To be totally pissed off....or am I a drama queen?

[Ratched]

It is a 'very' special birthday for me today.
I have a husband, two grown up some and a grand daughter, as well as assorted friends.
I have a father I shop and clean for 2 or 3 times a week. I have a brother I have taken in and supported when his marriage collapsed

At 4 pm, on the day of my special birthday + only call it this as Iakakee no fuss on any other day, I have a bunch of owners with a card from Moonpig.com
My friend brought me some personalised gifts which meant a lot, but from my family????
I shop, clean and do all of the admin (sell ing houses, organising dwp payments, cleaners, carers etc c for my dad.
Have given my brother a roof over his head when needed, as well as support.
Have not only subsidised DS to the nth degree, but now also supply child care.
Have supported second DC financially.

I am 60.
No one gives a toss.
I honestly and truly do not care about getting stuff.
Just a phone call saying Happy Birthday.

How ducking dad us my life at this age when I have 2 bloody cards. And one of them is from moonpig. With roses that probably cost a bomb but mean fuck all.
DH tells me it was the best he could do in a pandemic.
Weird.
I managed to get a unique, thoughtful gift that involved some thought from Etsy for his birthday a couple of weeks ago.
And a card. But that involved making some effort.
I am so deflated.
Busy making dinner, but surely any other husband would've cooking for their wife? Or arranging a takeaway?
I am pissed off beyond belief.

YANBU OP - I'd feel really upset about not getting my mum anything for her birthday, your cheeky kids, give them a kick up the arse.

Happy Birthday

@HikeForward you don't think it's possible that OP both knows her own children, husband and father and has an idea of what's going on in their lives, and might possibly have mentioned that in her OP?!

@Tier10

HikeForward I disagree with you. I think adult DC should acknowledge their mum’s big birthday. My DC sent me messsges on the day of my 50th, they didn’t manage presents but the waking up to some sweet messages was really nice.

I agree. Family should at least make an effort

On the whole men are crap at buying gifts imo ( looking at you DH who bought me tonic, crisps and a spirit I don't like for my birthday a few years ago - basically went to Sainsburys). I now don't rely on my close family but buy my own gifts, tell them to wrap and if I happen to get some extra stuff that it is nice that is a bonus. My dh cant change as he struggles to see what he is doing wrong so this is what I do now. I've stopped being angry.

@HikeForward there honestly is no reason for them to forget.

I will admit, I am really laid back and dont usually make a fuss, so perhaps that has worked against me, but I made a huge effort for my dads 80th a few months ago ( he is my stepdad, hence the age diff)! Made a big effort with son and lovely dil's wedding anniversary in November, and everone got a lovely Christmas stocking 😁
I think I need to forget what I would do and just accept that they dont. It just stings.

I am waiting for the hurt to go, so I know its not a knee jerk reaction, then I am ordering myself a new tablet and fitbit. And feck it😁

To those pale who thing she should just accept that other people do birthdays differently:
Her adult children have grown up in a home where their mother had bought them gifts and made their birthdays special. They've seen her do the same for their dad. She continued to do that for them when they left home. Why on earth would they not have learned that this what birthdays mean in their family? Why on earth would they not reciprocate?

There's no excuse. She's modelled this for them their entire life, she's had a big birthday in lockdown. They should know that there's a need to demonstrate their love for her that way, and especially now. FFS they should WANT to!

good for you op

Happy 60th birthday op

That sucks!

I'd be having words with them all tbh. Totally out of order to take you for granted like this. They have the rest of the weekend to make it up to you and they damn well should!

You also need to stop doing so much if it's not being appreciated. No point silently seething and crying the whole lot will burst out at some point.

Genuine question (Cos I'm fairly certain of the answer!) how would they feel if you did this to them on their next milestone birthday?

I'd be tempted to test that out! See how they like them apples!

My family have had a really shitty year, not just covid lots of crappy stuff happening. Yet we've all made an effort with the birthdays, anniversaries etc as it's a good opportunity to balance out all the crap stuff! If anything we've made more effort! I've been sending cards like they're going out of fashion! Just even "saw this and thought of you" jokey stuff when I know the person is having a rough time.

