What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

My dd will scream cry shout get of me your hurting me please stop which can continue for 10/15 mins every morning when doing her hair. I always think the neighbour will be thinking she's getting beat up

I've the same and I told my DC that it was quite nasty to say such things as neighbours could imagine god knows what. Kids can also be very manipulative but in this case who knows. If OP says the girls sounds like she is tortured that maybe she is bitten up for not doing something.

Next time there's a case like Victoria Climbie's or baby P's, I bet the exact same popsters who've been saying that OP is being unreasonable to consider reporting this, will be saying "WHY DIDN'T PEOPLE DO ANYTHING?!"

popsters? posters!

My Ds is 8. Every single thing is a battle now. You ask him to do it over and over and he ignores or refuses til you shout. Then he cries and does it. It's horrible. Not a lot I can do though other than hoping at some point he sorts himself out

I’ve had the same neighbours for 18 years and they have one now adult child, who still lives with them (god knows why). This is how they communicate, they seem unable to express themselves or manage frustration without screaming. Some adults just can’t express themselves or manage their own behaviour in a sensible manner. To them screaming and losing their temper is normal and they don’t realise how shocking it is to hear? I’d guess your neighbours are the same and probably why they don’t care how loud they are that others can hear them too.

I once lived next door to a single father and his teenage son who had adhd, learning difficulties and autism. The father spent 5hrs a day shouting and screaming at him while the boy was constantly banging on the walls, floors and slamming doors day and night as hard as he could.

I reported it to social services and they got the help they needed. The father was also apparently hitting him.

Please help them and don't ignore it.

Both Baby P and Victoria Climbie happened because of shocking negligence by professionals.

If you're genuinely worried, OP, why not talk to the school. Or you could get to know the family yourself, as a neighbour.

To those saying how can people say this is just shouting, that is what I understood when I read the OP. I think the updates are quite a bit stronger than the OP. I thought it was predominantly a child shouting from the first post.

Post one says this:

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine....

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

I understood this bit "the DD really screams and cries and sometimes sounds very worked up" as meaning it was the DD doing the shouting.

However in post four it says:

Do you stand in the same bedroom upstairs, screaming at her whilst she crys and wails like being tortured, screaming and crying out? For 20 minutes. Sometimes twice a day? Almost every single day? which sounds really different as it sounds like the parent is doing all the shouting.

I would report it.

I'd also tell them to be quiet because they're waking you up. It's rude when in a terraced house to behave in that way.

Op I am relieved to hear that you have phoned the school today. Working in education we have a lot of safeguarding training. It is always best to report if you have a concern. Imagine how you would feel if you thought about reporting, were persuaded not to & something then happened....Yes, maybe the child is autistic. Then hopefully if this is the case the family may receive help. Maybe they are ‘just’ a shouty family. But from what you have said you sound concerned. You sound like a very good neighbour to have.

Did you manage to speak to the school in the end?

@Benjispruce2

OP I work in primary school. You are right to be concerned. Reporting means you’ve done your bit and child protection is EVERYONE’S duty. If you can find out which school she goes to (uniform?) then ring the headteacher and voice your concerns. They will know what to do.

This

If you report it, it will be assessed and the social workers will decide if it needs a visit, I wouldn't feel bad for reporting it... You don't know if there have been any other concerns reported, it paints a picture. I imagine on the basis of your concern alone it probably doesn't warrant a visit, they will maybe just check with the school etc to see if there are worries elsewhere.

If you can catch some words maybe Google, at least you can get an idea of what's going on

That doesn't sound normal

I think you can tell screaming matches between adults, regardless of nationality. Italians is a red herring. If daughter snd mum are shouting from downstairs to upstairs it could explain it. Or it could be something more violent. Op I think you need to listen closely and ask yourself what you really hear. If after that you are still concerned, report. You must have a fair idea what nationality they are or why don’t you just ask them. Be a neighbour.

@Edgeoftheledge

The child could be autistic

And that means it can regularly be shouted at so loudly people can hear it through the walls? The kid being or not being autistic has nothing to do with it.

@Looneytune253

Oh wow my teen is always screaming at us and we argue back sometimes. Perfectly normal in a lot of households. Depends on the child. In fact my laid back younger child (10) has started school refusing sometimes and that can be quite a distressing listen I imagine too when we're trying to get her out but she's our size!!

I wonder where your younger child has learned that defiant behaviour is accepted and 'normal' ...?

You did the right thing reporting tbh. Even if she is autistic, shouting will just be even more of a sensory overload. My youngest is autistic (5) and I rarely raise my voice let alone shout as it just makes his meltdowns 100 times worse for him. I know it’s incredibly hard to remain calm sometimes, but yelling matches 3 times a week for a year is a bit beyond the odd time of stress isn’t it. My middle son also is on the diagnosis pathway for ADHD and he can be like this. He gets so enraged and whilst tempting it is to yell back (and I have done on occasion when nothing else works), it just doesn’t work. My eldest is pretty laid back so I m always mindful of splitting my time equally.

I hope the SS get to the bottom of what the problem is so they can support the DM and parents.

It is not normal or healthy to be screaming at your child every day. There’s a big difference between a child tantrumming and screaming and a parent screaming back (which shouldn’t be happening). I feel so sorry for some children. Please report it.

I would report it, have done in the past . Too often people "Don't like to interfere" and live to regret it. I would be very worried for the child.

I wouldn't have dared shout at my mother. I was too scared of my father! He'd have stopped my pocket money for 10 years.

My 8 year old has the most enormous screaming meltdowns. It could be innocent, our daughter must sound like she's being killed when she does it. Although we don't tend to shout back at her

I think this sort of thing with some children happens. How would you know if ADHD? Getting my daughter to school is torture. Transition can be hard and the frustration immense parents do end up shouting. If it is happening at all times of the day that is different but even then you do not know what is going on. If you have not had a child who has difficulty or plays up in a morning or before doing certain things you have no idea. I never behaved as my daughter does and it drives me crazy trying to get her places on time - for her own benefit. Try not to judge esp if it is mornings and transition times.