What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

DH's family are very 'shouty' in their native language. I remember early in the relationship sitting awkwardly as they had what seemed to me a heated argument, turned out they were discussing what to have for dinner!

Having said that, the fact that the shouting is usually accompanied by banging makes me think it should be reported.

@Naughty1205

No harm reporting it op, sounds distressing.

Do you ever see them. Does the little girl look happy. Or is she looking withdrawn and sad. Maybe try and get to know them a little more. It may be that the mother shouts at the girl so she’s learned this as normal behaviour and does the same. You could talk over your concerns with the NSPCC without identifying the child initially. They can point out the red flags to look out for

@Goingtothebudgies

It concerns me that the OP is making this judgement based on one incident a day at most, and when she appears to have no experience of children. She just bases her concern on her own childhood (1 family): "We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day." And suggesting that the family will get support if they are reported is misguided. They will get a hell of a lot of stress, but no support. There are no resources to provide support for people who maybe shout at their child once a day.

Oh, bloody hell there is. We had problems with the behaviour of my youngest. I phoned the school for help, I got referred to a course and he's been included in some 'therapy' or talking sessions (not sure what name it goes by).

If you suspect it, report it. Call the local authorities social services and just tell them what you've told us. The family can tell them that its just the usual morning stress (hurry up and get ready etc) or their experience along with evidence will tell them if its something else. Whenever I suspect something but feel that I should just leave it i remember all the witnesses who saw James Bulger with those boy's who sensed something wasn't right but didn't want to interfere. Follow your instinct. If there's nothing to report, they will not do anything drastic.

@rosiepaul

Instead of language like 'report' use language like 'information share' or 'share concerns' because that's what you would be doing. You can do this via the NSPCC online or over the phone if you want to remain anonymous. As others have said there may be nothing to worry about at all or this could be a child living in a highly volatile and emotionally damaging environment. That's not for you to decide, your only role is to share your concerns with the people whose job it is to assess and safeguard children. If this child has additional needs or challenging behaviour, shouting and escalating by a parent is not going to help the situation and maybe they need support to manage their emotions. I'm always amazed how many people on here suggest doing nothing when someone raises a worry. There are countless Serious Case Review reports going over decades in just about every county in this country of children who have died or been seriously harmed and people in the community who knew or had suspicions but did nothing.

rosiepaul said it all very correctly and appropriately

EVERY serious case review concludes the same (Victoria Climbie, Baby P etc etc)

1. someone should have spoken out sooner
2. agencies need to information share - LOTS

You are not their Social Worker even if you are one yourself and sometimes just having someone say - "Are you doing OK as parents?" is enough to help someone realise "this has gone too far" I need help/I need to leave him/I need to take my child to the GP.

Parenting varies, raising voices has different meanings, you may be more sensitive to the noise than another person might be.

Seeking to information share in some way is helpful not harmful. Child Protection Services are there because ... well, the clue is in the name. These days it is very very rare to remove a child. Close monitoring is better for everyone.

My friend's son told her Mum that he always shouted as a young child, and no one spoke to him calmly - and he hated it. It was because he was hard of hearing and no one had noticed, they thought he was ignoring his parents/teachers/relatives. It didn't help that he is black, and "being a bit arsy" in class might be mis-attributed to being of a different culture.

I'd report because 100% better safe than sorry.

But sadly yes, normal in our house. Preteen hormones, stressful school rush etc. Its hell. I'd be heartbroken to be reported, but would understand.

To be fair my house sounds like this.... my dd (12) just won’t do as asked and is an argumentative little bugger, and sometimes screams her head off like she is being flogged or murdered for sheer effect over the smallest thing sometimes

Is there a neighbour on the other side of this family maybe you could talk to them. I had same problem I spoke to the house next door but one and she was alarmed too. (We heard her punch the baby in the face) i know because he screamed at her for doing it. Fortunately the father of the child threw the mother out. Things were better after that, mostly. in the end he moved then died. The child is in care now or so I was told.

You do fully sound like a racist.

