moses basket I'd say take him in to DH when he falls asleep after 3am feed- them you can have a lie in uninterrupted.

As it's a 2yo I think you need to sort out the all night breast feeding- or if temporary due to ds sickness etc alternate nights with DH as dad doesn't actually need breast milk in the night.

In agree your OH is an asshole. Mine was like this too and I got rid of him. It’s so much easier to cope when you don’t expect or rely on anyone else for help.

I think the sleeping situation is weird though. Who’s decision was that to sleep in separate beds? If it was yours then I’d be getting straight back in my own bed and he can piss off to the uncomfortable bed! I can understand if he’s working but assuming as it’s Saturday and he offered a lie in, he’s not working today.

Honestly OP, look after yourself first. He’s living the easy life and it really fucks me off that so many men are such selfish pricks and women let them get away with it!

Please make sure you don't have another child with this man.

@TiredAndGrumpy85

Take the baby down and leave it with him.

After walking down and back up a flight of stairs I don't think there is much hope of me getting back to sleep.

I'll wager that it was mostly being pissed off with your husband that prevented you from getting back to sleep.

Either way, you're not losing anything so worth a try?

Or, just move back to your bed but then it's harder to get him to take DS and keave you in peace.

Take the baby down and leave it with him

Not a baby. 2 years old.

Is this a zombie thread started by me 10 years ago???!!
In the end, I got up with DS, went down stairs, both of us had breakfast and about 10am I booted DH out of bed and had a "morning" nap - often til 2pm. He did do his fair share of 10pm-1am child waking, allowing me a chance to sleep then, so not completely selfish, just doesnt function in the mornings.

No if you offer to let someone get some sleep, you don't demand they act like a snooze button like you're a teenager.

He sounds like a twat

I'd have gone downstairs with my baby and got him up!

You need to be more assertive. Take the baby to him. Go back to bed and lie there with your eyes wide open if necessary. Your husband doesn’t get it and by the sound of you, you’re not willing to tell him.

Can you swap beds tonight so he is the one to deal with DS all night and in the morning and you get a decent sleep in your own bed?

But YANBU it should have been phonecall, PJ bottoms on, upstairs, baby away, 2 minutes.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

What a very odd setup. Why's he sleeping downstairs? And why is your 2 year old breastfeeding for hours in the middle of the night? He's not a baby anymore.

Seems like there's a lot you could be doing to stop this being an issue in the first place.

Indeed. I know some people do still breast feed two year olds but it's usually only at bedtime, certainly not all night. There's something seriously askew there and more than one habit to be broken.

Feels like you've really enabled this.

Mirror many of the above points:

1. Why is 2 year old still feeding throughout the night?
2. Why have you moved to the less comfortable bed to let your arsehole husband sleep? In the massive comfy bed all on his own? Fuck that.

Tell him it's not working and you're moving back into the bedroom. Between you you need to come up with a plan to get your little one sleeping through. This isn't your "job" with him as a helper. You should be working through these issues together - as a team. Let him come up with the solutions too.

Boggles my mind that women let men get away with this shit and then complain that it takes them 16 minutes to collect the child. Look at the bigger issues!

I am not sure I understand this thread

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am.

your 2 year old?

Yes, I used to have the same and my husband used to come in right away as otherwise there is no point if you've got to look after a baby for 15 min then you're awake. Ok if you're desperate for the loo or something fair enough if its not instant but why should he enjoy a snooze after a full nights sleep, at the expense of your lie in? And surely he can get dressed with a child there. Again why is getting dressed in peace more important than you being rested?

Can you disappear for a long nap later on?

@Cuppaand2biscuits

YANBU and as your child is 2 I would be telling DH is keep him entertained all morning, take him for a walk etc so you can relax, read a book, have a bath. You put him down for his nap if that's what is needed and have some time to yourself. Keep going, this will pass and please ignore anyone who dares to tell you you need to stop breastfeeding.

I agree, but why are you still feeding him at 2??? Stop the middle of the night feed completely. You say you’ve been up all night with him but actually you weren’t, from 4am is relatively reasonable. However, I think he’s waking at that time because he’s used to a feed from you. He doesn’t need that feed and your dh shouldn’t be sleeping on the sofa either.

Your 2 year old can't possibly need to be fed for three hours solid. If what he needs is company, he can go in the comfortable bed with his father.

I’d reassess the whole situation. If you are dealing with the baby through the night, you should be in the most comfortable bed. Whoever is getting to sleep Uninterrupted through the night should be on the Spare bed. My Dh was really clear on this when we had dc3. I spent a night on the sofa with newborn baby And when he realised I had done it so he got to sleep through, he was really cross (in a nice way) with me. I was dealing with the baby, So he slept on the sofa. And when I phoned him to say toddler Ds had woken up, he was there immediately, every time.
Tomorrow, as soon as your child wakes up, you need to take him to your Dh, put dc on Dh so he has to wake up and leave the room. Go back to bed and even if you aren’t asleep, pretend to be and let him manage.

I’m sure we would all like to wake up Slowly and have time to come round gently, but if you are a parent to a small child, (As you know) you don’t have the option of doing this.

I’m also curious as to why you are letting your Dh have a say in sleep training (or not), when he does zero amount of the Overnight work? It makes no difference to him at the moment as he isn’t having to do anything in the current situation. He gets to starfish in the bed and have a lie in, while you are up half the night and then getting up knackered in the morning to deal with dc.

My husband just cannot do mornings (partly due to medication and partly just who he is). So there was no point in me expecting him to get the baby first thing because, like your DH, he took so long I would be wide awake. It wasn't because he was a bad dad, or didn't care about me or was trying to annoy me; but that took some accepting on my part. It took a few open and honest conversations, not in the heat of the moment, to work out what was best for us and manage expectations. Our setup wouldn't work for everyone, but it's really noone else's business. I think some people are quick to assume your DH is a bad person but suppose it depends if this is symptomatic of his behaviour elsewhere or whether it's just a specific point to work through and ensure you both get the rest you need.

YANBU I also have a DP that does this. It’s infuriating! Especially as he gets a full night sleep every night! And even more so now we both work full time!

This morning it took him 20 mins to take over the care of DS and I had 45 mins to get ready and get to work!

It’s a joke, just not a funny one!