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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 28/08/2021 16:07

Your MIL can't face the obvious truth which is she facilitated his alcoholism which caused his death. Her answer may be to blame you instead, but you know you aren't to blame. So sorry you've had to deal with this utterly abominable situation.

2bazookas · 28/08/2021 16:13

With that lifestyle FIL won't even qualify for transplant and as this is second time around she surely knows that. She's redirecting her anger and disappointment from where it belongs (him) to you.

I suggest you post a short firm formal letter to MIL and FIL, saying that you have decided NOT to donate a kidney to FIL,. (No need to give reasons).:. Therefore you will NOT be going for assessment or matching and to avoid any further distress to everyone they should stop wasting time pursuing and pressuring you . This is a non-negotiable final decision by both of you.

Signed by both you and DH. Send by registered delivery mail.

Bakewellisntjustacake · 28/08/2021 16:21

@2bazookas ops FIL died last week..

Nancydrawn · 28/08/2021 16:42

The smallest of silver linings: you have a true partner in your husband. He sounds phenomenal.

JacquelineCarlyle · 28/08/2021 16:56

Sorry for your loss Op, but you absolutely did the right thing & her behaviour in trying to pressure you into it was completely out of order. If she does blame you in any way, then cut contact - your DC do not need someone who feels that way about their mother in their lives.

ittakes2 · 28/08/2021 16:58

She sounds like a nightmare but I think its worth speaking to the transport team to tell them you don't want to so they can mark you as unsuitable - problem solved!

Loubiemoo · 28/08/2021 17:07

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

DeRigueurMortis · 28/08/2021 17:27

Sorry to hear your update OP.

Sad as it is, it was also entirely predictable.

We all have a responsibility to look after our own health, something your FiL did not want to accept.

The fact is he had already wasted the most precious gift in the form of his first transplant.

For MIL to expect another whilst enabling his drinking was highly unfair.

Irrespective of who the donor would have been, a kidney would have been denied to someone who would have been truly grateful for it and on that basis I think it's fair to say that the transplant team would not have considered him a suitable candidate for future surgery anyway.

You and your DH made the right decision and should be a peace with it.

Thanks
Georgyporky · 28/08/2021 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hugoslavia · 28/08/2021 19:22

It's not often that I would tell someone else to cut off their mil, but I actually would over this. Tell her quite clearly that they are your kidneys and that you may well need both, especially if one of your children became unwell. Then insist that you don't wish for it to be brought up again. If she does, cut her off. In the meanwhile, block her on social media.

Hugoslavia · 28/08/2021 19:54

Sorry, just seen that it's an older thread and read your updates.

RightYesButNo · 28/08/2021 22:26

@ittakes2 Thread is here because OP updated that FIL died last week. See her comment at 13:46.
(Otherwise, it would be a zombie thread.)

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/08/2021 23:03

I think that if MIL does try to infer that his death is due to kidney failure, I'd have to say "surely not helped by his alcohol consumption".

Erwhatno · 30/08/2021 23:53

So sorry op

StopGo · 31/08/2021 00:00

Some years ago I worked with an amazing lady who donated a kidney successfully to her DH. Some months later they discovered that the kidney issue was genetic and their DD was extremely ill. Outcome meant no 'spare' kidney and friend was never as healthy post donation. Think carefully.

StopGo · 31/08/2021 00:03

Sorry I stupidly missed your update

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2021 00:27

Sorry to read your update Flowers

QueenBee52 · 31/08/2021 01:52

@StopGo

Some years ago I worked with an amazing lady who donated a kidney successfully to her DH. Some months later they discovered that the kidney issue was genetic and their DD was extremely ill. Outcome meant no 'spare' kidney and friend was never as healthy post donation. Think carefully.

omg this is terrifying ... I do hope the DD was able to have a transplant ... it doesn't bear thinking about 😕

Ticklemycarpets · 31/08/2021 02:13

YANBU
I wouldn't give a kidney to anyone except my kids. Absolutely no chance of giving one in this situation for so many reasons.
Totally bonkers that you have even been asked.

Driftingblue · 31/08/2021 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2021 02:32

@MargosKaftan

I'm so sorry. This must be such a mixture of emotions for you all.

I would answer any claim that you killed FIL with "the drink got him in the end. A kidney wouldn't help." Just keep repeating. She must find it hard to realise he's done this to himself.

Hope your DH is OK.

A better answer is you bought him the alcohol, that both killed him and meant he was a terrible transplant recipient. I would usually think that was a terrible unforgivable thing to say, but if it’s in reply to you killed him, seems pretty on a level.
JustKittenAround · 31/08/2021 02:35

First and foremost thank you for the update. These updates are always so far and few between. It is a kindness you show to the community.

It’s all sad and sorted. But none of that is on you. Your MIL seems very entitled. You didn’t give him the disease and you didn’t have him take to drink or whatever else.

I read this from the start and I kept thinking to myself the best reason you don’t want to donate is because you just don’t want to do it. It still stands.

I’m only replying because you had such pressure put on you. The likes of which I couldn’t imagine. You did the right thing. You really

Gingernaut · 31/08/2021 02:36

I'm sorry to hear about your news, OP. 🌺

Your MIL sounds absolutely poisonous and I agree with a previous poster about her behaviour.

Hiding the alcoholism, whilst enabling it and pressuring you to donate?

Fuck that. You did the right thing resisting the pressure and it looks like your DH has your back too.

I don't envy the looks you're going to get at the funeral. Stay strong

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/08/2021 03:06

Even if you're the same blood type, you're not necessarily a match. I volunteered to donate to my brother but I was too small. What MIL can do however, is donate a kidney and that will elevate FIL to the top of the chain for a match. That's what we did for my brother.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/08/2021 03:07

Oh shit so sorry I missed the update. ARGH. Sorry sorry