@Sat09

You can hear a couple shouting, in a language you do not speak. You don't know what is being said or to whom. You are on the other side of the wall. Not in their house with them. Ao you can't see. They have a child who you can hear crying. Your conclusion is that it must be abuse and the child is at risk. Of what? If thats how they do things in their culture, then who are you exactly to judge them. There are many neighbours i have personally come across who dont like it when i speak to my family membrs in my own language, because they dont understand it. I dont know why they had a problem, because they weren't even part of the conversation.!!! You say you don't want to go and speak to them. You say they don't speak English. If you really care about the child, find out what they are saying, and to whom it is being directed to. You would prefer to go behind their back and report a foreign couple for abusing their child. Just a bit of education for you, I am from Indian culture so we so talk loud and we are a little shouty. Is it ok to accuse and report all the Indians of abusing their kids, because you dont know what they are saying as they choose to speak in their native language? Its not very neighbourly. I have 2 girls age 3 and 8. I get loud when they are constantly fighting and throwing things all over the place. I make sure i speak in English for my neighbours benefit, and in my own language too. Like you, they don't understand my language or culture. Advice for you before you start reporting foreign people because you don't understand them. Talk to them, tell them you heard them shouting loudly. You may be surprised that they may understand what you are saying. How do you think the School communicates with them? Surely not sign language? Showing a little respect to them as human beings, although they are clearly different to you, thats if you are geniuinely concerned about them and their child, would not hurt you personally. They may be depressed like the millions of people who are at home because of lockdown. If you approach them, it may be the solution. Would you accuse and report an English speaking couple with a child who is loud and shouting? Just asking.

I know that in some cultures its ok to go out every Friday and Saturday night and get blind drunk and end up having sex with random people. I have seen this and known from people who love to live like that. Then STDs happen, then pregnancy happens, then they do not know who the father is. Self respect goes out the window. I can't understand that culture to be honest.

Back in the day we used have a neighbour who used to shout abuse when my mum cooked Indian food in our home. Which was daily. He used to shout abuse calling us all 'pakis' and we 'cook shit' and 'it stinks' and 'fuck off to where we came from'. That was the harsh reality of Indians in England. That was the culture then in the 1980's. That was clearly open racism. Now its the culture to do it behind closed doors and not be openly racist to peoples faces. Just pick up a phone and report them to the authorities if you dont understand them.

We can't report lack of respect for self, or spreading of STDs to others, thats because the state says its ok to live like that. That is why there are no laws to prosecute these nasty ways. Its not a bit of fun when there are kids having kids, and there are kids without fathers. They should prosecute these people who are giving themselves away like its candy. And those who put it into any hole they can find. Unwanted kids are the result of having unprotected sex with anyone. Jeremy Kyle was a real eye opener for me. True reflection of English youth. What a shame.

Maybe you find your neighbours to be annoying 'pakis' and you are looking for a reason to report them. And then labelling it your 'concern' for their little foreign kid.
Could be the reason why you dont want to knock on their door to have quiet word to resolve the issue. You want the authorities on these foreign 'fuckers'.

You sound like a rasict. You have implied all racist connotations to this. The OP did not. Im sorry you experienced racism. It does not give yiu the right to assume everyone is racist!

Is she teaching fractions? I'm amazed i wasn't reported during ld1 for trying to teach fractions.

I have used all racist connotations??

I think you will find that I gave examples of what some people do for entertainment on a Friday and Saturday night.
I know people who live like that and they are proud of it too.
Thats what they tell me.
I don't make them do it.
They do it willingly.

If you think its great to live like that, then thats good for you, and you can carry on.

Its not my choice of entertainment though. I can think of better ways to be entertained, thats all.

How does that make me sound racist?

What makes you feel that in my head I feel i have the right to assume that everyone is a racist?
I never said that either.

You dont know what's going on my head, you are not there.

I never said anything racist by the way, if you read through properly.
You are just getting fired up for me talking about my experience which has nothing to do with you, frankly.

Report it op it is not normal.

@MissMarpleDarling I sent you a pm in error, sorry!

My
Middle daughter is autistic and makes one hell of a racket luckily neighbours both sides know her well and know her meltdowns etc. One time a passerby phoned police as dd was having an epic meltdown screaming for 2 hours solid , police ofcourse have to attend which made situation worse daughter was inconsolable although they were great and noted daughters needs said everything was fine and off they went.

