To be totally pissed off....or am I a drama queen?

[Ratched]

It is a 'very' special birthday for me today.
I have a husband, two grown up some and a grand daughter, as well as assorted friends.
I have a father I shop and clean for 2 or 3 times a week. I have a brother I have taken in and supported when his marriage collapsed

At 4 pm, on the day of my special birthday + only call it this as Iakakee no fuss on any other day, I have a bunch of owners with a card from Moonpig.com
My friend brought me some personalised gifts which meant a lot, but from my family????
I shop, clean and do all of the admin (sell ing houses, organising dwp payments, cleaners, carers etc c for my dad.
Have given my brother a roof over his head when needed, as well as support.
Have not only subsidised DS to the nth degree, but now also supply child care.
Have supported second DC financially.

I am 60.
No one gives a toss.
I honestly and truly do not care about getting stuff.
Just a phone call saying Happy Birthday.

How ducking dad us my life at this age when I have 2 bloody cards. And one of them is from moonpig. With roses that probably cost a bomb but mean fuck all.
DH tells me it was the best he could do in a pandemic.
Weird.
I managed to get a unique, thoughtful gift that involved some thought from Etsy for his birthday a couple of weeks ago.
And a card. But that involved making some effort.
I am so deflated.
Busy making dinner, but surely any other husband would've cooking for their wife? Or arranging a takeaway?
I am pissed off beyond belief.

Happy birthday !! You have every right to be pissed off!! I’m 60 this summer and if I am cooking my own tea on the night there will be hell to pay!!

Happy 60th birthday!

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday!
Suggest you down tools immediately and order yourself a fabulously extravagant takeaway.
I think it's more a case of your family taking you for granted, rather than actually not caring. You do need to make a grand gesture on this though. Something they won't forget. Maybe in the morning pack a case and swan off to a local hotel for a couple of nights? Don't tell them where you're going, just that you've had enough.
You need them to see you, actually look at you and stop assuming you'll always be there to do the things you've always done.
Good luck

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!!!

Any chance there's some massive zoom call organised for later when you'll be presented with gifts and cards to open with your nearest and dearest? Really hoping this for you through to have you miserable all day seems like it's wasn't worth it.

Definitely tell yours family how massively undervalued and loved you are feeling.

So sorry. Have some from me and some very un mumsnetty xxx

Happy birthday OP!

I totally understand how shit it is
DH tells me it was the best he could do in a pandemic.
This is what my dh said too in the summer on my landmark birthday. I received a bunch of flowers from the supermarket. I also did my own party in the garden, cooked, cleared up everything. Despite me making a fuss of him every year even on “normal” birthdays. It’s just an excuse to hide the fact they either couldn’t be arsed or forgot and then had to get something last minute.
On his last landmark birthday I was really ill but still struggled to the local department store to get him some nice items of clothing, nice wine and cards I also booked a meal in a nice restaurant. He had the cheek to moan I didn’t buy him a birthday cake!
I flipped and told him exactly how selfish I think he is and that I won’t be putting any effort into his birthdays from now on.
When you are the one that does everything for everyone else you often end up getting taken for granted and forgotten about because YOU are the organiser, the one that goes to the effort. I’ve resolved to just stop putting the effort in myself so I don’t end up feeling so resentful.

It’s shit

Thanks everyone I really just needed to vent!

@BerlinCalling I get what you are saying. But, to me, flowers off moonpig equal a bottle of Southern Comfort, bought by me as part of a 'normal' birthday for DH
A few weeks ago, he got that and a very personal gift via Etsy which he loved.
It's not the monetary value, it's the ' I care and have taken some time and effort' U want.
Yes. He clicked on two buttons and bought me flowers.
I am 60. Wtf have I done wrong to have a bunch of flowers and 2 cards.
I have taken myself to my bedroom for a great self pitying cry twice today

I feel as though I give and give but get nothing back.

As for being a martyr re cooking? Yeah, you might have a point.
But if it was a takeaway, I would have to decide what, when, order it......
A ravine is much easier and that's not what I'm whinging about.
Anyway. Tomorrow won't be my birthday, so life will go on as ever.
Maybe I won't tie myself in knots finding the perfect gift for people in future.

Stop being a martyr and stop cooking. Send him out to get a takeaway or hand him the pan.

