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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/01/2021 18:22

@muffinsinabox

Did your DH 'have a word' with his mother yet?

TurquoiseDragon · 17/01/2021 22:42

If he was trying to help himself and you got along well then I'd say YABU. But as it stands, you're pretty confident he'll carry on his addictions after the transplant. Meanwhile it leaves you vulnerable should you have kidney issues in the future.

Given the huge risks to the living donor, it's never unreasonable to say no, I'm not going to donate.

Crumpetycrump · 17/01/2021 22:49

I only have one kidney and am fine. If I had 2 though I would only donate to my child or my DH not an in law- that seems mad to me!

BonnieDundee · 18/01/2021 13:24

I can understand why you don't want to be a donor. I can also understand that when faced with the death of her husband, your MIL is acting the way she is.

I dont understand why an adult is trying to coerce another adult to part with one of her organs. Completely unacceptable

Cam2020 · 18/01/2021 14:42

Wow, who on earth would expect a parent to young children to donate a major organ?! In fact, it should be a voluntary process whatever the circumstances and never expected of anyone!

I'm sure FIL squandering his last opportunity isn't exactly endearing, either! I can see why your DH is, low contact with these people!

Joinedjustforthispost · 18/01/2021 14:55

Op yanbu! You are a saint I’m afraid if I was getting harassed off mil and her flying monkeys after telling her no I’d be loosing my cool and telling her to fk off, if I got tagged in any more posts on Facebook I’d be embarrassing her publicly and stating I’d already told her my decision and to stop harassing me then I’d block, mind she sounds like she thrives on drama .

Casschops · 21/01/2021 03:13

OP don't let her grind you could also unfollow her on Facebook.

eaglejulesk · 21/01/2021 03:45

Well done OP and your DH - I hope the call has the desired effect.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2021 06:38

I hope the call worked as well
She sounds like a nightmare, why do you think your kids should have contact with her when you don’t even really want contact with her yourself? There isn’t a benefit in being in touch with difficult grandparents and she’ll definitely be like this with your children when they’re older. Block her on Facebook, stop being her friend and cut her off

Sacredspace · 21/01/2021 14:39

Being coerced into donating an organ or ‘organ harvesting’ is actually classed as a form of modern day slavery. It’s a category along with domestic servitude, sexual exploitation etc..

ekidmxcl · 21/01/2021 14:53

This is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard!

If my mum needed a kidney and I offered her mine, she’d kill herself before taking it. My mil, she’s unfortunately dead now, would have had the same view as my mum. You have little kids - your mil wanting a kidney from you just shows how little she cares about you, your dh or your dc.

Original poster
muffinsinabox · 28/08/2021 13:46

Just an update to this:

FIL died last week. No he didn't get my kidney, no he didn't get a kidney transplant full stop. Yes it's sad that he has become a statistic and one of those people who have died while waiting for a transplant. It wasn't actually his kidney disease that was the main cause of death though.
But it turns out that his drinking was much, much more than anyone imagined. Apart from MIL who was buying the alcohol in the first place. I believe cirrotic liver disease was the primary cause of death but we haven't seen the death certificate so are not sure.

MIL toned down the pressure about live kidney donation after DH told her quite frankly that if she didn't shut up DH would make damned sure that she would never speak to or hear from us as a family again. It wouldn't surprise me if she starts up again, but this time with the rhetoric that I killed FIL because I wouldn't donate. DH can handle that though as he is more than capable of dealing with his mother. Like I have said before, DH doesn't really do cross, but he has this was of getting his point across that means business.

Am I relieved that FIL is no longer here? Yes because he is no longer suffering. Am I sad that he has died? Good question and one I am not entirely sure where I stand.

Again, can I say a huge thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread with their experiences and observations. It was definitely food for thought.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 28/08/2021 13:50

I'm so sorry. This must be such a mixture of emotions for you all.

I would answer any claim that you killed FIL with "the drink got him in the end. A kidney wouldn't help." Just keep repeating. She must find it hard to realise he's done this to himself.

Hope your DH is OK.