As you say it is the thought and effort that counts!

I am disabled, mentally ill, unemployed, on benefits, housebound and live alone. I could easily come up with a hundred excuses not to make the effort! I'll bet your lot don't have any good reasons for such behaviour.

Never mind "hurt" and "disappointed" I'd be tempted to send a group message saying you're not impressed with the lack of thought and effort given ALL you do for them. That you are rethinking all the things YOU do in light of their lack of effort so far, you'll be mulling it over during the weekend!

See if that kicks their entitled, selfish and thoughtless arses!

I despair of some people I really do.

And plan a weekend that suits YOU in terms of

NO housework
NO cooking (frankly if I were you I'd be getting in some one person ready meals or ordering takeaway just for you)
NO childcare
NO mental load crap

Have lie ins and eat, drink, watch/listen and do as you want all weekend.

Selfish sods!

Actually I think your dh is the biggest disgrace as he should be setting the tone.

My dad has many faults but if I or any of my siblings DARED to pull this kind of crap he'd have been on the phone FIRST THING to give us an absolute bollocking! In fact it wouldn't even have got that far cos like 2 months before he's like "you've remembered it's your mums/grans/uncles birthday/anniversary/graduation/whatever on the 20th? What are you doing for them? Do you need ideas?" (He's excellent at gifts I have to say and has come up with super genius ones at times that the rest of us would never have thought of! And all price ranges too, even really thoughtful and personal "stocking fillers" it's his thing)

Mum does same for his birthdays etc and her side of family.

I honestly can't imagine quite how severe and lengthy a bollocking we'd get if we ever didn't put a suitable amount of effort in.

It's the little things, making sure cards are sorted and sent in time to show you remembered the date, choosing cards and writing messages that are meaningful... this kind of thing doesn't even require lots of money or planning or time!

I hope they realise their cock up and rectify ASAP.

Happy Birthday!

What if anything is your husband's explanation?

Very Happy birthday OP! I hope you didn't cook and ordered your favourite take away.

Let tomorrow be a new day. Leave the judgements at the door (or will only eat away at you) but do start from tomorrow by doing a little more for yourself from now on. If it is a cheap bunch of cheerful flowers at the supermarket or a nice moisturiser when you are in Boots.

My counsellor said this to me (and gave it to me on a card) so I remember to love myself a bit more. I pass it to you...

who taught you
to unlove yourself
so sweetly
that you actually thought
it tasted
good?

—Alex Elle

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday but I do think what's happened, or hasn't happened, is shit. I think you need to step back a bit from their lives and let them get on with it. Perhaps you aren't able to offer as much childcare, nor be able to run around after everyone any more. Make that your present to yourself.

Happy Birthday. There’s definitely an element on MN who treat any expectations of presents or fuss on your birthday as deeply derisory. I can remember someone saying snootily “ birthdays are for children surely?” Must be from Puritan stock. We make a big fuss on birthdays... especially during lockdown. A birthday breakfast, home made cake lots of presents and activity of choice, dinner etc. My 50th was last summer and I found a local catering firm who delivered a cream tea for me. My DH / DD made a big fuss and I got a swanky watch among other presents. I since read about Michelin rated chefs ( brothers ) who have been deliverIng 3 course meals during lockdown. I definitely would have gone for that if I could. We do talk about it though beforehand- particularly at the moment when options are limited. Your DH has the entire bloody internet at his fingertips ( unless he happens to be visually impaired or indeed has no fingers) and saying it’s the best I could do is lame AF!

there honestly is no reason for them to forget. I will admit, I am really laid back and dont usually make a fuss, so perhaps that has worked against me, but I made a huge effort for my dads 80th a few months ago ( he is my stepdad, hence the age diff)! Made a big effort with son and lovely dil's wedding anniversary in November, and everone got a lovely Christmas stocking 😁 I think I need to forget what I would do and just accept that they dont

I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt by their behaviour. Especially as you’re very involved with their lives and know they have no big worries/events/curveballs/stressors that would cause them to forget a birthday.

