To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

I'm really not. I was raised as my mother's only with half-siblings from my father's first marriage. My mother never saw her step children as her children and was stricter with them than with me (but she never saw that) and now she doesn't have a relationship with them at all and my father's relationship with them is strained and I'm stuck in the middle. Your first instinct was DH's son, you need to be honest with yourself about that.
He's a 10 year old boy who was embarrassed and in pain but sure, you go demand that apology from your husbands son.

And yes I think I would have been expected to say 'sorry for shouting' to my mum or dad in this situation once everything had calmed down.

My parents would apologise to me if they shouted when they got frustrated with something too. They'd say sorry for shouting and we'd laugh it off and be fine. Is that not just a normal thing to do?

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response

Nope. I dont agree at all, you are just petulant and angry that you didnt get the response you wanted.

@snurfflepots

I'm really not. I was raised as my mother's only with half-siblings from my father's first marriage. My mother never saw her step children as her children and was stricter with them than with me (but she never saw that) and now she doesn't have a relationship with them at all and my father's relationship with them is strained and I'm stuck in the middle. Your first instinct was DH's son, you need to be honest with yourself about that. He's a 10 year old boy who was embarrassed and in pain but sure, you go demand that apology from your husbands son.

You’re projecting a bit here.

@cantgetmyheadroundit

To be brutally honest, you have a bit of a shock coming if you think children's emotions can be so easily controlled. I'm a step parent myself, it's really no big deal, he was upset. Gird your loins...

But it's not about controlling kids' emotions. It's about addressing them so they grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults.

Its understandable why the DSS lashed out but it doesn't mean it's acceptable behaviour. His reaction doesn't warrant punishment by any means but addressing that shouting at someone just because you are hurt is not ok is something that should be done.

OP should be able to address this directly with DSS and DH should have if DSS is not receptive.

Of course I checked that he was ok.

However I didn't tell him to run across the room after being told explicitly to stay where he is.

I acknowledged that it was a bad idea on my part.

He knew he wasn't to run across the room, chose to, then shouted at me about it.

A PP asked if there was a backstory, yes to a degree. Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive due to that fact.

When I really hurt myself I tend to shout at anyone who dares to speak to me so I can see why an 11 year old would act out in pain, let it go.

@OrangeSlices998

You’re getting a right kicking here OP. Step parents tend to in AIBU!

For what it’s worth, I do think it’s not on of him to be encouraged to talk to you about this. We all sometimes lash out if we get hurt, but it’s not okay to scream at someone just because we’ve had a bump on the head. Ideally his Dad would smooth things a little so you could have a chat and agree it was a silly idea of yours (although fun I’m sure!) and that he got hurt but he wasn’t nice.

YANBU.

Thank you for this.

I wouldn't let my child get away with speaking to me like that, DD is 7 and knows how to appropriately speak to adults, even in moments of frustration and upset. It's basic respect.

Yes it was a moment of frustration and pain on the behalf of your DSS, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to scream at you in this way. Sorry, but no way would this be an acceptable way to talk to an adult in my house.

I don't think it's about controlling emotions in the moment. I understand why he shouted. But I do think my own parents would have expected me to say sorry for shouting at you once I'd calmed down and they'd talked to me about it.

I imagine the conversation would have gone something like 'it was a bit of a silly suggestion from me and I think we got a bit carried away but this is why I asked you both to stay on your sides of the room okay?' and then I would have said okay and sorry for shouting.

That's what I'd do and expect from my kids anyway 🤷

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Would none of you be disappointed / bothered if your DC screamed at a teacher then? Or is it only ok to do to step parents

My own ds once screamed ‘why didn’t you catch me?’ when he fell from the top of a climbing frame. He is generally a great kid but was hurting and lashed out. It was out of character and I took it as such. I think if this is also out of character I would let it go. And you aren’t a teacher, you are a step parent which is the next best thing to an actual parent, surely.

It's very easy to dismiss the responses and say 'oh it's just because I'm a step mum'. Everyone's irritable when they've just been hurt and feel embarrased. It was an instinctive reaction on his part not a thought out comment to make you feel bad. What are you hoping to achieve?

@hannahrose123

I wouldn't let my child get away with speaking to me like that, DD is 7 and knows how to appropriately speak to adults, even in moments of frustration and upset. It's basic respect.

Yes it was a moment of frustration and pain on the behalf of your DSS, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to scream at you in this way. Sorry, but no way would this be an acceptable way to talk to an adult in my house.

😂😂😂 Ouch

It was a rude of him to scream in your face but people often react angrily when hurt. I would calmly explain to him that it was an accident, in no way your fault and he is not to speak to you like that again please. I think he was probably embarrassed. I wouldn’t ask for an apology though.

I know if I stood on a piece of Lego, barefoot, I'd shout an expletive loudly. Even if nobody else was there. I think roaring in reaction to hurting yourself is normal. And I'm 50 and have quite a handle on my emotions normally.

All this drama over a 10 year old who hurt himself. Let it go. And I love when parents of younger kids say theirs will never behave in a certain way in the future.

*It's header in Scotland.

At least the tenth post I've seen this week from someone who assumes their way of speaking is the only way*

OK, well I've never heard it referred to as header the ball but I stand corrected

mountain, molehill.
Pick your battles.

I think you sound like a very nice stepmum btw.

I actually really disagree with everyone here. I think he was rude. He hurt himself and I'm not sure why everyone is saying it's your fault you suggested a fun game, that's pretty normal, and they didn't stick to the rules so it's his own fault, and at 10 I would be telling him his reaction was out of order.
This is the kind of thing my 7 year old does and he is swiftly told that his actions led to that outcome, so its his own fault and not to shout at us because he was silly.

@Justmuddlingalong

I know if I stood on a piece of Lego, barefoot, I'd shout an expletive loudly. Even if nobody else was there. I think roaring in reaction to hurting yourself is normal. And I'm 50 and have quite a handle on my emotions normally.

If you screamed/shouted at someone that it was there fault and stormed off would you not then apologise for shouting at them once you'd calmed down?

I agree it's not a huge deal but I find it a bit weird that it's not just the norm to apologise to someone for shouting at them after the situation has settled.

@Robbybobtail

I think you sound like a very nice stepmum btw.

Thank you that means alot

Their fault*

What’s the back story? Maybe it affects how both you and the dc react to each other?