MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

[muffinsinabox]

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

Are you at all worried that it is an inheritance genetic condition and that's why she won't tell you? Could it be that your DH or DC will need a kidney in the future?

Your plan is good - apart from telling her what she posts on her Facebook. You can't control her. You can control yourself by blocking her or at least clicking 'see less' of her

I've read your update.

I feel got your husband, he's already gone very low contact with his parents, but YOU decided you knew better & kept more contact & involved them in your lives & now he is having to deal with it. I'm pleased he is, but you shouldn't have created the space in your lives for her to behave like this.

She's not good for your children. Just go VKC with the bloody woman.

She's horrible & clearly quite thick.
No contact.

Anyone calling me 'a silky little girl' for any reason, wouldn't be getting my used dental floss, let alone a kidney.

If it was a close family member that needed a kidney but you really didn't want to do it then the transplant team are great at saying you're not suitable, family harmony us kept & you can support them in other ways. But in this situation I wouldn't waste their time.

She's like the gift that keeps giving Distance yourself from her bat shittery for once & for all!!

YANBU. My "mother" needed a kidney transplant and signed me up to the organ donor register in the belief that she'd get mine if anything happened to me. Thankfully, she refused to give up smoking or lose weight/change diet so she could be on the renal list so my siblings and I were spared having to go through tests.

Anyone calling me 'a silky little girl' for any reason, wouldn't be getting my used dental floss, let alone a kidney.

Agreed. Also think your MIL is a silly big girl if she thinks you are in any way likely to be a match simply because you share a blood group. After all, there are only 8 to choose from, and the 2 most common are each shared by 80% of the population. If it was so simple it wouldn’t be so hard find donor matches. Does MIL somehow think you’re related to her husband because you married her son?

If it was a close family member that needed a kidney but you really didn't want to do it then the transplant team are great at saying you're not suitable, family harmony us kept & you can support them in other ways. But in this situation I wouldn't waste their time.

Yes despite many posters advising it, I wouldn’t waste the time of busy medical professionals in this way. It isn’t their job to sort out family disagreements. It also gives MIL the idea that you are interested, rather than it being a ver firm no.

Your MIL sounds like exactly the sort of person the phrase "Fuck Off" was designed for .

"Basically she needs to accept it isnt going to happen or we will be cutting off all ties completely."
Cut them anyway. She adds nothing to your lives and never will.

Hope it goes well. Very pleased dh is on your side here that’s key.
Am surprised he is eligible for another transplant if he hasn’t put in effort to improve his health.
Surely they cost the nhs an enormous amount of money? Or theoretically can anyone who needs a new kidney be put on the list?

A dh to be proud of op. A rare breed on mn!

Good luck to your DH. Hope it goes well (or as well as can be expected).

Hope all goes well today.

I have a family member who donated a living kidney in a "domino" so that someone else could donate to his wife. The recipient has fared very well but my donor relative was unfortunate to be very unwell after donation (unforseen complications) and its also affected his longterm health. He would do it again for his DW but advises caution.
He was willing and desperate to donate, you are not. Block your MIL on FB (or at least stop her tagging you without your approval). Glad your DH will clarify this with her.

I truly hope it's gone well for you, your DH and DC today.

In my opinion, if this doesn't get through to her, you would be doing a huge disservice to your children by not going NC with the MIL and FIL regardless of whether or not they are the only grandparents left. They are toxic and seeing you tolerating and being bullied by them is not an example you want to set to your children. They need to see that it is never acceptable to allow yourself to be emotionally or physically abused by family or otherwise.

@HighSpecWhistle

YANBU.

If he was trying to help himself and you got along well then I'd say YABU. But as it stands, you're pretty confident he'll carry on his addictions after the transplant. Meanwhile it leaves you vulnerable should you have kidney issues in the future.

Stand firm. Say no. If she pushes further then give it to her straight; you are not risking your future health for someone who is not respecting their own body.

Really? If she would get along with her inlaws and he took care of his health she’d be unreasonable to say no? In my opinion she can always say no, just because it’s her body, but personally I would never ever donate to people I’m only related to by law.

I think you are being very generous offering her the opportunity to stop before cutting ties.
The questions I'd be asking is "Do my DC really need that kind of grandparent?", "When is this batshittery going to be directed at them?"

