MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

[muffinsinabox]

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

I used to work with transplant team, if you're even slightly under coercion, guilt or even a bit unsure they won't consider you as a doner. So I wouldn't worry.

You also have to undergo a lot of counselling before hand anyway to assess your understanding and your attitude around it.

It's also not a risk free surgery for you and a big impact on your life.

You are very not unreasonable to not want to do it

Also if he drinks, he won't be allowed a transplant

Your mother in law isn't the brightest is she? It's way more than people having the same blood type. If it was only that then all O positive blood types could donate to anyone with O positive blood. Why does she think potential dodors need lots of blood tests? And I'm pretty sure there is also counselling involved! Personally I think people who smoke drink and have a very unhealthy lifestyle should not be allowed receive transplanted organs. But that's another thread.

Hi OP, my friend's mum has been on dialysis fir a number of years (in her late 70s now) and would not entertain her 3 children being tested because she couldn't live with it if they only had one kidney and that failed too. She feels she has had her life, can survive on the machine 3 times a week and wants her children to have long lives too. You MIL is being selfish - block her.

I would not donate other than to my DC. I would not be able to live with myself if one of them needed an organ, I was a match, and I had given it to someone else, even a parent. No way. And my parents would agree. When I am dead, they can take what they want and give it to whoever is in greatest need of them, mind.

Your MIL is being very unreasonable.

This is the most outrageous Aibu ever. I can't believe your MIL! WTF is she on.

@Ginfilledcats

Also if he drinks, he won't be allowed a transplant

I drink (in line with recommended limits) and I have a transplant?

I don't think I would do it for anyone other than a sibling or my DS, possibly my young adult cousin I am close to. I don't think my 60 year old parents would ask.

Blimey sorry I don’t have any advice but Yanbu at all.

I have a donor card and I am all for it. but I would not even think about donating in this case in your shoes. I would only consider living donation to my DC. absolutely no one else. Esp not Fil in the circumstances you describe. yanbu.

can you come off Facebook or block MIL.

where is your DH in this all? Is NC an option?

Oh god what a nightmare MIL she is, doesn't she realise that what she is doing is the worst way to get someone to consider donation.

I'm pretty sure you also have to have the same tissue type as well as the same blood type to be a good match. Maybe it turns out that you went for a blood test and you are not the right tissue type so can't donate.
Also agree that if I was donating an organ I'd want the recipient to be looking after it and it sounds like your FIL isn't looking after the last organ he was donated why would he be too priority for another?

Keep firm OP it's your kidney and your choice!

Only if the person is worth dying for and this isn’t one of those scenarios. Like you said if it was your child there would be no doubt. Beyond that stick to your united front plan. Good luck.

@muffinsinabox

Thank you all for your responses so far.

How does MIL know about the blood group thing? Back when she had a key to our house and I was pregnant with DC1 DH and I went away for a weekend. She had obviously been on a huge snoopathon as my blood group was in my maternity notes.
She's a right piece of work which is part of the reason why DH talks to her 4 times a year (xmas, his birthday, her birthday and FIL's birthday). I stay out of what goes on between him and his parents but I know a lot has gone on in the past that makes him feel like this. If it wasnt for the DC he would certainly be totally non contact with them. The silver lining of a very dark covid shaped cloud is that I haven't had to see the inlaws for a year now and it's been bliss. What a shame my laptop is so old and rubbish that it doesnt support any video calls nonsense but I am not telling her that

As for MIL and me being friends on facebook, that kind of has to happen. She's got form for posting full face pictures of our DC on facebook. DH has one of those jobs where he very much stays out of the limelight and definitely doesnt want to say he has DC. DH doesnt use fb, hence why I get the 'pleasure' of being MIL's 'friend'.

I'm not even sure I would want to even speak to the transplant team tbh. Even though I know what hospital FIL uses I would still need to go through MIL to get the specifics. Would they even talk to me if I rang them up wanting to speak to FIL's team? Patient confidentiality and all of that. I can well imagine that asking MIL for the details would fuel her and send her spinning out of all control. However after this mornings bollocks involving a stock photo of a grandfather with 2 kids and some crap about grandchildren need grandparents (DH is an only) I am getting very close to telling her to piss off.

If it were DH or the dc in need of a new kidney then I would be down the transplant centre at the earliest opportunity though.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts so far.

Post on that photo that they need a mother too. Tell her your kidneys are not your own and one is transplanted.

Nobody can force you to donate against your will; it would be against all medical ethics. .As you're not a blood relative, the chances aren't that high of your being a match anyway- it involves a lot more than sharing a blood group.

