To think there's no point in offering to take the child so your partner can get more sleep if you take over 15 minutes to collect the child?

[TiredAndGrumpy85]

I have been up breastfeeding DS through much of the night since 3:55am. DH offered last night that he would take DS in the morning so I could get more sleep. DH sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs so as not to disturb DH.

I phoned DH at 7:31 asking him to come up. He texts and says he's going to snooze for 5 minutes. I wasn't terribly happy about this but thought writing out a text back would just wake me up more. He's still not up 10 minutes later so I call him asking where he is and he huffily says he's getting dressed. Long story short, he doesn't actually get DS out of the room and downstairs until 7:47am, over 15 minutes after I rang him.

I am knackered but I couldn't get back to sleep after that long and gave up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep. DS is very noisy and active and I'm awake by that point having had to keep an eye of him for quarter of an hour.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't make these offers if he's going to take so long? I don't know why he won't sleep in pyjamas and wants to have the opportunity to snooze after having an undisturbed night's sleep being woken at 7:31am. I'd rather just get up with DS than lie there being pissed off about not getting back to sleep.

YABU: DH is reasonable. You can't expect someone to collect the child within 15 mins.
YANBU: DH is being unreasonable. He should have come straight up if he has made the offer for you to get extra sleep.

PS. I'm not looking for sleep training advice so please keep any thoughts to yourself on that topic!

It is emphatically NOT your job to go and get the baby and bring him to him. That’s HIS job. We have got to stop enabling these men to behave like spoilt idiots. If he said he would do something then he needs to do it, not half of it and not when it suits him but when it needs done. The whole point of him taking the baby is so that you can get some sleep and if he doesn’t get his act together to get him in time to avoid waking you up because you are exhausted there’s there’s no point in him even bothering. You’re going to have to sit him down and spell it out. Again, you shouldn’t have to, but this is selfish and entitled behaviour and it’s not on.

The stairs are less likely to wake you up fully than being on your phone and waiting for messages.

Can you put a travel cot in DHs room, after the night feed you pop DS into that?

@Ch3rish

Can I ask why you don't want to discuss sleep training. You can solve the problem by not feeding a 2 year old for hours in the night, short term pain for long term gain.

But apart from that your DH is a selfish arsehole, yanbu about tha t.

How do you know how that decision will affect the ops child? It might seem like short term pain but I really don't think you can't say for sure how it will affect that particular child long term. Is everyone really still ignorant to natural weaning ages; 4 plus is very normal in other cultures. In fact I'd go as far as to say necessary, if food were to be scarce. A weaned toddler will not necessarily make up the nutrition they would have got from breast milk from food. And we know breastfeeding is not just about food.

Aside op yanbu. Your dp had all night off parenting. You deserve a lie in. (And your own bed back)

It never ceases to amaze me how many useless husbands there actually are. He should have been taking the child off you and bringing him downstairs after you’d been up all night.

It’s a long time since my children were tiny. I didn’t even know a two year old fed in the night. Hopefully things will settle down soon for you, you must be shattered 💐

YANBU to feel annoyed if this is the agreement you had BUT breastfeeding a two year old for three solid hours during the night is not sane or rational. Getting long stretches of uninterrupted sleep is what a child of that age needs for healthy development. Presumably now you will have a fractious child who needs more breastfeeding half the day?

I’m fully aware you don’t want advice on this but it’s impossible to reply without pointing this out.

I’m not surprised you’re tired and grumpy, but feeding a two year old for half the night will do that for you. DH could be better about it though. I think you need to put your heads together to make a gentle plan to wean DS off of night feeds and in to his own room for all of your sakes.

I hate on here the attitude that if you are so unreasonable as to bf a 2yo, you deserve whatever you get. The OP is still feeding, and has asked for her husband’s support in letting her get some rest after an unsettled night. He agreed. So yes, he is unreasonable not to come and get the toddler when he said he would.
Also, the idea that weaning will solve all the problems is ludicrous. My DD is two. I returned her to her bed no fewer than five times last night. It didn’t feel like a particularly restful night for me, even without feeding. Fortunately, my DH took her downstairs at 7.30 without my even asking, and I’m still in bed (albeit now with three children and Hey Duggee, but that was at my invitation).

I think you are both being unreasonable, you don't have an arrangement that works, you are overstretched with looking after the needs of others and then becoming resentful at the situation.

You need to reassess your routine to ensure you are not martyring yourself

Can’t you Orr agree a time he will come up and take over from. Like if he’s slept all night he should be able to get up from around 6am to be available to look after your son surely?

Pre agree that was meant to be.

So rather than text when you’re awake he sets an alarm to be up from 6am etc

Don’t understand this set up at all .....