It sounds like you’re naturally generous with your time and money, and perhaps enjoy making a fuss of people on special events? And maybe others think this is just something you do because it gives you pleasure (like the stockings) not realising you feel unappreciated when they don’t make the same fuss in return.

In my family we send texts or WhatsApp messages or FB messages to say Happy Birthday, usually followed by a card that arrives a few days late. We used to post gifts but with RM being so slow and lockdowns we haven’t this year (TBH I wouldn’t want my elderly parents or shielding brother to go to a post office and queue just to send me something).

DH and I give each other spontaneous gifts throughout the year, when we think of something the other would love or a new special thing comes on the market. We don’t give each other cards. It takes the pressure off birthdays and Xmas.

A few years back we did have a massive party for his 40th, but that was his choice (he told me what he wanted and I organised it).

The only people I buy gifts for are the kids and a couple of close female friends. And friends’ kids. At home we get a cake for birthdays as DC love that part (the candles and singing).

DH and I have never bothered with anniversaries, nor have my parents (despite being happily married 50 years) and stockings are very much for kids here. We only do Xmas because the kids enjoy it, I’d happily not bother. Most years I’m working Xmas and this year we all had covid so Xmas was a struggle and only enjoyable for DC!

Happy 60th here's a big hug from me xx

I've noticed over the years if you the person who says ah don't worry about my birthday or don't want a fuss, that's what people will do not make a fuss.

I've seen people make huge fuss and they are the ones that get lots of gifts and cards, but then they are also people who go on about their birthdays for weeks on advance so you don't forget

Think its really crap of your family tho, treat em like they treat you in future

I wouldn’t want my elderly parents or shielding brother to go to a post office and queue just to send me something

They don’t actually need to... you can just get items sent directly from the retailer - gift wrapped as well.

Oh @Ratched, so sorry they have spoiled your special day. I had a similarly milestone birthday last year, which I had planned to mark with several things, including a family holiday and a holiday for just me and DH, but of course they were all cancelled. So I’m staying a year younger and celebrating this year instead. So I’d suggest telling your sons (not suggesting) that this time next year you are celebrating your 60th and expect a proper effort.

Happy birthday, enjoy spending that money and have a takeaway tomorrow to celebrate. 🍾

Happy birthday my love! Sending a birthday hug and virtual x

Happy big birthday 🎂🎁

I'm sorry your family are a bit pants. You have sons, and they are e notorious for not 'doing cards' My son is not great, and my daughter definitely better

Have a day off and do nothing all weekend xx

Happy Birthday to you, @Ratched

Your DH sounds like a lazy dickhead, sorry about that. How about you simply make a special day for yourself, you can do it even in lockdown? Make yourself a great breakfast tomorrow, go for a walk on your own, enjoy it, get yourself a take-away for you only, sit down with a great book or watch Netflix, whatever you want and just relax. Don't be lonely, be on your own, for yourself. Make it a spa-day from home. Don't mop around, don't walk around your DH with a sad face, just spend the day on your own and enjoy every moment of it? You will feel better afterwards, more relaxed and much less resentful, I promise.

OP, rant away, that all seems pretty thoughtless behaviour when you've made such an effort for your family. I know these aren't normal times, and in their defence, perhaps they felt with numbers rising it was not the right time to visit shops, but online shopping is an option for most people.

Tell them how you feel. Then order whatever presents and you fancy. You've cooked today, but if they don't show a bit of remorse and/or consideration tomorrow, then order a take away just for you, and eat alone, in your room. Let them have a taste of their own medicine while you pamper yourself. Your DC need to learn that family care and support should go in both directions, when DC are adults.

I have got a big birthday on the 20th and I suspect it will be similar to yours! I think lockdown is highlighting this! Happy Birthday though 🍰

Go nuclear on them, or at least say to each individually 'I can't believe that you didn't mark my birthday in any meaningful way after all I do for you' and follow through no favours or grunt work for any of the adults.