There could be any number of reasons why there is shouting I would maby ask if everything's ok before going in all guns blazing x

Other people's languages can sound very emotional, when you can only hear the sound and not the meaning. My husband and his family speak Gujerati. I have sometimes listened to them talking, either in person or on the phone, and said to him later, "What were you rowing about?" He has said that it wasn't a row, they were just talking. It can sound emotional when it isn't. His mum didn't speak English and probably found it equally difficult to guess whether people were cross or just loud when she heard them talking in English.

But a child who keeps crying and screaming... That doesn't sound right. We're a noisy family and our kids used to scream and shout - no doubt the neighbours heard - but a child who is in distress every day? I would be seriously concerned if I heard that.

Every time a child dies of abuse, it turns out that someone knew or suspected but did nothing about it. My advice is to trust your instincts. If in doubt, report it. Better to be wrong than to wish later that you had done something when you had the chance.

There are shouty languages. I had a friend, half Spanish and when she took a phone call in Spanish her voice would double in loudness! African people also sound loud, one told me it was so others knew they weren't being talked about??? Also some households are more shouty. I have 2 loud dc and 2 quiet ones. Also we shout upstairs etc. Throwing things and the occasional meltdown even now as young adults (all in house for lockdowns). One even stabbed on in the leg, small knife, and another threw a heavy can at one ( the one who was the stabbee) and split face open resulting in A& E and a scar. I heard of 2 brothers arguing and one stuck a fork in the others eye, blinded. They were young. Siblings can be horrible to each other, but I would be a bit concerned if an adult is shouting at a young child all the time. So either see if you can get to know them better to judge the situation or perhaps just raise you concerns with someone who can check. They might need support if there are problems and have no idea how to access any in this country.

My best friends daughter is autistic (PDA) and has plenty of days where she will scream and cry and break things.

Like many autistic girls she will mask her behaviour elsewhere and will appear very 'normal' to most people who meet her.

My friend knows that shouting back would only make it worse, but plenty of other parents may not be aware of something like PDA and it causes very challenging behaviour that a lot of people would shout about if the children behaved that way.

My friend also spends a LOT of time terribly worried about what her neighbours must think and how it must be disturbing them a lot. And lives expecting SS to call/turn up at some point even though she really couldn't be a better parent to her child.

Sat09

You have issues. OP didn't even mention race. People of the same race can speak a different language. It is you that started on about colour etc. It is none of your business what people do when they go out or who they have sex with and you can't dump your cultural restrictions and expectations on others. Live & let live. Stop judging just because our culture is different to yours. I have never understood why people come to live in a country where they know values are different and then complain. If I went to live in France or wherever it would be because I like their way of life etc, not because I want to be more English than those living in England (yes I know all about expats in Spain, never learning Spanish etc. Awful) Many people come here to earn money and have no respect for our culture and way of life, this is not nice. I find your post so judgemental, self righteous and pious, who do you think you are????????????????? You are awful. I have friends from many different countries and races, none are like you. Thank god.

This is very shaky ground, do we not report possible abuse because we are afraid of being labelled racist. Raping gangs get away with terrible crimes due to this fact. We need to treat All the same, the law is the law. OP was only saying that her neighbours were foreign to explain why she was conflicted (didnt know what parents were shouting)

Ddot - oh please, raping gangs my arse. The police were not doing their job despite social services reporting to them with evidence which will stand up in court. I can only assume you've brought this up because the case's you are referring to have asian perpetrators. Many of these girls were known to the police for history of being reported missing (refusing to listen to their parents and stay home) and thats probably where the discrimination came in. Sadly children seen as a "problem" are often not given the same urgent investigation as those who have never come to the attention of the police before. Much the same as when prostitutes are raped the investigation and media reporting as been different. Obviously I am not for a second suggesting that children are prostitutes.

@amispeakingenglish

Did Sat09 say he/ she came here? I assumed he/she was born here. When it comes to going abroad and imposing your culture on others, the British really should stay silent on that score.
I think that Sat09 has become very emotional but from whats being said it's clearly from his/her experiences of racism in Great Britain. I dont think OP is being racist but neither is Sat09. I know some people love to try to pin reverse racism on people who call out what they have been through, but that is not how racism works...