Really? If she would get along with her inlaws and he took care of his health she’d be unreasonable to say no? In my opinion she can always say no, just because it’s her body, but personally I would never ever donate to people I’m only related to by law

I agree. The second you start bringing in "should" or "unreasonable" in terms of organ donation is the moment you go down a very VERY unpleasant road.

We all have autonomy over our own bodies and thats the way it should be. I dont care if the reason you dont want to donate is due to something as trivial as her choice in shoes, it does not matter one jot. NO means no and noone ever needs to justify not wanting to lose an organ from their body that can have life limiting side effects down the road. It is a major operation with potentially huge health implications. Noone is obliged to go through that for anyone, relative or not.

This has made my really angry for you op!

My sister needed a kidney transplant and I offered to donate mine, even though she kept insisting that I didn't need to. We went through the process of organising with the transplant team, I had loads of tests and counselling, she kept insisting that I didn't have to do it. She was only 48 and had been on dialysis for years and her kidneys were severely damaged.

I ended up donating my kidney ( really painful op and a lot of recovery time). They transplanted my kidney into her and her body rejected it. She spent a long and painful year in hospital and died at the age of 51. Despite my reassurances that we couldn't have predicted what would happen, she died feeling really guilty that I had lost a kidney for nowt.

Your MIL is deluded if she thinks it's as simple as taking a kidney from one person and transplanting to another. There are so many things that can go wrong even with a 100% match and there are many hoops to jump through before the operation is carried out, counselling being one of them.

If my sisters transplant team had even a whiff of me having any doubts they would've shut it down. I would ignore her shit, it's not as simple as a blood type match. If you really want her to sit up and take notice, offer to go to one of FIL's renal appointments and the consultations will shut it down immediately and she'll have to shut the fuck up!

Sorry for the rant. BTW, I'm fine at the moment with one kidney but I've been warned that I could have problems later in my life. I don't regret it either.

@weleasewoderick23

This has made my really angry for you op!

My sister needed a kidney transplant and I offered to donate mine, even though she kept insisting that I didn't need to. We went through the process of organising with the transplant team, I had loads of tests and counselling, she kept insisting that I didn't have to do it. She was only 48 and had been on dialysis for years and her kidneys were severely damaged.

I ended up donating my kidney ( really painful op and a lot of recovery time). They transplanted my kidney into her and her body rejected it. She spent a long and painful year in hospital and died at the age of 51. Despite my reassurances that we couldn't have predicted what would happen, she died feeling really guilty that I had lost a kidney for nowt.

Your MIL is deluded if she thinks it's as simple as taking a kidney from one person and transplanting to another. There are so many things that can go wrong even with a 100% match and there are many hoops to jump through before the operation is carried out, counselling being one of them.

If my sisters transplant team had even a whiff of me having any doubts they would've shut it down. I would ignore her shit, it's not as simple as a blood type match. If you really want her to sit up and take notice, offer to go to one of FIL's renal appointments and the consultations will shut it down immediately and she'll have to shut the fuck up!

Sorry for the rant. BTW, I'm fine at the moment with one kidney but I've been warned that I could have problems later in my life. I don't regret it either.

Sorry for your loss.

@legalseagull

Thankyou

Hope it went well today

@weleasewoderick23 💐

Clearly she doesn’t realise that doing so would affect your life negatively only having one kidney. She also doesn’t understand that it’s more than your blood group that needs to be a match. You also need to be willing!

I am really sad she’s put you in that position where you haha to defend yourself.

God I'm so glad your DH is on your side with this!
Sounds like you've got it under control tbh try to stay firm and disconnect from anything she tries to send you.

Honestly, I think you want your children to have grandparents, which is lovely. But if you're honest, your children don't need them as grandparents, they are poisonous.

Wow! I've just read the thread. You sound genuinely nice. I'm so glad your DH has your back. I hope the conversation went well today.

if I was you I would to to the transplant team and say you don't want to do it. They will then support you. You may get lucky and they may even tell MIL you are not suitable and stop all this nonsense for you.
They will not be talking you into doing it they would actually be assessing if you want to or being forced, which you are.
Whatever you do don't donate to FIL.

Glad your husband is supportive. I've worked with renal patients and I wouldn't donate to anybody except my kids. It's a hard thing to do. As a mother of young children you would be far from ideal too, it's a big op and would incapacitate you plus as you've had pregnancies you've doubtless got some exciting antibodies in your blood that make matching less easy. And of course you could get pregnant again, even if you don't intend it, and be facing pregnancy with one kidney.