@Robbybobtail

Yep. Mugs,aren't we?

Happy birthday!! Stop cooking, order yourself a takeaway and let them fend for themselves. It’s unforgivable in my opinion to make such little effort. There are a massive range of shops people can order stuff from, the pandemic is not an excuse to make such little effort to show you’re appreciated on your special birthday.

And thanks to everyone for the Happy Birthdays 🥳

Stop doing anything for these bastards, stop cooking right now - you have been TOTALLY taken for granted and it's time to stop this right now.
i would be going on strike immediately and doing so for the forseeable future until they appreaciate you more.

And to all the YABU people...fuck off.

I feel for you! Mind you I have a zero birthday coming up and I have told DH and DS to forget it till summer or when things ease. As long as DH does the crack of dawn cats breakfast and there's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and a quick face time from DS and DIL that's all I want or expect. Presents will wait - and cards!! But that's different from OP as its my choice. So sorry for you OP

I would be talking to the nice friend who bought personalised gifts and asking if they fancy a holiday when all this is over. Then booking yourself and her or him a lovely week away using your DH's card. Then I would find an amazing spa and book myself in for a day in the future.. and telling your DS that there'll be no child care that day. Finally I would order myself a wonderful gift to show how I value myself and I would not get the rest of the family anything next year on the basis that birthdays don't matter much to them.

Happy 60th .

I'd be very upset. You sound like a lovely supportive person but I'd be tempted to start being less available, less giving.

Do your kids and Dad normally forget? Would anyone know it was a 'special' birthday? I'm genuinely puzzled as things like our nearest and dearest's birth dates are ingrained into memory surely?!

Happy birthday!!

It’s my birthday tomorrow and it’s as crappy time to have a birthday (January and during lockdown).

I don’t do gifts with DH because his lack of thought made it seem like he didn’t care (when I know he does),

In your case I think it’s the mismatch of effort between you that’s the problem so....

Either tell him 2-3 weeks in advance exactly the level of effort you want.

Cancel each other’s gifts.

But don’t be upset that he isn’t as good at you at buying thoughtful gifts.

It’s NOT the best he could do in a pandemic, it’s shit. You have grown up kids that could have helped him order on line. Your birthday is January and the shops were available in most areas during December.

Not ok, I would do bugger all for any of them anymore.

Honestly I think you have eery right to be upset and I think you absolutely should say something. And do not, under any circumstances, feel the need to make everything jolly and happy. You are hurt, for good reason, and you don't need to fake it.

I completely agree that some flowers and a card is not sufficient. It's also about attitude. It's about waking up and making the day about you. Celebrating your birthday, making you feel loved etc. And as a family, if they couldn't club together to come up with a single bloody idea of something special for your 60th well.... that's a pretty piss poor showing.

Happy birthday. Definitely not being unreasonable, was. My father's 60th in October, I had a 3mo, still managed to make a cake and offer to cook a meal for him, and sign a card myself

Happy birthday op.
Next year have an amazing day out organised for yourself and a friend.
And when its your dh's next birthday just forget it completely, see what he says.

I've got the same birthday at the end of the month and had almost the same situation as you.
I told my lot that this year I am not having a winter birthday but have changed it to 19th June - no idea why that date.

I would send all your family a message stating you have changed the date of your 60th and say you hope they will all put the NEW date in the calendar ready to celebrate when the weather is better. Plus, add to DH, 'You now have time to look for a more personalised prezzie online or in the shops when they reopen'.
Unfortunately my brother committed suicide last year but it would have made him take notice and make him laugh.
The others thought I had gone bonkers but now agree I can have a 59.95 birthday on 29/01 and we will celebrate properly in June!

Stop cooking, go send an email/text etc. and add they can feed themselves tonight.

Happy Birthday!

I would shame the fuckwits, especially your son and brother. Selfish pigs.

@Sethy38

* It just screams "I forgot your birthday so got you this crap at the last minute".*

Or... “you’re an adult and I assume birthdays are somewhat a side thought. Added to which, I’m an adult with a lot on. So when I remembered I sorted something to mark the day, spending a not inconsiderable sum”

Blimey. You sound like a barrel of fun!

I'm an adult and birthdays are extremely important to me as a way of celebrating the people I love... be they adults or children. Never a side thought.