Coyoacan · 28/08/2021 14:34

I sort of think every now and then that the DC need to know at least one of their 4 grandparents

I just wanted to say that I only had one live grandmother, but I cannot say that my life was the better for her presence. If your MIL continues to be disrespectful, your children will get along grand without her.

diddl · 28/08/2021 14:57

I don't think that's any need for you to be sad Op but obviously appreciate that others are.

I'm surprised that you continued to have anything to do with them after already being LC & MIL thinking that you were a "silly little girl" who your husband should "sort out"!

Larryyourwaiter · 28/08/2021 15:11

How awful for you. I’m absolutely sure that the drinking would have been picked up before you or anyone else gave him a kidney regardless. He did it to himself sadly.
I’ve a good friend waiting for a kidney. Her husband is incompatible but she would never ask it of anyone else. She has several siblings with children and I could see her refusing all of them as their children are their priority in the end.

thebeatingofthedrums · 28/08/2021 15:13

A death is always sad.

Your MIL's behaviour was over the top, but it sounds like it came from a point of desperation, which was proven ultimately to be correct - she thought he would die without a transplant, and he did. She shouldn't have put pressure on you, but I imagine she's very lonely right now, and if you can find a way to keep her in your life with appropriate boundaries, that would be the kind thing to do.

FWIW, if I had two small kids and I knew the potential recipient was likely to waste another organ, I wouldn't even consider donating either. I don't think you were wrong.

I do, however, think it must be very tough for MIL right now, and difficult emotions make people behave in nightmarish ways. If, as you say, he had liver disease and she kept buying him alcohol, on some level, she's probably feeling guilty. Guilt only exacerbates negative behaviours.

RightYesButNo · 28/08/2021 15:27

I’m sorry you’re going through this but…

My. God. Her cognitive dissonance must be off the fucking charts: posting FB posts trying to coerce you to donate a kidney with one hand, while enabling FIL to drink enough to kill himself with the other (yes, he made the choice to drink, but if she was the one buying the alcohol…). Yes, I would imagine anyone with the ability to do those kinds of mental gymnastics will find a way to blame anyone but FIL (or herself) for FIL’s death. And yes, you’re a handy target.

Sorry, OP. It’s all a bit of a muddle. I read your posts from seven months ago. I understand your feelings for the DC, but I think having no grandparents is probably better than having toxic grandparents, especially with how they treated your DH growing up.

cookingisoverrated · 28/08/2021 15:32

I can completely understand your mixed feelings now that he's passed, OP. Frankly, it sounds like he was never going to be eligible for another kidney without a live donor who wanted him to have it due to his heavy drinking. And he would have wasted another one.

This is entirely on him. I'm glad your husband has your back 100% on this and shuts down and future noises from MIL.

hangrylady · 28/08/2021 15:42

My DF is waiting for a kidney transplant and I offered to get tested. He point blank refused and said even if I matched he wouldn't let me do it because what if my other kidney failed in the future or one of my DC needed a kidney. Your ILs do not give a shit about you OP or what impact this could have on you now or in the future, they are asking for a vital organ FFS! Please block and do not consider this under any circumstances.

thing47 · 28/08/2021 15:46

No parents of young children should be pressured into live organ donation, OP. You were absolutely correct in your stance.

In any case, it doesn't sound like your FIL was an appropriate candidate – if you are going to receive someone's organ, whether they're alive or dead, you surely owe it to that donor to at least try to maximise the chances of success by adopting a sensible lifestyle.

FWIW DH has been on transplant list for 2+ years, and yes I'd be devastated if he died before a suitable organ became available but I know he would never accept one from a much younger friend or relative.

thing47 · 28/08/2021 15:46

And also, what hangrylady said

hangrylady · 28/08/2021 15:47

I'm so sorry OP, only just saw your update after posting

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/08/2021 15:51

Sorry to hear your FIL died, muffins Flowers

I missed your previous update so wasn't aware he's "already trashed 3 perfectly good kidneys", and obviously couldn't have known about the severe drinking and the liver disease which followed - doubtless made worse for MIL now because she was buying the stuff for him

Glad to hear she backed off and even more glad that your DH has so thoroughly got your back on this; his support really is the key to so much and I wish you only the best going forward

HereticFanjo · 28/08/2021 15:52

God you poor thing. He's at peace now and you were absolutely right not to be pressured into giving your kidney to an alcoholic.