I would personally block her on fb, it obviously doesn't have to be for ever. It's the only way she will leave you alone by the sound of it tbh

In a twisted way, even though MIL is a complete cow I sort of think every now and then that the DC need to know at least one of their 4 grandparents. My father fucked off when I was 6 years old and my mum died in my late teens.
@muffinsinabox I'm sorry your mum died when you were so young and that your children missed out on the grandparent relationship with her. But no relationship (with MIL) is better for your children than a relationship that could damage them, hope you can see that. My grandparents had a lasting influence in my life, and if their influence isn't positive you don't want it, honestly.
Just say no and leave them to it and you and DH concentrate on your own family unit.

I know two people who have donated a kidney to their child. Actually saw a news story this week about a woman with two teens with kidney issues and they will both need transplants (sorry if already mentioned, have only read first page and OP's posts).

@littlepattilou you say you wpuld only donate a kidney to your daughter but wouldn't take a kidney... Genuine question - not even so you could be alive for your daughter?

I'm extremely pro organ donation but living donation has to be done with absolute free will.

Last update on this because I have had the worlds biggest curry takeaway* and I will be going to bed soon.

The key- MIL originally had one because we asked her to feed the cat while we were on holiday. However she kept hold of this key and/or had another one cut. It was a complete nightmare, she would just randomly let herself in to see 'my little baby' aka DC1. We took it back.
There was a lot bit of a kerfuffle over this, involving comments from her about me honey trapping DH. Added to the fact that she has as much maternal love as my slippers there is no love lost between them. FIL has always been distant and not really involved. This is when DH went low contact with her.

I've read Dh some of the points people made, especially those about coercion not being valid consent, kidney donation being pretty brutal, and there being more to a kidney transplant than just matching blood groups. And the points about the transplant co-ordinators who will pick up on everything quite quickly. DH said some other stuff as well but out of respect for him I dont want to post them.

And I have played with my fb settings as well so anyone who posts anything thats got me in it or tagged me has to get my approval first.

Dh backs me 100000% in this. As he put it, I'm not 'kidneys r us' and as FIL has already trashed 3 perfectly good kidneys, why should he get a fourth when the chances of him treating that one with respect are minimal. Tomorrow, I am going to take the dc to the park at the end of the street to feed the kids ducks some bread. and DH is going to ring his mother because if I have to speak to her it wont be polite. The only time I have ever seen DH even remotely cross is when dcat3 was a kitten and she used him as a climbing frame to get to a high up shelf. DH stays calm no matter what. He's going to make it absolutely perfectly clear to her that..

She is not to post anything about altrusitic kidney donation and tag/mention me in it
She is not to post anything about kidney donation and grandchildren needing grandparents
She stops giving my phone number to anyone who has given a kidney to a family member to try and persuade me of the benefits.
She is to stop trying to make me appointments with the transplant team
She is to stop posting us stuff about kidney donation, how people can live with only one kidney, what the operation is like
Plus the stuff about coercion, more than blood groups and I'm not kidneys r us

Basically she needs to accept it isnt going to happen or we will be cutting off all ties completely. And going from the last time DH had a falling out with her, I can pretty much predict exactly what is going to happen. And in some ways it'll be bliss not having to deal with her batshittery any more.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I guess I posted more in desperation than anything else after the latest round of fb nonsense. Your replies have been useful, insightful and have helped us to form a way forward. And an especial thanks to the person who contacted me directly with some very specific and detailed information. And for those of you who have lost people through transplant, waiting for a transplant or transplant related complications then I am truly sorry for your loss.

*their lockdown special as they call it. You can choose lamb, chicken, veg or paneer and get a selection of whatever they have in the kitchen on the day plus rice, naan and poppadoms. Their already generous portions are now super generous- enough for me to be eating curry for tea tomorrow night as well, and probably Sunday as well if DH doesnt get there first.

Tell her you have a horseshoe kidney if you don't want the agro

Good lord!
I’ve had it all now.
It goes like this.
No and don’t you dare ask me again

A very measured and sensible plan of action, OP. I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow and you are all able to move on.

Well
Done

Who the hell has got time to waste arranging and attending an appointment to talk to a transplant team having absolutely no intention of going ahead with a transplant!
And presumably the appointment/transplant would be in a hospital setting in the middle of a pandemic! You should not have to go to these lengths to appease this unreasonable woman. You would just be buying into the crazy! Just no.

@Sacredspace

Who the hell has got time to waste arranging and attending an appointment to talk to a transplant team having absolutely no intention of going ahead with a transplant! And presumably the appointment/transplant would be in a hospital setting in the middle of a pandemic! You should not have to go to these lengths to appease this unreasonable woman. You would just be buying into the crazy! Just no.

I actually would speak to them, very briefly, just to make sure MIL is not wasting their precious time telling them that "DIL is a blood type match, she'll be in touch soon"

Just in case they are expecting/waiting on a call.

Good plan! Have a peaceful day....