DH sleeps downstairs in the main comfy bed
You sleep upstairs in a spare un comfy bed
DS 2 years old sleeps with you and still breastfeeds through the night

You need to address the issue of your son being babified before anything else.

Does your DS have any special needs?
Has he EVER slept through the night?
If do, how long has this stage of wakening for feeds been going on and what do you think is triggering it?
Was the decision to extend BF supported by DH?
What conversations have you had with DH about breaking this cycle of poor sleep?
Are you generally quite anxious about DS?
How long do you think you can physically and mentally continue overnight feeds with a child of this age?
I don’t think this is as simple as a lazy arsed ‘new’ dad taking the piss.

How do you know how that decision will affect the ops child? It might seem like short term pain but I really don't think you can't say for sure how it will affect that particular child long term.

pretty sure a 2 year old should benefit a lot more to a proper night sleep than being kept into the habit of waking up and getting milk through the night!

A child NEEDS sleep! It might still be a battle to get them to have an uninterrupted night, but the worst thing you can do is encourage them not to sleep!

Why does he need to get dressed? If he's sleeping with nothing on, he could fling on a dressing gown in 2 seconds, or if he's in boxers/ pj bottoms he can pull on a T-shirt. He's just making excuses.
Put the baby in with him, and claim back the comfy bed.
It's lying there being angry that's keeping you awake. Going down the stairs and back won't make it worse.
Make it difficult for him if he's going to be such an arse to you. Have yourself a long nap ( not at the same time as DS naps), and go out about half an hour before bedtime and let DH deal with it.

This is just a bonkers situation. Why on earth are you sleeping on separate floors? Why are you breastfeeding a two year old through the night?

It's like you've deliberately set out to make life as difficult as possible for yourselves.

Move back into the same bed. Stop the night feeds. That is the best advice I can give.

Apart from anything feeding him through the night at 2 is terrible for his teeth.

@lockedownloretta

Apart from anything feeding him through the night at 2 is terrible for his teeth.

Is it. I’d never heard that. Why is it bad for teeth?

@Foldinthecheese

I hate on here the attitude that if you are so unreasonable as to bf a 2yo, you deserve whatever you get. The OP is still feeding, and has asked for her husband’s support in letting her get some rest after an unsettled night. He agreed. So yes, he is unreasonable not to come and get the toddler when he said he would. Also, the idea that weaning will solve all the problems is ludicrous. My DD is two. I returned her to her bed no fewer than five times last night. It didn’t feel like a particularly restful night for me, even without feeding. Fortunately, my DH took her downstairs at 7.30 without my even asking, and I’m still in bed (albeit now with three children and Hey Duggee, but that was at my invitation).

Ok I'm not a parent, but I don't think the fact she is still breastfeeding is an issue but......for most of the night? Surely only a new born needs extended breastfeeding during the night?

@TiredAndGrumpy85

Take the baby down and leave it with him.

After walking down and back up a flight of stairs I don't think there is much hope of me getting back to sleep.

so lying waiting for him to come up will make you sleep better - a quick, heres the baby and go, much easier

It's annoying DH did this. I changed baby's nappy, bf him and brought him downstairs saying been up since 3am but baby's been fed and has clean bum only because he will keep coming back saying baby's hungry, where's the nappy and wipes and disturb me more.

Has he had the comfy bed alone for 2 years?

Next time send the toddler down on its own. And shout down stairs to your husband to collect him.

Alternatively go down with the toddler and get into bed with your h and he can get out and start the day while you go to sleep.

Would it help next time to explain exactly what you mean by “a lie in”? E.g. I had a few lie ins over Xmas (normally not an option as my DH works weekends and gets up earlier than me) and I explained (and wrote down!) exactly what I expected - get up before her wake up time at 7am, get her breakfast ready, go get her at 7, dress her,breakfast, teeth etc. He didn’t wake me at all.
I only had to explain her morning routine as he’s usually working and out of the house. He has her two days a week but I’m up early for work anyway so I get her ready.
All this is to say - do you need to specify exactly what you want?

Is everyone really still ignorant to natural weaning ages; 4 plus is very normal in other cultures. In fact I'd go as far as to say necessary, if food were to be scarce. A weaned toddler will not necessarily make up the nutrition they would have got from breast milk from food. And we know breastfeeding is not just about food.

I think the problem isn't do much breastfeeding a 2yo buy rather breastfeeding a 2yo for hours in the middle of the night when that child really should be able to sleep through the night. He can have the breast for supper and breakfast, sure, but it's not needed in the middle of the night

AIMD Sat 16-Jan-21 10:54:43
lockedownloretta

Apart from anything feeding him through the night at 2 is terrible for his teeth.

Is it. I’d never heard that. Why is it bad for teeth?

Probably as they will not be cleaning their teeth before going back to sleep?